


It well may be

by niki_writes



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul: Re - Fandom
Genre: And I mean...very slow build, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, F/F, F/M, I'm so sorry I'm a terrible person, M/M, Mentions of Body Dysphoria, Mentions of dubious consent, Multi, Please feel free to walk away from this, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychogenic Amnesia, Slow Build Arima/Haise, So much Angssssssst, You're gonna hate me, You're gonna hate me for good, agender!Kaneki, genderfluid!Haise, human!AU, mentions of alcohol and drug abuse, mentions of internalized homophobia, mentions of internalized transphobia, mentions of past trauma, mentions of psychological manipulation, modern!AU, slightdystopia!AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-06-02 00:59:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 173,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6544024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niki_writes/pseuds/niki_writes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haise was, indeed, committed to sacrifice himself if necessary, in order to make them happy.<br/>But even then, even when he was able to calm down his pupil, even when he was feeling somewhat happy for the outcome of the day...even then the usual voice spoke it's terrible verdict.<br/><em>Liar</em>, the voice said.<br/><em>I hope you drown in your tears</em>, the voice mocked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Like snow, we fall. Magic in the wind, muddle when on earth.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I'm sorry;  
> 2\. English is not my first language;  
> 3\. Writing a story like this while being mentally ill and non-binary gender myself had been difficult right up until now, and I will not update weekly for many reasons;  
> 4\. My intention is not to offend anyone, but if I do...please know it was unintentional. Feel free to let me know if I had messed up something at my tumblr.
> 
> [my blog](http://you-are-not-a-drone.tumblr.com)
> 
> Ps: please be nice

_Love is not all, it's not meat nor drink,  
Nor slumber, nor a roof against the rain;_

*

Being in a car during rush-hours was never fun for him, for having to be constantly reminded of his own mortality was somewhat difficult to accept.

Driving, on the other hand, was downright spectacular, to say the least.

«Maman, for God's sake!», was the shrieking plead that came from Saiko's mouth, all babbling and rattling of teeth, «You're going to get us killed!»

Haise only response was directed to the steering wheel, and a quite articulated one nonetheless: secure and determined, his hands maneuvered the vehicle with such precision and economy of movements that others would have thought nothing of it if not the work of an experienced stunt.

However, unfortunately for Haise's passengers and their dear belongings –shattered all over their seats in the heat of the moment–, red lights and some innocent passerby were not particularly prone to compliments that day.

Neither were the kids themselves.

Saiko had insisted to get on the passenger seat, on Haise's left for the only purpose of snatching the wheel herself if it was necessary.

However, in what way she planned to save the day by shouting in her mentor's ears in order to make him drive like a normal human being was beyond Haise's comprehension of her mind.

Urie, much like to Haise's distress, was looking right at him with murderous intent through the rear glass up on top of the man's head.

Shirazu and Mutsuki, finally, were holding onto each other for dear life, probably praying some sort of entity to save them all.

They arrived at the Academy right on time but, when the car stopped, the kids were feeling too nauseous for stepping down from the vehicle.

Only when Urie was able to peel himself off from his seat, taking Mutsuki with him while barking at Shirazu to not puke all over his shoes, and Saiko felt brave enough to put her feet on the pavement without fussing too much over her now-ruined-hairdo, only then Haise bid them good luck for their examinations.

Urie gave him the middle in response.

After all of them were out of sight, having disappeared behind the familiar glass doors of the CCGS building, Haise decided to rest his head on the steering wheel for a bit, contemplating if he was dissociating again or if his lack of enthusiasm could be a consequence of his inconsistency in self-care.

But he had no way to address the matter for more than twenty seconds that someone honked behind him, startling him enough to make him step vehemently on the accelerator.

He arrived safe at home with no recollection whatsoever of his way back to the Chateau.

*

Having been traumatized for life after that morning fun-driving-adventure with their mentor, the kids texted him to "not dare showing up" (Urie), "please restrain from endangering innocent children" (Saiko), "stay at home enjoying his day off" (Mutsuki), and "find a hobby to pass the time instead of causing heart attacks at unexpected moments" (Shirazu).

But only after being reassured that they would have grabbed something to eat on their way home Haise let himself relax, and only afeter having cleaned the fridge and reorganized the pantry he was able to prepare for his meeting with the Mados, due to five pm.

However, when the bell chimed perfectly on time, Haise found himself slowing down on his way to answer the door, feeling somewhat empty and dull. He grabbed the handle hoping desperately to being able to endure this meeting with a smile plastered on his pale face.

Not even a real one...but he had to show Akira and her husband some kind of respect, for everything they had done for him.

Haise opened the door to welcome his guests, laughing happily at the sight of Akira and Amon wearing matching star-shaped sunglasses and red noses.

«Happy birthday, Haise!», they mouthed, knowing all too well how much Haise's neighbors hated strange noises.

And the young man wanted nothing more to feel at ease being celebrated by his benefactors...

...but just by looking at Amon's wheelchair and Akira's trembling hands he felt sick.

"They have it worse than me", he thought by himself. "Right now I'm just being selfish".

 _You always have been_ , a small voice inside of his head reminded him.

*

«So, tell us. How are you holding up?», Akira asked while seating down on the chair next to Amon, «Are the kids good to you? Do you need help in scolding them? I recall you've always been unnervingly gentle with your pupils...», she added, somewhat unimpressed with the truth of her statement.

«...please ignore her, Haise. She's just messing with you.», was Amon's last comment before tea was served. Both the Mados took off their fake sunglasses at that point, but they managed to keep on the sponge red noses, making Haise giggle while trying to drink from his cup.

They accepted to quit with the shenanigans only after having seen their poor host unable to breathe, with his hands balled up in tight fists, pounding helplessly on the table.

However, in order to ask for his forgiveness, Amon revealed a box full of donuts under the briefcase he was holding on his knees, opening it in front of Haise with a proud smile on his face.

«We were able to find all your favorites...starting with banana flavored ones, passing through some chocolate sprinkled heaven, ending with a god forsaken amount of coffee induced coma in form of icing decoration.»

«They're costume-made.», explained Akira after noticing Haise's marveling stare «You know we cannot bake for shit, but then...your preferences were so peculiar that we had some troubles finding the right person for the job.»

Before Haise could even try to show how sorry he was for the trouble he caused, Akira stuffed a donut in his mouth, waiting for him to roll his eyes at the sensations exploding on his own tongue.

However, the sight of a crying and trembling Haise –while scaring Amon to death–, was not enough to make the woman even blink in confusion. «...my, Haise. How long has it been since you got laid?», she deadpanned, making Amon stutter by her side while causing another laughing fit from their host.

The rest of the afternoon passed easily enough and, in between jokes and awful puns from Haise's part, all three of them were able to enjoy some quiet and lovely gossiping.

The Mados assured him that Takizawa was doing fine, having transferred just recently in the States for their PHD thesis project in Genetics, and that they were going to skype him late that evening to bid him a happy birthday.

Both Akira and Amon missed them greatly, and Haise was not even able to fathom how difficult it could be for them to be so far away from their partner, but they reassured him it was for the best that Takizawa was living their dream.

«Taki had always been a hothead, and don't misunderstand me...we love them for this. But they're young and they deserve to express their genius.»

«And they could grant us inside information from the enemy every once in a while...», Akira added with a mischievous grin.

After that, they spontaneously drifted away from the subject, chatting about other acquaintances of theirs, and Haise restrained from pressing the matter, having sensed their evident pain in talking about their lover.

But the Mados were enthusiastic enough to drag their host in the depths of a heated discussion about Japan adoption laws right after being asked how Kurona e Nashiro were doing.

Akira's frustration showed at that point, giving up any pretense of being a serious and respected adult when she asked Haise if she could grab a beer from his fridge. Amon's only response to his wife request was a stern nod of acknowledgment, for he was pissed just as her at the government for its strictness.

«I swear to God, those girls are so smart.», Akira said before opening her can and drowning up its contents.

«They love us, all three of us, and they don't have a single problem with our kind of relationship. They say we're cool for not giving a fuck about stereotypes.», she continued, showing some signs of tipsyness already.

«We got married, just the two of us, as the government asked. We bought a huge house with balconies and a garden and a shitton of guest rooms for Taki to live in as they like. But they'll have to hide somewhere else during the periodical caseworkers' examinations. We had to swear in front to every possible authority that we are straight and that we're going to be just as much no matter what. We assured them we're perfectly capable of raising the girls even with our disabilities and past traumas...but the government says we have to wait.»

«And then there's the possibility that someone else'll be able to snatch away the girls.», explained Amon, taking a discreet sip from his wife's beer, shaking his head in disdain. «Kurona actually suggested to run away from every single foster home they could be assigned to, until someone gets the message.»

«She's just like Taki...we love Kurona. And...and Nashiro! She wants to study psychology just like her mama! We love Nashiro...»

«Dear, you're not their "mama".», Amon reminded her, looking straight in the void with a scary expression.

«...yet.», was Akira's answer, with a tone of voice matching her husband's one, shoving the usual pills into her mouth and swallowing them without drinking.

The Mados were ruthless, to say the least.

Haise let them get off some steam in regard of their situation for as long as they felt comfortable to.

Dodging questions related to his romantic life (or lack thereof), he preferred to talk about the kids instead, focusing on their accomplishments.

He was proud of them all, but the upcoming week was devoted to Mutsuki in particular, for he had an important race to attend and was on edge at the thought of making a fool out of himself.

He talked to his friends about his plan of surprising Shirazu with a motorcycle for the next festivities and, being the usual mother hen that he was, Haise was already stressing about how to save enough in the next months to achieve his goal.

He then proceeded to narrate in excruciating detail how brave Saiko had been in the last year or so, having moved on from her fears while being able to socialize even in crowded places.

He was going to talk about Urie and his embarrassing way to show Haise how much he cared for his mentor...when Akira put a trembling hand on his mouth, shutting him up for sure.

She smiled and, without saying a single word, she stood up from her chair and cradled his head on her shoulder.

He had no way to ask her what was going on, for Akira spoke shooting words to his hear.

In response to which, he refused to crumble like ash.

«...you are loved too, Haise.»

 _No, you're not_ , reminded him the usual voice.

Haise decided to ignore it for the time being, enjoying that rare embrace while he was able to.

But when the Mados bid him farewell and left, the young man remained outside for a very long time before becoming aware of being cold.

*

The kids arrived home right at that moment, startling their mentor while opening the garden gate with the usual cringing noise.

«Sassan?», Shirazu asked, slowing down his stride just a couple of steps before Haise.

Without losing his touch, the man asked the kids how was their examination, knowing all too well how much Shirazu felt insecure about the subject.

Indeed, after hearing his mentor's concern, the boy slumped his shoulders and lowered his eyes, as Haise predicted.

_You're a manipulative and disgusting human being._

«...I'm sorry Sassan. I don't think it went that well...»

At that point, Saiko happily chimed in, hugging Shirazu from behind, reaching just above his abdomen, squeezing him tightly in her embrace, «I'm sure I did much much much muuuuuuuch worse than you, Shiragin.»

The boy scoffed, suddenly kneeling down to aim at the girl's legs and pick Saiko up, «...of course you did, you NEET. I'm sure it was fun not going to school for an entire year, yeah?», he asked jokingly, aware of the girl's struggles the previous year but not shy enough to not address the matter at every possible occasion in order to piss Saiko off.

Fortunately, they continued their familiar bickering with no hard feelings, entering the house with a smile on their faces.

But when Haise looked away from them, he noticed Mutsuki reaching for Urie before he shoved away his arm from the smaller boy.

Urie stormed inside, running to the stair without acknowledging Haise's questioning look.

A loud _bang!_ echoed from upstairs, and that was it.

Mutsuki ascended the stairs with a deep sigh of frustration, dismissing his mentor confusion with a fake smile on his face.

«Teach, happy birthday...sorry, we forgot this morning. Being in a rush and everything...»

«Happy birthday Sassan!», came from Shirazu, probably already seated at the kitchen counter, eating away his insecurities, «...we forgot, being assholes and all, that's the truth.», he concluded, mocking Mutsuki's words with no trace of mischief in his voice.

«Maman! Why do I sense donuts in the air? Was uncle Amon here?»

«That old sport! Surely he left something for us!»

«...I'm afraid they ate everything already, Shiragin!»

«For shame, Sassan. For shame!»

Mutsuki rolled his eyes at their shenanigans, entering home looking at Haise with a confused expression, «...what are you waiting, Teach?»

 _To be happy...just for once, isn't it right? You shameful bastard?_ , the voice reminded him, making him cringe inside.

_You don't deserve them._

"I know."

_You sure?_

Haise shook his head, smiling softly at his pupil, following him inside even if he was not ready to deal with everything yet.

"Yeah...pretty damn sure."

*

«I swear Sasaki. I'm going to top this thesis project in a matter of months and then I'm taking this adoption nonsense in my hands...I'm even open to the idea of taking the girls with us and flee the country. They're not going to stop three loving parents to stay away from their beloved kids, am I right?»

Takizawa's energy was able to put some sense into Haise, grounding him in the present even with a simple intercontinental call from the States.

California, apparently, was a land of magic and freedom: a very stinky one at that, but a wonderland nonetheless.

And Haise was sure he heard the word "unicorn" a couple of times during Takizawa's uninterrupted speech.

The way his peer expressed themselves, gesturing widely at any given moment, and their unshakable optimism were always the best cure against any form of crippling sadness, and Haise was grateful for this.

He really was...even if sometimes he would have enjoyed some sort of consideration for his attention span. It had become quite difficult for him to concentrate properly during a conversation, and even with his spectacles on he had some trouble focusing on his interlocutor.

«...Sasaki, man, am I perhaps boring you?», Takizawa asked in a mocking tone, probably addressing Haise's huge yawn with an ounce of pity in their voice.

But a simple gesture of dismiss from the young man was all it took for his friend to keep going on...and Haise was literally on the verge of crashing his head down on the keyboard when Takizawa asked him something completely unexpected and, frankly, pretty scary.

«By the way, how is Mutsuki doing with his plan on getting top surgery?», was Takizawa's earnest question, evidently non registering at all Haise's stunned expression, for he continued, unaware of the strike the man just suffered from the surprise.

«He asked me a while back how much it costed or how painful it was and stuff, so I hope I was able to give him at least some kind of help...even if I'm not that good in explaining myself, you know.»

Haise was able to respond at every cue or question, nodding and shaking his head when he was supposed to and so on...but his mind was racing while Takizawa described to him how exited Mutsuki had showed to be in asking those information in the first place.

He could do it.

He could celebrate Shirazu's hard work with the motorcycle he always dreamed of driving and taking care of.

He could sustain Urie's gym subscription and top quality art supplies, while letting Saiko use her monthly allowance for her experimenting with hobbies and leisure activities.

And he could for goddam sure get Mutsuki to obtain the peace of mind he deserved after years of self hatred and body dysphoria.

He just needed to organize his time schedule in the most convenient way, working harder than before.

_Doing a job that constantly triggers you into oblivion, well done Haise._

"It's not going to happen...I can do it."

_You fake. You're nothing but trash. You're nothing but weak._

«...Sasaki?», called Takizawa, looking somehow concerned judging by the ogling they were giving Haise from the computer screen, «Are you tired, do you need to sleep? How was the last time you got some rest, man?»

Haise excused himself, ending the calling with his friend's approval but not before promising to get in touch soon.

But right after he closed the tab on his laptop, his hears sensed someone lurking behind his door and in a matter of seconds he opened it, revealing in a flash the image of Urie's door shutting up as soon as Haise noticed the movement at the end of the dark corridor on the second floor.

He considered going after him to make sure he was okay after having probably heard about Mutsuki, thinking then better of it and letting it go.

He checked on the other kids instead, marveling at Mutsuki early retirement when he passed his room, noticing through the crack under the door how the light had been shut down at nine pm.

Saiko, as usual, was in her bunk bed playing under the covers on her console, not answering Haise's knocking on the door left ajar in order to hide the fact that she was still awake.

Their mentor left both of the nineteen year old kids to their privacy, but felt extremely anxious nonetheless for thinking to have been cold towards them in the last few days.

He was just about to dwell in the familiar sensation of riding the guilt train to Hate Town when he became aware of his position in front of Shirazu's open door, having wandered aimlessly for at least five minute straight up and down the corridor, not even bothering with looking out of the floor-ceiling windows as he usually did.

Suddenly, he felt bad for the way he had welcomed the kid some hours prior, forcing him to face his low self-esteem so early in the evening after a difficult test at the CCGS.

He was sorry for his constant changing in moods, he really was...but he did not know ho to stop being so defensive in front of others.

Usually, he lied easily enough for his friends to be reassured of his well being...but with observant kids like Shirazu it was always difficult.

 _Stop making excuses for your pitiful self_ , mocked the voice, snickering behind his eyeballs with endless delight.

Haise did not see it coming when Shirazu looked up from the book he was reading at his desk with a startled expression.

He simply had no idea how he ended up behind his pupil, creeping up on him from behind his shoulders with no recollection of having moved from the corridor.

«...shit, Sassan. You scared me.», the kid panted while trashing his hands on the desk in order to cover his book with some pin-up and engines magazine.

Haise tried to lighten up the mood by raising his voice and making awful jokes about old mothers snooping around and poor kids trying to jerk off in peace, but Shirazu's only reaction was some flustered nonsense while Urie's groan of frustration could be heard from the next room.

Shirazu was obviously studying, too preoccupied with his forever failing grades to not stress over finals and stuff even during a Saturday night.

But, for some reason, he didn't want to let Haise know about his nocturnal study-sessions, and so his mentor commented no further.

Not even when his pupil blatantly tried to change the topic asking him what he was "up to", covering his magazines and books with an elbow.

Haise's only response, strangely enough, was to not wait up for him that night, letting the kid steam up and turn red in embarrassment at the implication of that statement.

After all, for as bad as a person he could have been, Haise was human.

And the night of his twenty-sixth birthday was still young.

*

The truth, and a really disturbing one at that, was that he had to escape from that house.

Because, for as much as Haise was determined to work his ass off for giving the kids everything they wanted, he had at least to enjoy some wild behavior before committing entirely to his goal.

And the truth, the very sad one, was that he had felt relieved when he had entered the uber car all dressed up for the night. And even before that, he had felt free from his responsibilities while considering where to go and who to be.

He had felt at ease choosing to impersonate Sasako instead of Yami, slipping in his favorite dress and caressing affectionately the wig that suited him the most.

But the truth, the deeply disgusting one, was that he needed to charm up, strip down, and power-bottom the hell out of someone while being fucked senseless by some stranger.

Even if that night he didn't felt particularly feminine.

Even if he was forcing himself to enter Sasako's mindset out of stubbornness.

Even if he knew he was being irrational in that very moment. Even if he would have found himself balled up in a sobbing mess the next day.

The truth was...he didn't care.

That night he was Sasako, and she was fun and adorably kinky at that.

And being different from Yami and their distant and sadistic self, Sasako had no interest in texting Furuta for some stealthy rave in some abandoned line of the Tokyo underground tube.

Sasako didn't have to put up with Furuta and his denial of being something else than a hole, nor she was forced to not getting laid properly because of his refusal to give head to his partner.

Sasako enjoyed being seduced and treated as the queen she was...instead of feeling nothing but a sex driven animal like Yami, who preferred to use their dick of a brain to manipulate others for their own benefit.

Sasako felt somewhat satisfied in knowing that Haise's pupils were completely oblivious to their mentor's secret life.

And she chatted happily with her uber after declaring her intention to go to Ni-Chōme, not even bothering looking the man in the eye to see his reaction to her statement.

But he seemed professional enough to keep his thoughts on the gay district for himself, talking instead about how the whether channel on the radio predicted snow for that particular night.

Then he proceeded to list his services, saying he was willing to take her home safely at any hour, in an obvious attempt to make her praise him on the Uber App.

She absentmindedly accepted his offer, not at all enthusiast at the idea of getting a cab while possibly (hopefully) drunk.

After all, she was not sure about the sexual outcome of the night...what was the downside of having a back-up plan for the way back?

While her driver asked her if she minded some music on the radio, Sasako looked out of the window with a concerned scowl.

"Snow on the second of April...as if!", was Sasako's positive thought of the day, for she was going to enjoy herself without stressing about the stupid weather.

She needed a night out.

Even if she knew she was only the King of Fakes.

*

The bar she ended up in was one of her favorites, where people were able to present themselves how they liked without the usual gender-based stereotypical dressing code.

One time she tried to drag Furuta in a similar but quieter place, with soft music and lovely booths for casual conversation...but he ruined the experience for her and that was exactly why she preferred this new place.

More lively and colorful, with pounding beats and easy access to warm bodies at her disposal.

No bitchy Furuta in sight, no way of being recognized in the crowd by someone from the past...it was what she needed.

And it was exactly what she got.

Even if the night would have ended with no fun for her sexual life, Sasako was determined to dance 'till morning if it meant getting off some steam.

Her confidence made up for her lack of coordination, and a few drinks made the trick in soothing her nerves.

Some western song was playing with its sensual tones in the background, seemingly on repeat in the distance of Sasako's mind, when a tall man with dyed purple hair approached her with purpose and verve, grabbing her hand and twirling her around in rhythm with the music.

His grip was strong enough to make her interested, even if she was quite appalled by his ill-matched tailored clothes and his creepy habit of breathing in deeply every time he ventured near her collarbone and neck.

She was willing to overlook all this, until she had the opportunity to feel his body more firmly against hers...and then she could ignore the signs no more.

No firmness in his butt cheeks, total absence of a penis worth of her attention, no arousal or sparks from their contact.

She ditched him with a kind smile on her face, leaving the poor (practically prepubescent) man in the middle of the dance floor.

Another song then made its way through the crowd, making her swoon in anticipation with it's pulsing beats and deep, mesmerising tones.

And she danced like her life depended on it, welcoming those tantalising stares that, in some other world, would have scared her.

But that night no persecution nonsense or self esteem issue were going to ruin her fun...not when wandering hands on her shoulders and hips were making her tremble in pleasure like that.

Then, from the corner of her eye, someone caught her attention from down the bar stools, on the far end of the club.

Surely, those misleading lights wanted to trick her into believing that stranger's hair to be made out of silver, and his face to be the work of some divine intervention or capricious whim...but Sasako was drawn to him nonetheless.

His collected and quiet behaviour was what intrigued her the most, for it made it seem the man to be out of place in that kind of context.

Perfectly still, perfectly silent...he didn't struck as the type to indulge in some occasional hooking, nor he looked interested to be in a place full of sweaty and clashing bodies.

He wasn't looking at her, nor seemed having noticed her wondering gaze.

Rectangular spectacles were hiding his eyes from view, while his white shirt reflected intermittent and flashing light onto his spectral traits.

Unmoving and unfazed, the man was able to spark something vibrant and terrifyingly cold in the pit of her stomach.

A desire so powerful it scared her shitless.

*

Sasako admired him from afar with such longing to forget completely about her dancing partners.

But, when yet another song began to slither achingly into her chest, the young woman found herself being left alone.

Her suitors gone, having probably grown bored with her and her obvious lack of interest in their propositions and moves.

Like a dirty sock left on the ground after being tainted, she found herself alone surrounded by unfamiliar faces.

She felt distinctly her persona crack quietly in the distance of her consciousness, on its way to be completely destroyed under the pressure of her insecurities.

However, Sasako was determined to get herself the night she deserved, not willing to be overpowered by past abandonment issues and crippling depression.

She made her way to the bar counter at the end of the hall, panicking way too late when faced with the possible consequences of her action.

Just a couple of seconds before approaching the stranger she had set her eyes on, a woman in her late twenties fussed other that very man on the vacant stool right next to him.

Feeling somewhat shy and not at all competitive towards that pretty girl, Sasako seated next to her with no desire of being noticed.

She tried to catch the bartender attention, but once again the woman next to her had to have the priority.

«…why don't you give me your number while you're at it.», asked the woman, blowing up a lock of her rose-dyed hair up her nose, leaning on the counter to speak with the manager behind it, «So you can teach me how to make the drink I asked you for a while back.», she continued, flirting her way through the crowd of patrons.

Sasako eavesdropped with a confused expression their exchange, too preoccupied to feign disinterest while playing with her skirt to focus on the matter at hand. After a while the bartender went away, together with Sasako possibility to order a drink.

Then, another man with a severe and stern face loomed over her stranger, approaching him opposite from the girl, closing in on her over the bespectacled man. «Quit your dallying routine, Hairu. You have a girlfriend to take care of.»

«Matsumae dumped me, remember? And for some younger German...hipster dude on top of all!»

«Maybe she wouldn't have had to, if you were a better girlfriend.»

«Oh, shut your trap, Taishi.», the woman scoffed, crossing her legs on the stool while surveying the dancing floor with a dangerous gaze, «Not everyone can say to be happily married to their high school sweetheart like yourself.»

«You could have too, if only you were less inclined to flirt with every goddam living being.»

Then, a deep growl was heard coming from the stranger in the middle, who was sustaining his forehead with a hand while leaning on the table.

He seemed distressed from his acquaintances' bickering, but refrained from intervening.

«…what could possibly be his problem now?», asked the other man, whispering away from his friend to address the girl instead, «Is it because he dislikes the place? 'Cause I'm totally fine with leaving this hell of a brothel.»

«Don't insult my jam...if it was for you two workaholics, weekends would be no fun at all.», she added, sticking out her tongue in her friend's direction before leaning back and murmuring something in the stranger's ear.

His only response was yet another growl and a brief nod, right before the woman rose from her seat and grabbed their mutual friend's arm...dragging him to the dance floor apparently as punishment for his bitchiness.

The stranger was left alone at his stool, absentmindedly nursing his semi-empty glass of what appeared to be scotch.

Sasako first impulse was to climb right on his lap and kiss his neck, but she managed to restrain herself.

That man was way out of her league.

So much that she felt somehow betrayed and angry...and irrationally jealous of him. How was it possible to be that attractive and getting away with it?

She caught herself staring sadly at him just before he noticed her at the corner of his sight, and Sasako had no idea how she managed to peel her eyes off from that killer of a face only a second before he began looking at her.

She tried to catch the bartender's attention once again, but the woman had ignored her in order to serve some other patron on the far left side of the counter.

The man's eyes, she was sure of it, remained on her for the whole pathetic attempt, making her shiver from head to toe from the intensity of his stare.

Pouting discreetly to herself, Sasako refused to let a beautiful stranger dictate how she had to perceive herself, and was more than inclined to get back on the dance floor...

...when a bottle of vodka made its way in her visual field, forcing her to lift her eyes and turn her head to the left.

The man had reached on the other side of the counter, and was now showing her the bottle he had snatched, like he was asking her opinion about it.

He showed no expression a part from a slight lift of his right eyebrow, waiting for her to make up her mind about the drink.

Nervous beyond recognition, having transformed in a trembling pile of chewed-up bones, Sasako nodded furiously at the man, observing how he looked out for the bartender –probably alerted in case she came back– before reaching once again behind the table in order to get a couple of shot-glasses.

After he filled them both, he passed Sasako hers, waiting for the young woman to click them together in a toast.

Complying out of pure terror, Sasako watched with bashful eyes the man drinking quietly, not even bothering fake-sipping out of her drink.

And she had the impression the man was going to say something...when the song ended and one of his friends called him to catch his attention.

Unfortunately, Sasako was too fascinated by his face to understand his name.

«I don't care what the both of you think, but I'm taking you home before Hairu gets arrested for obscene behavior.», the other man said to the stranger, grabbing him by the shoulder to make him turn in his direction.

He seemed stressed beyond recognition from the dancing he had been forced into, and was having none of the woman nonsense on the matter of leaving their friend alone.

«Let him be! Don't you see he's getting some?»

«He's better than that.», was his harsh response, spatted out not out of unkindness, but probably out of frustration.

«Taishi! He's a grown men. Don't you dare ruining his...!»

«That's why he better keep his hands away from a teenage girl.»

Ouch...that hurt.

So much that Sasako didn't even bother to respond to that man, knowing all too well how often alcohol spoke on others' behalf.

But she had no way of looking at the man expression after he had seen her blank and hurt gaze, because the stranger had put a large hand on her shoulder, startling her.

He then proceeded to making sure she was okay, looking deeply into her eyes in search of something she was unaware of.

Under that scrutiny, Sasako felt melting in a puddle of wrecked nerves, clutching at her still untouched drink.

He watched her intensely for yet a long minute, before taking that glass from her hand and drowning the content...

...and then lifting her chin and kissing her deeply, in front of his incredulous friends.

And vodka never tasted more sweet on her tongue, while that beautiful man embraced her tenderly.

Like she was something to be treasured in any possible way.

They parted shortly after, still breathless from the kiss, and Sasako found her hands gripping tightly the stranger's button down shirt while she was looking desperately into his empty eyes.

He considered her face for a couple of second, frowning slightly at her with no evident reason.

But eventually he leaned in and kissed her forehead, making her shiver in pleasure, before lowering down and whispering gently against her ear only few words.

Unnervingly familiar, disgusting, terrifying, lovely words.

In part covered by the music...

«Good (girl)...»

...in part completed by his twisted, twisted mind.

 _"...boy. You're such a_ good boy _...aren't you, little fag?"_

*

Humiliation flowed into his veins at the speed of light.

So fast and with such intensity that Haise had no way to focus his eyes on the man and his friends, now retreating into the dancing crowd like they were made out of smoke, vanishing in the distance.

And in that moment he felt ugly and smeared of useless makeup in the middle of a claustrophobic place full of stinking people he didn't know. He felt just like a little boy in a drag, and the tightness in his abdomen felt just like a shameful pitiful excuse of affection.

He contacted the uber in a matter of second, unable to suffer another minute feeling nauseous surrounded by unwanted leers and repulsive attentions.

His night has ended just after midnight had struck and Haise wanted nothing more than forget everything that just happened.

When his driver arrived, the young man run the hell out of the bar after having retired his jacket, and than proceeded to walk with long strides towards the end of the block, where he was awaited.

The last snow of the past season began to fall at that very moment.

But Haise missed that as well, too horrified by his own memories to focus his gray eyes on the present.

*

He found himself in front of the Chateau once again with no recollection of the drive back home in less than twenty-four hours.

Fumbling with the keys for a while, he was able to enter the hall and getting to his room on the first floor without making too much noise.

Only after having dismissed his clothes on the floor and washed his face and hands with murderous intent he was able to breath again.

And only after he had reached in the cupboard next to the sink and clasped with trembling hands his secret stash of pills...only after all this Haise was able to look at his reflection in the mirror.

However, his bloodshot eyes focused of Shirazu's image on the other side of the reflective surface.

Haise had just an instant to compose his features before turning around slowly in his pupil's direction, noticing distractedly how he had entered his mentor's room without a single knock on the door.

And the young man was pretty sure he was in his underwear, but found himself unable to care.

The dim lights coming from the windows in the bedroom showed Haise a scared and pale Shirazu.

«Sassan...is...is everything ok?», the boy asked gritting his teeth out of fear and tension.  
_He waited up for you to return safely...and look at what you've done now_.

Haise blinked a couple of times, intensifying his grip on the small bottle of his beloved pills.

«...Sassan, what happened?»

_"Yeah...what did a good boy like you do this time?"_

«Nothing.», Haise answered with endless emptiness in his voice, smiling with no more control over his own facial muscles, making the effort of looking peaceful and kind probably out of habit.

«Not a thing.»


	2. Kick the puppy until it talks to you. Until it says it loves you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The usual, this update is brought to you by Niki, currently crying over chapter 73.  
> I had this chapter already prepared, so do not mistake me for an efficient writer, since I'm not able to write so much in a single week.  
> Let me know if my English is messed up or if I have addressed some issues in the wrong way.
> 
> Mentions of internalized shit and manipulative behavior.  
> Mentions of drug abuse and eating disorders.  
> Mentions of abusive behavior and self-hatred tendencies.
> 
> Characters are flawed, not perfect.  
> And beware the Furuta Nimura...I've warned you.
> 
> [my blog](http://you-are-not-a-drone.tumblr.com)

_Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink  
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;_

Sunday the third was erased from April's calendar from his point of view.

He never bothered to get up from bed, letting his pills work their magic on him, and the kids never bothered him either...

...until a loud _crash!_ woke him suddenly and irremediably, once and for all.

The young man tried way too fast to raise from bed with some nasty headache to be able to function correctly on his way to the second floor.

While putting on some sweatpants, he severely hurt a foot on one of the pillars of his door, nonetheless he raised from earth to seek the origin of the loud noise.

The stairs made him sick to the core, with all their undulating and mocking steps, onto which he limped aimlessly until he reached his destination.

But the sunset light filtrating from the windows was too intense for his eyes, showing him the dark and blinding depths of a horrifying abyss.

He brought shaking hand on his aching forehead, making his way to the corridor with tired determination.

Everyone was there, seemingly unaware of his presence for the time being.

Everyone...a part from Urie.

Apparently trapped in his own bedroom, judging by the way Mutsuki was pounding desperately his fists on the kid's very door calling his name.

Saiko was crouching down in a corner, trying with everything she had to not cry in front of her friends.

But right before Shirazu could get the chance to break into the room by hitting the door with his body, his mentor opened it with a powerful kick, not giving a damn about the foot he injured just moments prior.

He then went straight to where Urie was, giving orders to Shirazu to calm down Saiko, who had began wailing in the distance after the door had been burst open.

Urie was indeed trapped, having probably performed a risky press bench using his barrel and resulting –consequently– in him getting squeezed between the two pieces of equipment.

Mutsuki rushed toward his upperclassmen with every intention of freeing him from that vile exercising set-up.

But he was too slim to lift it and he looked around powerlessly in search of help.

Haise, on the other hand, contemplated to leave his pupil stuck in that position forever.

"...and they woke me up for this shit?", he asked himself before his conscience could shove some sense into his soul.

The man slowly made his way to Urie, grabbed the barrel with both ends and deadlifted the weigh without a single sweat.

He kept at it while the kid underneath proceeded to slide away from the bench.

However, even when Haise had put the barrel back on the ground, allowing the boy to feel safe now that the danger had been taken care of...even then Urie looked at his mentor with disdain.

Like the man had just hurt him instead of saving his sorry ass.

 _Weren't you worried for him?_ , mocked the usual voice, flashing in loud and red tones right in the middle of his skull.

Haise considered Urie for a long time before answering that question.

He looked at the way he was panting after the fright, he observed his expression getting colder and colder while Mutsuki worried over him.

And, for the first time since they had known each other, he noticed how blind the kid was towards others.

And he felt sorry for having overlooked the signs until then.

Then, Haise let himself breathe, for he had retained his reason...reassuring himself that he was, indeed, worried for Urie.

"...of course I am."

_Are you, now?_

«Are you hurt? Do we have to call an ambulance?», Mutsuki asked him pale in the face, examining the kid's face with obvious concern.

«...I'm fine.»

«Do you feel sore? Have you felt a spasm?»

«Torou...»

«...does it hurt somewhere? Do you need me to check on you?»

«Tooru, let it be...», Urie said in a growl, rubbing furiously at the bridge of his nose in an obvious effort to not burst in a fit of frustration.

«I need to know if you're okay Ku...»

«Don't you dare use that fucking name with me.», he continued, baring his teeth in a snarling expression.

«What are you talking about...?», Mutsuki tried to ask with sadness in his voice, reaching for Urie's face.

And Haise saw it coming.

But did nothing to prevent it.

Urie lashed out his hand so fast he hit Mutsuki on the face, forcing the boy to limply slump backwards and cover his right eye in pain.

The injured boy started to cry softly by the window, but somewhat refused to make any noise, for he covered his mouth with a hand in order to suppress any form of sobbing or hiccuping, shaking his head in denial.

Urie regretted immediately his action, and tried to get near the other boy with fast excuses on his lips...when Haise grabbed him by the arm, preventing him from kneeling down next to Mutsuki.

Darkness fell into the room at twilight's arrival, casting dangerous shadows on the young man's haunted face.

«Cut it, Urie.», he said in a flat voice, reaching for Mutsuki from above to lift him from the ground, «...you've done enough.»

«Sasaki, I...I didn't mean to...»

«I said. Cut. It. Urie.», his mentor insisted, fixing his stare into the boy's one, watching him closely while Mutsuki raised on trembling legs.

Haise and the younger boy left the kid in his room without another word, meeting Shirazu and Saiko's preoccupied scowls on their way down the corridor.

At that time it was easy to ignore their confusion and sorrow, just like it had been spontaneous for him to not get in between Mutsuki's concern and Urie's anger.

But Haise knew he had no right to dissociate like that in the presence of the kids.

He was aware of his dysfunctional behavior as the head of the family.

He knew...and yet, there he was.

Incapable of feeling a single thing while sustaining a crying boy. Not a thing...a part from that fucking headache.

A pain so numbing it was going to chew his brain from the inside out.

*

It was late in the night when Haise left Mutsuki's room.

The bandage and medication turned up nicely enough to leave the boy reassured of his quick recovery, for he had been lucky his eye was not damaged.

The blow, however, would have eventually shown traces the next day and this troubled the kid greatly.

He feared the medical entourage of the Accademy to judge him inadequate for the imminent race he was supposed to attend, but Haise promised to have a talk with Doctor Shiba as soon as possible on the matter.

Mutsuki showed distress at the idea, asking Haise to not let the old man know about what append that evening.

Haise didn't have to ask him why.

After he had made sure the boy was bundled up under warm blankets and deep in his painkillers-induced sleep, the young man closed the door of the bedroom behind his shoulders, leaning on the wood for a while and breathing in slowly.

Urie was right in front of him, with his arms crossed over his chest in a pitiful attempt to warm himself, not having changed from his tank top and shorts.

Haise felt at loss looking into his dull eyes, unable to deal with him for the time being...but not unwilling to try.

He made a gesture for the boy to follow him downstairs, waiting for Urie be able to leave his position in front of Mutsuki's room.

He watched carefully as the kid reluctantly pulled away from the door, still looking at it while he began his descending on the first floor.

Passing by the hall, they noticed Shirazu fussing over the stove in the kitchen while Saiko was slouching unhappily on the counter: both of the kids were talking in whispers, facing away from the direction Haise and Urie came from.

The young man then led the way to his bedroom, entering it and closing the door only when his pupil ventured inside with a stern expression.

And Haise could not avoid to intervene, maybe for the first time since the kids barged in head first in his life.

He had to speak, loud and clear, for it was his duty to educate them into functioning and happy adults.

Even if sometimes he had some trouble feeling one of them himself.

*

«Why is it so cold in here?», Haise asked in a sigh, threading cautiously at the corners of the upcoming argument, «...none of you thought of turning on the heating today?», he continued, gesturing Urie to sit down on the still unmade bed that Haise had left untouched since his awakening.

The boy looked at him with embarrassment and confusion, sitting down with rigid and uncomfortable movements.

«...I think the others tried to turn it on, but the system crashed on them.», he said, shrugging to show how little he cared.

Haise took his chair from the desk and then proceeded to sit right in front of Urie, leaning in to sustain himself onto his elbows and knees.

«And why is that no one came to me for assistance?», the young man asked, rubbing a temple with increasing intensity.

Then, astonished by that question but not enough to let it show on his face, Urie observed his mentor for a couple of seconds in silence band fore speaking again.

«Saiko tried to wake you up...but she found you unmoving on your bed. She came to me worried sick, 'cause you weren't waking up...but when I tried to enter your room Shirazu stopped me, saying you needed to rest...that you took some medicine to heal yourself.»

Guilt flowed into his heart like waves on the seashore, steady and persistent. And then Haise tried to get a hold on himself before facing Urie again, but found his braveness forgotten when his pupil's gaze showed him nothing but betrayal.

Like Shirazu's parents, the young men had proven to be unreliable.

Like Saiko's mother, their mentor preferred to sleep instead of helping the kids.

Like Mutsuki's caretakers, their guardian hid from anybody his abuse of drugs.  
And finally, like Urie's father, Haise showed to be reckless in using his authority on them.

Yet again, the men had to overcome his self hatred in order to fix his mistakes, and he was not above the idea of using some mind tricks to achieve his goal.

Smiling softly at Urie from his position on the chair, Haise let out a self-deprecating laugh, hollow and flat.

Scratching his chin out of habit, he focused his eyes on the kid, contemplating how to convince him of let the matter of the pills go.

Guilt put him in that position, and Guilt was going to free him from that difficult situation.

«...it's true, I wasn't feeling very good last night. I overworked myself somehow in the past couple of weeks. I took some sleeping pills in order to get some rest. I should've warned you, I know, and I'm sorry for this. But I couldn't take it anymore...too many restless nights, you see.»

Urie's expression changed immediately, from hatred to guilt and pity, knowing all too well the implications of Haise's presumed workaholic attitudes.

Not that Urie's understanding would have been completely misplaced, but his mentor was proud of his own deceiving abilities nonetheless.

_Using the circumstances that bough his mother to die in the first place...you're one hell of a bastard._

Haise didn't let the voice gets to him, leaning on the seat-back with a condescending smile on his face.

«But this is not what this conversation is about, is it now?», he continued, crossing his arms across his torso, feeling the irritating consistency of his t-shirt underneath, now damp with sweat after the ruckus with Mutsuki.

Even if he had thrown it on after having bandaged the kid, only one hour prior, he was already disgusted by its stickiness, and he felt even colder than before. Little did he know about how much exactly of that sensation was due to his own detachment from reality. Or, at least, Haise was trying to forget all about it.

He shook his head with a movement so slight Urie was not able to register it, for he was too focused on what his mentor had said.

«...so, is this about Mutsuki? I didn't mean to lash out like that.»

«You know, if you're worried about him you can ask me how he's doing.»

Urie considered that statement for a while, lowering his head in contemplation and fussing over Haise's duvet with his ever-gloved hands.

Then, the kid shrugged aimlessly, perhaps in hopes the man in front of him wouldn't notice how red his ears had become in the dim light coming through the windows of the room.

«... I'm going to apologize for the blow.»

Breathing out in a slow puff, Haise chewed on his bottom lip while pondering on how to force Urie to face his actions and their consequences.

«First, you're going to apologize with everyone for locking your door while working with dangerous equipment. I'm not going to overlook something like that in the future, and I will never have to...for you're not going to do something so stupid ever again. Have I made myself clear?»

Urie nodded unhappily, scowling up at Haise from under his bangs.

«Second, you will tell me what appended yesterday with Mutsuki...before I get the chance to wring it out of you.»

At that point, Urie snapped his head up in shock, trying to deny any possible implication of what his guardian was going to suggest.

And Haise would have much preferred to feign ignorance on the subject, but he remembered clearly Urie storming in his room right before dinner time and Mutsuki's early retiring for bed.

And he, as their mentor, could not stand this kind of behavior anymore...from both of them.

«Did he finally confessed to you?», the young men deadpanned, stepping on every single one of Urie's possible excuses with his severe and unforgiving words, «It's about time, I say...no one could stand the tension in this house anymore, after all.»

Urie tried to escape that embarrassing conversation by showing his famous and terrifying scowl, not at all willing to make a fool out of himself by talking about feelings, thank you very much.

But Haise was able to dodge that murdering stare by surprising his pupil with what he hate the most.

Memories of their firs days at the Chateau.

«…do you remember when it was just you and me in this house?», the young man asked, laughing mockingly but not unkindly at the thought, dwelling in the pleasant feeling of giving Urie a piece of his mind, «It's been three years now...and boy, were you stubborn. You refused to eat for the first week straight, saying you were already seventeen and that you had no obligation toward someone like me.

«We've bee through a lot, you and me. Then Shirazu came along and you had someone else to fight with...someone your same age, for once. But you two accepted to bury the hatchet in order to help me with Saiko, who arrived in this house with a severe case of binge-eating tendencies and her fear of open places to deal with. And you helped her with her eating disorder, while Shirazu taught her how to defend herself.

«However, when Mutsuki arrived, it became clear to me it was going to be difficult. Saiko was able to overcome her fears in order to teach Mutsuki how to enjoy life once again. Shirazu introduced him to sports and followed him at every competition since then. I gave Mutsuki all of my books for him to read, for his desire to educate himself was strong after years of neglect by his caretakers. We worked together as a family for the first time.»

The boy lowered his head, listening to Haise's voice like he needed just that to ground himself, like he had forgotten everything that family was able to achieve, and now wanted nothing more than enjoy the remembrance of those days.

«But you, Urie...you were always incredible with him. Even if you weren't chatty as Saiko, or energetic as Shirazu, with your quiet demeanor and collected attitude you were able to make Mutsuki feel safe. Because you, more than anyone, knew how much someone could suffer from their family's expectations or unachievable goals of perfection. You taught him to express himself through his passions and dreams...you showed him how to be good to himself.»

Urie said nothing at that, staring down at his knees with a stern expression on his pale face.

«And even if in the beginning he was afraid of you, being all grumpy and stoic at any given moment, in just a year he grew fond of you. And, as you probably understood after what happened before, he cares deeply about you. And you always have been a smart boy, Urie...so I hope you will be able to talk about this kind of things with me. Because you're not fooling anyone into thinking you don't care for him just as much.»

Silence fell into the room, and found the two in contemplation of each other's reactions.  
Urie considered Haise for a long time before speaking with trembling voice.  
But Haise waited patiently for his pupil to trust him, once again.

«I...I'm not gay.», was the first thing he said, but then he changed his mind and tried again, «Don't get me wrong, I know what those addicts bastards had done to him, I know they forced him to dress and act as a girl for all his life 'cause they didn't believe in dysphoria and stuff. But then again, they wanted him only for the subventions that came with the adoption...so they have always been scum. But I know how much he suffered and I respect him and his identity, and yet...»

«You heard me talk with Takizawa about Mutsuki's plan on getting the top surgery.», Haise intervened, trying to ease Urie into that difficult topic of conversation, «And, after that, perhaps there'll be the bottom one and so on, if this is Mutsuki's intention. And then, as you probably thought, suddenly there will be a male in love with you, and you'll be in a same-sex relationship...exactly what your step-father gave you shit for as a kid. Am I missing something?»

Mutsuki was already a man, surgery or not surgery.

Urie's only trouble was his own issues with shame and gas-lighting, not Mutsuki's ones.  
And, fortunately, he was working on those, like he had been since he arrived at the Chateau.

«When your mother widowed and got married for the second time, your new father forced you to embody the idea of a perfect son as he saw fit. He grew bored with your mother and left her fend for the both of you...but he always returned and wanted you to be just like him. And you have to remember that none of this is your fault...and that he was the only one in the wrong by dictating how you had to be.»

«...he just didn't want a fag for a son.», he tried whit no confidence whatsoever, still fearing his father judgment for defending his own identity.

«But not someone on the ace spectrum either, right?», Haise continued, a bit concerned about Urie's persistent lack of self awareness. They had had already been through that kind of conversation, and still to that day the boy felt shameful for not being as his stepfather wanted him to be.

Haise's recent lack of interest in the kids had bought Urie and the others to this.

And he was determined to fix everything.

He had to.

«He was ignorant and distant, but sometimes he was kind to you and this confused you greatly. But you have...you _must_ remind yourself that it was all his fault. It was him who projected onto you this obsession with physical superiority and toxic masculinity. It was him who wanted you to be interested in girls...because the alternative would have been much worse from his point of view. But that's it, Urie...it was him, not you.»

«...but it's me who's no good for Tooru.», the boy insisted, gripping at his knees with furious desperation, «It's me who struggles with physical contact, still...after years of therapy. And it's me who has this fucking disgusting issue with some stupid internalized shit. And it's me who...»

«And it's you who Mutsuki loves.», Haise responded, interrupting for good Urie's dangerous chain of self-harming thoughts, «And it's you who Mutsuki let call him by his chosen name. And it's you whom he fussed over in order to lift that heavy barrel just a couple of hours ago.»

Urie tensed at those words, lowering once again his head while his cheeks reddened.

«But I'm still not good to him...I...»

«And you thought to keep him away from you by giving him the silent treatment? You should know Mutsuki is never letting go of you, even if he were not to be reciprocated in his feelings. But even if he's thinking about the surgery, you've got to remember that it's not something you have rights over.»

«I know that.», he grumpily declared, playing with the stitching on his gloves, «But he never told me anything and I...»

«You got scared, I know...but that is something the both of you will have to work with. And he probably didn't want to scare you, talking to you about something so important so early in your romantic interactions.», Urie's face became completely red at that, and the boy shut up in front of his guardian.

He was trembling...that was just how nervous he felt about the idea of being loved for who he was.

And even if Haise had no experience on the subject, he was proud of Urie for being able to face his insecurities.

«Being in love is a pretty scary thing, after all...it's normal to feel at loss sometimes.», Haise joked, having every intention of embarrassing the kid while he still could.

«By the way...how was Mutsuki's confessions? Was he a sap like some chick lit propaganda, or was he all cool and stoic like you?», he mocked, determined to get out even a single laugh from Urie, who tried very hard not to crumble in front of his fool of a guardian.

«...that's our business, Sasaki...not certainly yours.», he settled for, biting the inside of his cheek to restrain himself.

Haise smiled softly at his pupil, but said nothing about the way he referred to Mutsuki and himself as a couple already.

He wanted to point that out, but he was not sure about Urie's feelings on the matter and didn't want to press him further.

But there was still something to say, for he never dared to talk so frankly to his protégé since the beginning of their life together.

And it had been a while since he felt so confident about his role as a guardian.

It had been so difficult for him to remember how he was supposed to be.

He had to be happy for them...not for himself only.

He leaned in, startling the kid but not enough for him to distance himself from Haise's hand.

His mentor left his hand suspended just a few centimeters from Urie's face, waiting for the boy to give him permission. And when he did, Haise caressed his cheek and then grabbed tenderly at his pupil's nape with careful fingers.

He waited for him to settle and adjust to the feel of being touched, before speaking.

Loud and clear.

«Remember, Urie...even if you hate your first name, even if your stepdad used to scare you by shouting it when he was displeased with you, even if he hurt you and your mother greatly...even if you have no father...you are still my first son.», he declared, with unwavering determination, cradling Urie's head in his left hand with care and endless pride.

«And you always will be, even if you're only six years my junior and we've met only three years ago for the first time. And, as your guardian, the only thing I want you to do is to be happy and kind to others. Have I made myself clear?»

Urie looked at him like he was seeing his mentor for the first time.

He used to be so aggressive and unforgiving towards others, and even towards himself.

So much that Haise thought he would never be able to see him show any kind of emotion.

But now, his mentor was allowed to watch him cry, and he was free to sit next to him and let him lean over his shoulder.

Haise was finally able to embrace his son after years of denial from Urie's part.

After years of silence in that home they build together three years prior.

Haise was, indeed, committed to sacrifice himself if necessary, in order to make them happy.

But even then, even when he was able to calm down his pupil, even when he was feeling somewhat happy for the outcome of the day...even then the usual voice spoke it's terrible verdict.

 _Liar_ , the voice said.

 _I hope you drown in your tears_ , the voice mocked.

*

When the both of them left Haise's room, they were assaulted by Shirazu and Saiko, who had clearly eavesdropped the entire conversation.

After Urie's declarations of war and Saiko's pleads for safety –pronounced while running around the table in order to escape the boy's wrath–, Shirazu was able to calm down the both of them, tackling them to the ground and forcing them to the longest group-hug ever attempted in human history.

He then rose from earth and run straight to the kitchen, revealing Haise and Urie the enormous amount of cookies he and Saiko had made while waiting for them.

Right then, without any permission from their mentor himself, the ever tireless girl decided to surprise Mutsuki in his bed by barging in his room and shoving some biscuits in his mouth while he was still asleep.

Urie went to the chase, unable to stop Saiko from her mastermind plan, but angry enough to throw the poor girl onto his shoulder and leave a baffled Mutsuki with his bed full of cookies and crumbles.

Haise and Shirazu watched the entire scene laughing at the trio shenanigans while eating the delicious midnight snack.

Or, to be more precise, Haise was sure it was, if only he had been able to taste it.  
His sense of smell and taste had been somewhat dull in the last months and he had no way to understand what those cookies were made out of.

However, for as much as a pity was the idea of not being able to appreciate something made by his kids, Haise enjoyed Shirazu and Saiko's hard work and praised them for it with great care and fervor.

But right before the man could impose his authority to get the kids to go to bed, Shirazu caught his attention...for he was smiling brightly at his mentor.

«I'm happy you're finally okay, Sassan...I was afraid you were never going to come back to us.»

He then left with no explanation for his words, clapping his hands in order to get the others to listen to his suggestion to call it a day for the time being.

Haise had no way to ask Shirazu what he had meant, that the house became silent, for everybody had already went back to their respective rooms.

And he found himself looking out of the windows on the second floor, staring at the ground covered by the remains of the snow that had fallen the night prior.

He tried to remember what had happened the previous day...

...but discovered himself unable to.

He smiled softly but hollowly at his reflection on the glass, taking in the sight of his tired eyes and white hair, which roots were in desperate need of a touch.

With a proud but exhausted expression, he considered everything he had done to change himself since his awakening in the hospital, six years prior.

He thought about how much he had still to do in order to better himself, but felt satisfied nonetheless.

Even if he had holes in his memories of the day before, and the ones of many and many other days before that, even if he felt at loss sometimes...

...even then he was fine, just as Shirazu had said.

And if he had forgot something, maybe it had been for the better.

Those pills, after all, were his only guarantee of survival.

And if the night before he had to take some, surely it had been for the best.

For he was rarely mistaken in the matter of pain, being an expert an all.

*

Friday arrived sooner than expected, bringing the date of Mutsuki's great race with it.

Eight kilometers of uninterrupted running on the street were all the boy had to cross in order to make it to the finish point, located in the Shinagawa Ward, near the Tennōzu Isle Station.

The track run throughout the city, following the flow of the Meguro River, which was skirted by beautiful cherry trees in full bloom –even if somewhat already fading– in that time of the year.

Even if it was just a charity event organized annually by the Academy to raise funds for the kids' extracurricular activities, it was the first time the promoters accepted a transgender athlete to compete in a eight kilometers junior man race.

It was a very important day for their Mutsuki indeed.

But once he would have been on sight by the end of the race, nearby Tokyo Bay, being first place would have made little difference for the boy.

Because that was the day society gave him the chance to prove himself as a man.

From Mutsuki's point of view, he had already won.

However, no one from the Sasaki Household would have ever foretold what happened that day.

Surrounded by cheering people nearby the Station, Haise felt at ease and enjoyed the tender breeze coming from the sea.

Because of their various obligations, that year they had had no time for enjoying the Hanami season in Tokyo to admire the cherry trees in bloom, but Mutsuki's race brought the perfect occasion for a joyful morning.

Haise had obtained some free time from work, and so was for the kids, who asked their teachers and tutors permission to attend the race as spectators.

The Accademy, after all, was no high school or college, and while the kids were not forced to show any signed permit from their parents (being of age and everything), they still had to make up for the lost time at the CCGS.

Being young recruits of one of the Central Committee of Global Security's Tokyo branch, all of them had certain responsibilities in regard of their jobs and curricular activities...but Haise had not spend in vain the entire week kissing asses left and right in order to give the kids a free day.

But it had been way more difficult for him to obtain the permission himself for attending the event, for he had to fawn over his supervisor, Matsuri...and this meant dinner.

Alone.

With his boss.

That very evening.

"Everything for Mutsuki's big day", ha had to remember himself a couple of times while waiting for the kid to show himself at the Bay.

The lot of them were, in fact, gazing in the distance, behind the sign that indicated the finishing point of the race, looking out for any of the athletes' figures underneath the trees skirting the river.

Shirazu had prepared sandwiches and snacks for lunch, wile Saiko was ready to boast about the secret craft-project she had spent an entire week on.

Urie, on the other hand, appeared to be too nervous to do anything but staring at the ending part of the track, leaned heavily on the roadblocks while biting his lips harder than ever.

No one paid very attention to him...until he called for them with an incredulous tone.

And then, they saw.

Mutsuki was running faster than anyone, outdoing the other competitors by a long shot.

Noticing how fast he was coming their way, Saiko began to unravel her hand-stitched flag and Shirazu prepared a towel and a bottle of water for Mutsuki to take.

And Saiko had barely the time to welcome him with her banner (which quoted, appropriately, "Tooru Mutsuki you're the man <3") that the boy launched himself over the finish point in an explosion of cheers and confetti.

But then, while poor and breathless Mutsuki was wrapped tightly in his celebratory flag, Urie got a hold of the boy, grabbing the barren with both hands on either side of the boy's head, and kissed him in front of everyone.

After a short while he quickly let go of Mutsuki, leaving him in a pile of muddle and dreams, and then proceeded to make his way through the astonished crowd not giving a damn about anyone's reaction to that show of affection.

His only explanation to Haise while passing over him on his way was a small shrug and a fast reply on his lips, spatted out like an insult.

«I promised him a prize if he had won.»

"Youngsters, these days..."

*

«But why, Maman?»

«I've already told you, Saiko. I had to, in order to have the day free.»

«Yeah...but why did you have to? Don't you have any pride for yourself?»

«Sassan, maybe she's right. Haven't you asked permission months ago or whatever?»

«I have indeed, but he delayed 'till the last minute before accepting my request.»

«I'm sure you can always make up some excuse and...»

«Shirazu, I've given my word...and he's my boss, I cannot simply ditch him like that.»

«Sure you can!», they both insisted, seated comfortably on his bed while he stressed over his tie in front of the mirror.

Observing intently his reflection while the two kids were planning a way to save their mentor, Haise made a face at his black roots wishing he had time to go to the hairdresser to fix that nest of a hair.

But, then again, perhaps his untidiness was exactly what would have protected him from Matsuri's hands.

Even if the man was only four years his senior and was somewhat dignified and collected, Haise had always been able to sense his gaze from a long distance, for his supervisor had rarely overlooked his employee's presence at any given occasion.

And, sometimes, Haise had even thought about the possibility of letting the man woo him properly...even more often he cared to admit, given Matsuri's appearance and interest in european culture.

Besides, the fact that he was then CCGS's Tokyo branch president's nephew was certainly not something to dismiss so easily.

But the young man wasn't going to deal with Human Resources or his colleagues' prejudice on the matter.

Furthermore, his wife was the loveliest woman on earth and Haise didn't want to force her into a difficult position because of Matsuri's obsession with him.

That dinner, however, was for him mandatory and he had to show some gratitude and effort in being compliant and pleasant to his boss.

After all, he needed to ask for a raise, in order to make things better for the kids.

That was why he had chosen one of his best formal attires for the evening, even if it was too tight on the small of his back to be one of his favorites.

But he knew Matsuri would have at least appreciated his choice in vests and slacks...if not in his physical appearance.

Haise only hope was for his boss to be, at the very least, displeased by his hair and dark circles under his eyes.

When he finally focused his attention on the kids reflected in the mirror, the young man tried his best to not show how nervous he was.

He made a show of spinning around on his heels, buttoning his gray vest with a smile on his face.

«So...how do I look?», he asked, forcing himself to not be overwhelmed by his feelings in front of the kids.

Saiko observed him with sad eyes, fidgeting on the bed while shaking her head in disdain,

«I don't have experience in the subject...but certainly you don't look that desperate for a shag like you pretend to be. You deserve better than that, Maman.»

Clearly, Haise was not a prude, nor he ever hid his sexuality to his pupils, but he had to recognize Saiko's words to be true in an uncomfortable way.

He smiled sadly at the thought.

«I might not be "in need of a shag" with Matsuri, that's for sure...but he have to believe otherwise. At least for tonight.»

«Sassan, I know I've seen the guy only a couple of times...but I don't see someone like him to be above some dirty tricks.»

«Shirazu, you make it sound like I'm going to be kidnapped or something.»

«...well, at least you told us who's going to be your date for the night. So we can always call the police in case something happens.»

Haise was going to brush off the kids' worries once again when the door bell rang, making him sigh in frustration.

He got a last, longing stare at his pupils, reminding them to not disturb Urie and Mutsuki during the evening.

They had a lot to talk about, after all.

*

The ride on his boss's car had been pleasant enough, thanks to his chauffeur's experience in dealing with Tokyo crowded lanes.

The man –a tall, scary individual named Abara–, as Matsuri politely introduced him to Haise, had been recently employed as his personal driver and was going no to escort them for the night.

Trying to relax on the passenger backseat, far away from Matsuri as much as it was socially acceptable, Haise watched the two men discuss quietly about the traffic, and he found the sight somewhat comforting.

He had known Matsuri for three years, and he had always admired his habit of praising others for their abilities: not as a way to show off his employees like they were some sort of possession to flaunt about, but rather as an opportunity to make others recognize the capabilities of the various members of his staff.

Matsuri was interested in his colleagues backgrounds, and was quite the listener when some of them were expressing their point of view or were giving a piece of their mind on some issue.

To Haise, Matsuri Washuu had always appeared to be caring towards others' problems and circumstances, and perhaps that was exactly why he had been assigned to guide the legal head office of the CCGS.

For, as much of a shark he was in regard of administrative law matters, he was considerate towards those who needed legal advise and were asking their government agency to defend their cause as Plaintiffs.

That, perhaps, was also why Haise had considered more often than not to let the man pursue him, as Matsuri clearly desired.

But the young man had always been dreadful of his supervisor's habit of getting everything he wanted.

Because, while being the most collected person Haise had ever known, Matsuri had never been a patient or unambitious man.

If he ached for something (or someone), the man was meant to obtain it...and Haise was frightened by such display of power.

The fact that he was also intrigued by it was only a burden for him, for he was ashamed of his twisted of a mind.

 _Liar...you love me_ , the voice laughed amiably, lurking in his groin like some fatal disease,  
_You need me, Haise._

«Is everything all right, Sasaki?», Matsuri's deep voice echoed in his ears, pulling him forcibly away from his chain of thoughts.

Haise focused his attention on his supervisor's face, noticing how he had spaced out from their conversation during the ride to the restaurant, in front of which they had probably been parked for minutes at least.

Smiling dismissively to his boss, the young man followed him outside the car after thanking their driver, Abara.

Who looked at him with concern from the rear-view mirror over the steering wheel.

*

«The old man is now too tired to keep his position and, in a matter of nine months at best, my father is going to get on top of the food chain.», Matsuri was eagerly but quietly explaining while they were waiting for the food to arrive.

Crystal chandeliers were hanging above their heads from the tall ceiling, casting golden lights on the table with their soft and distant glow, making Haise wonder how much Matsuri had spend in order to take him there for dinner.

The food would have surely been just as much expensive and refined, giving the way other rich-looking couples were asking for seconds.

The man's taste in restaurants and foreign cuisine had always been another weak spot for the young man, but he thanked his increasingly deteriorating sense of taste for restraining him from kneeling at his boss's feet in pleasure.

Sure he loved to be pampered, but he had to force himself to be sensible with his decisions...at least in his interactions with his coworkers.

Furthermore, feeling lonely and "desperate for a shag" –as Saiko had helpfully prompted just an hour prior– were not dignified excuses nor admirable justifications for Haise to swoon over Matsuri.

 _But weren't you fantasizing about his shoulders just the other day?_ , his gutter of a mind reminded him, crackling so hard it made Haise uncomfortable.

The young man quickly shook his head in the most discrete way possible, focusing his gaze on his supervisor once again.

Fortunately, their waiter arrived soon enough for Haise to concentrate his attention on his plate, comforted by the thought that he would have been too engrossed in faking his enjoyment for the food to actually lust over a married (and dangerous) man.

Matsuri appeared to not have sensed his employee's discomfort, and proceeded to bring a small bite of his Riz Noir de Carmague (whatever that was) to his mouth.

_Just imagine him feeding you to his big leaky..._

This time Haise was indeed able to keep his thoughts on check.

Barely, but surely, he did.

«The thing is...», Matsuri began in between bites, for Haise's relief, «...that my father was asked by the headquarters to cover the role of vice president of the Berlin branch. However, he's obviously going to give the rain-check, as he will be the new head of our offices, but it would be a pity to leave such important position vacant for too long.», he hinted at, resuming his eating while looking intently at his employee.

That...stung, to say the least.

The young man took a small bite of his pasta, unable to taste anything but air on his tongue, contemplating about what his boss was telling him.

«...will I have to wish you good luck on your way to Europe, Mr Washuu?», Haise chimed, trying to understand how he felt at the idea of not have to deal with that kind of temptation anymore.

«The office will be mourning your leadership for a long time.»

«Well, thank you for showing me just how much of a liar you are.», Matsuri deadpanned, not a ounce of humor in his voice.

To which, the young man easily retorted, «As any respectable graduated law student ought to be.»

This answer seemed to please his boss greatly, for he smiled openly...even if it was only for a brief moment.

He then restored his severe expression, like some obscure and hurtful though had crossed his mind in that instant.

«Unfortunately, although being in my dear Germany and all, I will soon find myself in desperate need of a loyal assistant...»

«I'm afraid I'm not very fluent in German.», Haise joked, just for the sake of it, chuckling gently at Matsuri's expression, for the man hated to be caught off guard.

However, in response to Haise's humor, the man simply smiled and tilted his head, placing down his cutlery to devote his underling of his attention.

«If there is a thing I've always admired in you, Sasaki, that is certainly your sense of humor.», he retorted, working his way through Haise's thoughts with no small amount of sarcasm, to get revenge for having being mocked by his favorite employee, «Why on earth would I ask you to cover that kind of position and put yourself in a very uncomfortable situation...with your poor experience in politics and economics.»

This cue gave Haise the time he needed to distance himself from Matsuri's disdain with a self deprecating chuckle, showing his boss he was somewhat aware of his blunder in speaking without thinking first.

The young man was now used to Matsuri's preference in regard of his staff's manners and conduct, hence the preposterous act on humiliation in front of his supervisor.

It was easy enough to interact with him, provided that Haise kept his ego on check.

But what Matsuri said right after that customary sharada was not something Haise had been ready for.

Not in the slightest.

«I was thinking about asking Urie, instead.», the man declared after finishing his dish and calling the waiter for the main plate, «He's majoring in Diplomatic Science, after all. And his knowledge in European languages, statistics, and accounting will give him the chance he needs to achieve his goals. His grades are the best in the entire Accademy and even my father has expressed his interest in making him a junior associate at the CCGS for his outstanding capabilities. And even if he lacks the experience, he's smart and quick, and he can be a real charmer when he put his mind to it.»

The main course appeared in front of them, and Haise looked at his dish for a long time before he was able to form even a single coherent thought.

«Oh and, please, don't worry about his current relationship.», Matsuri said, answering a question Haise never voiced in the first place, «I've heard some voices today about his...little show at the charity event this morning. But even I had made my mistakes at his age...and I even married one of them, if I have to be more precise.», he added, showing once again that very same hurt and distant expression of before, quickly resuming his speech.

«But if he's going to accept this position, he will obtain the protection of the CCGS, and from then on his personal life will be his own business to care for...and the same will be for any of his partners, who will be under the Committee's wing...if Urie will consider it suitable for his significant other, of course.»

Urie.

Away.

Far, far away.

Images of Mutsuki's pain crossed his mind in a flash, alternating between those tho depicted Urie achieving from others the acknowledgment he always had wanted...and those who showed the boy alone in a foreign country.

However, the young man had to respond to Matsuri's interest and concern in his pupil's personal life...and so he did.

«To what do we owe this act of consideration?», Haise asked, trying to remember how to use the fork correctly, unable to watch anything but his plate.

«...my, Sasaki. Of course it is because I respect Urie deeply, and I look forward to see him growing in a fine businessman one day. And then...I thought to lend a hand to your household, given the hard times that are coming your way.»

With that, Haise's idea of Matsuri suddenly changed once and for all...and not for the best.

The man in front of him was beaming with pride, even if his usual scowl was still in place, even if he showed no sign of gleeful superiority at all.

But Haise was somewhat able to sense it while looking at him.

His supervisor had waited for a long time to carry out his plan.

And it was with sweet, sickening voice that he spoke his next words.

«...don't tell me no one mentioned this to you?», he said, faking innocence and concern, while –clearly– his heart had never been familiar with such concepts, «I'll absolutely abhor the idea of being the first to tell you something like that...»

The young man brought his hands on his knees, in order to keep his fingers away from the cutlery.

«In less than six months, the CCGS program for the care and rehabilitation of peculiar children is going to cease, due to some reduction in funds...you'll surely understand.», Matsuri continued, feign comprehension with nothing but a black expression on his glowing face.

Haise silently cracked his knuckles under the table, staring ahead with a seemingly peaceful expression on his face.

«Are they...», the young man tried, inhaling deeply before continuing, «...are they going to take the kids from us guardians?»

«Sasaki, they're old enough to face the real world by themselves now. They're adults and they need to find their place in society.»

«In only six months?», he retorted, barely refraining himself from shouting.

«If you're that worried for their wellbeing, I'll have to doubt your abilities as a mentor, Sasaki.», he joked, certain to be soon victorious in that power game, «But don't fret it, everything is going to be fine. There is still a chance for the program to survive the cut, if some members of the Council are going to be properly advised against such a drastic solution.»

Matsuri was one hell of a lawyer.

In a matter of seconds, he had metamorphosed from being the problem...to becoming its only solution.

That was exactly why the man had bought him to dinner...to show his power to him, to his favorite employee.

«Do you want me to convince them to consider some sort of alternative, _Haise_?»

Haise had had no doubt Matsuri was going to say those very words.

«...and the price for this generosity?», he carefully asked, felling lightheaded.

«Well, for as charming as Urie can be...he's certainly not you, my dear.»

Right then, Haise felt disgusted with himself for lusting over someone like that man.

He watched him carefully from under his bangs, loathing himself for –still– finding his supervisor attractive or even remotely desirable...

...because he was nothing but trash for threatening his kids.

"And he always will be.", he promised himself, gritting his teeth while listening to his boss.

«I've yet to propose Urie to the Council as my new assistant, you could always beat him to it and file the request for a promotion yourself. You're the best paralegal in the branch, and if only you could be so kind to take the Bar in the next few weeks it would be much appreciated. Your experience with loopholes is going to be useful in the future, and your ability in dealing with pro-bono cases will prove the CCGS to be truly admirable in front of the European press.», he explained, resuming his dinner like nothing happened.

«Sure, there is still your aforementioned issues with German language...but I'm positive you'll be able to overcome that in no time. You'll have to show me to be worth keeping, after all.»

Matsuri never wanted Haise, but a dog instead.

Someone eager to please their master by realizing unachievable goals.

Someone thankful for the opportunities their owner was willing to offer them.

...someone ready to leave their home, their job, their life –with a mandatory smile on their face– in order to keep their family safe and together.

And at that, the young man felt emptied from the inside-out.

It was true that Haise attended the courses of the Academy's law school. And it was undeniable that he outdid his examinations in only two years after his recovering from the incident, and that he had still time to take the Bar in order to become a proper lawyer, since he would have had to take it in five years from his graduation.

But he had to present a formal request for his candidacy to be accepted, and then he had to be found suitable for the position...

...but, yet again, probably Matsuri would have been able to grant him all of this, so that he could take that test.

Haise had already showed his ability during closed-door consultations, he often took his seniors' place during meetings, and he even obtained for the CCGS some pretty sweet deals in the last couple of years.

But he worked primarily as a mere consultant for the welfare-work section of the CCGS offices: his experience was with children and caretakers; he was always juggling back and forth with Human Resources to get them to research on cases no one wanted to deal with.

He was of no use for Matsuri, not as an assistant and definitely not as an associate.

 _You've always known his intentions, Haise...you should have given in a long time ago_ , the voice whispered, boiling hotly behind his eyes.

But he paid the voice no mind, too focused on searching a safe escape to that situation.

Urie could have been able to make his dream of traveling come true, if Haise refused the position Matsuri was asking him to take.

Indeed, if Vice President Washuu too had been interested in Urie for a while, no one would have opposed his promotion, for it had always been customary for the CCGS to assign important roles to the best students in the Academy.

But, then, Urie would have been a hostage in Matsuri's hands, and he would have been separated from Mutsuki.

And there was no guarantee for either of them to be under the CCGS protection if one of the Washuus were to be hostile towards them...or towards Haise in the first place.

However, if Haise were to accept Matsuri's offer, the program for peculiar children wouldn't have to be put on a hold.

His kids could have always been able to work for the CCGS and be together, and all of Haise's fellow guardians wouldn't be separated from their pupils.

Urie would have had to stay in Japan, but Mutsuki would have had the opportunity to become a mentor himself.

Saiko would have had a little more time to decide what to do with her life and the same would have been for Shirazu.

They would've been left alone, but together at that...

...if only Haise were to accept that man's offer.

If only Haise were to sell himself for his children's happiness.

And, lastly, if he were to contact Human Resources or the police...it would have been his word against Matsuri's, the head of he CCGS's nephew.

There was no way out.

 _There never had been one in the first place_ , purred his mind.

«You said you would never ask someone like me to be your assistant.», the young man reminded his supervisor with an empty voice.

Matsuri only response was a incredulous grin, shoot at his employee while bringing another bite to his mouth.

 _Silly you, Haise. Of course he didn't actually_ asked...

"...for his was nothing but an order.", he sadly though.

*

The young man found himself in Matsuri's car once again, next to his boss...who was leaning dangerously near to him.

While on the backseat, Haise's mind had stopped racing aimlessly in search of alternative solutions it his problems, having preferred to fix his eyes on the ever-moving scene on the other side of the windowsill.

Judging from the way the city lights were quickly slithering away under his gaze, the driver had been in a rush that night.

Perhaps he had sensed Haise's anger and was willing to lend him an hand by bringing him home faster then ever.

In any case, the young man was glad to been the object of such compassion.

He had asked for some time to think about his offer.

Matsuri had been kind enough to concede that, at least.

Apparently, however, this didn't give Haise any right to escape his supervisor's presence on the rear passenger seats.

His boss's demeanor had changed sensibly from his usual strict and collected appearance, having become more relaxed and physical now that he had Haise under control.

Indeed, Matsuri was looming next to him with his threatening presence, with a arm outstretched behind Haise's neck on the headboard of the leather seats.

More than once He had crooked his elbow in order to draw him near, and Haise was uncomfortably squeezed under his boss's weight.

He felt disgusting to the bottom of his bones, so much he had given up any attempt to be polite or kind.

He wanted nothing more than to kill that man right then, right there...and that desire scared him nonetheless.

He settled for crackling his knuckles instead, staring at the void in front of him.  
«...why so silent, Haise?», was Matsuri's only observation on the matter, probably enjoying his fear and hopelessness.

But the young man was not going to surrender so easily to him without fighting.

«You know why.», he spatted, gritting his teeth while imagining each crack of his knuckles to be one of Matsuri's vertebras snapping out of place.

His supervisor considered his change in mood with little to no displeasure, leaning in even more then before, whispering in Haise's left ear.

«Shouldn't you be more considerate towards your superior, my dear?»

Warm, slimy, revolting breath ghosted over the young man's neck, making him squirm quietly away like some sort of insect was going to crawl inside his ear.

«There's no need for me to take you by force. You're the one who's going to beg me to take you home.»

Haise noticed the man taking off his spectacles and he forced himself to close his eyes, waiting for what was going to come his way.

Matsuri loosened Haise's tie and unbuttoned the collar of his shirt just enough to circle his neck with one large hand, pressing tenderly on his pulse.

The young man bit the air in anger and fear, wanting nothing more than pluck his boss's eyeballs out of their sockets.

«I'm going to be so good to you, Haise...you'll come for more.»

His supervisor had not time to kiss the young man's left temple, that the car suddenly stopped and the driver announced their arrival at the Chateau.

Haise sprung up from his seat and flew out from the car before Matsuri was able to catch him.

He wanted to thank the chauffeur for his well-timed intervention, bus was too scared to meet the other man's gaze if he had dared to turn around.

He closed the door behind his shoulders and hastily took off his shoes, looking around in search for the kids.

No one appeared in sight and he spent an interminable amount of time by the entrance, trying to calm himself.

Breathing in was of no use now that he had stepped down from that insane ride that had been his adrenaline rush.

His legs felt like jelly under the sun, and panic spread steadily and ferociously in his chest while sweat began to drip down his shirt and wrists.

He crouched down on the ground utterly convinced he was going to die, for the pain had become too much for him to stand.

Rocking quietly in the corner of the hall near the door, Haise clawed at his head, twisting damp strands of hair between his trembling fingers in a pathetic attempt to soothe himself.

The memory of Akira's gentle hands on his head were not enough this time to ground himself, and he desperately needed someone to help him calm down...

...but when he was finally able to fish his cellphone out from his pocket, he forced himself to not call his friend.

The upcoming day, the Mados were going to file yet another request to the foster home to take the girls with them.

Amon had been so excited just a couple of days before, just like Takizawa, who had been optimistic about the all ordeal, and Akira had already called Haise to inform him of their recent progress in the matter.

He wasn't going to disturb them right the night before such an important event.

However, even if the panic attack was slowly receding from munching away bits of his heart, the young man found his peace at last just by looking at Akira's profile picture, where she was smiling brightly at Haise himself while ruffling his hair after he graduated from law school.

It has been three years and she still refused to change it, saying she had never felt more proud of her kid.

Like Urie to his mentor, Haise had always been Akira's first son...and she still believed it to that day.

This helped the young man to relax a tiny bit when he thought there was nothing to anchor to, getting him to raise from the floor on shaky legs.

He made his way to the "grownups-only zone", as he liked to call the cocktail-cabinet in the far corner of the Chateau living room, finding himself in need of a drink.

But when he tried to open the small wooden door of the piece of furniture, he discovered his hand were still shaking too much for him to be silent.

He tried to calm down once again, looking aimlessly around in order to focus his attention on something else, in search for a distraction from his condition.

He welcomed with a snarl the sight of the tall ceiling in the living room, the ever sparkling windows, and the garden behind the glass...asking himself where else the government wanted his kids to live if not there.

Where were they supposed to feel safe if not there, where Haise had made sure they would be happy?

What would they be asked to do in order to see each other outside of the working hours?

And how could he ever leave them alone, with no guide whatsoever, in a cruel world like theirs?

Everything in that house was forcing him to think about what append that night, and his head was spinning like crazy, making him step back and turn around...until he saw two figures on the sofa, cuddled together, sleeping heavily.

Urie and Mutsuki had probably talked until late that evening, giving up at last after exhaustion got the better of them.

And Haise _knew_ , the moment he noticed how Urie had wrapped up Mutsuki in a blanket in order to embrace him even with his physical contact issues...

And Haise _knew_ , the instant his eyes followed down the younger boy's arm until his hand intertwined with a gloved one...

And Haise _knew_ , when he took in the view of their tired and warm faces while they were dreaming softly of their future...

...Haise _knew_ , he could not take his pills that night.

For he would have had to remember Matsuri's offer in order to accept it.

While he still watched carefully the kids, wondering how they managed to keep on sleeping while he nearly had a mental breakdown in the hall, he opened his contacts list on the phone once again, searching for the familiar profile picture of a smiling clown.

*To SOUTA from YAMI: _Tell me there's something tomorrow night._

Haise kept his eyes on his pupils while he waited for a response.

*SOUTA is typing...  
*From SOUTA to YAMI: _HS, 1._  
*To SOUTA from YAMI: _Much appreciated._

Haise gave a last, longing look at his beloved kids before lowering his gaze to Furuta's text.

*From SOUTA to YAMI: _Welcome back bitch._

_*_

_Helter Skelter_ 's entrance at one a.m. was bland as always, with no sign or other descriptive mark to announce its existence to the world.

Itori sure had a way to keep her guests intrigued, by only if she was the one to invite them in the first place.

Other bars near HS had a similar policy, not at all eager at the idea of drawing the attention of the CCGS's police department by lining up a bunch of weirdos in front of their doors.

However, managers like Itori or Nico were more than prone to open their clubs to a selected and wasteful clientele.

It was indeed believed that the Clowns had been organizing their not-strictly-illegal-parties since the beginning of the Dove's patrols, way before these had founded the CCGS.

It was also subject of cunning speculations that the Clowns were picking their spendthrifts of costumers through some sort of hacking activities.

But, as often Furuta had reassured him, those were nothing but vile conjectures.

Yet again, it had always been in Haise's interest not giving the man the benefit of the doubt.

However...there he was, waiting for that diva's arrival, leaning by the windows in front of _Helter_ _Skelter_ 's door, asking himself how had he come to that.

Messing with a criminal organization such as the Clowns' one would have costed him his job, that was for sure.

But what confused him the most was the way he had began attending those raves in the first place...thanks to Furuta and his sorry ass.

"How did it come to this from a harmless shag in the courthouse's toilets two years ago?", he sadly considered, shaking his head with his eyes closed.

But when he opened them once again, a daunting and sickening smile appeared in front of him...startling Haise so badly he was sure he had shitted his pants for good.

However, being used by Furuta's creepy sense of humor, the young man showed no sign of his alarm, addressing nothing but disdain at his acquaintance's direction.

For, while he hadn't heard the other man's arrival, he wasn't going to admit it in front of him.

«...you actually took your shoes off in order to make your sudden appearance.», he shoot back, raising a single eyebrow in response to Furuta's scoff.

The slimy bastard tilted his head in contemplation, widening his smile until two perfect rows of sharp teeth were revealed by the streetlights outside the corridor where they had arranged their meeting.

He then proceeded to wave his boots in front of Haise's nose to show him just how committed he was in order to scare him shitless.

He made a point in showing how careful he was in wearing his shoes back before addressing an accusing finger towards his friend.

«Come one, sissy. Do you need me to change your panties right now?», he joked, leaning by the window behind Haise, wandering his hand dangerously close to the young man's groin.

«It depends on your mood, princess.», Haise quickly retorted, not lowering his gaze from Furuta's eyes. «How do you feel today?»

For the record, concern was not what brought him to ask that question.

It never had been, as a matter of fact.

«I'm full to the brim, and ready to burst you open.», he whispered hotly into Haise's ear, grinding their hips together.

«You're not going to last...just like the other time.», the young man teased, stroking Furuta's lower back in rhythm with the other man's slow thrusts.

«...it's four hours straight enough to your taste?»

«I'll have to dig you from the E.R. after your stroke.»

«You'll be too weak for that.», Furuta chuckled softly, taking Haise's right hand and shoving it in his pants.

Haise indulged him for a while, pumping Furuta's steroids-induced erection with a smile on his face, watching the other man's wretched face from below.

«You do like it when I work you up...am I right?», he purred, taking in the sight of Furuta's bloodshot eyes and unfocused gaze.

«I much prefer to be your slut...but not tonight.», the other man panted, intoxicated by whatever he had taken to prep himself.

«Too full to function?», Haise chimed, tilting his head and kissing the other man's neck, making him shiver.

«Sure your dick is bomb...but your pussy will do nicely enough for now.», Furuta stammered, already building up under Haise's touch...

...or at least he was, until that very same young man began to laugh hiss ass off when he shoved his companion away from him.

«What the fuck, man?!», was Furuta's only coherent sentence, coming down from the high Haise deprived him of.

«You're no fun...no fun at all...», Haise tried to say, too engrossed in his fit of laughter to actually care for his friend's shocked expression.

«...fucking sociopath.», were Furuta's last words before he opened the door with his personal keys to Itori's club.

The bar was dimly lit while silent stools and empty tables welcomed them into the hall.

Glasses and bottles watched their arrival with cold glows and reflection, like some predator's eyes focusing on their oblivious pray.

The two men proceeded to reach the back of the club, to a small door hidden by a dusty curtain, behind which stood their rabbit hole.

«Come one, salty...», Haise tried again, following the other man down the stairs that led to the underground elevator.

«If you wanted to top you should have said it from the start.»

«...oh my, I lead the poor virgin girl on.», he mocked, unable to cease his amusement.

«I'll have to find you in a dumpster one of these days...chopped off nice and pretty in a plastic bag.»

«We know full well you'll be dead by then...too many blue pills for your own good.»

«...would you bet?», the other man threatened him, smiling dangerously in the dark.

And with that Furuta's touchiness was forgotten, for the elevator was waiting for them...

...opening its shining doors to reveal a young and petite woman with a mask covering her face and red gloves on her hands.

«Welcome to _HS_ , my friends.», she said with a bow, her voice full of promises and mischiefs.

*

«Roma...tell me you're joking.»

«I know, it's utter crap...but Itori found it nostalgic.»

«Nostalgic my ass. I'll have to small some sense into that bitch's head...»

«Good luck finding her then, she's busy with some important guests.»

«And why is that I was not informed about this matter?»

«Please, you're still a small fry compared to her...or even me, to be honest.»

«... I sure hope you haven't completely gone insane like her, though. Fucking masks, out of anything!»

«But isn't your trademark a mask, Souta?»

«That doesn't mean I go around wearing one at any given occasion.», Furuta retorted, leaning on one of the walls of the elevator hoist leading them to the club, bitching about how no one of his so-called friends had told him anything about the dressing code for the night.

«Typical Itori...that bitch is gonna pay.»

«Leave the dumbass alone, she's trying a little too hard, that's all.»

«Is there any sane reason for organizing a masquerade, out off all things?», asked the ever so displeased man, taking his red gloves out of a pocket before tossing the right one at Haise over Roma's shoulder...as they were used to do.

The girl shrugged with a carefree smile, rustling in her bag in search for something, «There are some big-shots tonight...and my boss didn't want to endanger other patrons by letting them shove their naked faces in front of some scary people.», she explained, opening a couple of air-thigh containers in her hands and dipping a couple of fingers in some sluggish colored liquid.

Before Furuta could ask her about these mysterious criminals, the girl had already smeared some red paint on the man's face, drawing a clownish smile on his lips jus by clasping them in between her fingers, shutting him up for good.

Without slowing down in her work, she extended her bag to Haise, telling him to search for something to cover his face with.

Most of Furuta's grumbles and Roma's giggles were muffled by the growling noise of the elevator winch echoing through the shaft, letting Haise consider the contents of the girl's capacious bag in peace.

In the end, he was drawn to a black leather mask with exposed (seemingly human, but definitely fake) teeth and gums, and a removable eyepatch on the right side.

He took off that last unnecessary gimmick and put it in his pocket before zipping in the mask on his nape, marveling at the soft texture of the garment and the way it kept in place his black wig.

When Roma had had enough of fussing over Furuta (having been probably scared to death by the man's threats), both of them paled in front of Haise.

«God only knows how creepy you are, Yami.»

«...my, thanks Roma.», he responded, smiling and half-closing his eyes, sending a shiver through the girl's spine in the process.

«Please...don't do it again.»

«You're going to scare everyone off, you know?», was Furuta's stern judgment on the matter, slicking back his chin-length hair with his fingers in order to examine Roma's artwork on the reflecting surface of the elevator doors.

«...Roma, you made me look like the joker.»

«It suits you, though.», was the girl's only response, not facing Furuta at all while opening a small silver case in front of Haise. «Pills, powder, tab, or spliff?»

The young man considered her offer for a moment, choosing the jay in the end, not sure if he wanted to commit to the wonders of drugs for the night.

«Yami, are we ever going to see you in your true form?», asked Roma, uncharacteristically interested for her usual absent-minded self, before she handed the silver case to Furuta to select his preference from.

The man opted for a pouch of powder under Haise's disapproving gaze.

«It depends, Roma. Are you gonna tell me what you do for a living?», he shrugged, zipping down his mask's mouth to let his voice be heard more clearly.

«You don't wanna know, kid.», she laughed, reminding him she was his senior by at least two whole years.

«Then, it's all settled.», Haise shoot back with a smile, pulling down his red gloves to tighten their fit on his fingers.

«Sure you have some strange friends, Souta.», the woman sighed in frustration, not at all startled by the loud jolt of the elevator at the end of his track.

Ready for a night of foul plays and conquests, Furuta took a sniff from his white-smeared gloved hand before saying: «...oh Roma, you have no idea.»

"You have not the slightest one indeed.", Yami thought to themselves, letting their eyes wander on the dancing crowd in anticipation.

*

Gamblers, prostitutes, addicts, some rich folks in search of thrilling experiences, and more socialites than it was desirable to admit.

The Clowns accepted only people they considered worth squeezing dry of their money, a part from various exceptions, such as corrupted politicians, subcontractors in need of a place where get some laundering done for their debt-collectors and so on.

Sure thing, good poor Haise should have not been in such a place, a huge neglected underground lane of the Tokyo tube, full of scary people.

But the thing was...that there was no Haise in sight that night.

Only Yami was left behind.

And they had all the intentions to enjoy themselves.

Impersonating Yami –after all– was no different than acting like a condescending bastard, but somewhat required not a small amount of practice.

They were not the type to feel the vibe with some silly dancing, nor did they enjoy being looked at by strangers as Sasako was used to...but they weren't above the occasional trip to the too-crowded restrooms for a quickie.

However, they much preferred to leave his parties with some good looking people, for they certainly weren't picky on the matter of gender.

Usually they messed around with Furuta when the aforementioned dickhead was feeling gracious enough to not fill himself up with some fucking steroid.

But there were nights, like that one, when Yami's favorite princess gave them the brush-off, leaving them to mind their business while he tried to zip down someone else's pants.

Music was bursting so hard from the speakers, it made the entire underground rattle louder than the trains' passage in the nearby subway lanes.

Yami kept walking slowly through the dancing crowd, looking aimlessly around in search of someone who could catch their attention, not minding that much how wandering hands slithered on their body while proceeding with sure steps.

And it never had been a problem for them, giving how often their appearance had been the object of interest for many in the past.

With their pale complexion, jet black hair, and androgynous traits Yami had always been able to get others to follow them around even after a single look at their face.

But they weren't striving for attention as much as Sasako was used to, not did they run away from all of those stares of intrigued admiration.

No...Yami simply ached for causing irrational envy or jealousy in those who followed them through the crowd with glazing eyes, and they basked in the stroboscopic lights feeling like a young god surrounded by pitiful humans.

It had always been easy for Yami to feel so powerful in between strangers...but usually their drive was bound to face an halt whenever someone was able to get their absolute attention...for they would have to impose their superiority over whom had been worth of their interest.

And that was one of those nights.

The moment they saw her, Yami knew it would have to be her and no one else.

Dancing at one of the poles nearby the console, she seemed to fly up above everyone else in the crowded hall, flexing her powerful limbs in impossible poses.

Spiraling down the pole, finally she came back to earth, stealing Yami's breath with a fleeting glance in his direction. Her hair was the first thing they had noticed of her from afar: silver in the distance, blinking in and out of existence while she was swirling around the shaft surrounded by shadows and darkness alone.

And they had been drawn to her like a hunting wolf aiming to the white rabbit into the woods.

And Yami had had no idea why her hair had seemed so soft and intriguing, but they never regretted following her into the depths of that hell of a club.

But when they had found themselves under her position, admiring her lean and strong legs sustaining her weight while performing her ending figure, the music suddenly changed and the girl's pole was obscured completely, before being lit again to reveal another dancer where once stood Yami's one.

They searched for her, looking around in the backstage in order to find her.

He caught a glimpse of her whitish hair before she could enter a reserved-access-area.

Yami followed her through the small door, nearly knocking down someone who was trying to exit the room.

The man who stopped Yami in his quest was wearing an all-white outfit and was sporting under eyes bags and sharp teeth: looking –all in all– quite the strange type, with his slicked back blond hair and his bulking eyes.

Before he could protest to their entrance in the reserved hall, Yami raised their right hand, showing a red leather glove to the mask-less man's face.

If Furuta had ever been good to Yami for a reason, that surely had to be for his position in the Clowns' society.

Who would have thought that being a soon-permanently-impotent actor in the porn industry could have granted that bastard the criminal guild's favor?

And the man in the white suit had nothing else to do a part from leaving Yami's to their business with a fidgeting and annoyed look on his face.

But only after having resumed their search Yami had been able to think about what they had just done...bossing one of the mask-less gangster whom Roma had been warned them about.

They proceeded down a small corridor, hoping the strange man was only some small fish, before they opened yet another door...

...and found themselves in front of a patch of the underground railway.

Only tracks running down a deep gap separated them from the girl, all bundled up in a huge parka with her legs in full sight, smoking by the opposite walkway, near a fire exit door. She glanced briefly at him before shouting a sharp and ringing warning.

«I'm done for the night. No more clients.», was her admonition, barked at that masked stranger who had just appeared under the blue exit sign in front of her.

Her face was the second most beautiful thing they had ever seen, even if it was partly hidden by her bangs on the right side...

...even if they couldn't remember what had been the first most beautiful thing they ever admired in the first place.

She tensed under Yami's insistent stare, tossing the cigarette down the gap while rummaging with the other hand in one of her pockets.

«Don't you dare try something strange.», she deadpanned, raising a taser gun up in defense. «Or you'll mourn your balls in a matter of seconds.»

Her face was shining under the blue exit sign, while a static and dangerous humming echoed from her weapon through the empty underground railway.

Yami took their time watching the young woman in front of them, pondering cautiously her aggressive behavior while raising their hands in compliance, «I'm not interested in hurting you.», they retorted in a sigh, keeping their distance from the lithe woman, «I can't fucking stand people right now...I needed a way out. I saw you coming this way and I took my chances.»

«As if I'm going to believe you.», she scoffed, spreading her legs to stabilize her posture in case she needed to attack.

«You were the one who led me out...so you tell me if I was wrong in trusting your judgement.», Yami told her in frustration, shaking the small lighter in their hand to show her their need for a simple drag. «Let me smoke in peace and I'll leave you to yourself, okay?»

The woman seemed to calculate any possible outcome of the situation she had found herself in, but then nodded in Yami's direction and kept her distance by the opposite wall. Yami shoved his mask quickly down their chin and took the jay between snarling lips, already fed up with the woman's attitude.

They were used to other people to owe them awe, after all, not certainly distrust or revulsion.

After the first, disappointing puff of that junk Roma had insisted on giving them, Yami was going to bark at the girl to stop looking at them...

...when they snapped their face up and saw her staring back with a sorrowful expression.

And they should have been intrigued by that strangely fond expression, totally out of line for the situation.

Frankly, they didn't give a shit.

«You want something?», they asked in a growling tone, resuming their smoking without waiting form an answer.

The distant noise of a train railing down some other underground tunnel made its way to their location, catching Yami's attention but leaving the girl not daunted at all, for she was too engrossed in what laid before her eyes.

«Enjoying your fag?», she suddenly asked, somewhat resented for whatever reason.

Yami was tempted for a moment to make some joke about the spliff or Furuta, depending on the implied context.

But that would have been to Haise-like.

«Not tonight I'm afraid.», they opted for in the end, finding the answer actually pretty fitting for both the issues.

«Can I indulge you instead?», she humored, choosing her words carefully before lowering her stare seductively.

Not that Yami minded, for they had been the one to follow her in the first place, but her offer sounded quite the scam...especially after the threats she addressed to them just few minutes prior.

They took yet another drag before raising the jay to the woman's direction.  
She crossed the distance between them easily enough, jumping down and up again the gap edges like she had always lived among tunnels and scorching rails.

Her appearance wary, her moves smooth but guarded...Yami watched her closely, waiting for her to hit or mug them, until she took the cigarette to her lips.

The woman was looking at them like she wanted to dare him to run away, not lowering her gaze for a single moment.

Ready to pin her to the wall in case she misbehaved, Yami hooked a finger in one of her parka's eyelets, pulling her close to them while she was still dragging her fist puff.

They took the spliff from her hand and kissed her deeply, tasting trash and coffee on that sweet tongue.

The woman leaned into their embrace, parting from Yami just enough to let the smoke escape their mouths before initiating another kiss.

Unmoving and unfazed, Yami took her by her lower back and lifted her up, actually pinning her to the wall as they had intended just seconds before.

She grabbed the mask at their collarbone for balance, depending the kiss while trapping Yami's hips between her thighs, marveling at the irresistible friction sparking through their bodies.

Sustaining her weight on one knee, Yami took hastily off their right glove in order to roam their bare hand on the girl's abdomen.

They embraced her under her parka, circling her waist with their left elbow while still holding the red glove in his hand, and then lowered their right hand down one of her thighs, making her shiver in anticipation.

«Aren't you off-duty?», he mocked, parting briefly from her lips to ravish that tender neck.

«...why, you want some?»

«How much will it be, I wonder?»

«I might be free...this very moment...»

«Eager, aren't we? And a bit reckless at that, am I right?»

«Why...are you going to kill me?», she asked in between pants, gnawing at her partner's shoulders with slender fingers and hungry hands.

«You seemed scared enough just moments ago...»

«Should I be...right now?», she purred, trying to press their head to her collarbone by grabbing at their hair.

Yami silenced her for good by caressing her slit from under her left thigh, keeping their fingers barely on top of her panties.

For good measure, they then proceeded to lift her hips by pulling the thong string in between her butt cheeks, drawing an high-pitched moan from her pretty lips. And Yami watched her rolling up her eyes in pleasure, felling how wet she was with their own pulsing erection through their now uncomfortable jeans.

«Sure thing...since I'm going to eat you up.», they snarled, kissing her before she could be a smart-ass about it.

*

Making out in one of the service elevators probably used by the Clowns' underground staff, the two had made their way in a storage room of yet another seemingly abandoned bar of downtown Tokyo.

Yami would had been satisfied even in finishing their dirty business in a passing club such as that, but the woman had insisted otherwise, reassuring him her place was just around the corner.

And Yami sure was intrigued, to say the least.

Waiting for her to show her true form.

On the road, streetlights showered them with their cold and golden hues, showing them the way to the woman's apartment, nestled between the old buildings of some public housing unit, seemingly neglected and empty.

Silent courtyards and even quieter apartment complexes, where poor locals had been left to fend for themselves by Tokyo's humdrum routine.

The woman led the way up the service stairwell of a gray and crumbling condo, waiting for her guest to reach for her hand when she stopped in front of a small door with a crooked "33" on top of the peep-hole.

That particular action was enough to put Yami off, for it appeared too tender of her to ask to hold their hands together...especially after planning on thanking them there.

However, right after she had closed the door behind her when they entered the small apartment, Yami wasted no time in grabbing her neck and shoved her head against the sturdy wood.

They pressed and pressed until she began to pant under their hold, barely able to breathe while been pinned to the wall.

«...so tell me, were you going to kill me in your very home?», they asked, lowering their head in order to get her to watch attentively.

«Weren't you gonna do the same?», she retorted in between coughs, adapting to the situation quickly enough.

Her eyes, however, were nothing but a wasteland of sadness and fear.

Yami, quite captivated by her fierce attitude, took pity on her, lowering their hand so she would have been able to talk...

...but she took advantage of that brief moment to jump her attacker, launching herself on top of them with everything she had.

«Why bothering with your offer then?», was all Yami could ask before the woman landed one hell of a punch up their jaw, making them spit in her direction.

Both of them kept punching and kicking, trashing furniture and books and whatever else all around the place, not willing to give up so easily.

And she defended herself with such audacity and brutality to impress Yami above any possible expectation.

A smile so wide was just creeping up their lips after she had smacked their head to the ground for the second time...when quiet tears began falling down her cheeks while she was straddling him from above.

And all Yami's euphoria began to vanish at the sight of the woman's bloodshot eyes, and the way she was biting her bottom lip led her guest to believe she had no idea how to stop.

How to stop from twisting the collar of Yami's black shit in her trembling fingers.

How to stop from shacking so hard on top of that stranger she had just punched repeatedly.

How to stop from crying so desperately in front of someone who had no right to see her like that.

«...you're not them.», she said after a while, with empty voice and empty tears. «You're not Kaneki.»

*

Haise never knew why hearing that name pulled him out of Yami's character so fast that night, but he would have remembered for a long time how confused and distant he had felt after seeing the girl cry on top of him.

He felt her delicate hands on his shoulders, stripping him of his jacket while straddling his hips.

Torn between wanting for her to continue and being repulsed by his own actions towards her, Haise pried her fingers from his shirt in order to stop her from unbuttoning his collar.

But when she shoved off the parka from her shoulder instead, the young man knew it would have been difficult for him to make her reason and focus properly.

«Stop.», he insisted, grabbing her coat and putting it back in place on her shoulders.

However, she used that occasion to get a hold of his belt buckle, trying to grind her way up into his pants.

His face stung from the blows she had gave him, his shoulder blades were stiff from the way she had pressed him onto the bare floor, and a prodding headache was threatening to make him smack his forehead on the nearest wall...but, for some reason, looking at that girl's desperation was too much for Haise.

To much for sure.

«You shouldn't do this...you're hurting.», he tried again, taking her hands in his before she could shove his jeans down his thighs.

She refused to rise her head, and yet she didn't protest when he scooted closer to get her to lean on his shoulder.

Her voice was so flat and empty that the young man got scared for a brief moment when he understood what was happening.

It was the first time he was able to sense someone else dissociating in front of him.

And this made his back shiver all the way up his spine.

However, she didn't notice.

«It's been eight years now...I don't care.», she had just said, letting her voice ring loud and clear in Haise's ears while he tried to anchor himself to her in order to not disappear.

Felling someone else detaching themselves from reality was something he had never experienced, and the gory image of a person removing their face from the head suddenly flashed into his mind.

He listened to her quiet sniffles, and he tried with all his might to focus on the present, on his existence right in that very moment...otherwise, he would have fled from sanity once again.

Otherwise, he would have been left at the mercy of Evil for good.

«You do care...that's why you're crying all over me.», he finally said after taking a breath, forcing himself into Yami's perspective for the second time that night, straightening his back and shoulders while schooling his expression into a cold and displeased mask.

«...did you enjoy hitting me like that, didn't you?», he concluded with his harsh voice, determined to slap some sense into the girl's head without actually hitting her.

She scoffed, raising her chin as an act of defiance, «You enjoyed it just as much.»

«You wanted to tear me apart...», he reminded her, trying hard to not pat her head, keeping his empathy under control.

«And you're fucked up just like me!», she retorted, hitting his back with powerful fists while attempting to tear his shirt off from his shoulder once again.

«...because you saw in me someone you cared for.», was all it took from Yami's part to get her to calm down a bit.

She pressed her mouth to his collarbone, apparently unwilling to even let her chin tremble under her sorrow's pressure.

Yami felt uncharacteristically tender towards the girl, letting her sob on his shirt without touching her in any way.

Haise's influence was still alive and kicking in them, soothing their angry nerves at the point where even the headache seemed to fade into the distance...but not enough to convince them to give up their plans for the night.

They heaved a sigh of disdain, frustrated with themselves for having let their erection subside as well.

«...did they leave you?», they asked without real interest, trying to remember how many condoms they had brought with them that night.

The girl whimpered a little more, rubbing her forehead on their shoulder like she wanted to hit something that very moment.

«No.», she whispered, inhaling deeply and longingly, «They simply died on me.»

Even more surprisingly than before, Yami experienced concern instead of arousal while felling her fussing once again with their belt, for that action appeared to be driven by some kind of fearing desperation instead of the more comforting sexual need.

It was, for a lack of a better word, unsettling.

It was like having to do with a dubious drunkard who didn't know what to do with their life anymore.

Not particularly sexy, in Yami's opinion...nor uplifting or intriguing.

«Please...», she said once, too proud to ask permission a second time, still lowering her head in embarrassment and humiliation.

«No.», was Yami's only response, while they were asking themselves why in the world they had crossed ways with such a person.

They should have joined Furuta to achieve what they needed, even if it would have meant waking up the next day surrounded by (at least) five or six strangers in someone's penthouse or forgotten basement.

How were they supposed to get off some steam if they weren't going to dominate the fuck out of someone? It was not like Yami would ever going to cuddle someone to comfort them or something...

And yet, all their thoughts ceased the moment they glanced down to the girl's pleading eyes.

And even if she wasn't in her right mind, even if they were not one for vanilla or anything remotely gentle...Yami could not force themselves onto her the way they had planned to do in the first place.

She needed someone to lean on, someone to care for her, someone who treated her nicely enough for once.

And even if Yami wasn't that kind of person, they were willing to try...strangely enough.

They kissed her gently but passionately, waiting for their to melt into their embrace before parting briefly to whisper in her ear.

«I'm not doing anything...not if you're like this.»

They let her regain some sort of composure, encircling her shoulders with careful hands.

Once they deemed her calm enough to resume their business, Yami kissed her temple somewhat embarrassed and uncomfortable with their gestures.

«What do I call you?», they asked, thinking that maybe she would have appreciated to be called with her name instead of some offensive slurs.

She considered their question for a moment, before revealing herself as: «...Touka.»

Her kisses became more heated by the minute, her touch bolder then before but no quite as rough.

«...what's your name?», she asked them with a trembling voice, marveling at the sensation of Yami's hands on her body.

They cursed Haise one last time for his lingering influence (for Yami would have never believed to be such a sap), before answering Touka's question.

«You tell me.», he said...flickering into existence once again, determined to make the girl underneath him feel good no matter what.

As sex was the only acceptable form of detachment from reality Haise was willing to experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you for reading until this point. I am still trying to feel the characters in the right way, but I wanted to experiment with them nonetheless. As always, remember that Haise is not a reliable narrator and that some of his beliefs and his reasoning are not supposed to be clear in regards everything. Depression, but even beliefs alone are able to twist our own comprehension of reality, after all.  
> Sex could be a form of self-harm, being overly defensive is often considered a coping mechanism, and depression is not always associated with being sad or unproductive or laziness.
> 
> I'm deeply sorry for what I did...please let me know if I messed up in any way.
> 
> [my blog](http://you-are-not-a-drone.tumblr.com)


	3. Crack my skull open, for it hides flowers and centipedes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, just a couple of things.
> 
> As always, I had this chapter already prepared...but I'm currently struggling with the next one so...probably next week there will be no update. Maybe in two weeks I will be able to bring you something from my writer's block.  
> I hope.  
> Like, really.
> 
> Trigger warnings, as usual:  
> -mentions of drug abuse/of domestic violence/of kidnapping/of allucinations/of psychological manipulation/of manic episodes/of depressive episodes;  
> -mentions of past trauma/of gender dysphoria/of internalized transphobia/of internalized homophobia;  
> I will add more if something pops up in my mind...it's pretty difficult for me to concentrate at the moment.
> 
> I should probably mention various levels of OOCness...like, I don't even know anymore.  
> And, while writing this I had been exposed to way too many Halsey's songs ("Colors" in particular) even if it's not exactly my usual kind of music.
> 
> Last thing: I am a perfectionist, unfortunately. So I'm currently beating myself up because of various things I feel I'm messing up with this fic. I will edit my chapters if I find something strange. I'm sorry for that.
> 
> P.s: points for anyone who can spot a particular and obscure reference from a well known (I guess?) radio show.

_Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,_  
_Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;_

 

Sunday morning arrived before either of them could understand what had happened that night.

Haise felt soft sheets under his skin and a warm, tender body in his embrace...and, whoever it was, they smelled of coffee and rust.

He refused for a long, aching moment to open his eyes, for it had been a while since he had time to enjoy something like that.

But, eventually, he had to face reality and welcome the cold light coming through the Venetian blinds...but when he did, light-blue dyed hair caught him off guard, forcing him to lower his gaze to meet the girl underneath.

And then, piercing blue eyes framed by smudged makeup revealed themselves like gems in the dirt, mirroring Haise's discomfort and curiosity while the lovers considered each other for a couple of seconds.

The young man tuned his head in confusion, looking around to focus his gaze on the greenish and scraped off walls of the apartment.

The mattress where they had landed the night before was tossed over the floor near a partition curtain not different from those used in the hospitals to separates beds...and, indeed, Haise was able to see another mattress on the other side of the piece of cloth, abandoned on the floor just like the first one.

All around them, books were aligned under the windows and on top of the few shelves, while two metal racks were holding neatly hanged clothes and a few hats.

Haise lowered his head once again to find the young woman staring back at him.

She sighed before distancing herself from him with a sad smile on her face.

«...and here I thought it was a dream.», she chuckled softly, looking at him with a scowl. «And yet here you are...without your mask.»

Only then Haise realized his black wig was missing, but he found it easily enough just by sticking out his heat at the mattress feet.

The girl followed his frustrated gaze with a smirk, stretching her lean body under the light showering from the window.

«If you keep looking at it, it might come to life and attack you...you know?»

Haise dropped his head once again on the bed, displeased but not to the point of dismissing the girl's way to flaunt her gorgeous body before him.

«...why a wig, though? A part from the roots, I mean.», she asked, leaning on one hand while rising the other to the young man's hair...before thinking better of it and lowering it back.

"Too intimate for a touch between strangers after a one night stand, isn't it?.", he thought to himself before answering her question.

«...for the same reason you wear a sparkly thong at night.», he deadpanned, not sure how she would have reacted to his sudden change of mood. «To fake being someone else for as much as I need to.», he then said with a sigh, pointing with a lazy finger to the books he saw just a couple of minutes prior.

Those were expensive university text-books from some sort of chemistry or biology course, probably from Todai or the newest on the list, Kamii national college.

It was clear as day she was struggling with money and was moonlighting in the weekends to keep up with her studies.

She considered his response with a noncommittal sound, glaring at the books piled near her bed with both longing and annoyance.

«...I don't have to explain myself to you.», she stated, but not unkindly, raising from the mattress without bothering with covering her naked body.

«Neither do I.», he reminded her with a bittersweet voice, startling her and making her turn her head in his direction.

Her smile wasn't reaching the eyes when she spoke again.

«...you can't be more different than him.»

Felling a small tug under his ribs, Haise was going to say something...when a loud and silly ringtone echoed through the walls.

The young woman then sprung to her feet in search of her offending cellphone, somewhat ashamed of it, before fishing it from one of her parka's pockets and answering the call.

Haise, occupied in collecting his clothes scattered area under the apartment, had no way to hear the girl talk that he was pushed to the hall in a matter of seconds.

«You have to go.», she said, still with her phone in hand even if the call had been interrupted. «Now.»

«I've gathered that much...», he retorted easily, fighting the impulse to joke about it.

After all, she had had sex with Yami, the condescending bastard, not Haise the punster...

...he needed to stay in character at least to keep that kind of illusion.

«...no, you don't get it. My sister is at the beginning of the block right now. She can't see you.»

He hastily threw on his jeans and shirt, buttoning them up with no small amount of patience from his part while the woman was still fretting all over him, helping him to put on his shoes with hurried gestures.

«Why...is my presence going to shock her for life?»

«More than that...she's gonna call me an hypocrite.»

He didn't investigate further, taking out his glasses from one of his jacket's lined pockets, relieved they weren't damaged after the night's ruckus.

His contact lenses had fell of somewhere during sex or, maybe, they had been stuck in his brain after rolling his eyes in pleasure all of those times.

It had been an eventful night, to say the least.

But when he was going to put his wig on, she grabbed it and shoved it under his leather jacket on his crooked elbow.

«Remember when I said you looked like someone I know?»

Haise nodded sternly, hoping the wig would survive that strife in one way or another.

The young woman took a large sweater from the coat rack and put it on before continuing, «It was because of that fucking wig...and my sister used to know that person too, so you need to keep it hidden if you see her on the stairs.», she said, dusting off the oversized sweatshirt probably out of habit.

And Haise was just relieved he would have been able to ditch that Yami-facade once out her door...when she tugged one of his sleeves, looking up at him from below.

How Haise was able to refrain from kissing her head right then would have always been a mystery to him, for she looked quite adorable in that ugly yellow piece of clothing that covered her thighs just right...with her pleading eyes and grumpy expression.

«...would you like to...meet again?», she asked, not at all hopeful for a positive response, but not expecting a negative one either.

Biting his tongue in order to keep his thoughts to himself, he extended his hand in her direction so that she could give him her phone, and he quickly added his number in her contacts list before giving it back.

He scowled at her for good measure, resisting the urge to kiss her dumbfounded and pretty face.

«I'm only free in the weekend, and never after ten pm.»

«...I work in the weekends.», she sadly retorted, faking disinterest.

«After your shift then, if you want. Or before it, even.»

She frantically nodded before seeing him out of the door, calling out for him until he turned back in her direction.

«What do I call you?», Touka asked, clutching at her phone while looking at him with dreadful determination.

Haise refrained once agin from showing her the kindness she needed, shrugging before making his way down the stairs at the end of the corridor.

«You tell me.», he answered, waving his hand without turning back another time.

*

Contrary to what Touka had manhandled him over, Haise was able to leave the apartment complex with no one in sight, no sister, nothing.

However, he had to find his way out of the courtyard in order to steer his steps to one of the nearby lanes...and right under a covered walk, underneath the passage of the overhead railway, he crossed roads with a young couple bringing plastic bags in their hands.

He lowered his face in fear the girl might have been the redoubtable sister mentioned by Touka, but the two were too engrossed in their bickering to notice him...even with his whitish hair and all-black outfit in the middle of the morning.

Suddenly, one of the bags broke out of the boy's grasp and various plastic bottles rolled all over the pavement, some of which hit Haise's shoes, startling the man even without spilling their contents or making him slip on the ground.

He restrained himself from helping, unable to determine which of the two kids would have ended up reaching for the spilled groceries, fearful to make someone else uncomfortable with his resemblance to some dead stranger.

Eventually, the boy run in his direction, taking up the bottles at Haise's feet with a scowl on his face. «...sorry.», he muttered, clearly displeased by the young man lack of reaction towards those in need, but not particularly angry about it.

The boy rose from the ground and was going to depart, when something caught his attention on Haise's face.

The boy looked somewhat familiar, if not in the hair –a jet black shoulder length cut, and quite the unkept one at that– certainly in the eyes: piercing cold blue irises were looking right in Haise's direction, and they kept following the young man even when he parted ways from the kids.

Hopefully, the morning light had blinded the sight of his eyes through his spectacles' lenses, making Haise unrecognizable from the kids' point of view.

He dared not to turn in the kids' direction, listening to the girl's soft footsteps getting closer to the boy while the young man put even more distance between them.

And so he left the kids just by walking around the corner, halting himself to sense their movements from the nearby lane, but the passage of the train above his head confused his hearing, making his eavesdropping useless, as well as time-wasting.

Meeting the young couple had made him remember about his own kids and their empty fridge.

So, it was with –somewhat reluctant, but not less genuine– determination that Haise put on his wig at the best of his capabilities and strode into the crowded roads...for he needed to seek out the necessary goods for his children.

Willing to drag out the road in order to make the best deals running all over town instead of going home directly, Haise put a smile on his face to cheer himself at the idea...  
...before remembering how creepy he looked while smiling with Yami's face plastered on.

He didn't have to smile, for no one would have recognized him, nor he was supposed to smile for anyone either.

This realization, somehow, was able to lift some strange and unknown weight from his shoulders.

Riding between different trains to get by different supermarkets, Haise shoved his concern away from his thoughts, locking it deep down in his mind where the usual voice was chanting some indistinguishable song of regret and doom.

*

After his last stop-over to get Saiko's favorite manga at the farthest corner shop from home, Haise found himself weighted down by an unusual amount of plastic bags, walking around admiring the cherry trees skirting the streets.

He had had all morning to himself, strolling about the shopping district trying to figure out how to confront his kids over his disappearance for the night.

He had obviously informed them he would have been occupied until late, and sure he had planned to not coming back before morning...but he felt guilty nonetheless.

Only Shirazu had been home the previous day, for Mutsuki had been dragged by Saiko into the depths of Shibuya for a cosplay contest in the afternoon, while Urie had had some issue to sort out with the administrative department in regard to his thesis project.

Shirazu had looked at Haise in the eyes with a mortified but somewhat hopeful expression on his face when his mentor had declared his intention to spend the night away.

He had, however, bid him farewell before retiring in his room for the evening, leaving Haise to prepare in peace his all-black outfit and wig.

The young man felt remorseful for the way he had neglected Shirazu in the last couple of weeks, and thought about leaving home early that afternoon to spend some time at the clinic with him.

Being Sunday and all, the boy was certainly enjoying the day with his sister, and perhaps Haise could have been visiting her as well after lunch or something...

_Why...do you think Ginshi will be happy to see you there, after all the bullshit you gave him recently?_

Haise tried to ignore that nagging voice, thinking about what he still needed to do in order to satisfy his children's needs. He was pretty sure to be able to tame Saiko just by spoiling her rotten as he usually did whenever he didn't want her to notice his mood swings.

But with Mutsuki would have been a little more difficult than that...for they needed to talk about the surgery sooner or later.

_And tell me, you bastard...tell me about Urie? Are you going to avoid him forever?_

The young man slowed his steps while lowering the head in contemplation, not caring if his round glasses slip down the bridge of his nose.

His vision blurred immediately but, fortunately enough, his spectacles didn't actually fell on the pavement.

He focused on that insignificant detail in order to anchor himself.

In order to ignore the voice and all the truths it bore within its cracklings sneers.

 _I knew you were nothing but a coward, Haise_ my dear...

At that, the young man retrieved his steps toward the nearest station, determined to forget all about his problems at least for his journey back home, fearing the way the voice inside his head had recently began to talk like Matsuri or Furuta in some occasions.

Well...at least when it didn't actually sounded like...

_...like who, little fag?_

Exactly.

Suddenly, a bell chimed to his right, catching his attention with immediate effect, finally forcing his mind to silence.

His eyes focused on a small bookshop when he straightened his spectacles, and he felt immediately drawn back to past memories of fondness and relief.

Someone had just entered the glass-door of the store, making the bell on top of it ring its welcoming greeting for every one in the street to hear.

And, in that moment, Haise felt like the child he never got the chance to be, experiencing all of those emotions that have been precluded from him before his adulthood.

He watched closely the rows of books from outside the windows, unable to remember the last time he had took his time walking through shelves by himself.

Those had always been the times Haise felt nothing mattered, not gender, not responsibilities, not even the moody behaviors...

...the only thing that had meant something for him had always been that felling of excitement and thrill.

Those quiet and tender sensation he had ended up sacrificing during his years as a mentor.

He didn't actually know why he had lost interest in books in the last couple of years, but he craved those nostalgic feelings with every ounce of his heart, missing the way he used to beam at the sight of packed shelves.

He needed to remember how it felt to wonder at the infinite possibilities of his imagination while reading pages upon pages of creative material.

And when he opened the door, the bell greeted him as well, like it wanted to welcome him home.

*

Cozy and well-kept, the small bookshop smelled of leather and coffee, for its first floor had been used as a café for costumers to read quietly.

A blond-haired man welcomed him in the store with a cheerful tone, rising his voice for Haise to hear (but, otherwise, not looking directly at him), for he was currently occupied in changing a organizing some volumes on top of a high shelf with one of his colleagues aid.

The woman who was holding the ladder for him nodded towards Haise with a smile, telling him to ask for one of them if he ever needed anything.

They resumed their work quickly, leaving the young man to his leisure while they chatted quietly about the new additions to the store catalogue.

Apparently, the blond man had been excited about some author's upcoming bestseller, while the woman responded to her colleague's opinion with a chuckle, suggesting him to talk with the manager about inviting said author to their shop for a meet and greet.

The echo of their friendly conversation followed Haise in his aimless search through the shelves, while he let his eyes wonder along the infinite spines of the books in front of him.

Soft music played from upstairs, leading the way to a spiral staircase in the corner next to the cash register.

There was a good selection of titles and many books appeared to be second-handed or at least old to some extent, and Haise felt pleased to notice that little detail, for he cherished the idea of week-torn paperback editions and scribbled dog-eared pages.

That way, books were able to reveal even more stories than the ones they were meant to tell: the ones of the people who had previously adored those lines they had learned by heart.

Those chapters they had lost themselves within.

Then, while overwhelmed by that sense of peace and fulfill, feeling like he was wandering in a field full of paper flowers, the young man's attention was caught by a title on one of the top shelves he found himself underneath.

But when he tried to reach it, Haise was surprised to see how being only one hundred and seventy centimeters tall was no indicator of success. However, he was able to get the book...before watching it fall miserably on the ground, near someone else's foot.

Haise had been so engrossed in his research that he hadn't even noticed other patrons in his proximity, let alone leaving them unconcerned with his lack of coordination whatsoever.

The man to his right, indeed, was already kneeling down to retrieve the book, while Haise tried to spare him from the inconvenience.

«Ah! I'm sorry, I...», he began, barely noticing his own uncharacteristically high-pitched voice, before looking at the beautiful person in front of him.

White hair, rectangular spectacles, dressed up in a black suit.

The man crouched in front of him to took Haise's book in his hand and proceeded to raise from the ground, inspecting the cover with a deep scowl.

Haise felt bashful with no sensible reason whatsoever, incapable of tearing his gaze off from the stranger or even focusing properly his eyes on him.

He felt like he was trapped in a bubble of light, unable to detach himself from that inexplicable feeling of deja vu while admiring the man's delicate face.

«Hakushuu, I see.», the man spoke, returning the poetry collection to Haise while the young man was still spacing out.

When Haise regained his composure, he fretted over the small book, taking it from the stranger's hand with a little bow.

«Thank you very much, I'm sorry for the trouble.», he muttered, way too self conscious about his lack of dental hygiene that morning.

The beautiful man watched him closely from above, apparently waiting for the young man to say something else.

Haise straightened his glasses in embarrassment, trying to enter Yami mindset by force just by looking at his shoes, hoping his stern and empty expression would be able to make the man loose interest in him.

And, actually, only a noncommittal sound was heard from the stranger before he retrieved his black suitcase from the ground to depart from the bookstore.

«"The summer's day, the white sunlight, unabushi..."», he mindlessly intoned, walking away.

«"...ends simply through his breath alone".», Haise completed, following with sparkling eyes the stranger's stride until he stopped...and turned back to the young man.

He seemed surprised by his ability to quote by heart the end of one of Hakushuu's poems so fast and efficiently.

However, the stranger's marveling expression faded to ashes of concern when he scowled back at poor Haise.

«Sure you're full of surprises...under all your disguises.», he declared before leaving the store.

And Haise followed his silhouette until he vanished through the crowd...

...while some nagging feeling of desperation swirled in his brain at one, teasing thought.

"...have we met before?", he asked the voice.

But the chasm within him stood silent and uninterested.

He didn't buy the book, putting it back where he had found it, but during his journey back to the Chateau he couldn't process anything but that single, insisting idea...so much that he nearly missed his train trying to rummage through his memories in search of that beautiful stranger.

He looked out of the windowsill without focusing on anything in particular, clutching at one of the shopping bag handles from under his seat, leaning heavily on the backrest with a pensive expression on his face.

His wig had slithered down his eyes without him noticing, framing his glasses with quite the brooding bangs, making him look like the stereotypical unapproachable goth on top of all his black clothes and inexpressive face.

Some kids were giving him the stinky eyes from a couple of seats ahead, but he payed them no mind, too engrossed in his loud and chaotic reasoning.

He found himself marveling about the white-haired man, and tried with everything he got to remember if they had ever met before.

But nothing came to mind in the end.

Nothing at all.

*

Fortunately, he was able to forget all about that oppressive and unsatisfactory sense of disconnection with his past when he arrived home.

In front of which all of his kids were anxiously waiting for him.

Even if he had had the sensitivity to take off his wig (now hidden under his shirt and lined jacket) after having arrived at the last station, Haise felt somewhat uncomfortable with himself.

He had, after all, forced himself in and out of Yami's personality more times that he would have found necessary, and he felt a bit disappointed and uncertain about the outcome.

He had to be "Haise" in front of his kids...but at the same time he didn't want to have to.

And that was exactly why the young man hadn't shrugged off his leather jacket before approaching the Chateau, for he wanted to linger in Yami's state of mind for a bit longer.

Even with a kind smile on his face.

He watched Saiko running down the front stairs, waiting for her to embrace him just outside the fence...but she stopped by the entrance of the garden, looking at her mentor like she had no idea what had happened to him.

Mutsuki chased after the girl and put a hand on her shoulder when he arrived next to her by the gate, voicing Saiko's concern when focusing his gaze on Haise.

«Teach...what...what happened to your face?»

Haise frowned at that, completely oblivious to what they were referring to.

Shirazu came rushing outside the fence to take Haise's elbow in order to guide his mentor inside, rambling about preparing a hot tea for him right after having instructed Urie to get some ice from the freezer.

And Haise had just the time to ask himself why Shirazu hadn't already departed from home to go to the hospital to meet with his sister...before locking his eyes with Urie's one.

The kid was on top of the stairs, unmoved, even if Shirazu was still asking him to take the ice.

Haise's first son was looking at his mentor's face with startled eyes and clenched fists.

And when the young man arrived on top of the stairs, Urie didn't even flinch away from

Haise's hand when their guardian patted his shoulder.

But the kid was the last to enter after Haise followed Shirazu to the kitchen.

*

As usual, Haise's unusually high pain tolerance had prevented him from remembering what had happened the night before after arriving at Touka's apartment.

And he was now currently surrounded by confused and concerned children, while he was inspecting his face in the mirror.

Bruises were painting black and blue his face in various spots on his face...one on the right cheekbone, another on the left underside of his jaw, another one right on one of his temples.

However, the young man refused to take off his shirt in front of his kids, sure they could survive another day without looking at Touka's work of art on his body.

For, even if that woman's blows had nearly reduced him into a pulp of flesh, she certainly loved her some meat to bite into.

«You should see what I did to my aggressor.», he tiredly joked, sitting down on one of the kitchen stool near the counter. «Although, they might have some problems sitting for a week or two.», he concluded, opting to censure the exact meaning behind his words in front of the kids.

However, Saiko giggled at the sexual innuendo, covering her grin with both hands even if it didn't reach her eyes.

Haise took her nose in between his fingers until she cheered up and hugged him by his left side.

Tightly at first, more gingerly when she sensed her mentor tense under her embrace, but not willing to let him go either.

Haise ruffled her hair while Shirazu put a bag of ice right under the young man's jaw, causing him to shiver from head to toe.

«Sassan...we know you are more than capable to defend yourself, but shouldn't you call us when in need?»

«He's right, Teach. From the look of it, you might as well have slept on the club's floor after having lost your senses...»

Technically, Mutsuki had been right abut the sleeping-on-the-floor part, but Haise choose not to alarm the kids by letting them know the truth.

«...have you remembered uncle Amon's birthday present, Teach?», Mutsuki chimed in, leaning on the counter left to Haise, «The day next to his birthday I had the race and I would have been sorry if he were not to receive his present within the week...», he explained, looking at his mentor from under his lashes.

Haise ruffled his hair, gaining a smile out of him, «Don't worry Mucchan. The Mados send their greetings to all of you. And Amon is sorry about not organizing a party last Thursday as any other year...but the both of them had been pretty busy with work. But he appreciated your donuts greatly, Ginshi.», the young man answered, looking at Shirazu with a serene expression.

«Did you brought them to him yourself?», the boy asked with a cheeky grin and shining eyes.

«Yesterday morning they were at work, but I crossed path with Akira at midday and I gave her your box. Then I called Amon late yesterday to hear his praise to the pastry chef...and to hear the news about the girls.»

«Were they able to file the request in time?»

Haise smiled softly at Saiko's hopeful expression, nodding his response, marveling at the sight of his kids pleased and excited about the possible arrival of two new addition to the Mado's household.

«And what about you all...I was busy with work yesterday, so you tell me. How did it go?»

«Maman, you're avoiding the subject of your big night out...»

«No, I'm merely interested in your personal life like any good mother hen would be.»

Urie snorted at the image, probably trying to overcome a fit of laughter at the thought of a feathered Haise on a warm nest.

But the kid, being too cool and all, would have never admitted to find amusing such a scene.

And yet, Urie seemed nervous behind his humorous appearance, so much that it caught Haise's attention, who could sense something was going on with his pupil.

But before the young man had even the chance to voice his concern, Mutsuki stepped in with quite the cheerful chuckle, stressing his enthusiasm a bit too much for Haise to not get suspicious.

«Saiko and I had so much fun yesterday afternoon in Shibuya.»

«Oh really?», Haise said while taking of his glasses with his right hand, «Do tell...who won the contest in the end?», he asked, prying gently Shirazu's hand from the bag of ice in order to sustain it himself under his jaw.

«She was a pro, Maman...a real Rei Ayanami in the flesh.», Saiko dreamily sighed, crouching down on the ground to lean her head on Haise's knees, waiting for him to pet her with his free hand.

«She was so beautiful I was going to cry. I wasn't even that scared of the crowd, honestly...I was just too focused on her, really.», she explained, deserving a wide smile from her mentor for her act of bravery.

«Did you get her number at least?», Haise chuckled, dodging the subject of her phobia just for now, focusing instead on a more positive matter.

«I wish I did! But Mucchan said we needed to rush home and...», she suddenly interrupted herself, perhaps in hope that her strange behavior would have been interpreted as a way to show her displeasure towards Mutsuki's intervention in her business.

Haise considered his baby girl for a moment with pressed lips and narrowed eyes, turning his then to Shirazu to proceed with his enquiry.

The boy fumbled with words while trying to sit down on the stool in front of his mentor, sensing his scrutinizing gaze becoming more and more intense as his smile grew wider and wider.

«I...I didn't do anything interesting.», he muttered, fidgeting with his long fingers, playing with a string of his black hoodie, «I was at home all afternoon and evening and...I haven't got the chance to see the others all day until late. But what about you, Sassan?», he shrieked, raising his head so fast Haise feared him to have sprained his cervical, «It's very unusual for you to work during your free day, isn't it?»

Haise kept staring at him without saying a single word.

Waiting for the kid to crumble under his creepy smile's pressure.

And, to be honest, Shirazu tried with all his might to resist, biting on his bottom lip in order to keep himself from exploding...

...but, in the end, Haise won, satisfied in watching the boy heave a huge sigh with slumped shoulders and a wary expression.

«Urie has something to say to you!»

«You traitor.», Urie muttered under his breath, crossing his arms on his chest in a displeased gesture.

«Maman, we're sorry for not telling you sooner...», Saiko wailed, lowering her forehead down on the ground in the deepest (and the most dramatic) bow Haise had ever saw her improvising, «But Urie didn't want us to tell you anything until he found the balls to tell you personally.»

Haise cringed at the expression his baby girl had used, uncomfortable for some reasons.

«...I've overestimated your intelligence, you NEET.», Urie said in a growl, not unkindly but certainly not amused with Saiko's lack of restraint.

She ended up sticking out her tongue at him in response.

Curious about what Urie's surprise might be, Haise leaned back on the counter, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket in the meanwhile, amused by the way his kid was avoiding eye contact with his own mentor.

«...yesterday morning I had to discuss with Professor Aura about my thesis project, remember?», Urie finally said, waiting for a nod from Haise's part before continuing. He took a breath and kept his composure, even if barely so.

«Well...she said that, instead of writing a paper on marketing management, I should wait a couple of months before submitting the layout of the project in June.», he explained, vaguely cautious in his choice of words probably due to his excitement, «Because someone from the top brass told Professor Aura that I might be chosen from all the students in the Academy to do something important...and it wouldn't be that much of a surprise, given my grades and all.»

Haise folded his hands on his lap at that, suddenly brought back to what Matsuri had revealed to him about Yoshitoki's interest in Urie's achievements.

He wondered what kind of position the Committee would have been prone to give a twenty-year old man, because, even with all his smart-ass remarks and capabilities, he was still barely an adult.

It wasn't strange the fact that such a warning from Professor Aura came just the day after Haise had known the drill from Matsuri: clearly, Yoshitoki's plans had been already in the air for his son to reveal them to one of his employees.

Although, sure Kiyoko Aura had been quick to spill everything for Urie to know, probably out of pride towards her student.

«She didn't give any details, but I thought about it a little and it will be no surprise if Mr Washuu Senior would be to pass his position to his son, right? After all, his last surgery must have gotten the better out of him in the last few months...», Urie continued, seating down in the seat between Shirazu and their guardian.

«And I've heard from Professor Marude that next year the head of our sister city's branch would retire from Berlin, where most of our colleagues have been transferred to in the past. And you know how he is, always bitching about something...why would he lie about such a news?»

The young man's ears began to sense only void after that.

He was still able to read Urie's lips...but everything felt blank and plane through his perception of the world.

«So...if I submit a request for a position there, it might be possible for the Committee to kill two birds with one stone, giving me a chance as the new assistant of the next European branch's head...probably Mr Matsuri Washuu, if I read the signs correctly.»

Haise schooled his reactions, ordering his forehead to cease the constant frowning, his fingers to quit the trembling, and his eyes to stop watering.

«Then I could always write my thesis project as a simple report about my experience in Europe, filing it by next spring as a mere formality...given that, at that point, I would probably be able to work full time under Matsuri.»

Urie's mouth stopped talking, and Haise forced himself to snap out of that bubble of void he had found himself in.

The kitchen seemed darker than before, the stool incredibly tall compared to moments prior.  
Everything felt cold...even his hands, too numb to crack their knuckles for Haise to let out some steam.

«Was it you, Maman?», asked Saiko, raising from the ground to reach for Urie's shoulder to give them a little squeeze, «Weren't you at dinner with him two days ago? Did you suggest Matsuri to take Urie into consideration for that position?»

«Because, if you did, I would never hate you for the implied backing...quite the opposite, actually.», Urie pointed out, uncharacteristically bashful and exited for his usual self. The point of his ears red, his hands gesticulating vaguely like he wanted to give physical form to his words.

«And I can always file a request for an internship to Berlin if I score good enough to the examination that will take place in June.», intervened Mutsuki, eyes bright and a wary smile on his face, «...but, yet again, we have made some research during the night and we found out both Urie and I would be able to visit Japan at least every two or three months until our graduation. And if I work hard enough, I can probably get my degree six months ahead of my original schedule.», he explained, reaching for Urie's hand while the other mindlessly clasped at it, still looking straight ahead into Haise's eyes.

«So...Sasaki, was it you who convinced Matsuri on the matter?», the usually stern boy asked, his voice weak, his heart bursting with anticipation.

Haise wasn't able to respond to that.

He simply smiled to cover the way his eyes were tearing up, faking pride and fondness when he was only able to feel utter desperation.

But when Urie began to frown in front of his mentor's silence, Haise nodded furiously in response to his previous question, incapable of watching his son's hopes and dreams crumble because of him.

And he felt nauseous with himself when Urie hugged him tightly, initiating himself a physical contact with his guardian for the first time in three years.

And Haise felt sick when Mutsuki joined in, thanking him for giving Urie that huge opportunity.

And the young man felt dying as Saiko did her best to not cry at the thought of her brothers far away from home.

But what made Haise feel worst was Shirazu's concerned stare, directed at him while the kid had begun rocking back and forth on his seat by the counter.

He knew something was up, and he would have asked for details later that day.

But he was also the one who caught the others' attention with a loud clap of his hands, asking them to free Haise from their clutches in order to help him sorting out the bags of groceries.

Shirazu knew something was up.

And Haise had no way to anticipate the boy's actions anymore.

*

Evening came by in a matter of minutes or even seconds in Haise's perspective.

The kids had been busy with their own activities all afternoon, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Saiko had been reading her new manga after lunch, chatting with her friends online about some fandom business regarding an upcoming event in downtown.

Shirazu locked himself in his room all day, putting up a farce in order to make everyone believe he was not studying at all.

And finally, Urie and Mutsuki had set camp in the back garden, planning their future in Germany not at all bothered with such a sudden change of mindset just two days into their relationship: they weren't scared, nor particularly sad at the idea of moving away from Japan, for they would have been together no matter what.

Haise watched hem from the window in the laundry-room, marveling at the way the both of them were smiling and laughing easily under one of the trees in the garden.

They had never been more happy...and their mentor was at loss.

The young man retrieved his folding, more at ease with himself now that he had time to iron the kids' clothes. He had needed some time to himself in order to sort out his future plans, and doing the chores or finishing some task had been enough to soothe his nerves.

Suddenly, but quietly so, someone entered the room, slowly shuffling their feet onward, but Haise knew exactly who it was.

He greeted Shirazu with a smile on his face, asking him to join him by the washing machine to fold the clothes.

After a while, the tall boy began to fidget on his feet, lowering his eyes on the task at hand.

«...you don't have to tell me, Sassan.», the kid said, leaning his forehead on one of the shelves on top of the appliances. «But at least I would like to know if it's something related to Urie's situation...maybe you are against his project?»

Haise watched him carefully, trying hard to be cheerful and kind.

 _Isn't it exhausting to lie every single day to the ones you love?_ , the voice whispered, hitting him with all its heavy and obscure implications.

He thought about telling the truth for a moment, looking at his kid with concern and frustration.

But, in the end, he decided otherwise, widening his smile a little more.

«You would be a good investigator, Ginshi.», he considered, knowing all too well how to distract the boy from his speculations just by calling him by his first name.

The kid had never specifically asked to be called that way like Saiko had done in the past, but Haise knew how much he appreciated that.

And, in the end, it was enough to make him lose focus on the matter, steering him away from his suspicions for good.

«But it has nothing to do with Urie.», the young man continued, looking pensive just for the sake of the scene, rubbing his chin absentmindedly with his left hand, «...actually, it's about the program for peculiar children.»

Shirazu kept quiet for a while, looking away from his guardian to observe one of Saiko's ridiculous onesies instead.

«They are going to cut it, aren't they?», he asked with a small voice, covering his face with his bangs.

Something broke in Haise's heart at that, but he was determined to make everything better once again.

He had to.

«I know all of you are adults, but you grew up in quite the dysfunctional families and you still need protection to this day. But if they want to cut the program, there wouldn't be enough money to let you study in peace without working in the meantime. Our home will be returned to the CCGS and we'll have to find another place.»

«I could...I could always ask for more hours at work..»

«No, Ginshi. I wasn't able to provide for your sister the way I had intended to, and now you're working hard to pay her fees...I will not let you take another part time job to solve even this. And this goes for each and every one of you.»

«...and what about the house? Are they going to make us move?», the boy asked, with his shoulders wide and his back straight.

He desperately wanted to not have to feel so powerless anymore...Haise could see it.

_Just like you...my dear._

The young man smiled at Shirazu, suppressing a shiver to run down his spine at what the voice had just said.

«I have a plan.», he reassured the kid, patting one of his hands before retrieving his folding job, «I'm going to buy this house myself.»

«...but how, Sassan?»

The young man didn't raise his head to respond.

«I'm going to take the Bar, this June.»

Shirazu became even more quiet after that.

«Promise me you're not going to tell the others about the program...I don't want them to fret over something like that.»

«But...surely you're not being literal in...»

«I beg you, Ginshi.», the young man stressed, maybe a little too much for Shirazu's good,

«I need you to be strong...and I want you to respect my wishes.»

Shirazu folded the last t-shirt with a tense expression on his face, nodding slowly until Haise ruffled his hair and told him he had to leave for a couple of hours.

The kid looked somewhat tense at the thought of him going on out before dinner, but otherwise said nothing on the matter.

He simply followed Haise to the door and bid him farewell with a smile on his face.

He knew. Because he was the smartest one out of them all.

He knew Haise was nothing but a fake. Because their guardian was not so good at acting anymore.

He knew and he loved his mentor nonetheless. Because he never had parents to begin with and wanted everyone in his family to be happy.

And Haise felt nauseous at what he had done to Shirazu and, while he drove to the streets of Tokyo, a single thought shouted its despair inside of him.

"I never wanted this.", he repeated to himself again and again and again.

_What it is that you didn't want?_

But Haise wasn't going to respond to that, disgusted by his own selfishness.

_Say it._

He ignored the voice while driving into the CCGS underground parking lot.

_Say it to my face._

He pulled in before shutting up the engine for good.

«I never...»

_Louder!_

He bit his lower lip, restraining himself from pulling at his hair and eyes in fear.

Heaving a little, the young man was finally able to speak...even if he wasn't able to tell exactly what the voice wanted to hear the most.

«...I never wanted to be like that.»

_Like what?_

Haise looked up, until he saw –for a brief and insignificant moment– someone else's eyes in the rear mirror instead of his own.

_Like who...little fag?_

The young man suppressed his tears before he dared to respond.

«Like her.», he hastily answered, leaving his car to search for his supervisor, closing the door with too much force...

...trying with all his might to not focus too much on his last thought before looking for an elevator.

"She never wanted to care for anyone."

He watched his reflection on one of the windowsills of his car, ashamed of himself.

Sure to see "her" instead of his own figure in the depths of that makeshift mirror.

_You mean...like you?_

But he was only able to see his reflection smiling evilly at him before he left for the elevator...

...too scared to look back.

*

Haise knew Matsuri.

Or so he had thought...but at least he knew his habits.

So, he found the man easily enough, going straight to the fiftieth floor of the CCGS building to spot him at his desk through the open door of his office.

He never spend time at home, if not for sleeping or attending at some sort of dinner.

For he was meticulous enough to stay in the department way after anyone else in order to finish the work.

And Haise hated knowing him to that point...

...because the young man knew exactly to have been tricked into that situation.

He strode to the door left ajar and greeted Matsuri with nothing but disdain.

The man in front of him rose immediately from his chair, but with no rush whatsoever, having probably predicted Haise's arrival at that point.

Yet, the young man could have never imagined what his supervisor was going to tell him, right there, right then.

Matsuri looked at him with a stern but sorrowful expression, the same he always sported when he was talking about his wife or sometimes about Germany.

He looked at him like he regretted something, and was unsure how to express it.

«I'm sorry for the way we left each other the other night...I was reckless and I hope we can settle our differences in the future.»

_"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please...please. Forgive me...I'm sorry for what I did."_

Memories flashed through Haise's mind at the speed of light, leaving him breathless and scared for no reason in particular.

But he had to respond to Matsuri, or...at least, he had to pretend some sort of explanation from the man himself.

And he was actually able to speak...even if his voice appeared flat and empty even to his own ears.

Too fleeting to be fully grasped even by his own mind.

«Urie and Mutsuki are going to file a request for a scholarship abroad...did you tell Professor Aura anything about what you had told me?»

Matsuri looked at him like he had been stupid to ask such an obvious question, watching him closely with his pristine gray suit and his collected behavior.

Haise's determination didn't waver in front of his supervisor, for the young man felt too numb to even remember how to feel anything at all.

«...I accept your offer. Please, delay their request until my examination for the Bar.», he muttered sadly, bowing deeply before absentmindedly adding, «Take good care of me.», not quite sneering, but certainly not sounding hopeful in the slightest.

He kept his eyes lowered while Matsuri stepped closer to him...fearing his next move, like the one he dared to attempt in the car Friday night.

But the man didn't approach him quite so aggressively, keeping his hands to himself and respecting Haise's personal space while doing so.

«If it was for me, Haise, we wouldn't find ourselves in this kind of situation.»

Once again, the young man hated himself for knowing his boss that well, feeling nothing but hatred for himself for being able to pinpoint Matsuri's honesty out of every word he had said.

«But it is because of you if we are, right now.», was only response from Haise's part, still afraid to raise his eyes to meet Matsuri's ones.

«You left me no choice.», the supervisor sadly muttered, extending a hand for Haise to shake...

...but the young man left the room with slow, deliberate steps, not daring to look behind.  
Leaving Matsuri with his hand still in place.

*

"April sure is the cruelest month.", was one of Haise's most frequent thoughts during the weeks that preceded his examination.

Indeed, Haise's already hectic life became even more unmanageable than before, for the young man had to dust off his law textbooks on top of keeping up with his work in the attorney department.

More and more cases of abused or neglected children came to his desk, but fortunately most of them were assigned to the newbies in the nearby bullpen...where misfortune was bound to happen.

So, in the end, even if Matsuri had insisted with the new recruits' supervisor to sort out that paperwork mess among his people...nearly all of Take's young employees came to Haise for help and guidance.

And Haise, not at all comfortable with the idea of asking Matsuri yet another hand to keep the juniors at bay, had always welcomed them with a smile on his face whenever they shyly poked their head in his small office with theirs arms full of folders.

His lunch breaks were spent studying for the upcoming test, and he made an effort to bid everyone goodnight even when he had planned to pull an all-nighter in the department for the same reason.

Shirazu often texted him during those long evenings, reassuring the young man all of his kids had eaten properly and had been taken good care of.

And after receiving one of those texts, Haise usually left briefly his office to use the restroom, content at the idea his pupils were in such responsible hands...but during those occasions, he would always find a cup of coffee on his desk by the time he mad his return from the toilets.

But for how many times Haise refused to drink it (leaving the mug still full by the cafeteria before going home), he would always find another one waiting for him night after night.

Reminding him exactly how insistent and determined Matsuri could be in showing Haise his interest in him.

Even that night, while the clock stroke midnight on the 19th, the young man returned at his desk glaring at the steaming cup nearby his textbooks, asking himself why in the world his supervisor would leave that kind of token of his affection just before going back home to his wife.

Matsuri had always made an habit of staying in the department as much as he could in order to wrap up the work for the upcoming day, so it hadn't be that difficult for Haise to understand who might have been the one that prepared coffee for him every night before calling it a day and leaving the offices.

But what baffled him the most had always been the motive behind such act of consideration: after all, Matsuri had never been a shy person, so why would he have had to wait for Haise to disappear before placing the cup on his desk?

The only possible conclusion was that his supervisor's only interest was for Haise to keep studying hard in order to outdo the Bar.

After reassuring himself of his boss's prosaic intentions, usually the young man took his textbooks back in hand and resumed his study session.

But yet, there were times –like that night– when his stare lingered on the steaming cup, watching it getting cold by the minutes, asking himself dangerous questions...imagining if Matsuri had truly felt remorseful for the way he had forced Haise in that situation.

Wondering if maybe...just maybe the older man had never showed himself in front of his desk with the cup in hand because he wouldn't make Haise uncomfortable.

In order to let him study in peace, while supporting him from afar every night, with some coffee and unspoken words of fondness.

Those kind of thoughts, however, were able to make the situation even more creepy than it already was.

Haise considered briefly those unsettling possibilities in his mind while taking the cup gingerly in his hand, before sipping cautiously its contents.

For how cold it was, that small gesture of kindness was able to warm his numb heart, making the young man smile deprecatingly at himself.

_How weak of you, Haise, to give in so easily to your abuser's caresses._

"He's not my abuser. He was a bit pushy...that's all."

_And why do you keep studying in here? Why don't you go home?_

"Only Shirazu knows about this...I don't want the others to be concerned."

_My, Haise...sure you love yourself a good thrill, being in such a dangerous place..._

"...he's not a bad man, he's sorry for what he did."

 _Sure_ , the voice mocked, while Haise kept drinking absentmindedly from the cold cup. _Keep telling yourself that._

The young man ignored the voice deep within his mind, resting his back on the chair, rocking back and forth on his seat.

«...it could be worse.», he muttered emptily before reaching the bottom of his drink.

The following night, on his way back from the restroom, Haise treaded softly to his office, keeping his breath in anticipation at the sight of his desk...

...before finding yet another steaming cup and a energy-bar just nearby.

He unwrapped the snack with mechanical gestures, munching at it without tasting a single thing...a part from his quiet tears of denial.

 _I'll find you in a dumpster one of these days_ , the voice said while Haise kept staring at the window-wall behind his desk.

And, for a brief, concerning moment, the young man thought to see himself talking in that reflection.

«... _and you will beg me to leave you in the trash, where you belong._ »

That's what the voice said to him, before Haise drank out of his cup with a sad smile on his lips.

That sure was funny.

*

Matsuri never confronted him on the coffee matter, nor he tried to approach Haise during his all-nighters.

And, when they had to meet for discussing issues concerning the department, the young man's supervisor showed little to no interest in making Haise's life even more miserable.

If anything, his boss smiled more frequently at him, but he never attempted anything strange or even remotely scary in regard to their relationship...during work hours or otherwise.

In other news, Haise found himself too preoccupied with his studies and work to care about Furuta's nagging text messages during the day.

And the young man's interest in that bastard's sexual tendencies diminished by the minute every time his friend had decided it would have been a good idea to send him dick-pics at any given moment.

During meetings with other fellow mentors, in between study sessions at night, even at breakfast sometimes...Furuta's timing had never been perfect, but his lack of patience was enough to make Haise insane.

The fact was that the young man didn't owe a damn thing to him, not even for ditching him during that last party at Itori's club.

Yet again, that bastard was constantly fucking someone (or something, in rare occasions) on the set...and it had always been beyond Haise's comprehension why someone like his crazy of a friend would have wanted to have sex with him if he was always on all fours for someone else.

However, for how much reason Haise had gathered during the years for the both of them, Furuta kept at it with his little teasing game...knowing all too well the young man would never block him from his contacts.

So...this often forced Haise in pretty difficult and embarrassing situations, such has hiding his semis or hard-ons during breakfast with his kids or during meetings.

Haise neglected his needs out of stubbornness more than out of anger towards Furuta, having decided it was not worth being charged for obscene acts in public places only to respond to a useless teasing.

Furthermore, he didn't want to catch himself fantasizing about anyone just to get off some steam...for he felt uncomfortable at the idea of thinking about some supervisor whose name should have not been pronounced.

But, he sure wasn't going to jerk off at the sight of Furuta's (usually) limp cock.

He had some pride left, after all.

And, finally, he had no intention of thinking about the beautiful and mysterious Touka to please himself while he was that frustrated with himself.

Not in the shower, not under his desk, not...anywhere to be honest.

He felt like he would have ruined the memories of their encounter if he had dared to touch himself after having received those fucking pics.

Sure enough, the young woman never called him back after their last (and, therefore, only) night together, but Haise had had little to no time to think about it, being pretty busy himself.

He caught himself thinking about her while studying, imagining her in a storage room of one of her part-time jobs with a book on her knees: for some reason that kind of scene was able to keep Haise's sexual frustration at bay, letting the young man focus on his studies even more.

Touka was certainly putting everything she got to achieve her goals...and the young man needed to do the same for the sake of his family.

Funny how they had met for such a brief moment...and yet here he was, thinking about their similarities: both working hard for their projects to be realized.

Or, at least, this was what Haise liked to imagine, having met her only once and briefly enough at that...but he somewhat envied her.

Not for her condition, but for her drive and will...those qualities that got her to survive every weekend dancing for slimy patrons in order to pay for her studies.

Because she was working hard for her dream to come true...

...while Haise was doing it for someone else entirely.

That night, the young man returned in his office from the restroom after having waited in the stall for nearly ten minutes, suppressing his erection by will alone.

He drank his now cold coffee and ate his flavorless snack while staring at his reflection in the mirror.

He felt nothing for the umpteenth time in less than a week, seating back at his chair with a book on his knees.

Aching for something that was nowhere in sight for him to feel.

*

Change came in form of a proposal, one Friday morning.

And no, Matsuri wasn't the one to kneel in front of the young man, nor it had been Furuta the brave soul fated to claim Haise's hand as his own.

And, for how fun it would have been, not even Touka dared to show herself as the only sensible pursuer of that damsel in distress of Haise.

No...it was Jinrī Shao.

Who had returned from her recent trip to Taiwan to ask –for the sixth time in a year– for Saiko's hand in marriage...

...after been denied of peace for six times straight not only by Saiko herself (who rejected suitors at least once a week), but by Haise too.

Not because he thought Shao to be unfit to care for his beloved baby girl...but because she had been too damn persistent on the matter.

And when Haise saw the tall Taiwanese girl just outside the elevator doors, striding into the attorney department while aiming straight at his office, the young man rose to his feet before she could cross the small distance between them.

He looked mindlessly at his desk-calendar before sighing deeply...

"It's the 22nd already", he though to himself, bracing himself for what was coming his way, "Like clockwork, as usual".

Shao arrived at his door, waiting for him to give her permission to overstep that sacred barrier.

Tension grew by the seconds while the girl stood perfectly still glaring at Haise, backed up by all of the newbies in the nearby bullpen who cheered for her.

Or, to be more precise, backed up by all of those opportunists who had still their bet going on about that poor girl's fate.

Haise ignored all the stern faces behind Shao's back in order to give her a good look.

She had grown over the past two months, that was for sure, but her determined look was not enough to convince Haise of her abilities in taking care for Saiko.

Indeed, as Shao was presenting herself right now, the girl would not have been able to look after anyone at all.

Haise sighed deeply before gesturing her to sit down, glaring dangerously at his colleagues to mind their own businesses.

He looked closely at the girl in front of him before letting her speak her mind with a small nod of his head, waiting for calamity to unfold...

«I'm not here to ask Miss Yonebashi's hand in marriage, Mr Sasaki.», she began, surprising Haise so fast he had to focus on Shao's face before speaking.

He felt confused for a long moment, even if he was still incredulous at the idea that she could have matured so much in just a bunch of weeks.

«...and why is that, Shao?», he asked somewhat tense, folding his sands before his face just in case...

«Because you are going to let me marry her without waiting for my proposal this time!», she insisted, realizing Haise's worst predictions, giving him the time to lower his forehead on his intertwined knuckles in complete and utter desperation.

«...no Shao, I'm not consenting to this.»

«Mr Sasaki, you don't understand...I can take care of her. I think I have proved myself capable of it more times than necessary and...»

«That's the problem, Shao.»

«But, Mr Sasaki...!»

«What have I told you last time?», he asked emptily at her, raising his head to look at her dark eyes in search for answers she would never give. «That you had to figure out what price you would be unwilling to pay in order to stay with Saiko. And then I told you that you had to actually spend time with her to understand the meaning of my request...so tell me, how so I haven't heard of you in two months by Saiko herself?»

«...because I was busy with my studies. And I want to graduate as soon as possible to grant Miss Yonebashi the future she deserve.»

Her determination wasn't going to waver, but so wasn't going to do her foolishness.

And Haise was on the verge of tears at the thought of having to deal with another delusional teenager, when someone else barged into his office at that very moment...creeping up behind Shao with a murderous intent.

«Genie...», came in a growling voice, making the girl snap her head up out of fear, «...you do something like that again and there will be consequences.»

The girl tried to argue, turning around to give her mentor a piece of her mind...before freezing in front of the man's furious expression.

«You escape from under my eyes while I drive on the highway a second time, and I assure you...you'll be grounded for life.»

After that, Shao rose from the chair in front of Haise's desk, bowing politely at her guest before walking out from the small office with an unhappy expression, leaving the two men alone.

Some of Take's newbies from the bullpen offered her tea and biscuits, making sure to check on the girl in her guardian's stead.

Meanwhile, said mentor heaved a huge sigh before crashing on the very same chair Shao had left only second prior.

He looked at Haise with a frustrated glare before excusing his pupil's behavior.

The young man folded his hands once more, taking in the sight of a tired, restless, and slimmed-down Koori Ui without any more fucks to give.

«...it's been a while, Ui.», Haise greeted him, with an exhausted smile matching his guest's scowl.

«Please, spare me Sasaki.», he retorted, patting his jacket in search of something before reclining his head on the chair seat-back, «Tell me you have some smoke to share.», he asked, certainly stressed to the point of begging others to find some relief.

«I'm afraid I have none. But it sure is strange for you to forget your cigarettes...»

«I've said spare me. You're still two years too young to be so displeasing toward your senior.»

«...and you are too smoked to forget your stock. So tell me...what have changed since last time we met?»

Ui glared at him for a while before answering, pulling at his trousers to stop one of his legs from jiggling, «Haven't you heard? Hachikawa quit...for good this time.», the man said, looking around the office before focusing his attention to the pile of books near the desk. He seemed to consider them, but asked no questions on the matter, «...last time it should have been just for a couple of months, but now it's official. Oral cancer.»

Haise paled at that, unable to respond to such a terrible news with anything but silence and sorrow.

Ui, on the other hand, appeared to be more angry than sorry for what had happened to their fellow mentor.

«I was the kids' psychiatrist's assistant, so I felt it would have been the right thing to do until his return...but then he was diagnosed and the upper management of the project decided there were no more guardians available. So I had been babysitting them since then...it's been a couple of months now.»

«I haven't heard anything, I'm sorry.»

«Well, you'd been busy with...studying, apparently.», the man humored him, pointing at the books, «You had been so busy, you had missed my promotion as a full-time-mum of three teenagers. And now here I am...begging for a cigarette after I had to quit in order to be a good mentor.»

«Unbelievable indeed.», the young man had to recognize, nodding wisely at Ui to mess with him.

The times when the young psychology major didn't want to befriend him were gone, and now they could enjoy a quiet chat even if they still lingered on those few formalities that kept them from being close to each other.

«...how did Ayumu take it?», Haise then asked, knowing all too well how fond the young girl was of her previous mentor, having been his only pupil for a very long time before the arrival of the other two.

«What do you think?», he responded with a shrug, scowling a bit.

«...that bad?»

«She refuses to come home.», Ui explained, somewhat with a fond expression on his stern face, «I go to the clinic daily to check on her, but she wants to stay with him until the end. Genie and Hige had known the man only for six months before they had been assigned to me permanently...but I think they have no idea what to say to her, and so they stay away from Ayumu to leave her alone. Genie asked to visit her family in Taipei, while Hige had began working on his own at the precinct as a secretary...alongside with your Shirazu, if I'm not mistaken.»

«Oh, yeah he mentioned that a while ago while talking about his work at the archive. Is Higemaru satisfied by his new part time job?»

«Somewhat...he tells me he had made friends with Professor Aura's nephew. That would be a first for that poor kid...but I shouldn't be surprised for him to work at the police station. His aunt sure knows how to "make a man out of others" by getting them work from the bottom to the top.», he said with a mocking voice, probably trying to make fun of the woman now that he got the chance to humor her methods.

«I am afraid you have watched too much western animation for your own good.», Haise responded, not missing the quote even if he was not an expert in Disney movies as much as Saiko was.

«The perks of attending boarding school, before your father's debt with a powerful organization crashes...and said organization decides to "make a man out of you" by forcing you away from your family for ten years...before assigning you three peculiar children to take care of.», he bitterly retorted with a smile on his face, softening his features before concluding his little subversive speech.

«And all this after said organization had taken everything out of you, in order to make you pay for your father's mistake...even your right to become a psychiatrist after years and years of studying at a prestigious international school at your own expenses. Sure they had fun with me in the last decade...»

Ui had been Haise's first acquaintance back in the days, when he had began studying at the Academy.

And very few of their colleagues could have said to have been more scrupulous or driven than Ui during their years of university.

So Haise could not be surprised to hear his resentment slipping through his harsh words.

«I don't know why you've all of those books under your desk, Sasaki. But remember that they are going to take everything from you...like they did to me.», he said in a flat tone, whispering while leaning on the desk with both hands to approach Haise, «People like us, who do not fit in the CCGS's stereotypes, are nothing but trash...and we are the perfect match for those children, kids that no one had wanted to take care of.»

The young man stared down to his folded hands, listening carefully to Ui's words...fearing what he could have gathered from their brief conversation.

«There are no more mentors around...and this is suspicious in itself. Have you perhaps heard something about the project being disbanded, Sasaki?», Ui asked, still lingering above Haise's head to murmur in his ear, too quiet for others to perceive, «Should I be worried about my kids? Should I find suspicious your sudden interest in becoming a lawyer...since you once told me you wanted to quit?»

Haise had no idea how to respond to him when a last whisper came to his ear, followed by an intense and determined look from the man.

«...do you need help, Sasaki?», he asked in a rush, before being interrupted.

«Help with what, exactly, Koori?», a deep voice surprised them both from the door, making Ui turn around to greet the new guest with a sneer.

«Matsuri...can't you read the mood?», Ui said in a frustrated sigh, pretending to be annoyed with Haise's supervisor, «Your employee would never give me head, now that you've ruined the atmosphere for good.»

Haise's boss seemed to have suddenly aged by ten years or so by jealousy alone, throwing daggers at his old acquaintance, «You should be more careful with your tongue while joking about such tendencies, Koori. Someone could misunderstand your intentions.»

«And since when should I be careful around you...given you're the one of the few who would understand?», the man responded, way too proud of that burn to wait for it to heal, bowing politely at Haise before leaving for the door, «Oh and, by the way, Sasaki.», he added, stopping right next Matsuri to get on his nerves a little more, «You should beware Hige...he seems to have quite the crush on your baby girl.»

The young man growled in frustration, «Would you please tell your kids to stop falling in love with my Saiko?»

«Sorry...I don't rule their needs. And neither do you.», he cryptically said, leaving the office to retrieve poor Shao from wherever she had grounded herself in, out of humiliation and shame. Loud noises came from down the hall of the attorney department, but after that nothing could be heard from the bullpen either.

Before his supervisor could ask for explanations, Haise rose from his chair and gestured towards the pile of books at his feet.

«...he asked me if I wanted some help with my studies. He saw the books so...», the young man answered, leaving the sentence hanging in the tense air.

«...you seem tired.», Matsuri stated after a while, vaguely frustrated more than concerned, getting closer to Haise seemingly to observe the tall pile of volumes the young man had pointed at. «Haven't you took your coffee today?», he absentmindedly asked, inspecting the books like the colorful post-it-notes were personally offending him.

But Haise had been too distracted by his question to try to defend his office appliances.

He lowered his eyes, mulling over what to say without sounding too skittish or bashful.

«...I kind of like my coffee at night.», he muttered, watching carefully his supervisor from under his bangs, afraid of his possible reaction.

But the man appeared to not be interested in assaulting him or anything like that...he simply rose a skeptical eyebrow as a response, probably waiting for Haise to continue. Instead, the young man got nervous under the man's stare, and he began to blabber out like his usual.

«You know...I like my coffee just the way I like my nights: dark and impossible to sleep through.», he joked quoting some obscure podcast he had grew addicted to since a couple of years back, wishing he had been the one to come up with such a perfect pun.

Yeah...being scrutinized by a potential oppressor was able to make him humiliate himself _that_ much.

Matsuri sighed with closed eyes before staring at the young man in front of him with...frustration and somewhat fondness.

And the young man felt disgusting, smiling calmly at his supervisor only because he didn't find him totally repulsive or undesirable...

...and that went both ways, for Matsuri wasn't the only one to see the other as a new chance. A new chance at...something.

Haise had done it too, accepting that coffee during the last few nights because he thought some people had it worst than him...because he could do it.

He could overcome his fear of the man. He could force himself to appreciate his personality. And he could easily imagine his possessiveness as a way to show how much he cared for him, or his threats as a form to express his determination in obtaining what he wanted.

He could do it, he felt capable enough to craft yet another persona for him to hide behind, another mask for him to wear.

After all, he had created Sasako to be careless and fun, and Yami was born to escape from repercussions from reality itself.

But Haise felt disgusting either way, just by thinking about such a possibility.

"...is there really nothing else but this for me?"

_Ui asked you if you needed help..._

"Everything is okay...I got this...I can do it."

_Shouldn't you be more careful with your pitiful heart, my dear Haise?_

"He's kind to me...he smiled at my awful joke."

 _Suuuuure_ , the voice mocked in a eye-rolling tone. _You're so cheap even for your usual standard...aren't you more ambitious?_

Matsuri was watching him from above, apparently concerned with his employee's lack of response at some question or whatever...but Haise was staring at him without even seeing his face.

Too engrossed in his self-hatred tendencies to care about his supervisor's reaction to that kind of catatonic behavior.

_Sell yourself off to the man...and fake being happy until he gets to toss you over in a dumpster after he's finished._

When Matsuri tried to touch him in order to shake him gently out from his stupor, Haise suddenly jerked back with closed eyes and shaking limbs.

The older man's voice came in a sorrowful but stern tone, reaching Haise's perception of reality before the young man could open his eyes.

«...go home, Haise. Go to sleep...(I've overworked you too much.)»

The young man had heard some of it, but not the whole sentence.

Too focused on listening to the voice behind his closed eyes.

_Yeah...Haise. No one wants you here...go back to sleep._

And he rushed out of his own office without looking at the man, grabbing his duster coat and satchel while muttering his excuses with a cracked voice.

He didn't have to wait for the elevator to come by, for its doors opened at his arrival.

He collided with someone who was stepping out of the car, nocking off some of their belongings to the ground in the impact, but Haise was too far gone to notice who had left the elevator.

He didn't even cared when he felt a pair of glasses break under his heel in the rush to climb in.

He had just the time to get a glimpse of that person's back while they crouched down to retrieve their personal effects from the floor before the door closed.

And then he watched his reflection on the inside of the doors...

...smiling at him with a pitiless grin on his face.

*

It turned out, when he got home, that he had very little to do to occupy his mind with.

Or, at least...he had very little to do after having been occupied with reorganizing his closet's contents by color gradations and cleaning the entirety of the Chateau.

And filling up the fridge. And polishing the mirrors (without really looking at them).

And cooking dinner before 4 pm.

He didn't want to listen to the news, not after the discovery of the last one of Torso's victims...the young man wasn't exactly in the mood for that kind of television content, not at all thrilled to have to hear about yet another murder by the infamous psychopath.

He had left all of his books at the office, so even studying was not something he could achieve easily...although, admittedly, he could have always tried to review some of his knowledge by memory alone, for he was quite gifted in the subject.

But even that seemed to be too much even for him.

He was tired indeed.

So much he had troubles with focusing even on the ceiling above his bed, after crushing on the mattress at the end of his chores.

However, he sure wasn't going to sleep.

Sleep had always been a way to escape reality for him, or at least a coping mechanism to elaborate some of the situations that made him uncomfortable on a regular basis.

Some strange encounter on the train, an unwanted caress to the inner thighs during a movie, people shouting at him after some small incident in the morning rush to the office...there were a lot of things that made Haise desire to hide in his bed.

Still.

After the years of hard work he had spend in order to overcome his anxiety.

But, out of everything else, humiliation was what had always drove him to a quick escape, leading him to his home after work or after one rough situation so that he could bundle up in warm covers and filter his emotions through the soft fabrics of dreams alone.

Weren't dreams supposed to help the brain reorganize thoughts and informations collected during the day? And Haise had been able to do just fine in the past by going back home and bury himself under comforters and pillows, not at all bothered by how socially unacceptable seemed to be napping in the afternoon.

And usually sleep could grant him just what he wanted.

But not that day.

Not after memories of "her" had infested his mind in front of Matsuri.

Not after he had remembered exactly how dangerous it was sleeping when Evil was lurking nearby.

And even if "she" wasn't there physically...her ghost lingered in his mind still, frightening him to death at the sole thought of letting his guard down.

Then, a vicious and nagging idea crossed his mind leaving him breathless for a moment.

He turned his head to the right, looking at the bathroom door next to his closet, knowing all too well what exactly had been hiding in the cabinet behind the toilet mirror. It had been a while since the last time the young man had deemed necessary relying on those red pills, but right at that time the thought of using them again felt incredibly alluring.

An easy escape from everything that was happening to him.

They were different from the pills he had taken (probably, for as far as he could remember) every single day of his life, and way more dangerous than anything that had ever been prescribed to him.

And those tiny little precious red pills could have actually killed him in more occasions that he liked to admit.

But they had been a benediction since he had remembered "her", roughly three months before.

Haise rose from his bed, walking slowly but surely down the small path that let to the bathroom.

He opened the door and avoided his reflection's eyes intense gaze. With mechanical and empty movements, the young man opened the cabinet behind the mirror and took the small plastic bottle in his right hand. He closed the cabinet and looked at the container while he unscrew the safety cap. He noticed how few of those pills he had to spare, and distantly thought that he would have to ask Furuta for more next time.

He wondered how many he would have been able to ingest to reset his whole life without dying in the attempt.

And he was still staring at the red pills with desperate and quiet fascination...when his phone chimed at the arrival of a new message.

However, Haise shook himself out of his contemplating state only after the third text, closing hastily the cap before shoving distractedly the bottle in his pocket.

And while the right hand hid the vile container in one pocket, the left hand fished the cellphone from the other one, all without Haise noticing a thing.

*From TK to YAMI: _...what kind of name is Yami of all things?_  
*From TK to YAMI: _It kinda sucks as a username._  
*From TK to YAMI: _Anyway...it's Touka, do you wanna meet?_

Haise forgot about the pills for a while, surprised to find a genuine smile on his own face.

*To TK from YAMI: _That was not very nice._  
*TK is typing...

A pause, suddenly Touka seemed to think better than to lash out at someone she was hoping to have sex with.

*TK is typing...  
*From TK to YAMI: _Well? You up for it?_

Haise considered her proposal for a moment before answering, sustaining his weight onto the sink with a hand.

*To TK from YAMI: _Do you want me to take that dirty cat of my wig with me?_

He was a bit unsure about that last remark, feeling like he was asking for her opinion on some strange role-play-thing.

But he had to think otherwise when she responded after a while.

*From TK to YAMI: _...yes please._

*

Much to Yami's appreciation, Touka had a washing machine.

And a very nice one at that.

It had been a pleasure indeed to make the girl scream on top of the humming and purring appliance while talking sweet nothings in between her legs.

And she appeared to enjoy that little gesture of consideration as well, curling her toes on Yami's back with her spine arched in pleasure. Calling the name of her previous lover with voiceless whispers, pressing her guest's face deeper and deeper into her throbbing core by grabbing at their nape.

And air seemed to be lighter somehow, translucent in its damp weightlessness: rays of golden light coming through the windows ripping their senses into million pieces, sharpening their perceptions while the both of them slithered on the floor in a tangle of limbs and delusions.

Yami melted softly again and again, kissing every inch of Touka's body to earn anything she had still to give.

Too amazed by their shared sensations to care about their own desire to please the girl in any possible way. Uncharacteristically willing to give in to a little more teasing instead of satisfying their sole needs first. But Touka was so beautiful, spread on the ground while her pale hair encircled her head like an halo, warm and pliant, rough and tight...  
...so beautiful it hurt.

*

Breathless from her last high, panting softly next to him, Touka asked for a cigarette, but Haise had none to spare.

The girl tuned her head in his direction, looking at him with curiosity and mistrust.

«...is this all we have?», she asked, suddenly very serious and not that interest in a drag anymore.

Haise considered her question for a long time before answering, restraining himself from scratching at his wig under his discomfort's pressure.

«I'm afraid so...», he settled for, knowing all too well she was referring to their actual relationship.

Knowing all to well she was using him to overcome her loss...to exorcise the demons that kept her awake at night.

But he found himself guilty of that very same crime, relying on her when nobody else was allowed to see him like that.

Touka smiled sadly at him, scooting over to take one of his hands in hers.

And Haise smiled back, genuinely moved by her willingness to keep him around, grabbing at her hand before kissing it softly.

*

They had reached an agreement that afternoon, before Touka had to go to work in the underground club.

Every weekend –during Saturday and Sunday–, before her shift, they met at her apartment, had sex, and then talked while drinking coffee by the window. And, actually, it was comforting for Haise knowing that Touka wanted to rely on him just as much as he did.

He didn't talk quite as much as her, but surely he enjoyed the enthusiasm slipping through her words whenever she was talking about her biology major courses at Kamii.

The young man had some troubles still with balancing his emotions while being in her company, for shifting back and forth from Yami's to his own identity had become pretty exhausting after a while...but he managed.

Sex needed few verbal interactions between them and it was easier for him to connect to Yami's attitude, being driven from instincts alone. Listening required patience and even a blank expression was enough in most cases.

He didn't have to smile if he didn't want to, nor he had to force his laughs at Touka's awful jokes.

He didn't have to help her with her life, nor he was supposed to fix anything about her.

He didn't have to face his insecurities while being with her, nor he felt the need to express his doubts.

But he was gentle with her afterwards, waiting for her to climb down from her delusions and unheeded hopes. And he would always embrace her to stop her from crumbling away at the memory of her past lover.

...and he was willing to do all of those things, even if they never agreed to talk about this Kaneki person in the first place.

Their relationship was so easy to slip in, like a quiet and placid lake of comfortable silences and pulsing satisfying needs, that the young man had soon become unable to think about any other way to spend his weekends.

Sometimes it was difficult for Haise to recognize the thin line between pleasure and pain, for Yami could still be one hell of an asshole to deal with, as much as they had been tamed.

And, for as much as Yami could learn to put others' needs before their own, sometimes they had been rougher than necessary to Touka.

But then, in those moments, she had always revealed herself to be driven and passionate as well, competing with Yami for dominance until the both of them would have found themselves dumbfounded and tired on the ground. Burned out like cigarettes on a slimy counter.

However, usually the just laughed it off after their strife, too overwhelmed by their afterglow to care about the bruises or the bites on their skin.

At the end of every week, they would have discovered to have matching scars on their bodies. And they would have confronted them in front of a cup of coffee every time they humored each other's inability to cover up the signs decently enough with makeup alone.

And that afternoon they were doing just that, looking at each other's collarbones to inspect their newly acquired marks, when something hit Haise with sudden and appalling urgency.

Touka had been sitting on the counter of her tiny kitchen for a while, dressed in only that ugly yellow sweater of hers, with a foot in the sink and a leg dangling quietly from her position, sipping from her favorite mug with a silly bunny on depicted on the surface.

Haise, on the other hand, had listened to her talking about her sister's last shenanigans, drinking from a crippled cup while fidgeting with his wig, now useless on his knees while he sat on the washing machine.

And he nodded at something she had just said...before he had the chance to understand what was happening.

He had drank Touka's coffee many times since that fateful Friday evening, on the 23rd of April, but he had always welcomed the cup that was being offered to him with no hopes whatsoever to savor its contents.

Unable to taste...unable to feel...unable to connect with others by enjoying what they had made for him to accept.

But that day things become to change, for Haise was finally capable of sensing something for the first time in two months.

And when Touka reached for his face, in order to chase the tears that threatened to roll down his eyes, the young man didn't find the gesture unwelcoming or terrifying, leaning into her touch with gratefulness and fondness.

Looking at her with a glaze so warm and relieved it could have melted even the most cruel person on the Earth.

«...Yami?», she tried to catch his attention, caressing his cheek with a concerned expression.

«My name is Haise.», the young man absentmindedly retorted, feeling like he had resurfaced from a frightening nightmare...

...like he had awakened from a wasteland of fog and despair.

Touka, after a moment of silence, smiled softly at that, unaware of the slow awakening of

Haise's sensations afters weeks of a dull and fleeting existence.

Unaware of that young man's reaction to the realm of perceptions after years of aimless wandering into the depths of his soul.

«...nice to meet you, Haise.», she welcomed him, calling his name with effortless affection and understanding.

And even if she knew nothing about his struggles, Haise didn't care...

...for he felt happiness after centuries of fear alone.

*

May came and went, blowing away its days like cherry blossom petals in the wind, making way for the upcoming monsoon season with thunderous nights.

Everything felt pulsing in its urgency...every action, every plan, every hour seemed a little too intense for him to bear.

Haise had never been more aware of how temporary his newfound happiness was, spending his days studying for a position he didn't want while enjoying his life for what it was.

Suddenly the world had become more vivid in his perception of reality, and while his sense of taste was growing accustomed to bitter sensations, his smell seemed to increase by the weeks...hitting him at any given moment with the intensity of every inhale.

And life seemed to have found ground in his lungs once more when he walked down a street skirted by basswoods.

And nights appeared to be more tender and gentle, any time he cupped his mug in his office and smelled the sweet aroma of Matsuri's coffee.

And cooking for his kids had become easier for him since he was finally able to sense when something was going to burn on the stove...

...little things that made his life worth living.

One day at a time.

Skies were higher then ever, surrounding Tokyo's tall buildings with their lilac clouds at dusk, eating up the city with their shadowing jaws before nine o'clock.

The morning rush of commuters beat the time with hurried steps and busy trains, devoting their restless breaths to death itself, who watched them closely from above.

Stress and hunger were munching away the citizens bit by bit, bite after bite, growing like a disease dwelling through the cracks of sanity and reason, transforming the town into a cemetery of living corpses...

...but rain falling on him smelled like hydrangeas, his red umbrella closed in his hand under the beating drops, and Haise loved every single moment of that twisted, caged life of his.

Not caring one bit about other people ogling him from under their black umbrellas with incredulous stares of disdain.

Because life was intense.

Because life was present.

Because life was anew.

*

Everyone had noticed the changing in his mood.

Touka had been particularly insistent on the matter, stressing the fact that (apparently) getting frequently laid had made him more spontaneous with her.

Furuta had stopped sexting him, but seemed otherwise content in calling him frequently enough...enjoying Haise's compliance towards his attempts at phone-sex way too much for his own good.

Takizawa had been happy to listen to his rambling every once in a while, willing to hear him talk about the kids for hours without a single complain, while Akira often mentioned how energetic he was whenever they met at the CCGS' building.

Amon had kidnapped him every time he came visit his wife from the precinct, forcing the young man to join him and his friends for a drink after work.

Ui came by his office every once in a while and chatted amiably with him, talking about his own kids and sometimes about his sister, making him laugh anytime he described in excruciating detail some of his sister's attempts at socializing while being drunk.

Shao had begun to bribe her way into Saiko's mentor acceptance, by showing up by his desk every week with baked goods that Haise was finally able to taste...even if that would have never granted permission to her to marry his baby girl.

And the kids...well, they had been busy with their life.

So much that Haise himself was barely able to see them during the day.

But everyone seemed to have welcomed their guardian's change, excited to see him chatting happily about his day at work whenever he got some time to spare in their company.

And even if none of them appeared to be too keen on letting Haise give them a lift to the Academy in the mornings, they understood how much he wanted to share his happiness with his kids.

So no one had the heart to deprive the young man of his amusement...even if this would have meant dying by the hands of Fate for permitting Haise to drive in the first place.

Shirazu had become self-conscious about his grades once again, but now was willing to lean on his guardian whenever they found themselves alone at the Chateau, asking him questions about his subjects without fear of being a burden anymore.

His smiles spontaneous and his laughter fresh, relaxed and curious while seating next to Haise at the kitchen counter on his stool.

Flipping through the pages of his texts with bright eyes and highlighters in both hands.

For as much as Saiko's sleep schedule had become messed up in the previous weeks, the girl seemed more energetic than ever, dragging her brothers into the depths of anime marathons on the Internet or forcing them to experience the evils of action role-playing games late at night.

Her attitude had gradually changed since Haise's awakening from his depressive phase, indeed. So much that it had made the young man suspicious, but not enough to enquire the girl.

Urie and Mutsuki, on the other hand...unfortunately they had been lost.

Completely so.

Too engrossed in each other's attention to be aware of anyone in their surroundings, let alone in the Chateau.

Generally the rest of them tried to leave the two alone, but now Saiko's snickering jokes and Shirazu's pranks were directed at the couple everyday with newfound anticipation and commitment.

A lot of planning was involved too, since Urie could sense their mischievous intentions from kilometers apart, but every time the two of them were able to pull a good trick on them usually the stern boy dismissed the think with no murderous intent.

Like when Saiko had covered from floor to ceiling Mutsuki's bedroom walls with pages upon pages of her new creation: a hand-made manga adventure called "Urie 200.000%", where a bulky, monster-like version of (a purple??) Urie had to find true love in order to become human once again. Mutsuki had laughed so much at the sight of the plates that poor Urie had to suck it up and let it go.

Everything to "protect Mucchan's smile", as Saiko had helpfully prompted.

Mutsuki had begun studying hard for his finals in order to get on top of the list of candidates for the scholarship in Berlin, and Urie was trying very hard not to feel unproductive while waiting for Professor Aura to give him some news about his future.

Since he hadn't been able to begin the draft of his thesis project because of his supervisor's speculations about the Washuus' interest in him, the boy had spent most of his time training, painting, and helping Mutsuki with German.

He was infrequently at home, though, always at the Academy's gym or out for errands.

And Haise should have been preoccupied, or at least remorseful at the idea of being the one bound to snatch away his first son's dream.

He should have spoken to Professor Aura to prevent her from getting Urie's hopes too high on the matter of his transferring to Berlin.

He should have suggested the kid to make a draft for his thesis "just in case".

He should have done all of this things before the beginning of June...

...but the truth was that he didn't care.

Not in the sense that he didn't find important Urie or Mutsuki's feelings, or that the young man felt nothing at the thought of being in the way of his kids' happiness.

He simply wasn't able to think about the consequences of his actions while he felt so energetic and full of life. He simply hadn't any time to spare in order to concentrate on those kind of things. He simply wasn't focused enough to put himself in someone else's shoes...

...for Haise had so much going on in his mind to care about.

He remembered to have felt like that in the past but, when he had tired to think about the times he had experienced such vitality and strength, the young man had found the task at hand too difficult to be fulfilled.

And he wasn't even sure it had ever occurred to him before the incident...but he remembered clearly the days of euphoria after his graduation, or the weeks of rush and vibrant emotions at Urie's arrival at the Chateau.

And there had been other times as well...

...but never so empowering as the present one.

Emotions dripped out of him like he was a overflowing stream, and he was a river that never strayed from its course...but was able to obliterate every form of life in the forest if it wanted to.

And while other people were fading like the trees under the influence of the seasons, Haise felt unfazed and almighty...oblivious of the times his flowing sensation had left his heart void and dry like a drained rill.

However, while walking through the crowd in the morning towards the office, Haise could feel it.

He could sense his steps ringing like bells with dazzling precision, among the clashing and trailed pace of his coworkers.

He could see the world showing him its beautiful colors, while others kept their eyes on the ground or their newspapers.

He could breathe with every part of his body, understanding others's feelings just by looking at them.

And he never felt more light in his life, nor he had ever been more connected with people like he was in that very moment.

Phone-calls weren't a problem anymore, and reading through the pages of his cases had ceased to be a torture for him to endure.

Driving was a pleasure instead of a constant reminder of his own mortality, and sometimes he didn't even have to sleep in order to feel refreshed in the morning after studying during the night.

Suddenly he had found himself in an impressionist painting, walking around like he was the only one able to see the brush strokes that constituted reality.

In little less than a month, the young man had finally understood how sublime and precious the world had always been.

Even if he still kept those pills in his satchel or pockets at any given moment, not at all ready to leave them in the trash where they belonged.

Haise was too busy indeed to keep track of time in itself...let alone keep count of the times he had overlooked someone else's necessities.

He was too distracted by his sensations to be aware of the repercussions of his elated state of mind.

Too fascinated by the sight of the golden daffodils...

...to fear the bite of the centipedes crawling underneath.

*

His thoughts were fast, his brain caught up quickly with the informations at hand, and his practically inexistent sleep schedule had somewhat sharpened his reasoning.

And even if his memory had always been exceedingly good with processing notions in a short amount of time, thanks to his new acuity he didn't have to read twice the same page to ingrain its contents in his mind.

Actually, he wasn't even patient enough to highlight anything with his markers, and wasting time with post-it-notes and mock-tests seemed too much for him to bear during the night.

Caffeine had little to no effect on him, but he made sure every night to take some time from his studying to savor his coffee by his office window.

Every time he got back from the restroom he had found a steaming cup on his desk, and he marveled at how disgusting the coffee from the department cafeteria was...but enjoyed its warming effect nonetheless.

After that time in April, Matsuri had never addressed the coffee matter anymore.

And Haise though to have understood the reason.

The young man felt positive towards the idea of being in the right this time.

His supervisor had tried to atone his actions by giving Haise the time he needed to process everything that had happened.

Matsuri felt actually sorry for cornering him in that uncomfortable situation, and he had tried to be supportive from afar by distancing himself until Haise would have been ready. Only a huge dork would have waited every night for his employee to go to the restroom before bringing coffee on his desk.

And Haise was actually moved at the thought.

So much he had decided to make his move that very night, before Matsuri's departure from the office, before the usual time the young man went to the toilet.

He was committed.

May the 23rd was the fated day.

And no one could have stopped him from his plan...not even himself.

*

The thing was that he felt lonely.

He had discovered that while walking to the office in the morning.

That day he had wandered around in search of a cab after he had stepped down from the wrong train: with his car out of gas, he had rushed out of home with the kids, urging them to leave him behind if necessary.

And they had done just that, running for the last train without waiting for him to keep up with them (but they had been long forgiven, since the lot of them would have had a test that morning), leaving him to fend for himself in order to catch...well, the wrong train.

He wasn't late for work, but neither on time.

But while being surrounded by strangers –something that would have made him nervous beyond recognition until few week before–, looking out of the windows and taking in the sight of Tokyo buildings from his seat, Haise had felt alone.

He had no one to feel excited with about his ability to look into someone else's eyes without problems.

He had no one to share his happiness with at the thought he didn't have to be Sasako anymore to stay near others without freaking out.

He had no one to sit with and enjoy a comfortable silence in their vicinity.

And when he had stepped down from the train, running out of the station in order to get on the first bus at hand, the young man had found himself slowing down his pace in front of a familiar bookshop on the main lane.

He had looked inside from the windows, a bit self-consciously at that, searching for that stranger who had quoted Hakushuu's work that Sunday morning, in mid-April still.

But only the blond-haired shop assistant seemed to be in sight, chatting easily with a tall and well dressed man who appeared to be a costumer.

Near them, another clerk had been on the point of joining them...up until he had seen Haise looking in their direction.

Suddenly all the three of them had turned in his direction, glaring at him with confused expressions from inside the shop.

And Haise fled, beating himself up over the fact that he had dared too much.

What had he been thinking? To find the white-haired stranger in such a place a second time?

The young man had rushed to the CCGS's building swearing to never search for him again.

But that did nothing to improve his mood all day, and Haise had discovered that he could still be upset while being so overwhelmingly happy with his life.

And he didn't want to feel upset anymore.

He didn't want to be uncomfortable with himself.

He didn't want to put on Sasako's mask only to feel at ease with others.

He didn't want to hide anymore...he wanted to be fulfilled in every aspect of his life, even if he would have to force himself to do so.

Because, for as much as sexually active he was, knowing to feel nothing but loneliness was enough to make him frustrated.

Touka's touch and comforting embrace had been able to ground him when in need, but she had made clear with her actions and silences that she didn't want to befriend him in order to seek a romantic relationship.

For what he had understood, he shared a striking resemblance with her previous lover and –beyond those laughs and jokes they shared in front of a cup of coffee– she seemed somewhat uncertain about pursuing a similar bond with him.

In fact, still to that day she used to murmur their name under her breath when focused on pleasure alone...and she never questioned whenever Haise showed up at her door with his black wig already in place.

They were broken people after all and, for as much as they had grown attached to each other during those last weeks...they still had a long way to go in order to find peace.

Furuta, on the other hand, had detached himself both physically and emotionally from the equation, seemingly content with the sporadic phone-sex every once in a while.

They rarely chatted about their lives, but recently the twenty-four year old man had showed his concern towards the consequences of his drug abuse by joking heavily about his inability to get hard when on set.

Very few were casting him anymore for the dominant role and he appeared too old for interpreting the submissive one. Directors only called him for kink-play and low-budget productions, cutting back his income any time he wasn't able to come properly.

And he stressed so much the fact that "he was alright with that change of pace" that it got Haise suspicious about his constant calling late at night.

Maybe he was feeling at loss, or maybe he didn't have any friends to rely on a part from him...in any case, Furuta never asked to meet him, not even for a party like he used to before April.

Touka and Furuta were unavailable for what Haise had in mind.

Matsuri, on the other hand, was not.

And even if Haise still felt uncomfortable at the idea of giving the man a chance, his restless and hopeful mind was telling him otherwise.

He felt great, that little voice in his head was not a problem anymore, and he was sure everything was going to be okay.

But what Haise was unaware of was that the little voice still existed...

...suffocated by all the colorful thoughts running down the walls of his skull and filling up his mind.

Lurking. Hiding. Waiting for him to explode.

And when Haise found himself in front of Matsuri's office, to ask his supervisor to drink coffee together, the young man had no idea what would have happened to him.

He simply though nothing of the stiffness in his shoulders, or the trembling of his hands. He overlooked the signs, interpreting them as mere excitement...instead of warnings.

Because, for as much as he felt confident in his actions...  
...he was not able to face them indeed.

*

When Matsuri noticed him by the door, the young man felt his heart beating up heavily in his ribcage.

And when his supervisor rose from his chair to approach him, Haise swallowed a hard lump before speaking.

But when he declared his intentions, stating that "he wanted to surprise the other this time around", he mistook his feeble voice as an indication of nervousness instead of fear.

Once he had spoken his mind, Matsuri had regarded him with a perplexed expression...before heaving a sigh.

«...well, I was going to call it a day anyway.», the man said, leading the way to the department cafeteria.

He seemed tired, more than usual, and he had taken off his spectacles to rub the bridge of his nose and his closed eyelids.

He was so tired that, when they arrived by the cupboard above the sink, he even took the wrong mug for Haise to fill, selecting for him not the usual white ceramic cup but a different one entirely. The young man though none of it, looking at Matsuri's tired face with what he was sure to be concern...

...only a tiny bit disappointed by the cup matter.

They talked quietly, standing nearby the door leading to the main hall, leaning on the doorframe with their coffee in hand.

Haise was able to earn a couple of smiles from his supervisor, who had watched him with tender eyes under the shadows of his exhausted traits.

And the man was on the point of saying something, right before finishing their coffee...when two of the six elevators on the floor chimed simultaneously, catching his attention.

On the other hand, Haise had felt too embarrassed with himself to care about who had arrived so late at night at the department, but he had to shook himself out of his self-consciousness when he noticed Matsuri retrieve his briefcase from one of the tables in the cafeteria.

The man had already put his mug in the sink, without even cleaning it, perhaps in a rush to leave after someone had interrupted them.

Fidgeting with the gray cup in his hands, Haise watched his supervisor with a bashful but hopeful expression, like a puppy waiting to be petted by its owner.

But that caress never came from Matsuri, who looked one last time in his employee's direction before departing with his briefcase in hand.

«Goodnight, Haise.», he said while surpassing him at the cafeteria door, whispering quietly his name like he feared to be heard by whoever was approaching them.

And the young man followed with unhappy eyes his boss's stride, watching him greeting coldly a woman in the hall before disappearing into one of the elevators.

Leaving without a second glance towards him.

Only then Haise noticed exactly how many visitors had stepped down from the elevators, trying to distract himself from the sense of loss he was experiencing.

A group of –at least– ten people were currently making their way to the department library, but they proceeded with careful steps and in perfect silence. Something that would have never caught Haise's attention...if not for the fact that most of those people seemed to be teenagers.

And no one under twenty years old dared to step into Matsuri's reign.

A part from Shao, obviously. But the tall girl was nowhere in sight...

...contrary to the woman Haise's supervisor had greeted just moments prior.

Who was entering the cafeteria that very moment.

«I'm sorry for the ruckus...there are more kids than usual this time.», she apologized with a quick bow, before making her way towards the cupboard to retrieve some mugs, «I've never seen you around here, we've probably disturbed you, didn't we?», she absentmindedly asked, not facing Haise in the slightest, too preoccupied with the cups to address him eye to eye.

More that her somewhat rude behavior, what surprised Haise was the way she moved easily around the small kitchenette, like she owned the place and whatever had been hiding in the pantry, the cupboards, and even the fridge.

She was of average high, her body lean, and her hair dyed of a soft rose color.

And something led Haise to think he had already seen her small hart-shaped face...but he found out he had no recollection of her.

«We're from the Phycology Department.», she continued, crouching down in front of the small fridge to inspect its contents with a dubious frown, talking like Haise should have known those things already, but not with unkindness, «Mr Matsuri Washuu let us stay in your library until someone fix the mess that is our own archive. We had to move our books to another room while some pipes needed to be fixed...but it's taking more time than what had been put into account. And now our kids are forced to study somewhere else for their all-nighters...so, sorry for the inconvenience.»

Haise approached her with curiosity, fascinated by her way with words, unable to stop himself from imagining a raccoon in search of food in stead of the young woman at his feet.

He asked her what was that she needed in the fridge, and she happily asked him to find some milk for the coffee.

After retrieving the aforementioned item from the depths of the fridge (which had been hidden by one of his colleagues behind a container full of salad), the young man politely asked her about the coffee...trying to not sound too condescending or patronizing.

After all, those Psychology majors had been stealing their supplies from the Attorney Department for who knows how many days!

«Usually it's my boss who bothers with this kind of things, but he asked me to take care of it tonight. The kids need some fuel to function properly.»

Even if he was still dubious about the all ordeal, Haise had to admit it was very considerate of such a supervisor to care for their coworkers left astray, and he told her so, earning a smile from the girl. He preferred to keep the "stealing-part" of the situation for himself, specially after seeing her smiling so brightly at the mention of her boss's good disposition.

«Isn't it great of him? Tonight he left as soon as we entered your department, leaving the kids with me waaay before his usual...but he was probably tired. He wakes up every day at five o'clock, only to come here before anyone else to retrieve anything the kids might have left in you library.», she said, filling up the cups with precise movements without losing her silver tongue.

«We try to put everything back in order before leaving for the night...but we always mange to miss something, so he gets it back for us in the morning. And he even refill your pantry and fridge...probably because he doesn't want to get on your boss's nerves even more, at least while we stay here thanks to him. Furthermore, his assistant left him some months ago and now he's struggling a little with the associates's work and so on.», she added, getting all of the mugs on two trays before searching for some snacks in the cupboards.

«On top of that, he has his usual patients to take care of, and his deputy is currently on paternity leave. This issue with our department library on the thirtieth floor has been cause of concern as well...so everyone is very stressed at the moment. But Mr Matsuri Washuu has been considerate enough to let us stay here, at least until everything is still a mess in our offices.»

That, out of everything else, touched Haise's heart deeply.

Unlike Akira, who worked from home and got to check on her mail and documents by the headquarters only in the weekend, people of the thirtieth floor usually held their conferences and counseling sessions inside the CCGS's building, and the same went for their students whenever they were in need of a place to read in peace.

But if their library had been in such bad conditions, it wouldn't have been a surprise for those poor kids to search for another place to study.

And the archives nearby the Attorney Department library could have revealed themselves useful to have around, in case the students were interested in reviewing some old pro-bono cases or some other report from child welfare officials.

Actually, Matsuri had a brilliant idea in welcoming those students into their department.  
Haise marveled at the thought, cupping his mug with both hands on the sink, holding onto it for a little more before opening the streaming water to clean it.

He felt uncomfortable now that he had discovered the presence of the students in his department...months after their arrival. He told so to the girl, who chuckled in response, not at all bothered by the paralegal's lack of attention towards the kids' needs.

«Oh well, we're very quiet. And most of the kids are afraid of your boss...so no one has even dared to breathe since we got here two months ago.», she explained, counting down the number of energy-bars she had been able to snatch away from Haise's department...without a single regret while doing so under his nose, apparently.

«Maybe your office is far away from the main hallway where your department library is...but even then, usually we are very few. Today's been an exception, since finals are right around the corner and a lot of them has troubles with studying at home. But rest assured we'll be quiet, don't worry.», she concluded, asking him with pleading eyes to help her bringing all those goods to the library.

«I'm Ihei Hairu, please take care of us while we're setting camp in your quarters.»

Haise welcomed her in his department, introducing himself while balancing the trays on his hands, already forgotten about his unawareness of the Psychology majors' presence in his offices for the last two months.

And the two of them chatted easily on their way to the library, which was indeed located on the other side of the department floor in contrast with the young man's office.

Or, at least, they were talking amiably with each other...until they opened the doors of the room to reveal a bunch of teenagers huddled by the tables in desperate need of coffee...

...and one of them raised from his chair and looked at Haise with blazing eyes and a index finger pointed in his direction.

«Mr Sasaki!», came the disbelieving shout from a ever-so-confident Touma Higemaru...who had tried to corner Haise for the past four weeks, with no success whatsoever.

«You're not going to escape now...not until you'll assure me that Genie is never gonna marry my Saiko!»

Haise heaved a sigh of frustration before welcoming Ui's kid with a condescending smile on his face.

And that, in retrospect, had probably been the beginning of everything.

*

Finals season was indeed around the corner.

So much that the kids from the Psychology Department kept growing in number during the nights, forcing Matsuri out of the office way before his usual...in order to escape the annoying crowd of teenagers.

This, indeed, was the only possible explanation that Haise had been able to find to understand his supervisor's behavior.

The man had become angrier and angrier, growling out orders instead of discussing politely with his coworkers.

But, for as many people had been invading his domain, Matsuri never tried to avoid his favorite employee, seeking him more than he had ever done in the past.

Their interactions were barely balanced in terms of power as they had been up until the invasion, for Matsuri exercised more authority than ever while being in Haise's company.

It was like the man needed to manhandle somebody in order to regain his composure during the morning, and that meant that Haise had to endure his boss's demands by lowering his head and get some work done.

Although, admittedly, the young man didn't find the change in mood particularly hard to digest, since Matsuri's constant reassurance about his proficiency were able to fulfill Haise's need for attention and acknowledgment.

After all, even if he starved for affection and care, the fact that Matsuri needed him that much was enough for him.

He could show his supervisor how valuable he could be, and how loyal and good he was willing to be for him.

"...how much I am worth.", he often caught himself thinking, while checking some contract for loopholes or mistakes.

Their little coffee silent agreement, however, had ceased.

Leaving early to avoid the ever-multiplying kids from the thirtieth floor, Matsuri seemed to have other priorities than making sure Haise would find a steaming cup and a snack on his desk every night.

And the young man preferred to not get on his nerves by addressing the matter any further.

However, for as lonely as he could feel, Haise had to admit that being around Hairu's kids was a remedy for almost every symptom of melancholy...

..."almost" was the key word, unfortunately.

Getting coffee with Hairu every night was fun, and helping her out was no bother at all: her supervisor had become especially busy, tired beyond recognition as the young woman had described him to Haise.

And with no one around to ask for help, she relied on him to bring food supplies for her poor kids.

Higemaru pestered Haise on a regular basis, but he seemed to be enough preoccupied with his studies to leave him alone most of the times. His Psychology major peers seemed concerned just as much as he was, and the lot of them spent their time in silence by reviewing their notes.

From eleven p.m. to two a.m. the kids studied under Hairu's supervision, each and every one of them being older than eighteen and free to get home safely by their own means.

Haise himself usually got back to the Chateau just before four a.m., bidding goodnight to the watchman only to be welcomed by their substitute five hours later at the beginning of the working day.

It had been stressful for him, back and forth between home and the office, sleeping less and less with the passing days...but what strained him the most was being away from his kids so many hours a day.

He hadn't got the time to bring Saiko to the hairdresser that month, and he had helped Shirazu with his homework only a couple of hours that day.

At dinner Mutsuki had stated he would have to quit his athletic training in order to study even more.

And Urie seemed so engrossed in his exercising recently that he had barely any time left to talk to his mentor.

That night Haise looked at his wristwatch as midnight struck, announcing the beginning of the examination day.

May the 27th was the dreadful day, indeed.

And he was still reviewing his books and notes, even if he knew them by heart at that point.

But suddenly, a knock was heard from his glass door and a smiling Shirazu made his appearance in the office. Haise tried to rose from his chair, but the kid urged him to sit down once again, reassuring him that everything was fine and that he would have been there just for a brief visit.

Haise considered his pupil's insistence with a dubious expression, but welcomed him in his office nonetheless, waiting for him to spill the tea at any given moment. But the kid seemed content enough in looking around, lingering his stare on the books piled up on his mentor's desk.

It was late, and the next morning he would have been in class.

But Haise was happy to see him there, school be damned.

«Sassan...how are you holding up?», the boy asked, approaching his guardian's desk with careful steps. His hands buried in his jeans pockets, eyes tired but not bloodshot.

His mentor had no actual time to respond to his previous question that Shirazu lowered his head with an apologetic expression on his face, causing confusion in Haise's heart at the sight.

«...I haven't kept my promise Sassan. I'm sorry.»

The young man turned his chair so that he could face the boy properly, and asked him what was he talking about.

With a sheepish smile, Shirazu asked Haise if he wanted the others to know about the upcoming examination for the Bar...and his mentor understood.

He smiled, and nodded once at his kid's request.

And suddenly Shirazu grinned from ear to ear, calling his siblings with a shout...waiting for them to show up at Haise's door.

Saiko launched herself in her guardian's embrace, and so did Mutsuki after a while, holding onto him by encircling his head in his arms. Shirazu joined them soon after, embracing the lot of them from above Haise's chair. And finally, Urie appeared, more buff than what Haise remembered thanks to his training, leaning on the door frame of the office.

But even if he was just watching them from afar, he kept a serene and genuine smile on his face.

"You are loved.": this was the only message the kids had wanted to convey with their presence.

And Haise was finally able to feel it, hugging his children and looking at his first son with undying pride and adoration...

...ignoring the cracking and creeping warnings coming from his mind.

 _Are you sure?_ , the voice whispered.

 _Are you positive?_ , the voice scoffed.

No one responded to it that night.

*

Saturday the 4th of June, while the Attorney Department was enjoying a nice evening at the fiftieth floor in the CCGS's headquarters, a huge hand stitched banner saying "Sasaki you are the Real Deal" was being wrapped around poor Haise's shoulders like a cape as his coworkers cheered him.

After having outdone his written test the previous week, the young man had indeed floored the entirety of the degree board at the oral examination.

And now he was finally able to sport the lapel pin that attested his right to practice as a licensed attorney.

Matsuri had finally buried the hatchet with the people from the thirtieth floor, opening the Attorney Department for Haise's friends and coworkers to join their little celebration.

Even the kids had been invited, and Haise felt like bursting in happiness just by looking at his protégés bickering and laughing with the whole lot of the Psychology majors. Hairu had appeared after a while to urge her kids to go back to their studies, and she had proceeded to pry a stubborn (and crying) Higemaru away from Saiko's feet after he had been rejected for the umpteenth time by the girl.

Everyone was having a good time, enjoying their coffees and snacks in the main hall of the fiftieth floor, chatting amiably to each other while admiring the lights of the city at night from the offices windows. And each and everyone of them were having a good time...

...a part from Haise.

Who –after having been made fun of by his kids all night–, was having a difficult time to hear what Akira was saying to him by the phone, since the noise was too much for him to understand her properly.

Furthermore, Matsuri had caught everyone's attention by raising his voice, and was now asking everybody to join him for a toast to Haise's achievement.

«I'm sorry Haise, we couldn't make it.», Akira was saying, repeating over and over again how sorry she was for their absence, «But you should have told me about your intention of taking the examination! I would have organized better our appointments and so on...»

The young man was trying to listen to what his friend was saying to him, unable to catch anything since Matsuri had begun his speech.

Haise's supervisor had indeed gathered around himself all of their coworkers and was now thanking them for their attention.

«Sassan, you should listen to Mr Washuu right now.», Shirazu joked, patting his mentor on the head from above.

«Already slacking off, Maman?», was Saiko's prompt, pronounced with a mouth full of food while she was trying to push Haise from behind toward the crowd. «The old man is surely going to praise you...you better end the call!»

«...but you see...Taki has come home sooner. He's gonna stay for at least two weeks, but after that he'll have to go back to the States and...», Akira kept saying, distracting Haise from his surroundings enough for him to fell at loss in regards of Matsuri's words.

«I would like to thank all of you for your hard work, and I'll make sure to be quick so that you'll be able to go back home early enough to catch some sleep.»

«...sure he seems the type to be quick.»

«Saiko...please refrain from your sexual innuendos for once.»

«Don't ask for the impossible, Mucchan.»

Haise tried to concentrate on Akira's voice on the phone, determined to end the call in the most polite way possible.

«...the thing is, Haise...that we haven't got the chance to tell you something...»

«I would like to make an announcement. And I wanted to wait until now in order to make it fitting for the occasion.»

«Mr Washuu sure loves the sound of his voice.»

«...Ginshi, I beg you. Don't make me laugh in front of all of these people.»

«As you probably know, in the next year there are going to be some changes in regards of our sister-city's management in Germany...»

«Mucchan, I shit you not. That man is as standoffish as humanly possible it can be...so as Urie can be.»

«...what was that, you monkey?»

Haise had to momentarily face away from the kids to hear for what Akira was telling him.

«...we've got the girls!», the woman was saying, bursting with pride and joy.

«And as you may have guessed, our branch has already been making their mind about which candidates to propose for some of the positions that would be vacant by the end of December at the European headquarters.»

«It's their fist day at home...so we couldn't participate at your party. I'm sorry Haise, but Kurona and Nashiro need us right now...»

«Urie, please. It was a joke...just a joke...!»

«Keep telling yourself that, you...asswipe!»

«...not again.», was Mutsuki last complain...when Matsuri voice boomed loudly for everyone to hear.

«And I'm happy to announce you that I will present Mr Sasaki as a candidate for the role of personal secretary of the Berlin head's branch.»

Cheers showered Haise after that, urging him to join Matsuri by the hallway to thank his supervisor for the opportunity he was giving him.

But the young man had no way to recognize any trace of envy or suspicion on his coworkers' faces.

He had no time to understand what had just happened either, nor what Akira had told him exactly about the girls.

Everything went black and white the moment Haise had met Urie's shocked gaze...

...and everything ceased to be clear the instant his first son, his precious kid dashed off the hall, fleeing from the office in a matter of seconds.

Haise went for the chase.

Oblivious to everyone else.

*

Calling his name from above by the stairs was to no avail.

Rushing into the streets did nothing to stop the kid from running away from him.

Bumping into who knows how many people couldn't get him closer to the boy.

But when Haise was finally able to grab his arm in order to make him listen to his words, Urie lashed out at him, swinging his fist so fast it actually hit his mentor on the left eye.

«Don't fucking touch me!», he yelled, hiding his betrayed expression by lowering his head while he kept moving forward.

However, for as much that blow had hurt him, Haise tried with everything he got to follow the kid into the crowd.

He called Urie so many times...he actually forgot how much the boy loathed being called by his first name.

And when Haise dared to call him in that way, Urie turned around in the middle of the crowd to march in his guardian's direction.

«I can't believe you did it!», the boy shouted, angry beyond recognition, «I can't believe you took that away from me! After all I had done to obtain that position!», he growled, shoving his mentor by the shoulders with powerful blows, forcing him to walk backwards.

«You took my future away from me by fucking your own boss!», he continued, pushing Haise again and again, like a murderous bull.

But when the young man tried to explain himself, Urie shoved him to the ground, uncaring of each and every passerby staring at them.

«Tooru and I had planned everything around this chance you took away from us! I didn't even get to work on the draft of my thesis because of what Professor Aura had implied, and now I have to file everything in less than a month. And you...you fucking traitor!

«You assured me Matsuri wanted _me_ for that position! You dared to let _me_ hope for a life far away from this fucking cage of a country! You mislead _me_ for more than a month, telling _me_ to relax and take my time after I have studied so much...you fucking shithead!»

Haise felt panic holding his heart in a clutch so tight each breath hurt him greatly.

«And you did so...while making your way with that slimy bastard, sucking balls-deep his fucking dick under his fucking desk every fucking night!»

After that, the kid flew from Haise's sight, leaving him to get up from the ground by himself...

...unable to cry in front of so many people, looking at him with pity and disdain.

*

«...Teach, where did he go?», came Mutsuki's voice after a while, the young man himself was unsure how many minutes after Urie had run away.

He wasn't even able to focus properly on the boy while indicating the direction Urie had left to, but he noticed how Mutsuki was already leaving him behind.

Haise tried to stop him, clutching at one of the boy's sleeves like a little child adraid of being left alone.

«Now it's not the time.», the boy said without looking at his mentor, proceeding to look for Urie alone if necessary.

And Haise lost the both of them into the crowd.

Unable to distinguish their figures by others...unable to find his own reason among all of those emotions.

Among all of those feelings that were crushing him from the inside.

*

He looked around, aimlessly searching for his kids, asking every passerby if they had saw one of them.

Panicking beyond reason, Haise began to show others pictures of Urie and Mutsuki from his phone, but no one even bothered to stop in their tracks to help him.

He rushed in every place Urie could have withdrawn to, looking for him in parks and galleries and even bridges. He searched and searched...

...until he had lost himself, wandering around with no recollection of the steps that had took him in the lane he was currently on.

Panting furiously while sustaining his weight on trembling legs by the doorframe of a corner-shop, the young man felt his blood boiling behind pulsing eyes.

His ribcage crushing under the pressure of his fears, lungs squeezed out of air after being pushed to the limit, ears pierced by an imaginary alarm going off again and again inside his head...Haise was going crazy.

He fished his cellphone once again from his pocket, calling desperately for Urie or Mutsuki to respond...all to no avail.

After considering to call Shirazu or Saiko instead, the young man thought better of that, knowing how much they would have been worried at the news of Urie's disappearance.

But when he reached Akira's number in his contact list...he stopped.

People were passing nearby his petrified stance, ignoring what was going on in his mind at that very moment.

A photograph showing two smiling young girls was watching Haise back, revealing him what he would have never wanted to know.

Akira had changed her profile picture after three years since her pupil's graduation, tossing him away for good now that she had the girls to take care of.

Kurona and Nashiro were her new kids...and why in the world would have Akira been willing to help him now, the day she had become a mother?

A real one...not just the mentor of some fake like him.

She had left him to fend for himself.

Like "her".

Like..."him", even.

Haise looked around in search of...he couldn't remember.

He kept his eyes unfocused for the whole time while walking aimlessly through the streets of Tokyo, unable to recognize his surroundings or even the direction of his own thoughts.

Lights showered their colorful glares onto him, attracting his eyes at every corner and every lane, forcing him to walking towards them like a moth drawn by a candle flame.

His senses sharpened little by little, saving him from a speeding car right before he could cross a street without noticing the red light, or sparing him from a dangerous encounter only seconds before crushing himself onto a tall, buff, and scary man who was walking in front of him.

Sounds came to his perception once again, stunning him with the intensity of the noises coming from the ever-honking vehicles or with the pointed edge of a child's cry.

He was so at loss that he had no way to even understand how lost he was.

Memories of his younger days spoke to him of when "she" had left them in a mall, or when "he" had abandoned them in the dark for days.

Flashes of a squawking broom closet mingled with reminiscences of people watching their sorry pitiful self from above.

And he was still walking when he felt the shifting sensation of his mind slipping out of his consciousness...and it felt like someone was taking him away from the crowd, holding his hand to guide him where all of those eyes and tingling sensations could reach him no more.

For an unknown reason, Haise imagined Sasako in front of him, leading the way through the people surrounding him...telling him not to worry. Telling him she would have been able to find the way home.

And when he found himself in a nearby lane in front of a car with tinted windows, the young man decided to trust her instead of dwelling in fear.

He opened the car door and stepped inside the vehicle, greeting the driver with Sasako's voice and a blank expression on his face...

...before staring at the void in front of him for the rest of the night.

*

Sasako knew what she was doing, she always did.

While Haise had been too distracted and traumatized to remember how to use a gps system, she had used his phone in order to take him back home.

She had troubles looking at the screen, so it would have been just as much useless for her to recognize directions on a map to guide them home.

However, in spite of everything, she had found way easier to press a single icon on Haise's touchscreen to achieve the best possible outcome.

Hence, the Uber whose services she had benefited from back in April had been contacted through Sasako's account, and he was currently driving them safely at home in his car.

By enabling the driver to know their location with a single check on the App settings, the young woman had solved all of their problems, allowing someone else to find them when they had been lost for hours at least.

Satisfied by her enterprise and clarity of thought, Sasako had led poor Haise into the car, greeting her uber two months since the last time they had met.

She gave him the Chateau address once more, sure he wouldn't be able to remember such a thing after all that time...

«Weren't you a girl last time, miss?», he suddenly asked, reminding Sasako of the embarrassing state she was in at the moment, without her wig and dress.

He probably recognized her by the caller ID when she had asked him for a ride, nothing strange about that.

She chuckled in order to broke the tension, vaguely alarmed for that man to attack her because of her identity. «Oh, you know...sometimes change is good.»

The driver smiled politely at her, keeping up the conversation like nothing happened, «Then you certainly have heard of Madam's, the club in Ni-Chōme.»

Surprised by the man's good disposition towards the subject, Sasako relaxed a bit in her seat, nodding eagerly at the prompt, «I've been there before. Thank you for your suggestion, it was very kind of you.», she answered honestly, pleased to finally meet with tolerance instead of anger outside of a safe space.

«It's now under new management.», the man continued, keeping his eyes on the street, «A friend of mine has acquired the place, and she had done quite a good job with the interior decorating and sound-proofing. It's a lot quieter now than before...less noises coming from the street or the club next to it.»

For as grateful as she was to be treated as a human being for once, Sasako wasn't really prone to spend the rest of the drive chatting with him, but she made an effort to appear polite by nodding and answering with noncommittal sounds to his cues.

«...you seem exhausted.», he considered after a while, looking at her from under his bangs with a careful expression, «It seems to me that you've been running around all night. Have you made sure to drink properly? I would be troubled if you were to suddenly faint in my car.»

Sasako found his words to be true, for she was actually feeling pretty tired after all that searching and walking.

«You could use a drink.», the driver said, adding a polite clarification afterwards, «Oh please, don't misunderstand. I simply care about my costumers and I happen to have a couple of bottles of water in the compartment underneath the chair arm.», he explained, motioning for her to check for herself by her right. «They are sealed. I wouldn't give my clients anything but proper service.», he assured.

Ubers these days sure were trying to please their patrons in any way to be contacted a second time...

The young woman mindlessly opened the compartment he had mentioned, and found two small bottles secured to the bottom of the cache. She took one of them and opened it with a _pop!_...everything to have an excuse to be silent without being actually ill-mannered.

But, after the first sip, Sasko understood that something was wrong, terribly so.

She became limp and lightheaded while being perfectly aware and alert.

The driver smiled with blazing eyes from the rear window, and the young woman felt her blood freezing under the intensity of that glare.

«...I want to introduce you to her. My friend from _Madam_ 's. She's lovely...although a little nuts.», he joked, leading Sasako far away from home.

Far away from everything she had ever called "safe" indeed.

*

They were confused...to say the least.

They didn't remember clearly who they were or what they were doing.

Just a couple of minutes ago they had entered the non-descriptive entrance of a club on the third floor of a tall building on a noisy street.

Someone had been sustaining their weight by the waist even if they were perfectly able to shuffle forward by themselves.

Someone else had been greeting them when they had come to open the door: a woman wearing little to nothing a part from knee-high boots, black lingerie, and a mask covering the lower half of her face.

She had welcomed the both of them into the club, seemingly at ease with whoever had been brought them there...enough at ease to chat friendly with them, a man judging from the voice. The woman had at some point watched closely after having greeted her friend, caressing their sweating face and pinching softly their cheek with gloved fingers.

It had been thanks to her if they had been able to find their way into the club.

Very few people were dancing, for the space was scarce and everyone seemed comfortable in just having a good time in front of some drink, chatting with tier acquaintances.

What had struck them, however, had been the women and girls enjoying their night out: some of them had a beard, some were too tall, some had wide shoulders but narrow hips.

They had been confused by remembering that such a place was a cross-dressing club, not because of the thing in itself...but rather because of their own ability to recognize their surroundings in the first place.

They had been there in the past.

It had been a café at the time, with small booths for conversation and a lovely fitting room for the patrons to choose their outfits for the night. Now the place had changed its appearance: bolder in its choice of music, and certainly less fascinated by pastel colors and non-alcoholic ginger drinks.

The manager herself had changed too, seemingly confident enough to walk around in that kind of outfit while being surrounded by cross-dressing men.

But, for as much as the place had changed, that was none other than _Madam_ 's.

And now...here they were.

Seated in the fitting room in front of a mirror, waiting for the man in front of them to apply makeup on their face.

He had still to choose a dress for them, but he didn't struck like the type to know what could have been their size. Furthermore, he didn't knew how to distribute foundation evenly, nor how to blend correctly eyeshadow from a shade to another. He was simply (and roughly) pressing colors onto their dull and unresponsive face.

However, he had already put a wig on their head, using a disgustingly tight net to tame their hair...something no that they would have never done, for they couldn't stand the itching.

Because it would have urged them to scratch and pull...

...exactly what "her" had give them shit for in their younger years.

«Isn't it nice, this place? Just as I told you.», the man was saying, trying to coat their lashes with mascara without smudges, «Every time I bring someone here, though, I have to share this changing room with other people...and that is a little annoying.», he continued, this time whispering in order to not let other patrons hear him.

They noticed a girl seating by a mirror a couple of seats from their own, chatting friendly with a tall man behind the man who had brought them there.

The tall man looked actually familiar, but they had no way to recognize him given the situation. The girl was dressed as a goth, with long black hair framing her small face, and she was teaching the tall man how to apply makeup in the right way in front of the mirror.

The two of them seemed happy and at ease with each other, experimenting with products and brands just for the sake of enjoying themselves.

When it was _their_ turn to look in the mirror, however, they understood exactly how much they loathed being there in the first place.

The man who had brought them there was currently fixing the caramel-colored wig on their head, urging them to "see how beautiful they were".

The lipstick was in the wrong shade, eyeliner was lopsided by the right eye, blush was too heavy on the apples of their cheeks.

They felt disgusting, and they kept staring into the void while the man continued his little speech.

«But as soon as we'll be alone I will take you home, don't worry. Unfortunately I don't have any of these things at my place...so every time I have a guest I have to stop by and ask Mayu to lend me some. Afterwards, I always make sure to bring the dress and the wig back at least...after all, my guests never get to keep then on enough to ruin them with their blood.», he said, still whispering, grooming tenderly the wig with a soft hairbrush.

«Two months ago I would have never touched a guy, to be honest. But since I met you...something chanced. You were so beautiful I had to find others like you...»

A cold shiver run up their spine at those words, but their expression remained blank nonetheless.

«Yet again...I don't like to make love to a man. So I had to cut everything that reminded me of their flaws...hairy legs, muscular arms and so on. And I always make sure to give Mayu the best parts, since she has her black market thing going on. Testicles are extremely valuable in China, to my understanding...but I don't need money to be happy...your company is enough for me.», he declared, waiting for the other couple to exit the room before continuing.

They had no way to escape, for their body was too weak to function properly.

«I've been waiting for this moment since that fateful day, miss.»

They would have never thought to have met with such a demon the moment they had crossed path with the bulgin-eyed man in his car.

«I'll cut each and every one of those unnecessary parts out of you, don't worry.»

They were staring in front of them, looking at their own gray and empty eyes with fear and hopelessness.

«...why aren't you happy? I'm going to make a woman out of you...as you clearly desire.»

No one knew where they were.

No one knew how to find them.

No one knew they needed help.

«No...no. Why are you crying? Why are you so ungrateful towards me?», he asked, hitting their head with the brush until tears stopped their trail.

_"Why do you have to make a fuss about every little thing in the world?!"_

Memories of "her" flowed into their brain, drowning them in past screams and broken bones.

«I promise to give everything you want, don't worry...», he insisted, caressing their face as soon as they had ceased their crying.

_"...oh don't worry...you're gonna enjoy this very soon, I promise you."_

Flashes of "him" blinded their eyes, making them shiver with dreadful anticipation for the next blow.

«There...see? See how good you are when you put your mind to it?», the man said, unbuttoning the collar of their shirt with skilled gestures.

_"Why can't you be a good boy like the other kids your own age?"_

"Her" voice erupted in their ears, like lava exploding in their pulsing head.

«So lovely...you are so beautiful...so...so...dear to me.», the monster cooed, murmuring in their ear in between pants.

_"...such a nice pussy you are. Count for me, you little cunt."_

"His" whispers crawled under their skin, tearing at their flesh like a saw.

Everything happened quickly after that...

...but they were too lost in the past to understand what was going on in the fitting room.

_"Why can't you be normal like everybody else for once?"_

Out of nowhere, the goth girl had grabbed their capturer by the wrists, forcing him to lower his head to the shelf underneath the mirror.

The man tried to wriggle and free himself, but the girl had stopped him from getting away by securing his hands in cuffs.

And while she spoke to the man, another one appeared behind them: it was the tall man with long black hair they had seen just moment prior. This familiar stranger tried to shook them gently out of their drug-induced stupor, but he did so to no avail.

«Karao Saeki, you're under arrest for the kidnap and murder of twelve women and six men committed in the last six month.», the goth girl stated, preceding to list his rights and introducing himself as an investigator of the local police force...

...but they hadn't be able to understand a single word afterwards

Too scared to look anywhere else a part from their reflection.

_"...why are you silent, did the centipede bit you there?"_

...for their mind was too clogged to process anything.

Anything but the the shadows that lingered nearby.

_"Why do you keep telling yourself tales, you dog?"_

_"...why aren't you moaning louder, you bitch?"_

_"Why do you keep telling lies to me, Ken?"_

_"...why are you still and quiet, my dear?"_

_"Why do you embarrass me like this?"_

_"...why are you so slippery already?"_

_"You are a boy, Ken, not a female!"_

_"...what a sissy you are, Shiro."_

_"Stop it with the facade now."_

_"...quite the show you put."_

_"It's your fault he left me."_

_"...you are at fault here."_

_"If you weren't born..."_

_"...you wouldn't die."_

_"I would be happy."_

_"...you're my joy..."_

_"I would be so..."_

_"...so so loved."_

_"And you'll..."_

_"...be so..."_

_"Be so..."_

_Happy._

_Dead._

_Free._

_Still._

_Me._

_Me_

_M_

_e_

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The way I have described Haise's mood swings is partially because of my own experience with those. I have dramatized just a tiny bit the manic episodes, a phase that can last for a couple of weeks in my case...but it is always extremely difficult to describe whenever I'm experiencing it. But, when I do (usually when I feel more stable), it's always very dramatic for me and (being a literature and philosophy graduate) I might tend to exaggerate its effects while explaining it to others through words and poetic language...but I'm not trying to romanticize the pain that it procures to those who suffer from this condition.  
> The aftermath of a manic phase is quite hard to digest, at least in my experience. 
> 
> I didn't want Haise's behavior to be a copy of my own experience, so I twisted it a little bit on the edges...let's see where it goes, shall we?  
> (translation: I don't know exactly where this fic is leading me to...and I'm actually scared to know.)
> 
> I do not want to offend anyone, but if I did...please let me know. I will apologize and learn from my mistakes.
> 
> Have a nice day.
> 
> [my blog](http://you-are-not-a-drone.tumblr.com)


	4. I gave and I gave and I gave...'till I wanted it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I am going to put more spaces in between paragraphs, I assure you. Rich Text is being a bitch and I don't have the ability to make it work. So...be patient, please.  
> (Edit: I put the spaces and fixed a problem with some wild italic text I forgot to check before uploading)
> 
> And I somehow think this chapter is shorter then the other ones? Sorry about that.
> 
> Sorry for the long delay...this chapter was hard for me to write for both emotional and technical reasons. For instance, my writing program crashed on me at least three times. Then, IRL events knocked on my door whining like a baby because I wasn't giving them the attention they deserved.
> 
> Updates in the future will be even slower given what I'm struggling with at the moment...I am so so sorry for this, but I hope you'll understand. However, I'm not giving up! But if at some point you'll hear me question my ability to write...please feel free to leave some comments telling me to move my sorry ass and work. (Do it kindly, please...I am a delicate soul ._. )
> 
> As always, trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> \- mentions of slurs, self-harming tendencies, mood swings;  
> \- mentions of abuse, self-deprecating thoughts, physical violence and suicidial tendencies;  
> \- mentions of internalized transphobia and homophobia;  
> \- mentions of blood and description of mental breakdown.
> 
> I will add more if I get the chance to remember all of them.
> 
> Please, be kind in the comments.  
> Have a nice day.

_Yet many a man is making friends with death_  
_Even as I speak, for lack of love alone._

  

Their voices disappeared from his head only when he opened his eyes, and saw a withe ceiling above him.

Curiously, the young man though it was a pretty sight, way cleaner than his own thoughts, and the room where he stayed seemed airy and tidy. Soft sheets were surrounding him and a reclining mattress was sustaining his weight. An I.V. had been attached to his left arm, piercing his inner elbow with singular ferocity, preventing him from moving as he wanted.

Then, when he turned his head towards the wicked tube, something grabbed his left hand and he felt at loss...trying to detach himself from whoever had been lurking in the shadows of the room until then.

But when he saw a wheelchair nearby the bed and Amon's reassuring smile, Haise knew he had nothing to fear.

Or, at least, he was pretty sure about that.

_"Don't you trust me, Ken?"_

_"Shiro, you've nothing to fear."_

Their voices whispered once again from within, making him shiver from head to toe.

Someone rushed inside the hospital room as soon as Amon asked for help, and Akira made her appearance, her hair messy, eyes filled with tiredness and pain. She hovers over him, trying to soothe him in order to stop the trembling of his limbs. She whispered comforting words to him, desperate for the young man to stop crying and moaning in pain. She called the nurse to help her, pressing a button on the backboard.

But he had become a rabid animal, a caged being...  
...and like a ferocious beast he was put to sleep.

While Akira's voice and the one inside his head murmured his name.

*

People were talking quietly in the distance, but he didn't feel like waking up at all.

He was aware, but didn't want the others to know.

He didn't want others to talk to him.

«...dear please, go back home. Let Taki take a break from the girls...they can be a handful.»

«I'm sorry for them, it was their first night with us...they're surely worried about us.»

«Taki is still jet-lagged, though...I don't think they can take care of them alone.»

«Aren't you tired? Shouldn't you be the one going home?»

«I'm fine.», Akira said, heaving a sigh while probably looking at the hospital bed where Haise laid, «He's my responsibility.»

Responsibility, a burden then.

He had never been a son, not even a friend.

He had never been nothing but a problem to her.

Haise waited for them to leave the room before crying himself to sleep.

Tired of being so delusional, tired of being so hopeful towards others...

...tired of being mistaken, over and over again.

*

Someone was petting his hair with careful hands.

Their fingers small, nail polish in the air...Saiko then.

He wished for her to stop.

He didn't want to be touched.

It made him sick to the core.

«...auntie, do you think he will get better soon?», she asked, worry in her voice, warmth slipping through her words.

«He recovered from much worst than this...he outdid his classes in a couple of years after the incident in 2010. He will recover from this.»

«But recovery is not measured in grades, auntie. Not even happiness...»

Smart girl, his Saiko.

«...I'm starting to see that, I'm afraid.», Akira concluded, sadness in her tone.

 _Too late, mommy..._ , the voice snarled, coiling tightly around his heart.

Crushing him into oblivion.

*

In the beginning, it was a phone.

Rattling right next to him, probably on a bedside table nearby.

It had been that to wake him up, but it was their voices to keep him awake.

«Give me that fucking thing.», Urie muttered, following whoever had left the room with the cellphone in hand.

«It's the tenth time this TK person has called, maybe we should...», Mutsuki intervened, rising quietly from a chair.

«Mucchan is right...it...it could be his friend or even his partner.», Shirazu spoke right after, walking away from the bed.

«...partner?», came a disbelieving scoff from Urie, «Not very faithful of him to be found in that state then...what a bitch.»

«...excuse me?», Mutsuki retorted, evidently angry at his boyfriend for that remark, «...he was abducted, for God's sake.»

«And why do you think he was? He attracted the wrong kind of attention.»

«You're certainly not insinuating he deserved it, I sure hope.», Mutsuki said in a frightening tone, before Shirazu was able to interrupt him.

«...and...and he was looking for you! How in the world was he even supposed to "attract attention" in the wrong way?»

«Are you stupid, you monkey? He's the type of man capable of betraying his own family...he wouldn't be above going around with strangers all night to celebrate his promotion with multiple people in a club for transvestites...»

«What did you just say to my face, Urie?», was Mutsuki's response to Urie's lack of reasoning on the matter.

«...you know I didn't mean it like that, Tooru.», Urie tried to explain, surely sorry for having spoke before thinking. «...this thing messed me up.»

«I'm not having this conversation with you right now.»

«...it's all his fault. He's doing this to us!»

«You're tired. You don't know what you're talking about...»

«Tooru, you can't be that blind. Admit it. He betrayed us!»

«Watch you mouth Urie...I'm not in the mood for your bullshit right now.»

«Why are you being such a coward...?»

«I'm man enough to walk away from this.», Mutsuki nearly shouted, startling the other two with his powerful voice.

«And you are too, Urie.», Shirazu said, certainly coming in between the two boys, «...so give back the phone and call it a day.»

«...or else?», was Urie's dare, full of disdain and mockery to the brim.

«Just give it back. We need to call that person and make sure they...»

«Tooru you stay out of this.»

«Mucchan is right, give it back.»

He opened his eyes, trying to adjust to the light while looking for his kids.

«Stop telling me what to do.»

He found them right outside his room: Urie and Shirazu too close to be safe.

«Don't be ridiculous, Ku...»

Mutsuki right next to the unforgiving boy, who had turned his head so fast it made him look possessed.

«That's enough.», the kid growled, watching his boyfriend with murderous intent...before rising his eyes to look directly into Haise's worried ones.

Shirazu and Mutsuki turned at the same time then, probably alerted by Urie's change of mood. The both of them paled at the sight of their mentor trying to walk on trembling limbs...crawling on the floor after having slithered down from the bed. They rushed towards him, whose sight had been blinded by dark spots, begging him to get back on the mattress.

But Haise had eyes only for Urie...still at the door with a tense and sorrowful expression on his face.

He couldn't see, overwhelmed by his low blood pressure and the aftermath of his rush of adrenaline.

The last thing he saw before collapsing on the ground was his first son, devoured by deep black stains spreading on his visual field.

Erased from light itself by bottomless pits of despair and desolation.

*

Urie never came back at the hospital.

But Haise kept waiting for him.

*

Monsoon season surprised him one day with its insistent and howling voice, rattling off the windows of his room with angry drops. However, for as much as he had loved the rain, the young man wasn't able to feel anything but impatience and numbness.

Wishing the pounding headache would stop only to hear yet other noises hammering on the glass from outside when the pain diminished.

His senses washed away, like paint on a wall or stains down a river.

His thoughts roaring in the distance, wordless thunders echoing in his mind.

His feelings quiet...until the lightning struck at night with horrendous precision.

And every night his body was doomed to be electrocuted under his covers, on a mattress wet with sweat and sometimes even piss. Ears ringing with promises of hate and desperation, screeching sounds that once used to be words, now transformed into scorching hot wire...slicing up his entire being one breath at a time.

A glitch in his head.

All night long with no escape.

Voices of who had touched him without his consent.

Memories of those who infested a past he thought forgotten.

*

Nights were unmanageable, for he crashed down at seven a.m. on point every single time, fainting after restless hours of wakefulness.

After a while he had finally understood why he was unable to move freely, and he had come to the conclusion that some sort of tranquilizer had been probably shot through his veins to keep him from acting strangely. But as hours passed, the young man found himself unable to be grateful for that act of care in his regards.

He would have much more preferred to be able to lash out as he saw fit...instead of feeling powerless on that disgusting bed.

Furthermore, whenever he had woken up during the day, and he had found the curtains pulled together in order to obscure the room, paralysis had trapped him into its embrace. And Haise had laid still, unmoving, asking for help with voiceless noises while frightening shadows crept up onto his body.

During the day, those monstrous figment of his imagination were able to convince him no one would have saved willingly.

For he was alone, paralyzed in that iron grip in which his muscles had been seized...unable to call anyone with his futile and quiet mumbles.

But nights were even more terrifying, haunted by intrusive thoughts so cruel they made him want to smash his head into the nearest wall.

And he struggled just to not give in to those urges.

He struggled just to face yet other demons in the morning.

*

Stability came into his life with no flashing sign or warning, taking its sweet time in showing its intention to keep him company.

Rain was still pouring down Tokyo when he caught a glimpse of Akira's voice from the hall.

He tried to muffle the sound by hiding under the covers, all to no avail.

«...it's been ten days already. I don't know what to do anymore.»

«I understand your concern, Ma'am...but these things rarely get better just by willingness alone.»

«But he doesn't eat anymore, nor he seems inclined to listen to what the nurses are telling him.»

«Usually, in this kind of situation, family members are strongly advised to help.»

«...but he keeps ignoring me.», Akira retorted, stating her point with unwavering determination to the doctor's face, «I have tried everything you've suggested. He doesn't want to be touched, he flinches whenever I try to talk to him...why haven't you took in consideration my request yet?»

«I know you're concerned for him...but these signs are common consequences of what he had been through and...»

«"Common consequences"?», she repeated with an incredulous tone, «Oh, I'm well aware of this...but I will not condone this kind of neglect towards a victim's damaged mental state...not if your only justification for your temporizing is that my kid's symptoms are "normal".»

_Have you heard? You're a victim now...it's official, I don't make the rules._

He tried to ignore the voice, strangely imagining it to belong to Yami...figuring them seated next to him on the mattress, eating chips for some reason.

 _I bet she's going to ask for some shrink to hypnotize you._ , they snarled, lowering down in order to whisper in his ear, munching away...whatever it was that they were eating. _Ten bucks she's gonna tell the physician you need to be fixed._

Haise wanted to cover his ears, but curiosity was too powerful to overlook.

«I personally don't think it would be necessary to...»

«...I haven't asked for your opinion. But surely you are required to to your job...and curing patients should be your first concern.»

 _Here she comes...wait for it..._ , Yami crackled, fussing over Haise who had turned on his right side to avoid them.

«Haise needs immediate access to therapy, and it baffles me that you haven't already done everything in your power to ensure his recovery in this sense.»

Yami cheered at Akira's determination, getting a handful of chips from their plastic bag before crumbling it in their hand and let the remains falling onto Haise's ear. However, when he felt hundreds of coiling bugs penetrating his brain, only then the young man understood what exactly Yami had been eating in the depths of his imagination.

He jolted in shock, like he had been hit by a truck, and he began shivering under the covers.

But it was only when he shifted in a more comfortable position that he became aware of someone else's presence in the room. He peeked out from under the sheets and saw two girls playing cards on his own bed, each of them seated on one side of the mattress. The deck was just a few centimeters away from Haise's feet and the young man slowly moved them upwards, embracing the knees in order to give the girls all the space they needed.

One of them, a short girl with long blonde hair and messy bangs (that Haise recognized as one of Ui's kid, Ayumu), turned slightly her head in his direction and nodded quietly, thanking him with that mere gesture alone.

The other girl regarded him only after she had picked up another card, staring at him with curiosity and concern. Her right eye was covered by an eyepatch, her red hair sparse and thin.

It was Ginshi's sister, Haru Shirazu.

«Do you want her to know you have woken up?», she asked him, with no smile adorning her heart-shaped face.

Haise had just enough time to think about whom she was referring to, before he was able to hear Akira walking down the hall in their direction. The young man hid under the covers once again and closed his eyes only a couple of seconds b fore his previous mentor came into the room.

He listened to Akira treading softly nearby, and he refrained from winching when she petted his hair with a delicate hand.

«Has he ever woken up?», she whispered to the girls, perhaps without tearing away her eyes from the seemingly sleeping man.

«Never.», the two girls answered in unison, retrieving their game in silence.

*

Ayumu was good at cards, but whenever she had a good hand it was difficult for her not to let it show on her face. Haru, on the other hand, never gave away her advantage thanks to her poker face, although she frequently lost count of her points.

It was refreshing to watch their matches, and they always informed him of someone else's arrival by keeping an eye to the open door.

In a few occasions the both of them tried to get him to play, but their efforts went to waste the moment Haise became aware of the condition of his right hand.

He had never I got the chance to ask the physician directly, but the young man eavesdropped a conversation between the woman and Akira two days after the girls had covers for him. Before that moment, he had been ignorant about the matter at...well, the matter at hand.

Due to the traumatic experience, his right hand was now paralyzed.

And there was no way to predict when it would have been able to move again.

Haise was able to move the wrist, turning it in every direction with no particular problem...but he was not able to flex any finger or muscle of the appendix in itself, nor was he able to perceive any sensation regard the sense of tact or the felling of cold and hot temperatures.

He was not able to play with the girls, but the possible consequences of that particular inconvenience weren't able to cross his mind just yet.

Haise wasn't even capable of worrying about his hand...let alone worrying about his inability to work in the future.

Like a child or a caged animal, he was only free to live in the present, forever imprisoned in one eternal instant of numbness and silence.

Unable to look forward to something he wasn't even capable to understand.

*

Four days after the girls had saved him for the first time, Ayumu didn't show in his bedroom.

The very next day, Hachikawa's corpse was wheeled down the hall in front of Haise's room in order to be put to rest in the more until the arrival of the mortician.

The bed of Ayumu's previous mentor passed in front of the opened door of the young man's bedroom: the body was covered with a white sheet; the doctor and the nurses who had cared for him were following it with their heads lowered; Ayumu walked in front of Haise when he showed at the door with Haru, but the blonde girl didn't acknowledge them...shuffling slowly while Ui sustained her by the shoulders.

The girl's new mentor looked at Haise with concern, mouthing silently his intention to meet with him afterwards before disappearing from the hall with the rest of the procession. Next to him, Haru guided the young man back to his bed...since there was no reason for him to show his respect to the dead anymore.

However, Haise kept staring into the void for a very long time while seating on the mattress. So much he even ignored Ui's presence next to him for the entirety of his visit when his fellow mentor came late in the evening.

Ui too left after a while, probably preoccupied by Haise's behavior or perhaps worrying about Ayumu's wellbeing.

In any case, the young man was able to register his friend's presence only when he noticed the quiet _click!_ of the door closing in.

Then, looking at his right hand, the unmoving one, the young man stared at it for a couple of minutes.

He wondered if he would have felt any blood spill from a cut in case he were able to get a hold on a razor.

He imagined his palm and wrist painted crimson from the loss, marveling at the aesthetic of it all.

He raised his head in contemplation...and saw a child with white hair seating at his feet.

Holding a razor for him to use.

*

The child didn't came back after that.

But Haise kept waiting for him.

*

The day he found his voice again came on the second week from the incident.

«Haru...why aren't you asking me anything?», he spoke to the girl next to him, who was indulging herself with a solitaire.

His words crisp, the tone dejected.

«Because my brother trust you enough to wait for you to be ready.», she immediately responded, not even raising her eyes from the cards in front of her.

Then, out of nowhere, Ginshi appeared in the room, shocked to see his little sister awake at that ungodly hour. But, before he could insist on taking her back to the pediatric ward of the clinic, the girl scratched her head and mindlessly raised a handful of red locks of her hair...that had detached themselves with little effort from Haru's part.

Her brother stopped on the spot, looking at her with worry and desolation...

...but it lasted for about a second, before he marched in his sister's direction with a determined stride.

«...It only means the chemo is working, dear. Nothing we haven't been through before.», he reassured her with a cheeky smile on his face.

Haru seemed surprised to hear that, raising her head almost in disdain, «...but I'm dying.»

Her brother hugged her tightly in response, making her squeal in a fit of laughter in between tickles, «No, you're not, you silly.»

«But...but I have the right to...to stay up late if I'm dying!», she pouted, unable to contain her chuckles.

Shirazu hold her closer, threatening to choke her in his embrace, «Not even then, little girl...you're a survivor, you should know better.»

They kept bickering for a while, until Shirazu locked eyes with his mentor, smiling at him in a reassuring manner.

«Sassan, tomorrow we're gonna cut our hair...will you join us?»

Haise nodded to his kid, unable to oppose his refusal to such a happy face.

Slowly awakening from the depths of loneliness and despair.

*

The next day the Shirazu siblings ended up sporting the same neat butch cut, proudly showing off the product of Ginshi's ability with electric shavers by asking the nurses how beautiful they were.

Apparently, it was a tradition of some sort for them to cut off all of their hair whenever Haru was feeling insecure about her condition: some sort of dare they had bonded over during the years of therapy for the girl's retinoblastoma.

The both of them even convinced poor Haise to change his hairstyle, making him part his hair from the right side and cutting it where it reached the nape. When asked if he wanted to fix his roots, however, the young man considered for a long time the possibility, deciding otherwise in the end.

Although, admittedly, he was a bit distracted by the sensation of Ginshi's hands on his head, too much to care about any other subject indeed. It was, after all, difficult to bear being touched just yet...but he was coping well.

Or, at least, this is what he thought.

That afternoon, Saiko came by too bringing cookies and soda, determined to make a party out of the small reunion. But when she poured some of the beverage in a plastic cup for Haise to drink, a sad expression crossed her face for a brief moment, making her mentor question silently her sudden change of mood.

However, the girl shook her head to clear her thoughts and smiled softly at the young man, telling him Shirazu had done a wonderful job with his hair. Ginshi strutted at that, daring Saiko to cut hers too by his sister's hand. The girl shot back a snarky remark, telling him she had some cute hairdresser to make swoon under her charms in order to get a discount on some hair products she wanted. Ginshi became flustered by hearing that and proceeded to cover his sister's ears to protect her from being corrupted by Saiko's mischievous influence.

Some nurses rushed into the room after hearing Haru laughing at her brother's prude behavior, and the whole lot of kids were urged to leave the patient alone. Saiko's gaze lingered for a couple of seconds on Haise's bed, the girl looking positively worried about his well being.

«Maman...we'll see you tomorrow, right?», she asked, waiting patiently for her mentor to respond.

But when Haise did, nodding once with a small smile on his face, his baby girl didn't smile back.

She lowered her head and followed the Shirazus out of the room, biting back her tears while waving goodbye.

*

His restless night faded into a gloomy and uncharacteristically cold day for June.

But a red umbrella made its way into the hospital from the main entrance, and Haise witnessed its arrival from the window in his room, following its every movement from above.

Not even five minutes after, Mutsuki made his appearance at his mentor's door, announcing he had bought books for the patient to read.

The boy was beaming with pride and joy for some reason, but Haise wasn't confident he could fake interest about his kid's achievements if he were to try.

Truth to be told, the young man simply didn't have the energy to ask the boy how his day had been...let alone showing positive feedback for his actions.

He tried to ignore the crackling laughter of the white-haired child seated on his bed, focusing all his attention on Mutsuki instead.

They were seating by the table under the window, and the boy was taking out of his backpack all of the books he had previously mentioned.

«I ditched class today...sorry about that, but being the first in my class I was able to obtain a permit to visit you thanks to Akira.», the boy said, piling up the books neatly in front of Haise's void stare, «She asked Professor Kuroiwa to let me go around the third period. Thanks to that, I'm finally here to...»

«...what happened to your right eye?», the young man asked, with little to no trace of concern towards his kid.

Mutsuki lowered his head, clutching one of the books close to his chest, hiding his mouth behind the cover. The skin around his right eye was covered with a layer of makeup: some terrible attempt at blending out the wrong tone of foundation had attracted Haise's attention the moment the kid had entered the room. Mutsuki's dark skin was in part covered in powder, probably in order to conceal his experiment.

«You've used my makeup to cover it...probably some of the shiniest Korean shit I had stored.», Haise considered, not bothering to keep his thoughts to himself, «Perhaps some of you rummaged through the boxes in my wardrobe without permission...yet again, this does not explain why you have walked in here without addressing openly the matter of your black eye.»

The young man had pondered the possibility the foundation belonged to Saiko, but he knew the girl had always had perfect skin and that she abhorred the consistency of liquid makeup on her face. The only inhabitant of the Chateau who could have lend Mutsuki that particular item was Haise himself, since the boy would have never asked any of his classmates to give him some.

«How did you find my boxes? They were hidden under neat piles of shoes and clothes...unless someone had known where to search in the first place.»

The boy in front of him rose his head, looking straight his mentor in the eyes, waiting for him to continue.

Haise, on the other hand, proceeded with pitiless determination with his hypothesis, reaching for the tissues the nurses had left for him to use.

«Let me guess, someone messed up my room real bad...you tried to stop them, but received a punch in the end. Afterwards, you found the box inside my wardrobe and thought to be able to mask the aftermath of your strife.», he concluded, taking some tissues from the bedside table and a plastic water bottle.

He waited for Mutsuki to speak, wetting the cloth in his hand before getting closer to his kid, dragging forward his chair in order to sit in front of him.

While the young man began the painstaking work of removing that mess of a makeup, the boy relaxed under his touch.

Talking freely after days of silence.

«...has Urie done something like this in the past?», he asked, sighing softly while Haise carefully caressed his cheek with the damp tissue.

«As a matter of fact, he did.», his mentor answered with a monotone voice, «He had a relapse six month after the beginning of the program...he trashed my room and set fire to all of his drawings. He cried the next day when I showed him the paint I had bought to cover the smoke traces on his ceiling.»

Mutsuki went quite for a while after hearing that, breathing slowly to keep from crying himself.

Haise was able to remove most of the foundation after three attempts, secretly (and quite cruelly) wondering how was it possible for the boy to be so messy with makeup after all of the years his family had forced him to wear it.

He felt sick for himself while thinking this, but wasn't able to feel too guilty about it.

The black eye was now evident under the young man's scrutiny, swollen and already yellowish on the corners.

«...at least this time he hadn't tried to set anything on fire.», Mutsuki joked, with no glee in his voice.

"But is it worth it to be lit like a match yourself, Mucchan?", the young man though to himself, pushing away the sense of guilt that threatened to choke him.

 _It's your fault Urie is still a mess_ , the voice whispered.

From the corner of his eyes, Haise was able to see the smal child jumping up and down the bed with his shoes on.

He tried with all his might to ignore him and the voice inside his head.

_Urie is hurting because of you...Mutsuki is hurt because of you._

Haise watched closely his kid, waiting for him to explain what had exactly happened the day before.

Biting his lower lip while shaking his head, the boy reached for his mentor's hand...but didn't leaned on him for support. He simply hold his hand into his right one, covering his face with the other. Ashamed for some reason.

The only thing Haise was able to think about, however, was that he didn't want to be touched. It lasted just a little over a minute, but it had been enough for him to begin to tremble under Mutsuki's contact. But he strengthened his hold nonetheless, for it was exactly what his boy needed at the time.

«I'm sorry Teach...I wasn't able to stop him.», Mutsuki began, covering his face even more,

«He was angry because...because we wanted him to answer your phone. There's a person who calls every day, and recently another one had begun to send texts and so on...and...and we wanted him to give your phone back. But he stormed into your room and...and he trashed your wardrobe and he...he...»

The boy was hyperventilating, sobbing and muffling his cry by covering his own mouth with a hand.

He had always felt ashamed by the act of being seen crying, for he had been taught all of his life that tears were a sign of weakness.

And Haise knew his kid needed to be embraced.

He knew it.

But wasn't able to get to that point yet.

«I'm sorry Teach...he...he took your wigs and dresses and...he...threw them in the dumpster.», the boy whimpered, clutching at his mentor's hand to anchor himself, «He didn't want to hurt me...it...it just happened. And he took ice for me afterwards and...and he helped me...but I pretended it to be worse than what it really was so the others could take back your stuff from the trash and...and I'm so sorry Teach.»

The little child on top of the bed had stopped jumping, and was now listening Mutsuki's sobs with a scared expression on his face.

Mutsuki let go of his mentor's hand in order to cover his face even more.

He was shaking from head to toe...while Haise was simply watching from afar.

Unable to move.

«He's going to throw me in the trash too...isn't he?», Mutsuki said with an hollow voice, trying to remember how to breathe.

The child, in the background, began to silently cry while his hair slowly began to turn from white to black from the top of his small head.

«If he did that to your belongings...he's surely gonna do the same to me...like my father did...»

Haise's heart ached to no end at the sight of his kid, but he was able to snap out of his numbness only when the child vanished from the world into thin air.

Leaving the young man finally able to sprung from his seat and hug Mutsuki tightly in his shaky arms.

«Shhh, it's okay. Everything is going to be okay.»

«I don't know what to do anymore.»

«I know...but we'll manage.»

«...but how? How can we...he...he hates us...», the boy whispered, hugging back his mentor while Haise petted gently his hair.

«He doesn't hate us, Mucchan. He's just angry at me...it had nothing to do with you.», the young man assured him, pulling away just briefly from the contact in order to look into his kid's eye. The right one was swollen, but it was already on the way to recovery. Haise wiped the tears from his face, resting his own forehead on Mutsuki's one.

«We've seen worse things, Tooru. We'll recover from this as well, I promise.»

At that, the boy's face crumbled under his mentor's caresses, and he cried and he cried and he cried...until there were no more tears to shed.

They waited for him to calm down, still embracing after all those emotions and fears.

Haise inhaled deeply his son's scent, sensing cardamom and green tea. His dyed hair soft as kitty's fur, his skin warm like a sunny day. He breathed steadily and patiently, for he was holding onto the kid like a drowning man in need of something that would anchor him to reality. Watching with disdain and fear his right hand, the young man felt a pang of horror pierce his heart at the sight of the unmoving palm.

He suppressed the need to get away from there, choking down any thought of escape from that moment of bonding between them.

Even if he felt disgusting while being touched, even if he was afraid to crumble under Mutsuki's light hold, even if he was counting the seconds of that exhausting interaction with compelling urgency...even then he waited.

And bit back his tears in order to give his son what he needed.

A soft knock at the door interrupted that everlasting embrace, giving Haise the possibility to feel safe again.

Akira was watching them with tears in her eyes, waving timidly her hand in their direction, telling them it was lunch time. Mutsuki seemed to have cheered up after their brief talk, and proceeded to welcome Akira into the room...explaining that Haise was feeling better too.

Akira searched for any trace of doubt in the young man's eyes, but appeared to find none after he smiled at her with strained enthusiasm. Even if he had felt somewhat betrayed by Mutsuki's cue on his (supposedly) improved condition, but did nothing to contradict his statement in the first place.

However, he never tried to reach for Akira during lunch, not even when she bid him farewell by the door.

And she seemed to notice it too.

*

That same afternoon, physicians came to ask him questions and taking notes, telling him he would have been able to leave in a couple of days.

The lot of them said they were working under Doctor Shiba's direction and that he had nothing to fear: after he had heard of the emergency, the good doctor had insisted to be in charge of Haise's recovery, obtaining the approval of Yoshitoki himself to proceed with the due care and attention.

The young man found suspicious for the man to have never actually showed up, but didn't ask any questions in order to make them leave sooner.

Haru and Shirazu came by, alongside poor Ayumu, who had left her room that day to be of some help for her new friend.

And this, even with his ever-changing mood, was actually able to warm his heart a tiny bit.

Even Amon came to the rescue, happy to see Haise on his feet again, and they briefly talked about Torso's capture and how the monster had been put to jail. No testimony was required of Haise, but some investigators were discussing the possibility to ask the young man some questions whenever he deemed appropriate to. The kids listened to this with dreadful concern, worried that such accident would be too much for Haise to bear.

However, the young man accepted Amon's request for a future cooperation with the security forces.

Trying to ignore the sense of nausea that caught him at the thought of reviving yet another incident.

Yet another memory he hadn't been able to erase from reality itself.

*

Wednesday the 22nd, Haise woke up to the sound of a menacing voice, coming from the hall leading to his room.

Someone was, apparently, threatening the nurses to instant imminent death if they were "keeping up with the facade", refusing to show them where "Sasaki Haise" was located. The trembling voice of one of the nurses then answered the question, telling them he was currently resting in room 240.

This seemed enough for them, and soft (but urging) steps were taking them to him.

When Touka appeared in front of him, Haise discovered something funny.

He had missed her greatly.

So much he felt at loss when she advanced into the room.

She was wearing...an apron, out of all things. Her phone in hand, with the rabbit keychain she was fond of, and a pencil tucked behind her left ear.

Haise had never seen her as beautiful as she was in that very moment, and yet he feared her. Her, with her eagerness and determination...with her beating heart and tender embraces. With her blazing eyes and heaving chest, like she had rushed over there just to see him, ditching everything in order to get in front of him.

It was clear she wanted to touch him, to embrace Haise in her trembling arms to never let him go. But, as much as she desired so, Touka knew he wouldn't be able to bear something like that. Another cage, another chain attaching him to someone else.

Touka understood, just by looking at him, bundled up in the sheets while watching her with watery eyes.

And he was so grateful.

So grateful it crushed him into a million pieces.

She seated next to him, careful not to touch him in any way, leaning her cheek on crossed arms with a serene expression on her face.

«Hey there, hotshot.», she suddenly joked, earning a disbelieving chuckle from Haise, who wasn't expecting anything like that out of her.

«...I don't feel very hot, right now.», he truthfully responded, marveling at Touka's ability to be so disrespectful towards her senior...and make it seem like the most comforting thing in the world. «I feel like trash, if I have to be honest...»

She scoffed, not unkindly but certainly not spontaneously either, like she was forcing herself to keep the conversation on the lightest tone possible.

«Welcome to the club. Would you like to have a prize for your most recent adventure? We assign them annually at Valentine's Day.»

This made him laugh, before he was able to understand what she was telling him...even if with a smile on her face.

«...don't tell me...it happened to you as well.», he asked with worry in his voice, waiting for her to answer.

But she did so with yet another joke, shrugging like it had been nothing in the first place.

«Ding ding ding. That's the right answer.», she said while rolling her eyes, apparently at ease with that kind of topic, to Haise's horror. «And more than once, as well. But I've always been able to put those kind of clients down with a couple of blows and kicks, don't worry.», she tried to reassure him, before lowering her gaze in contemplation of what she had just reveled to him. «Although, the fright sticks for a very long time...»

He had very few energy to spare, so few it was difficult for him to breathe.

But he used that energy to rise from under the sheets and hug her tightly.

He cried for her, mourning what had happened in her past, feeling awful at the memory of their first encounter...the way he had lurked behind her, empowered by Yami's presence slithering down his veins. The way she had fought in her very apartment, after she had understood he was not her lover.

Haise felt disgusting at the thought of having perpetuated Evil's design at Touka's expense.

But she embraced him anyway, kissing the top of his head while stroking his back in a soothing motion.

«I'm a big girl, Haise...unfortunately, you're not.», she chuckled with no malignity in her voice, «But we'll work on this, what do you think?»

He nodded furiously on her shoulder, ignoring the prickling sensation on his skin in order to keep their bodies pressed together.

They talked quietly after that and never about the investigation. Touka explained her appearance by stating she worked part-time for her uncle in a café nearby, and that she had received a call giving her his whereabouts.

She jokingly described her uncle's distress at the sight of the girl storming out of the shop while asking for a pause. She had received at least ten messages already from the man, who seemed to worry greatly for his niece's wellbeing.

Haise listened carefully to her story, trying to picture scene after scene while leaning his heavy head on Touka's lap...but the way she was gently stroking his hair was just right, just absolutely perfect...that he had quite the hard time to keep his eyes open.

However Touka, being the incredible human being she was, at some point began to pry herself away from his slump and warm body, whispering in his ear she would have been back in no time, for she had to make a call...probably knowing all too well how the young man was in need to some alone time after all of those emotions.

But even then, when she got back from the talk with her uncle, the young girl found Haise on the verge of sleep, and yet decided to stay with him...bundling him up in warm sheets and embracing him on the mattress, patting his hair tenderly.

«...is it okay if I stay a little more?», she asked, murmuring quietly against his forehead.

Haise simply hold onto her a little tighter, ignoring his limp right hand, sighing contentedly on her collarbone.

Even if he hurt him doing so, feeling trapped by those thin arms.

Even if he was still shivering, waiting to crumble like stone.

*

When Touka shifted next to him, Haise immediately knew something was off, even before waking up.

But when he did, the first thing he noticed from below was how tense the girl had become.

Sitting in while staring ahead, like she had been caught off guard and was now looking at whoever had entered the room.

But before Haise had the opportunity to search for the person, Touka kissed his forehead and promised to call him the next day.

The young man nodded confusedly, wishing she could have stayed a little more.

But a quick glance at the window made him reconsider, for it seemed to be pretty late already.

The girl climbed down the bed and proceeded to walking out of the room after she had put on her slippers. Haise followed her figure with pleading eyes, meeting her gaze when she looked back to smile at him. And the young man felt hopeful for the first time in days, sure the rest of the night was going to be much more bearable now that Touka had reassured him and brought him back to his senses...

...but he had to question his luck once he understood who had been watching them from the door.

And a long, painful, dragging shiver run down his spine the moment he locked eyes with none others than Matsuri Washuu.

Who was now looking at him like Haise was vermin scum on dirt.

Touka regarded the man with a cold expression, throwing daggers at Haise's supervisor with undeniable murder intent while making her way out of the room. She disappeared into thin air, without Matsuri even notice icing about her lingering presence...even if he was well aware of its occurrence in the first place.

And the man was seething because of it, livid in his marble composure.

Ready to unleash hell itself just for the sake of it.

*

«...and here I thought to come by and see how you were doing.», the man said after a while, slowly nearing the distance between them with deliberate steps, «However, as it was expected, it seems like I should have known better...and maybe let you rot in the garbage where the CCGS found you six years ago.»

Haise actually shivered just by hearing those words, felling like his sternum had been cut deep by an invisible knife.

«Should I remind you that the official Committee vote for the disbandment of the program is due in October...and that the entirety of the project depends on you, Sasaki?», the man said, approaching the bed even more, finally seating down on the mattress, looming dangerously close to him.

«I did everything in my power to keep the media at bay. I even got to the point of asking my father to get the police reports from the investigative department in order to check their version of the facts...but, as it turned out, the case has been already filed by some other Country's federal bureau. It took me two weeks to get a hold on those reports to protect you and the CCGS from being crushed by the media...since it would have been hard for you knowing to have put all of us in a difficult situation with your disgraceful crossdressing attitudes.»

Everything was happening so fast, so impossibly hard that Haise felt his head pound in rebellion at the speed of the events.

But he had no way to escape.

Not now that his boss had finally found him.

«You already have disrespected me in front of the department by running away from the office that night...to chase after a fucking emotional kid and being consequently kidnapped out of nowhere by a murderer that was in your contacts list. Do you want the CCGS to be ashamed in front of the whole world, Sasaki?», he asked him, seating close enough to Haise that the mattress shifted considerably under his weight, making the young man feeling like he was falling down. Spiraling and gravitating into a black hole.

However, looking uncomfortably behind his boss's shoulder, he noticed something that startled him, but not to the point of alerting his guest.

Haise caught a glimpse of a shadow behind the door, but did nothing to address the matter to Matsuri.

Not when the man was so absolutely furious in front of him.

«I have always known about your tendencies, that was what had made me suspicious of your preferences in the first place. But I've always deemed you to be cautious and careful in your actions, so much that a couple of years ago I stopped watching over you and let you have some fun.», the man whispered dangerously, reaching for Haise's face with one of his hands.

«But reports said that all of those fucking corpses had been a replacement for you...that Torso had begun approaching those kind of people after meeting you last April. And I will not let you go anywhere dressed like a fucking woman anymore. Have I made myself clear?»

Concern or shame? Fear or disgust?

It was difficult for Haise to sense Matsuri's real feelings behind his words, but for as much as he was scared of the man...he had to fix that mess.

Even if he couldn't believe his boss had known about his escapades for so many years.

Even if he wasn't able to guess how he had been "watching over him" in the first place.

Even if he felt nauseous just by thinking about what he had to do in order to regain his trust...in order to get the man to call him by his first name once again.

«I'm sorry...I...I will never do it again.», the young man murmured, desperately trying to look bashful instead of pitiful, knowing all to well that everything depended on Matsuri's plans for him.

But when Haise got closer to the man, crawling quietly on shaky knees in order to sit right underneath his supervisor's gaze, he found himself unwilling to make the next move. Especially after having said goodbye to Touka, missing her comforting presence already. Especially after being threatened by the man in front of him...whose eyes were still cold and merciless.

But he had to do it.

And so he did.

Haise rose on his knees and softly kissed Matsuri, lingering on the corner of those stern lips until the man gave in. His supervisor hold him by the waist, pressing their bodies together for a brief moment, squeezing his hips with tender but possessive strokes, making his employee shiver in pleasure and horror at the same time.

Haise felt disgusting and Matsuri's intentions were able to make him feel even more unworthy of love or respect, but even then...even then the young man found himself aching for affection and care. Moaning quietly into the kiss while tears of loathing rolled down his cheeks.

Matsuri was just about to slither a hand inside Haise's hospital gown from the opening in the back, when a loud sob could be heard from the young man himself. His supervisor immediately distanced from the him, watching him closely with a confused and frustrated look on his face.

His expression, however, significantly warmed after noticing how scared he was.

Or maybe it was all Haise's imagination.

«I'll...I'll be good from now on...I promise.», the young man reassured his supervisor, clutching at his suit with his left hand, unaware of the tears he had just shed.

As a matter of fact, Matsuri didn't try anything funny after that, but Haise had no way to understand what kind of thoughts hid behind his stormy eyes. The man had silently took the young man's right hand in his own, absentmindedly stroking the unmoving fingers while looking at him.

Was he pitying him for what had happened? Was he still angry with him for endangering the CCGS's reputation?

Or was he simply tired of him...like a kid too grown up to play with a noisy kitten?

«I found a psychiatrist for you. I want you to be able to work in three months.», the man said before rising from the bed and leaving the room without turning back...like he was the one scared by Haise's show of intimacy, instead of the young man himself.

Whoever had been eavesdropping since Matsuri's little speech about Haise's tendencies never showed up after the man's departure.

However, nurses came and went like nothing happened, preparing him for bed and informing him Doctor Shiba had deemed him healthy enough to be able to go back home.

The young man smiled at that, barely capable of mimicking what would have been the right reaction to such a good news.

The nurses left him alone after a while, turning down the lights and closing the door.

Leaving him with his fears and demons once again.

*

Every night it began in the same way.

Something simple in the beginning, like a remembrance or a fleeting sensation sticking on his skin like dried cum.

That night just had to be Matsuri's smell, crawling down his limbs like sloppy kisses and damp pants of a sickening lover.

It flared his nostrils like ammonia, setting fire to his lungs, rotting away every cell of his body while memories of his supervisor's voice clawed at his chest in the middle of the night.

Eyes focused into nothingness, pulsing in the midst of despair and fear. His voice...ringing loud inside his ears...reminding Haise just how disgusting he was.

_Did you thought you could be loved?_

_Were you actually thinking to be worthy of love?_

_You are nothing but scum...nothing but indeed..._

When the voice began distorting into loud screeches, mixing up with childish wails and pleads of mercy, it was right then that Haise would try to refrain himself from pulling too hard at his hair. But he pulled and pulled and pulled, scratching at his skull with impossible force...and then beating himself up over and over and over again. Praying for it to pass...begging for the voices to leave him alone.

But they were trapped inside him, secured in the depths of his own mind...and yet they were so overwhelmingly crushing.

So incredibly engulfing they seemed waves, submerging him one though at a time.

Drowning him deeper and deeper at the speed of light.

Silencing him in static water, invisible to the eye.

 _Why so sad,_ my dear _? Aren't you happy...how selfish. How ungrateful._

«Please go away.»

_Everyone is worried for you...and you don't even have a single fuck to give them._

«Go away go away go away...»

_Akira care for you...bit you keep her far...far away from you._

«She's happy now...she...she has the girls...she doesn't need me anymore...»

_Furuta is suicidal...you know that? And yet you left him alone._

«I know that I know I know I know...but I can't do anything for him and...»

_Touka is worried for you...she needs someone to lean on._

«I just look like her lover..that's it...she...she...will never love me...»

_Saiko is afraid of you...like she was of her mother...all over again._

«I'm not her mother...I'm doing my best.»

_It's not enough...it will never be. And Ginshi knows it too._

«He's fine he's fine he doesn't need me to function...he's fine...fine...»

_And what about Tooru? Ah? Don't you think he's ashamed of you?_

«He's a good kid...he...he will understand...surely he...»

 _You disgust me_ , the voice said, overlapping to the others inside his head...snarling like Urie would have done.

 _You are nothing but trash_ , the voice continued, talking with such a disdain it would have matched Matsuri's tone.

 _You've been left even by your family_ , the voice declared...speaking like "her"...like "him".

Like everyone in between.

Haise hit and hit and hit and hit his head with a ferocious fist, barely aware of the way his entire body was screaming for help...even if his mouth was shut and only silent sobs could be heard from his room. Too engrossed in the task of anchoring himself away from the roaming and roaring voices to remember about the walls of his rooms. Those walls that could have saved him from despair just by welcoming in their embrace.

By witnessing that show that would have been the impact of his head onto their clear and polished surface.

His brain would have run down to the floor, pooling around his unmoving and cold body.

And he would have been happy...just by putting a hold onto all of that...thinking.

But Haise was held captive by the voices...who threatened to froze him in a loop like a glitch in the system.

Like a cage made of words to silence him into nothingness alone.

*

 _N̳͈̫o̪̭̺̤̟͍ͅ ͍̰͚̞o̫ͅn̮̰̰e̫̯̰ͅ ̯͙̠̝̰̗̻̲ͅe̖̣̻v͚͔̙̟e͍̟͍͖̹̦͖ͅr̺̬͍̱̰̤̟ ̮̙͎̼̰l̠̼͚̥̙̠̘o̩̤̖ͅͅv͖̖͕̤̙e͓̦̯͎̝d̖͕̜̱̖̞͇ ̙̻͎͈̭̮y͕̙o̩u͇̰̘͈,͈̮̭̯̱̤ ͙͉̝n̳͍̰͎ͅo͉͍̼̠̗ ̯̜o̼̲͍͍̫̗n͔͓̳̻̖͓e͙͉ ̪e͕͕v͉̠̲͇̳̤̫e̠̦̤r̝͈̳̮̻͕ ̜w͎̲̱̻͍͍̖ͅa̤͓̺̤̺̰ͅn̖͚̣͚͚͙͖͙̙t̫̝e̮̯̫͉̰̫d̻̩̱̣̪̗͇ͅ ̖̖̟̠̥y͉̫̲̲̻̝̝̮̼o͈̟̩͓͓̬u͙_  
̜̖͙̜͈͇I̬̲̦̝ṭ'͇͙̪̬s͔̜̭̤̮̩͓͎ͅ ̫͈̩̤͖̖̟̞y̦̲̪̲o͓̦͕͇̭̜̻u̬̰̣ ̻̩͓̣̱͇̝̫i̻͇̻t̗̥̹̯̺̟̲͓͙'̺͖͙̰͔̗s̱̺ ̠̗y̬̱o͚̳͚̻u̱̖̲ͅ ̖͙i̻̘̜͖͍̩̝͙ṯ̝͚'̫͈̝̮̤̙͙̭s͎̘̹͖ ̞̰̺̫͇̖y̼͇͖͓͖͚o̗͔̙̜̲u̞̗̩ ̠͈̜̲̺̪̳w̤͓̱h̪̭̠̪̥o̹͈̳ ̬̼͔̘k̟̩̩̦i̼͉̗̖̜l̖͉̮̘ͅḷ̼̲͔̮͍e͉̺͍̠d̖̖͉̫ ̖͉̯̩̭̱̼y̬̰͔̝̭̣̦̲ͅo̠͍̮u͈͇̥̟̩͎̤r̯̥̦͎s̞̫̦̩͎e͓̼̗͖l͖̤̖̦̳̱͎f̩̟  
̣̩͇̼͕̮̲S̞̱̘̥͙̩̖̰h̳͚e̮̹̬̪̮ ̗̟̮̱n͙͖̗̘̤e̬̻͍̟̯̫v̦͍͈͔̣̻̼̻e̞̦͚̺̤̮͉͖͈r̩̮̪̦̱͚̘̼ ̮w̗a̺̩̙̦ͅn̠̪̮͓̹t̤͙̳̮̮e̞̱̭̰͔̻d̞̺ ̭̙̯͍̖͓̟̖͕a̯̻͕ ̯̖̦̲b̹͈̲o̘͓̟͓̝̳̬y̥̣̜,͇̩̜̯ ̥͇s̮͎h̫̮̪͚̬̬e͉̳̦̮̹ ̦̣͖̙͓̥̩͔n͈̗̳̗e͕͚̠̻͕v̮̠̱̜̣e͈r̺̦ ̞̣̹̯w̳̩̹̖̤̗͚a̲͉̗̩̜n͎͎̦ṯ̼̥̫e͕̪͈d͚͔̯͓͔͖͎̹ͅ ̭̹̦a̦̱̝̥͕͚͔ ̺s̻̭̟̼o̩̳̭n̪̗̳  
̬͓̙̭I͔͔̹̻͙̲t͕̭̠̞'̝̯̯̗̖̭̘̗s͇̬̟̗̱͙̩̯ ̮̱̱̩̞̠̥h̠̰̼̩̳̮e̩̠̪̝̪͚ͅr̳͇̤ ̘̟͉͈i̗̟͓t̮̙̦'͇̦͉̻̰͈̖̱s̬̳̝̻̭ ̰̜̝h͉̙̗̝̖̯ͅe͕̦͕̼̩͍͈r͔̳̼̜̤͎̖̠ ̩̣̜͎̞̖̙͉͕i̞̟͉̼̟t̫̜̣̪̱'̺̙̩̤s̞̳̻ ̖̫̤h͉̘̟̬e̫̳̖̤̜r͈͍̝̫̞̘ ̫̫̣͈̹̲w͇͎̩h̪̠o̰̩̦ ̠͚̫͚̙͙̱ͅw͓a̗̺n͈͎̝̫̙͎̭t̞̗̬͍̖͙s̤̭̺ ͔͉̖̻͓y̜̗͉̙o͙ụ̞͖̣͙̜̱ ̲͚̲d̞̯̦͓e͈̣̙͎̜͔̹ͅaͅd̘̭̤̪͓̪̫  
̣̖͙̗H̗͕̼̫͉e͙̻ ̤̥̯̪̖ͅd̞̝̝̤i͍̪̠͇d̰̖̯̦̤n͇̤̫'̩̫̩t̠͉̩͙̲ ̘̲̦̠̖̩̗w̙̩͎͓̫̹̰a͎̥͎̬ͅn̬t̞̲͖̮̜͓̘ ̟̥͔̹t̳̘͇͖o̯̗͍ ̟͍̩͙l̻͉e̩̫̪̠̮͈t̮̯̱̲̘̘̳ ͙̬̖͓̳̗͓͖y̲͍̣̪̬̭͇̞o͍̮̲̟̘̖̗̝̱u̩͍̣̦ ͓g̭̯͔̼o̪̪̳,̯̪͚ ̘̫̞̖͖̼ḥ̼̥̗̗̜̱͈e͓̙͎̗̯̟̗ ͎̹̩̻̤̖̪w̤͖̩̗̳̭̠̲̥ạ̠̰n͙̩̦̠̪̯̼͍t͙̠̦̻̟̮̥̗e̥̻̗̻̮̬̗͇d̹̗ ̟̖̤̗̗̩̪ͅy̥̞ͅo̬͖̯̜̹̖̱u͙̬̙̘̝̹͚͔ ̳̳̞y̗̻̻̟̺̤ọ̩͎͔̬̺u̬̥͉͎͙ͅ ̗͉̠͚͇y͖̺̝͔̱̬̰ͅo͉u̳̺̭̬͇̰̬  
̰̼̮͓̩ͅI͕t̖̖̰̦'̲̘̩̺͙̫s̠ͅ ̤̲̫̪̮̱̮͇͖h͓̪̺̮̣͍i͕̘̘m̪͚̻͕ͅ ̰̥̳͙i̩̝t͉̠͔͉'͖̲s̬̝͈̩̠̳ ̟̝̭̤h̦i̻͚̙̜͖̗̥̥m̠͙͖ ̭͎̟͖͓i̪̮̩̗̮̣̩ͅt̲̼̘̖̗̼̺'̘̻̻͚͇s͚̼͉̻͖ ͉̟̖̭h̤̗̫͈͚͚͔̫i̺̖̬m̭̬̱͕͔ͅ ̱̤̥̦̭̯̪̮̤w͚̟h̺̦̭̥͎͖̙o̤͎̪̯̭̮͖͚̻ ̬̦̩̣f̟̤͔̼u̟͇c̜̙͕̘̰ͅk̫̩̮̘̻͍̺͖͎e͕̣͙̮͖d̗̙ ̬̦ͅy̮̱̜͈̗̠ͅo͉̥̫̱u̗͇̟̭͇͕͍̲ ͙̥͍̬̲̠̖ͅụ̪̳͙̬͖̝p̬̲̤̟̪ͅ  
͍Y̗̯o̼̝̟̯͉u͍̣̮̘͍̙̥̥ ͖͔̥̣a̳̰͙̠̠̖ͅr͍̫̗e̻͚̥̥ ̘̣̼̩̫̞̼n̟̯o̗̪̺t͈̻͖ͅ ̯̤̯̯a̝̹̼̝̺̥l̖ḻ͔̘̥͈͓o̻͎̼̪w̟̗̜e͉̤̼͔͍ḓ ͇̼t̠̮͖̩o̬̖̤͔̙̪ͅ ͓͙͕͉̩̞l͍̭̱̳o̘v̘̪̞̯͎͓̞̖ͅe̜͚̝̗͚̬ ͙̰̼̖̗̦̼a̟͎̲n̹̫̪̭y͍͚͇̣̻̞o̰̙n̳e̼̰̯ ̟̭̺̳͉̳̰ͅ  
̘̮̥̖Y̯̜̻͓̻͙o͚̰ṷ ̭͓̙ͅa̱͇̙̱r̗̣̝̳ͅe͉̠̲̪ ̯̪̗͕ͅn͖̫̺̭̣͎̜o̞̯͙͇̤̭t̼̘̠͈͕ ̜f̖͇̯̹̰̖͔̖r̼͍̦̣̞e̳̤͓̱̺̰͚̺̟e̦͙͈̦̩͔̼ ̥̬͖̼̭̥̫t͍̩͈͖̹o̻̪̬͓̝ ͚͓b̞̥̯̖e͉̼ ̰͉̹͖͔̪̲̪l̟͓͇̥̬̖̘ͅo̘̱͇͇͈v̝͕̻̥̰͉e̪̺͙̘̲̺ͅd͖̗͔  
̮̗̻Y͇̘̠̟̼͈͓̖o͙̘̮̹͕̣̰͍u͙͉̣̰̮̖͍ ̺a͖̙͖̠͕̠ͅͅṛ͚͈͍̣̘̱e̝̳̮̭̪͈ ̯̘̘w͉̭̺̪̱ͅo̤r̪͍̭̥̺̺̰t͓̥͔̺̞̪h͔͙͈͍l̜͇̖̩͚̺e͙̱̝͇̪̮s̱̦͕͍̹̱̻ͅs̼̠̜̭̳̘͎̫ ͔̯̹̗̪̰̯͉  
̯͈Y̼̻̙͔̲̘̣o̱̺̥u̹͓̜̫̙͔̲ ̗̤̦a̝ṟ̩̭̙e̥̩̬̼̜ ̖̺̘͚̯̬s̹̟͔̮̩̯c͍͉̼̪̹u̻̤m̺  
̩̮͚̭̞Y̻̞̖͓̺o̹̫̬̞̭͍͕̱̦ụ̦̙̥̠̤͍ ̘̘͖̝͇͈̱̮a͎̟̰̫̭͓ṛ͍̗̳̹̪̱e̫̝͇̬͎͎͉ͅ ̞̦͍d̼̙͎̪̬̣e̲͎a̺̮̱ͅd͖̻̦̫̤͙̲̥͍

 

_No one ever loved you no one ever wanted you_

_It's you it's you it's you who killed yourself_

_She never wanted a boy she never wanted a son_

_It's her it's her who wants you dead_

_He didn't want to let you go he wanted you you you_

_It's him it's him it's him who fucked you up_

_You are not allowed to love anyone_

_You are not free to be loved_

_You are worthless_

_You are scum_

_You are dead_

*

Every night it ended in the same way.

With him passed out onto the bed, victorious over his suicidal impulses, survivor of the wasteland of his mind.

Undefeated after his battle against the merciless walls of that cage he had been trapped into.

And every time, just seconds before giving in to the need of his body, he would see a crying child in the corner of the room.

Calling for someone to hear him.

*

The next day, after a couple of hours of restless sleep, it was Doctor Shiba who greeted him with a tray in his hand.

The old man had always been patient with him, helping him out since the incident had occurred six years prior, assigning his case to the best physicians he could find to follow him on the path of recovery.

Being the universally acclaimed diagnostician that he was, Doctor Shiba was a very busy man indeed, but he always found time for those in need, being the Head of the medical entourage of the Academy and esteemed member of the board of directors of the CCGS hospital facility. Furthermore, the man had always been of the idea that food could solve any problem on Earth...hence the breakfast tray.

They chatted quietly by the window, discussing the terms of Haise's rehabilitation and period of pails leave at home.

For as tired as the young man was, with his stinging eyes and sore throat, he tried with all his might to present himself as bubbly and relaxed as possible in front of the Doctor.

But his responses seemed fake even to his own ears, let alone his attempts at eating what Shiba had bought him that morning.

Every chew, every bite, every swallowed mouthful of food was able to make hie eyes tearing instantly at the taste.

Everything was too intense, too disgusting for him to savor...even the consistency of the simplest things was difficult to overlook given the premises.

But he did his best to pretend he was alright.

So that he could be taken home as soon as possible.

*

Out of nowhere, his self-proclaimed chauffeur for the day appeared on his door right before Doctor Shiba could bid Haise farewell.

Takizawa had never seemed happier...nor "sparklier", to use a neologism.

California had changed their appearance quite a bit, tanning their skin and...dying silver their hair apparently. It was clear they were still in vacation-mode, wearing a pineapple-printed Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts, but his heart-shaped sunglasses were able to force a chuckle out of Haise nonetheless.

«This place is boring, let's get out of here.», they playfully prompted after giving their regards to the doctor and various nurses along the way to the hospital main hall.

They had took all of (untouched) books previously bought there by Mutsuki and put them in a backpack, guiding Haise to the parking lot where Shirazu was anxiously waiting for them by the car, seating on the passenger seat of Takizawa's minivan while drinking a can of soda.

The kid sputtered a bit when he caught a glimpse of the two adults, sprinting out of the car to take the heavy backpack from Takizawa's shoulders.

Saiko and Mutsuki had been busy that morning with some examination at school, but the boy had obtained a permit from Professor Tanakamaru to leave during lunch break. Haru had been too tired to come and say goodbye, but she had insisted on inviting Haise to her small birthday party next month.

The kid explained all of these things to an unexcited Haise who simply nodded at his pupil's cues and anecdotes. But they eventually stopped talking by the time Takizawa hit the ground running and getting the car up to speed, holding onto their seatbelt for the entirety of the road.

When they arrived in front of the Chateau, Shirazu's only comment on that extra corporeal experience was simple, but very effective.

«...Sassan...you're still the worst driver ever.»

At which, Haise surprised himself by laughing.

*

Home was...a mess, to say the least.

Takizawa and Shirazu entered the hall fist, leaving Haise on the doorstep...watching with anguish and frustration what remained of his poor house.

He stepped inside carefully, observing with suspicion what seemed to be dust on the floor, accumulated in over a week of neglect. He ignored the happy chatting coming from the kitchen, too distracted by the sight of discarded clothing and personal belongings onto the sofas, table, and chairs.

The young man even forgot to close the door behind himself because of his absolute incredulity towards what had happened to his...

...was that the slimy (but still fresh) residue of an omelet on the kitchen ceiling?

"They're not even able to take care of themselves.", he maliciously thought, immediately regretting his bitter and moody prejudice.

Feeling like someone would have beaten him up from above if he were to voice his reprimand.

_You shouldn't be a parent...you selfish bastard...you fake..you..._

He lowered his head, breathing slowly in order to suppress the voice within his mind, silencing it for good before it could destroy him once again.

Takizawa had apparently bought some groceries to fill the fridge, and was now explaining to Shirazu how they were able to convince their university mentor to prolong their stay in Japan. They discussed the perks of being a lucky parent of two very smart girls...all without interruption in their speech while reorganizing Haise's fridge contents without his permission.

But the young man was too preoccupied with looking at the remains of his own room to care about how Takizawa could be a better parent than him.

Looking through the door left ajar, he could see his bed perfectly made, the sparkling floor, and even the folded comforters in a corner on his desk chair. And yet, when he opened the door completely and walked slowly inside...he was somewhat able to sense that something was off. That had to be the only clean room in the entire house, like the kids had put twice the effort to make it seem nothing had changed since the last time he had stepped out of the Chateau.

But the truth was there...right in the closet.

_Where you should have remained in the first place._

He opened the sliding doors and found his office clothes put neatly on the racks, folded with great care...even if someone had had some trouble with ironing them. The other side of the wardrobe, however, had been emptied completely...the boxes of makeup gone, the dresses vanished, the wigs probably destroyed.

It was like half of his life had been canceled entirely from reality itself.

It felt echoey and empty.

It hurt.

So much he couldn't believe it.

«...we've send your stuff to be dry-cleaned in downtown.», Ginshi suddenly said, catching Haise's attention from the door, «We didn't want to ruin your dresses...so we thought to make them clean by professionals. And we've done the same with the wigs...but I'm afraid the...the prosthesis will have to be thrown away...you know...after being stepped over and stuff.», the boy concluded, muttering the last part with a red face while balling up his fists in his jeans pockets.

He was clearly uncomfortable with the subject of his mentor's removable breast implants, but had made the effort to talk about it nonetheless.

They had costed quite a bit, that was true, but as long as his shape-wear clothing was not damaged he could heave a breath of relief.

«...you don't have to tell us anything, Sassan.», the kid spoke once again, looking away from his mentor, clearly embarrassed by the topic at hand, «We're just happy to have you back home with us...and we'll wait until you will be ready to talk to us, okay?»

Without even a noncommittal response or gesture from his mentor, Ginshi stepped out of the door and asked Takizawa to help him clean the house before he had to go back to school for his afternoon classes.

Giving Haise just the space he needed at that very moment.

*

Back-from-the-Academy-Saiko had always been quite the experience for Haise, having to wait patiently for her to stop talking excitedly about what had happened to her that day. But when she entered the garden, followed by a tired and sluggish Mutsuki, Haise's baby girl looked rather pale and insecure.

It was like she hadn't expected him to wait for their return at all.

Like she wasn't able to recognize the young man seating by the entrance steps at the end of the small path leading to the house.

Mutsuki too appeared strange, probably uncertain about his own next move towards their mentor...but willing enough to try his best for the sake of the family. He greeted Haise with a forced smile on his face, perhaps in a vague attempt to not attract any kind of attention to the eyepatch covering his right eye...memento of the previous strife he had with his boyfriend.

Haise rose from the doorstep, silently asking them to come nearby by opening his arms.

Mutsuki immediately strode into his embrace, giving up any presence of nonchalance by burying his face under his mentor's chin.

But Saiko waited for a long time before following her brother, treading on eggshells towards them while fisting the hem of her uniform.

She refused to look into Haise's eyes for the entirety of the contact, a hug that seemed forced and unnatural now that Saiko had put her stiff and tense arms around the young man's waist...like she didn't want to be there.

Like she wasn't comfortable enough with him anymore.

*

Dinner was silent and cold in the beginning.

Saiko suggested to order some takeaway from the nearest Vietnamese and call it a day, but Mutsuki insisted on giving it another try with the infamous omelet. Unfortunately, Shirazu was nowhere in sight to remind him how it had ended up that very morning...and the evening proceeded with Haise looking distractedly at the ceiling, counting down his son's failed attempt to turn over some egg and vegetables mixture on a frying pan.

On the other hand, Saiko was too unhappy and tired to scold her brother for his stubbornness, and the kids ended up even sadder than before.

They sat at the table like their favorite pet had just died in front of them...and Haise had enough.

He wasn't energetic in the slightest for that shit, but he had to do it.

His facade of pretended happiness and go-to-lucky-behavior was actually able to scare them even more, for he was too serious and driven to appear genuine and honest at all. He rolled up one of his sleeves before remembering he couldn't possibly do the same thing with the other one because of his right hand. This frustrated him even more, until the point he had to shrug off his shirt to move freely around. He silently dismissed Mutsuki's attempts to help him by glaring at the poor kid, before actually excusing himself and saying with a dangerous tone he was able to do it alone.

The kitchen stove came back to life once he had turned the gas on, and the vegetables Takizawa had stuffed their fridge with looked good enough for some steaming. And so Haise, left in a black and sweaty tank top and jeans way too skinny for his own good, dripping with anger and bottled-up shame and helplessness and so on...Haise fussed over the stoves searching for the utensils that were already in front of him.

Stressed out and sad, unsatisfied and lonely, the young man began biting at his lower lip to conceal his emotions. Feeling useless with that hand by his side, unable to provide for his kids now that he had to be a pitiful fucking victim of a fucking abuse.

And he trashed at the drawers, rummaging through spatulas and spoons like his life depended on it...until a knife made its way into his palm, cutting it deep.

He cussed, shoving the harmful tool away from him, making it hit the fridge with a ringing and dreadful noise.

But then, right when he was about to punch the counter in utter desperation, two small arms crushed him into their embrace...and a mumbling voice spoke its pleads for mercy.

«Maman...stop it...», the girl said, crying and tightening her grip on Haise's waist.

Making the young man reconsider everything he ever thought to knew about her.

«...you're hurting yourself. Stop it.»

And it was thanks to those tiny hands that he was able to finally crush down from his restless oblivion, at last recognizing in what state he had just reduced the kitchen, the pantry, and even the floor.

Blood began to coagulate on his left palm, leaving behind only the tingling sensation of a distant and forgotten sorrow. His knees gave up on him, forcing him to face his reflection on the oven door...and he wondered how it would have been like to blast open the gas or to shove his own head inside the kitchen appliance in front of him.

But inside that snarling reflection, right above where his heart laid unfazed, he saw those tiny hands clutch at his top...trembling with Saiko's sobs. And her crying voice echoed through the empty ring ace of her mentor, shaking him back to life with each powerful word.

«Stop it now, I don't want you to act this way...»

Just like when they used to pull their hair...and "she" beat them down saying those exact words.

«...why are you keeping up with this?»

Just like when they tried to free themselves from the ropes...and "he" though their trashing and screaming was funny to watch.

«...please, Haise.», Saiko pleaded, before being joined by Mutsuki, who had been silently watching the scene from afar until then. Bot of his kids were now embracing him, caging him to the ground, waiting for him to come back to them.

And jus before that nagging voice inside his head could ruin everything once again...Tooru spoke what that voice would never tell.

What that monster inside of him could never get.

«...we love you Haise. Please...please forgive us for neglecting you.», the boy nearly shouted, hugging him tightly by the neck, wetting his right temple with tears of resolution and determination, «We love you lots...calm down...it's okay...we'll manage somehow I promise.»

The young man didn't cry, nor did he glared at them for making him feel so utterly useless and humiliated.

But he gave them the benefit of the doubt, letting them rock him back and forth until he was able to calm down sitting on the kitchen floor.

Only then he noticed how little he was able to feel...how unable he was to speak, even, given what was happening to him...

The kids, however, did their best to never let him go.

Until he finally found the words he was looking for.

Words that reminded him of many things.

Some of which horrible, some of which not so bad...but hurtful nonetheless.

«I'm sorry. I'll be good from now on...I promise.»

The kids said nothing to that, probably scared by the hollowness of his voice. They embraced him a little tighter, waiting for their sobs to cease.

When the door in the hall opened, revealing a confused and pale Shirazu, Mutsuki and Saiko weren't able to greet him properly, surely unable to trust their own voice after having cried so much just moments before.

Haise, on his behalf, kept staring at the reflection of the kitchen in the oven...before suddenly sprinting on his feet to welcome the boy like nothing happened. He startled both Mutsuki and Saiko in the process, who didn't have time to rise from the ground as he had just done, too spooked by his change of mood to understand what was exactly happening.

«Ginshi...would you be so kind to cook for us tonight?», Haise asked, pointing at his unmoving right hand in order to explain his strange request.

«I'm afraid I will not be able to do it for a very long time. I tried...but it ended up in a mess. Saiko and Mucchan stopped me after I injured myself. Would you please make us dinner from now on?», he continued, knowing all too well the kid would never let it go if they simply opted for some takeaway.

Shirazu had to be kept busy...otherwise his mentor would have never seen the end of it.

And he really... _really_ wanted to call it a day as soon as possible that night.

*

They ate in silence, but not the comfortable one they had been used to.

Shirazu told them all about his examinations and how positive he was to have outsmarted his professors this time around. Mutsuki looked green from nausea at the thought of eating the rice Ginshi had prepared, but even so he regularly picked at his bowl, willing to try. Saiko stuffed her mouth with seconds and some more, munching away tears and feelings altogether.

Haise put more soy sauce than necessary onto his portion, purposely forcing himself to feel sick and look miserable in order to be excused from dinner as fast as he could. Using chopsticks with his left hand was difficult too, but he refused to take a spoon and consequently being pitied by the kids.

He mindlessly asked for Urie's whereabouts...but no one answered him.

The young man didn't want to raise his voice in front of them, but the simple gesture of lowering down his chopsticks with too much force was able to make Shirazu talk.

Way too effective as a method to force the truth out of them.

Too convenient, indeed.

«He comes home twice a week to retrieve some clothes...but I think he stays at the Accounting Department most of the time.», the boy said, scratching at his shaved head to calm himself, «He...he has that draft to file in at the end of this month...so he's busy researching I think.»

No one spoke after that.

*

Haise finished his meal and went to the sink to wash his bowl.

He then greeted the kids and fled to his room, leaving them muttering quietly to themselves.

After a long shower spent staring at his feet while hitting the tiles with his head, the young man put on some sweatpants and a loose shirt, items that he had retrieved from the closet without looking at the empty compartments. However, once he had made his bed anew and piled as many pillows as he could by the headboard, Haise looked around in search of something to occupy his mind with...and he saw it.

The mirror nearby, hanged somewhat askew next to his bed, had been smashed in a couple of spots...like someone had thrown something in its direction.

The reflection in itself had caught Haise by surprise, since his face had been multiplied in the first place...but what confused him the most had been his own appearance.

Skinnier, paler than ever, with roots so long it was difficult to understand what color his hair were. He didn't recognize that reflection as his own for a very long time, staring bleakly at those gray eyes that didn't seem to belong to him any longer.

Then, a wondering thought made its way into his mind, reminding him how simple it could have been to just...forget everything.

To simply leave reality behind once and for all.

"Where did I left my pills again?"

However, right before he could begin his quest for the small container Furuta had given him, a phone began to ring in the distance.

It took him a while to recognize the sound even if it had startled him, and looking for the phone inside drawers and cupboards was a new experience for him, since he wasn't the type to hide it in the first place. But he dismissed any doubts as soon as he found it.

For the caller ID had significantly brighten up his mood just by reading it.

TK.

«Hi, it's Touka.», said the young woman from the other side.

Only after hearing her voice Haise was able to remember her intention to call him, as she had promised him just the previous day, «...shit, I'm sorry. I forgot to let you know I've been discharged this morning.»

«Oh, don't worry. I haven't gone to the hospital to check on you.», she reassured him, happy to know he was finally safe at home, «Are you okay?»

«...oh, yeah. Don't worry.»

«You know I can hear you lying to me, right?», she asked, not pleased in the slightest with his play-pretending pitiful self.

«Let's say homecoming has been tough...up until now at least.»

She got quiet at that point, perhaps afraid to know more about his personal life, «...and what about that scary person in your room?»

He honestly could have survived without any mention of Matsuri, but Haise only dismissed Touka's apprehension with a chuckle.

«Yeah, I'm sorry for that...my boss was just checking on me, that's all.»

«He seemed quite the rich prick...are those of his sort the kind to "check" on mere employees?»

Damn.

She was smarter than what he had initially thought.

And she seemed smarter than him to begin with.

«...well, he promoted me just a couple of weeks ago. I assume he didn't want me to slack off too much.»

«Did he threatened you in any way, Haise?»

Suddenly, memories of Ui's concern flowed into his mind at those words...making him feel quite uncomfortable at the idea of being surrounded by so many observant people in his life.

«Not at all, don't worry. He's just scary on the outside, believe me.», he reassured her while seating on the mattress.

She didn't say anything related to that topic after that...like she was trying to wrap her mind around some matter that required too many proofs to be grasped on the phone. However, after a prolonged but not less comfortable silence, she spoke with a soft voice and a wondering tone.

«I was waiting the right time to ask you something...»

«...is something wrong?», Haise asked, concerned about her dejected tone, «Do you need anything?»

«...nothing much. Although it's a bit of an hassle, so feel free to say no.»

Vaguely intrigued more than frustrated, Haise listened carefully to her while leaning back on the pillows.

She heaved a sigh before continuing, apparently embarrassed to ask for something.  
«...can I come visit you sometime?», she said, probably fidgeting with her multiple keychains judging by the noise in the background. «I had to explain myself to my uncle for leaving the shop earlier than usual and now he's...kinda...I mean...he's kinda worried for me and...»

«He wants to see what kind of sleazeball you have the hots for.», he joked, trying with all his might to earn a laugh out of her.

«...I will never admit to such a thing.», she pettishly retorted, sounding relieved nonetheless, «But...would you be our host all the same?»

«You just want me to meet your family.», he dared her, easily slipping into their familiar bantering and back-and-forth-not-so-subtle flirting.

«More like I just want my uncle to stop pestering me because of you.»

«Touka, such a sap you are...»

«I am certainly not, thank you very much.»

They chuckled at the same time after that, at ease with each other now that the awkwardness was out of the way.

«...I've missed this.», she suddenly revealed, before cutting herself off like she hadn't meant to say that out loud.

But Haise realized quite fast how difficult must have been for her to stay away from him in the weeks leading to his examination...or even more than that...

«...how long as it been since you felt this comfortable with someone, Touka?», he asked, honestly interested.

The keychains rattled softly in the distance, sound of her insecurity and maybe fear.

«Eight years...at least.», she finally said.

«Well then, good for us...don't you think?»

«Definitely.», she quickly agreed, smiling while talking with him.

*

They planned Touka's visit for the upcoming week, given that Haise had still to sort out a couple of things with the kids and the mess he had created.

When he briefly explained to her that he was the mentor of four kids and that he had said and done some hurtful things in the heat of one of his mood swings, the young woman refused to believe he had just confessed to her to be the parent of a bunch of children and that he was (for a lack of a better term) "manhandling" them on top of all.

More than shocked by his revelation, the girl seemed frustrated by his lack of determination in regards to move his sorry ass in order to make it up to his kids. She shouted quite a bit on the phone, restating her intention to "check on those poor souls" by the end of the week, anticipating her visit by a couple of days.

But, for as much as Touka's speech had been a lecture in every possible way, it was exactly what Haise had needed to snap out of his laziness.

And, once the call ended, the young man found himself looking forward to have a chat with the kids the next morning...

...even if the thought scared him to no end all the same.

*

He didn't sleep.

He was tired, but didn't get under the sheets out of stubbornness.

The conversation with Touka had forced him to _think_ at last, having being reminded of all the responsibilities he had towards the kids.

Matsuri's words too had made their way through the folds of his restless mind, sticking into his brain the need to to everything in his power to satisfy his supervisor in order to oppose the disbandment of the CCGS program for peculiar children.

By the end of the night, Haise had compiled a mental list of things to do and he felt positive enough about his ability to achieve his many goals.

Although tempted to greet the kids with breakfast, the young man was reminded of his inability to use both of his hands the moment he tried to open the door with the unmoving one, hitting hit rather painfully on the knob.

The deep cut in the left palm had been bandaged up nicely enough to let him use that hand, but somehow he had forgotten entirely about his current state, completely forgotten of his (hopefully) temporary disability.

Vaguely ashamed of himself for having thrown a tantrum in the kitchen the previous evening, Haise sat quietly on the ground leaning his forehead on the wall nearby the door.

Listening to the soft noises of the the Chateau, waiting to sense his kids preparing for the day.

With closed eyes while rocking back and forth, he imagined Ginshi springing up from bed and tossing over the quilt, screaming on top of his lung that they were, indeed, late and that the lot of them would be scolded for good this time. And he would have marched intoSaiko's room to force her awake, bribing her with sweets and whatnots.

Mucchan would have panicked too, going straight to the bathroom with his too big pajamas getting in the way as always. Then, the bathroom door would have opened, revealing a freshly showered and perfectly dressed Urie, who would have looked at Tooru's flustered face from above, enjoying every second of it.

A pang of sorrow suddenly hit Haise's heart at the thought of Urie, but he tried to focus on those happy images for as much as he could.

After a while he noticed no one a part from him appeared to be moving around the house.

He was too tired to actually fret over the fact that his kids could be late, like he would have been in the past...but found the energy to rise from the ground nonetheless, willing to find an answer to his doubts.

He left his room and wandered into the hall, proceeding then up the stairs to reach the floor above. His gaze lingered on the doors of his pupils' rooms, left ajar to let him see if there was anyone sleeping still. But the more he walked past the bedrooms, the more he caught a glimpse of what their life had been without him.

Tooru's room was pristine and organized, like he had preferred to bury himself into his old compulsive routine instead of enjoying life with the others.

Ginshi's one was occupied by books upon books, cram school volumes about whatever subject he was struggling with.

Saiko's small universe was a stinky mess of empty snack envelopes and tossed over magazines.

Treading softly towards Urie's door, however, Haise couldn't bear to look inside...for he was sure of what he would have seen.

A perfectly made bed, untouched since who knew how many days, with the sheets covered by dust and neglect.

Defeated and crushed by remorse, the young man slowly shuffled his way to the kitchen...  
...to finally find a note on a plastic container placed onto the counter.

The note said: "Sorry Sassan, we left early. Today is the last day of classes and we have a ceremony to attend. We'll be back before dinner, please eat breakfast and order something for lunch on speed dial. See you soon."

Fantastic.

He actually forgot about their last day of attendance at the Academy.

Haise took the note in his left hand and look with infinite sadness at the tray Shirazu had left him under the plastic lid, his mind relentlessly searching for memories of the previous year's celebration for the end of their school year.

At that time they were happy, all gathered in the back garden around the grill to savor some nice barbecue and enjoy each other's company. And now here he was...standing in front of some cold breakfast, alone at home, left behind by his children who didn't want him around.

Caged far away from what he used to be.

Haise rose his gaze to see the back garden through the windows, to see if the trees were still green like they had been the previous year...but saw nothing but rain instead.

A gray, wet, cold film of drops that was lowering a curtain of despair and sorrow onto the bright past.

Onto what once had been, and now was no more at all.

*

Someone once had told him that online shopping was a cure for most evils on Earth.

He couldn't remember who was the one to declare such truth but, judging from the materialistic perspective, it had to be Takizawa.

Well, if that was the case, Takizawa hadn't been exactly wrong about that, but certainly they hadn't been right either.

After all, Haise had just spent the entire afternoon ordering books to study German in order to satisfy Matsuri's necessities...and that couldn't possibly be considered as a mean to fight the ways of evil, as Taki had probably suggested in the past.

He closed the laptop in front of him, heaving a small sigh while leaning back on the chair at the dinner table.

He hadn't bought the textbooks before because he didn't want to risk it with his examination getting closer by the days...he wasn't superstitious per se, but he thought there was nothing wrong about trying to avoid bad luck every once in a while.

Looking at the capacity of his shopping basket, the young man considered the possibility to make Matsuri pay for everything by presenting him the bill for his books. However, such pettish and reckless action could have offered his supervisor's enemies an easy way to accuse him for unprofessional acts of favoritism...hence the necessity for Haise to spend his own money on the loathed books in order to save his boss from exposure.

He sincerely hated to think like a lawyer sometimes.

Grateful he didn't have to go back to work any time soon, the young man would have loved to think about all of the things he finally got the chance to do...but he found himself to be too tired to even imagine how to occupy the rest of the day. Let alone try to plan the future three months away from the office.

He used to have a knack for timetables and planning, so much people thought it was creepy of him to organize his days by the minute. Even so, he had always found it soothing and reassuring...compartmentalizing his life in secure little activities, carefully administrated and well thought out.

However, he had never been free of tasks or obligations to care about, not even after his graduation a year in advance.

He had still the kids to look after...but for some reason that particular duty was making him nauseous to the core.

And that, more than anything, was what made him ashamed of himself.

 _Why don't you love them?_ , asked the little kid that sometimes popped out of nowhere...now sitting on top of the dinner table, in front of him.

The white haired child was rocking back and forth, his legs crossed, his tiny hands wrapped around the overlapped ankles.

_Why do you keep lying to them? Shouldn't you be their guardian, their mentor...their parent, even?_

The little kid wasn't addressing the matter with words of accusation, but with curiosity instead.

And Haise would have liked to explain to him that no, he didn't hate his pupils in the slightest, that he loved them deeply, that he couldn't think to live without them...but he decided to kept quiet instead.

Not at all comfortable with the idea of talking to an imaginary child sitting on his table.

 _Maybe that's the reason then_ , the child said, tilting his head in deep thought. _Maybe you can't live on your own...because you never lived for yourself in the first place_ , he concluded, fussing over his small suspenders with a bored expression.

Suddenly, the door opened, revealing Mutsuki, Saiko, and Shirazu coming back from the Academy.

No Urie in sight, as always.

Haise initially regarded them with a frustrated look, waiting for them to dispose of their bags and jackets before moving from the table.

Wishing they could see the child sitting crosslegged on it before he disappeared.

But when he rose from his chair and glanced over the table...the kid was gone.

And he knew he had to deal with his own kids on his own.

He greeted them with a stern bow, apologizing profusely for the behavior he had showed them the night before. He was even willing to crouch down to the ground in order to be forgiven for his childish behavior...but hoped to be exempted by such show of humiliation from his part.

Rising from his bowed position, however, he couldn't help but feel bad at the idea of being so selfish and cruel towards them.

"I didn't even asked them how their last day of school had been.", he thought to himself, looking sharply at his kids while they gathered around him.

He realized he was no different from "her".

And he felt like drowning.

Hoping to have some stones in his pockets.

«You don't need to apologize, Teach.», Mutsuki said, smiling broadly even if it was clear he was stressing it a little too much, «It's only fair for us to be the ones taking care of you in a moment of need. So...don't worry about it.»

Haise looked at the three of them with a numb look on his face, like he wanted to push any hope far away from the realm of possibility. He was skeptical about their ability to understand what was going on in his life at that very moment, nor did he believe they would love him no matter what...

...but he was willing to try, in the end.

If not for himself, for them at least.

*

And so...they talked.

Sort of.

Like...only a bit.

But they did, contrary to Haise's expectations.

After Mutsuki's reassurance that he didn't have to explain himself, the young man had made sure the kids would sit at the table to listen to him. Shirazu had prepared some tea and they had sipped out of their cups for a while, enjoying the comforting sensation that came with the action.

The first bomb to detonate had been thrown by Mutsuki, who wanted to know if Haise was ever going to accept Matsuri's request for that position in Germany. Their mentor vaguely responded that he didn't know if the Committee would have been inclined to take him into consideration and that the recent events had probably put a hold to the all ordeal.

After all, there was no way to know how the higher-ups had reacted to Haise's kidnap...therefore, planning a journey to Europe was probably not the smart thing to do at the moment.

The second blow came from Shirazu, who asked him how did he planned to work abroad while still recovering.

Haise flinched at the kid's tone of voice, sensing concern beyond which he could receive...but eventually answered his question, telling them he was going to meet a therapist soon enough.

Saiko paled at that, lowering her head and looking at her cup of tea with a small frown on her face. She didn't asked anything afterwards, but Haise could hear her loud and clear.

"Are you gonna leave us too?"

That would have been her question if she had had enough courage to voice her fears.

*

Akira came by that evening, insisting on cooking for them.

That meant, coincidentally, that their stove was doomed to explode if the woman was ever seen nearby the flame.

They decided to order something instead, surprising Akira with some Taiwanese before she could even leave her shoes by the lobby.

She had her hair down, and the sight in itself was strange enough, but then Haise noticed how pale she was and the condition of her clothes, which needed to be pressed quite urgently, to say the least.

As always, Urie was missing. But Akira asked nothing about it.

At some point during dinner in front of the television, Mutsuki rose from his seat and asked to be excused from the dessert, since he had planned to look out for Urie before it was too late in the evening. Akira bid him farewell in a cheerful but forced manner, probably in a vague attempt to smooth out any tension in the room. Shirazu asked her about the girls, but Saiko tried to change topic more than once, even if Haise knew how much she would have loved to meet them at Akira's place.

It ended up with the kids bickering back and forth, until a loud growl came from Haise, who simply couldn't bear the idea of having to rise his voice in order to quiet their useless shouts and snarls. Both of them, however, got immediately the cue, finishing up their meal and retiring to bed earlier than usual.

Akira simply watched them shuffling away with their unhappy faces...without saying a single word to Haise about what had just happened.

Before she took off from the Chateau, Haise had mindlessly asked her what were the rumors at the CCGS for his disappearance from the workplace.

Akira had put on her worn-out jacket giving him a stern look, seemingly like she felt remorseful for some reason.

She told him people thought he had been involved in a car accident while searching for Urie, and that not a word had been spoken about his kidnapping.

In that moment, the woman's voice had appeared to him incredibly fragile and hollow, devoid end of any trace of emotion.

Like she hadn't spoke to him at all.

...just like his voice usually sounded to his own ears.

*

The day Touka arrived was a gloomy Sunday afternoon, and her presence had been anticipated by the biggest ruckus the Chateau had ever seen.

Everything had begun just the day before, when Haise had been explaining to the postal worker he couldn't sign the bill he was showing him because of a disability but that he could provide a digital signature with his phone. In enabling said function, he had noticed a text message from Touka, reminding him she and her uncle would have visited him the day after.

Shortly after, he had been greeted by the mail man...leaving him with boxes upon boxes of books on German language. When one of the kids had asked him why he was standing on the doorstep confusedly looking at his phone screen, the young man had simply mentioned they would have received guest for the next day.

Then...hell fell upon him.

Shirazu paled, Mutsuki gaped, and Saiko sputtered her tea.

Apparently, his kids couldn't believe he could have friends outside of his colleagues at the CCGS or those fellow guardians he was always talking about.

They began to discuss –openly and without the slightest bit of shame– about whoever might be visiting Haise so soon after his discharge...leaving him to dispose of his heavy packages alone.

And the lot of them persisted to mutter in the distance of Haise's perception, while he had left them to their mischievous intentions in order to look through the pages of his new books. Ignoring their embarrassing comments on his romantic life for as much as he could.

The next day, Touka and her uncle arrived late only by a couple of minutes, having to find a parking lot for their car before actually approach the house. Touka had been broadcasting live their journey, sending him hilarious vocal messages throughout the hour and a half they spent looking for the Chateau.

When they finally reached their destination, the young woman sent him yet another text, telling him she was outside of his front garden and that her uncle would have followed her soon enough.

And Haise couldn't possibly be more hopeful at the thought of having Touka in his home...finding difficult even restraining himself from hopping up and down in delight and nervousness. Even if he was constantly exhausted to that day still, even if he was too anxious and worn out for his own good.

He was determined to enjoy that afternoon.

Even if he felt weak and insecure.

He walked by the door to welcome Touka inside, but slowed his pace when he hard another voice coming from the courtyard.  
Urie's one.

«Have you lost yourself?», Urie asked, probably talking to one of Haise's guests. «Are you sure this is the right address?»

Haise hadn't heard from him in so long...he actually needed a second to regain his composure. Urie hadn't sounded snobbish or unhelpful, nor did he appear to be annoyed by the situation...he must have seen someone approaching the Chateau the mom not he was going to open the gate and tried to understand who they might have been.

He was still such a good kid...even after all Haise had done to destroy him.

The young man was suddenly taken aback from his reasoning when Touka's voice caught his attention.

«...yes, it is. Isn't this Sasaki Haise's residence?», she said with a kind voice.

Urie's lack of response made his guardian lean more heavily on the door left ajar, tension seeping through his pores like poison.

He peeked through the crack by the doorframe, taking in the sight in front of him.  
Urie was wearing his gym attire, while Touka had her lithe figure dressed in a lovely green sundress and a white pullover on her shoulders.

«Actually...it was you who called me the other day, am I right?», she asked him, smiling brightly at his surprised face, «I recognized you from the voice. Thank you for your consideration, I apologize for the trouble I caused to all of you.», she continued, bowing profusely in front of Urie.

Right then, another man was seen approaching them from around the corner: tall, with light hair, dressed casually enough to be effortless.

Urie regarded the man with a suspicious glance, but his presence near Touka didn't stop him from rise his chin and frown his forehead in a gesture of superiority.

«Whatever...you're probably another one of those freaks.», he retorted, ignoring the way the tall man was looking at him.

«I might be a freak, but I care for others just like anyone else.», Touka easily responded, like she was expecting that kind of behavior from Urie's part, «So thank you once again for letting me know Haise's whereabouts that day.»

In response to her kind behavior, Urie simply took off from there with a dismissing gesture of his hand, leaving them to find the way for themselves without turning back...having clearly changed his mind about coming home that day too.

And Haise couldn't possibly see him run away again from home.

He couldn't watch him with his sport bag in hand, walking in the opposite direction of the Chateau.

So he retreated inside, pushing the door closed with his shoulders, breathing in and out in order to calm down.

But when the doorbell rang, he had to welcome his guests, and it was with a great amount of suffering that he pried himself from the door...

...and greeted Touka and her uncle with a forced smile on his face.

*

«I used to tend a bar, but now I'm working under a manager in a café.», Touka's uncle had explained, answering one of the many questions the kids had asked them in an attempt to know them in the shortest amount of time.

The man had introduced himself as Yomo, and appreciated quite a bit Shirazu's coffee, savor in it while nodding his head in approval. He was stern on the outside, but Saiko had been regarding him with a wondering expression for a while now, making Haise suspect that his baby girl had figured him out already. Mucchan, on the other hand, couldn't take his eyes away from his broad chest and shoulders, probably considering the possibility to achieve such muscles with some athletic training.

In regards of Touka...well...

Haise couldn't take his eyes off of her, feeling somewhat proud of her and proud of the fact his kids had been able to meet her.

He had been fairly concerned about her arrival, but everything was going on smoothly enough...a part from the fact that, most certainly, all of his kids had already fallen in love with her.

Probably since she had stepped inside the house.

«The place was very old, but the man who owns it didn't want to sell it.», the young woman explained, talking in place of her uncle so he could drink his coffee in peace, «So we did some renovations and now it's been converted in a second hand bookstore café..."where costumes can enjoy the knowledge from the past while drinking delicious coffee!"», she added with a playful but ironic tone, like intoning that slogan like she despised every single bit of its sugary aftertaste.

Saiko had been lost the moment she gathered exactly just how sarcastic Touka was.

Ginshi couldn't even look at the woman without losing his ability to breathe.

And Tooru was simply admiring her like he couldn't believe she was real.

"A good enough meeting with the family, isn't it?", he quietly though to himself, smiling when Touka met his eyes.

«Mr Yoshimura wanted the shop to be a place where people could find what had been lost.», the young woman continued, looking at her uncle as if asking permission to continue, «...maybe even themselves, in some cases.», she concluded with a sad expression on her face.

Yomo put his cup back on the table, explaining what Touka had just said, «...we never talk about it at the shop, but Mr Yoshimura's daughter disappeared twenty years ago and never came back. He tried to find her...but she vanished into thin air.»

«Maybe that's why he didn't want to loose the place...since he now lives in a nursing home and his old house has been sold to another family.», Touka chimed in, rising her eyes in contemplation of such possibility, «Maybe he wanted for her to find a place to return to in the future, who knows...»

They looked at each other for a short while, but eventually diverted their gaze from one another and laid it on Haise instead.

The both of them watching him sadly, dismissing his silent concern in different ways, one by shaking his head, the other with a small smile on her face.

*

During their short visit, the two guests simply listened to the kids, apparently enjoying the conversation now that it wasn't focused on their business anymore.

Not that Yomo seemed annoyed by their previous show of curiosity, but he appreciated listening all about Haise's pupils' interests and activities. Yomo's quiet and collected behavior didn't hold back the kids from talking about themselves, and Touka did an amazing job with smothering out any apparent discrepancy by explaining what her uncle's growls and noncommittal responses really meant.

So, when Mutsuki bashfully mentioned his interest in athletics, Touka chimed in by letting him know that Yomo used to race as well when he was younger.

And after Saiko had quietly but firmly proclaimed her love for shonen manga, the young woman playfully nudged her uncle by the side, explaining afterwards that he was too a fan of the genre...pointing deviously at his increasingly blushing face.

But when it was Ginshi's turn to talk, the only thing he was able to voice was a simple observation about Touka's behavior.

And she was still chuckling at her uncle's expression when the kid suddenly spoke with honest words...leaving everyone in the room completely speechless.

«...you're exactly like Sassan.», he said, marveling at the woman in front of him, incredulous and hopeful at the same time. «You prefer to talk about others instead of talking about yourself...because you care for them deeply.»

All of them stared at him, expressing various levels of shock...especially Haise, who wasn't sure if his kid's comment could be perceived as simply rude or blatantly inconsiderate towards their guests.

Suddenly, a bright laugh broke the tension in the room, erupting from Touka's smiling lips and catching everyone's attention.

She was radiant in her delight, not at all offended by Ginshi's statement.

«...and I'm sure you're just the same, Shirazu.», she then pondered, bowing her head a little as to thank him for the compliment, making the boy stutter and blush in return, «Because you need to be a very considerate person to see your same virtues in others.»

If the kids had been fascinated by the young woman since her arrival...now they're totally head over heels for her.

Like flowers reaching for the sun...blinded by her charming personality alone.

However, for as much as the kids seemed to love her, once Haise had laid his gaze on Yomo, the young man noticed a sadness so deep in those dark eyes that it couldn't possibly be described by words. He was watching his niece like she was the most precious thing in the world...and its very illness all the same.

The same way Touka used to look at Haise when they first met.

Yomo was looking at his niece like she was a ghost...

...a waking dream and nothing but.

*

When Touka and Yomo left the house, the kids insisted for them to return soon, whenever they wanted.

In fact, their guests had been fussed over so much that Haise had barely time to catch Touka's attention, for she was too occupied in listening to Saiko's pleas for her return to actually notice him in a corner. But eventually she glanced in his direction, smiling at him and making him understand through gestures her intention to call him back later.

Once the both of them left for good, disappearing behind the corner of the street, only Saiko remained with Haise on the doorstep...looking intently in the direction where their guests had just proceeded to.

A determined look on her face, one like her guardian had never seen on her small face.

«...are you aware that you haven't spoke a single word today, Maman?», she suddenly asked, still reluctant to divert her eyes from the street.

Haise watched her closely, unable to understand if she was talking literally or metaphorically.

But when she felt brave enough to rise her head and looking him in the eyes, his baby girl appeared to him not like a kid anymore.

A little woman stood now in front of him, earnestly pouring her heart into that single gaze.

«I'll make sure you'll find your voice once again.», she declared, before entering the house once again...

...before leaving him outside with his thoughts and endless doubts.

*

For the rest of the week, the kids tried to enjoy the beginning of their summer vacation at their best, sleeping for as much as they needed to (given the previous weeks of caffeine-induced sleep-depriving study sessions) while waiting for their examinations to be marked and their scores to be posted on the Academy's website.

Well...all a part from Urie, who apparently had still a long way to go before being able to submit a decent enough draft for his thesis project.

Every day there was someone else looking out for the lot of them while Haise was still recovering.

Monday had been Amon and Taki, playfully bickering in front of the young man at lunch. They talked about Kurona and Nashiro and _just how funny and adorable_ were their interactions with Akira whole time, probably thinking it would distract Haise from his problems. Clearly unaware of the difficult emotions he was experiencing towards his filial relationship with the aforementioned woman.

Their presence had been a good opportunity for the kids to enjoy some company nonetheless, bringing laughter and fun in a home too silent for their own good. And donuts...endless boxes of donuts and dad jokes from Amon's part. Too many of them even for Haise himself.

Tuesday had appeared on their doorstep none other than Ui and his kids...two of which naughty enough to snoop around the house in search of Saiko.

And while Higemaru had been too occupied to fight with Ginshi in order to have access to the girl's room, Shao had quietly made her way toward the forbidden location thanks to her quick reflexes...before noticing Saiko had trapped her in said room from the outside. With the two suitors out of her way, the small girl had took poor Ayumu by the hand and led her to play cards at the living room table, asking Mutsuki to join them.

Ui's only reaction to the whole scene had been a good and warming laugh, more so after seeing Haise's shock towards his girl's ability to defend herself.

Wednesday Touka had called again, asking Haise to be informed about the kids wellbeing...at least until one of them (who had been eavesdropping from the beginning...probably...most definitely) insisted for her to be put on speakerphone in order to chat with all of them at once.

It had escalated into some sort of Q&A, aimed at discovering each and every one of the young woman's secrets.

A game that quickly ended (thanks to Haise's sixth sense and his ability in snatching away the phone from Saiko's hands) before Touka could respond to the question "we have a Maman...would you be out Papa?"

All in all, it had been quite the stressful week, but that last day of June would have been especially so...

...since it was the day of Urie's filing of his project for the degree board to consider.

Haise could not help himself to wonder how lonely his kid would feel, all alone in front of some rude secretary, with his research files in hand, waiting for some snobbish professor to welcome him in their office to discuss about the potential and the flaws of his draft.

Even if with a mentor such as Professor Aura, Urie was not granted to receive the access to the information he needed in order to complete his project by the end of the year. However, if he were able to convince the representative of the board of the importance of his research...Urie would have been welcome to use whatever source he deemed interesting to complete his project.

During the months leading to his own graduation, Haise didn't have the necessary backup from one of the senior professors and had to rely on one of the associates of the Academy, Miss Harima, who at the time had worked as an assistant professor for the CCGS Law School, specialized in Family Law.

Her help and guidance had been essential for the young man during those stressful months, even more so because none of the seniors deemed him good enough for the position as a candidate for the degree.

For as good as his grades were, people judged him by the way he had been permitted to attend the Academy in the first place...and this had meant for him nothing but uncertainty and tension during his years of education.

But Urie was different than him: he was smart and charismatic, determined and brilliant in every way.

However...the thought of his kid, alone, talking with some stern people completely uninterested in his work...this was hard for Haise to bear.

A couple of hours before, he had received a call from Take, Matsuri's right hand at the Attorney Department, in which he he man had assured him Urie would be fine, and that it wouldn't have been impossible for the kid to be interviewed by the dean of the Academy himself...since Fujishige Iba was rumored to have expressed his desire to assist the board in their reasoning.

Take had always been a good friend of Haise and he had often offered his help whenever he needed someone to cover for him at work in case one of the kids had been ill or in need. The same went for Harima, the sweetest woman on the planet, currently in Germany working for the European branch, always asking about the kids and her old coworkers through mails and skype.

A lot of people were worried for Urie, and even more cared for him in this coming of age phase of his life.

Haise tried with all his might to not think about it too much, knowing that Mutsuki would have probably been there for Urie, supporting him in every step of the way. He didn't know how their relationship was proceeding at the moment, but he sincerely hoped they could talk things out after Urie's draft had been filed in.

Even if Haise felt he had ruined his bond with his pupil...his beloved kid wasn't alone.

And he never would have been.

_You, on the other hand..._

«I'm not listening to you.»

_Trapped in your room...clawing at your skull..._

«You're not real...I'm not listening...»

_Pulling at your hair and laying on a bed made of lies dreaming about what you cannot have..._

«Stop it...I don't have to listen to you...»

_Laying down on the bed in the middle of the day...useless...lazy...pitiful..._

«...enough.»

_Your baby girl is gonna hear you from above...you know?_

«Please make it stop...»

_Her room is right above your own...you're gonna frighten her...like that time in the kitchen..._

«Go away go away go away...»

  
Haise was unaware of his surroundings when such terrible headaches forced him to bed, but the voice was always happy to let him know just how much unproductive of him it was hiding away from life at unexpected moments, or how uncaring for a guardian was such kind of behavior.

Hours seemed eternal and fast at the same time, so much it was difficult for him to understand if he had been able to sleep or faint at some point during those vicious attacks.

And even that evening, like any other day, the young man had spiraled into that echoey cave of his mind for so long darkness had actually fallen onto the house.

Effectively giving birth to yet another tormented night.

Haise would have smashed his head on the nearest wall if he had been able to gather the energy to do so.

Because that day the usual agony had visited him before its usual...and would now destroy him regardless of his desperate pleas for mercy.

Suddenly, but very quietly nonetheless, something was able to make its way through the barriers of his mind, forcing him to focus on something else than the voice inside his brain.

He was barely able to check the clock on his bedside table, gaping at the sight of the digital numbers it showed.

At midnight someone was playing the piano in the their living room.

And Haise knew only one of his kids capable of such a thing.

*

He left the bed with groggy movements, annoyed by how damp his clothes were because of the sweat. He got to the door and peeked through the opening, picking his head out in order to search the origin of the sound. And even if his head hurt so bad he could barely see, his ears guided him inside the living room...until he finally saw who had been playing such a beautiful piece.

Saiko was sitting on the bench in front of the piano, playing like her life depended on it.

Mutsuki and Shirazu were rushing down the stairs as well, still confused about what could have been the cause of their early awakening from bed in the middle of the night. However, as soon as they noticed who had been playing the instrument, they quit their loud wondering and listened carefully.

Moonlight was shining through the windows, illuminating the keyboard even if Saiko would have never been in need of any light to play in the first place.

For she used to play with her eyelids closed, driven by memory alone...all because of her mother, who had forced Saiko and her brother to attend conservatory in order to obtain fame and renown. But then the economic crisis had struck, forcing the woman to have her kids working in her bar, but Saiko had always been playing for the costumers during the night, consequently straining herself too much to go to school the next day.

And each and every one of the inhabitants of the Chateau knew just how much the girl hated the piano.

Haise had originally bought the old instrument from a friend who didn't know what to do with it anymore, and the young man had put it in the living room way before Saiko's arrival.

But even after she had confessed to him her hatred for the piano, the girl had insisted on keeping it against Haise insistence of the contrary...explaining that, maybe...just maybe, she would eventually become able to play it again in the future.

Well, that time did actually came.

And Haise had never seen a more crestfallen expression on his baby girl's face.

Her hand quick on the keyboard, her eyes focused. She was playing a sweet and delicate melody, but not less fierce and powerful in the way she was delivering it to their ears.

Nothing could faze her, no one could touch her anymore...her mother was gone, her brother was safe from harm.

She was finally able to enjoy music once again, after all of those yeas when she had replaced the white and black keyboard for the laptop one.

No one could dictate how she had to feel about music anymore...

...but she had chosen to play nonetheless.

When she finished, no one applauded...for it surely had been difficult for her to play for her mother in the past, only for that woman to hear an applause. But all of them regarded Saiko with the greatest respect and affection, since she had been able to do something so scary even after years of self doubt.

The girl rose from the bench, looking Haise dead in the eyes, fisting her hands to motivate herself to speak.

And she was crying, and she had never been more beautiful.

«I can hear you every night, Maman.», she said, sobbing but determined, «From my room I can hear you toss in your bed and speak to yourself...but every night you refuse to leave your room to ask for help. And when I get down in front of your door...it's always closed from the inside.»

The young man couldn't possibly imagine how difficult it had been for her enduring such a situation until that point.

And he kept quiet, because she wasn't finished with him yet.

«...you have access to a bathroom in there. And you can hurt yourself with any sharp objects. And I have nightmares of you smashing your head on the wall...and...and I wanted you to leave your room during the night. But you hear my voice all the time and you never listen to me...so I had to use a different voice to reach you.», she explained, now weeping openly and wiping away her tears.

Haise felt disgusting at the sight, sure it was all his fault...certain that if it hadn't been for him Saiko would have been.l.

«Don't you dare pull that shit right now, Maman.», she growled, approaching him with a dangerous gaze. «I can see it in your eyes, in the way you lower your head, every time you're flinching away from us...don't you dare retreat inside your head to hurt yourself even more.»

Her little hands felt like silk clutching at his arms, shaking him out of his stupor once again.

«I told you I wanted to find your voice.», she reminded him, watching him closely from under his chin, «If you need help, Maman, you need to speak up and ask for it.», she continued, looking at him dead in the eyes, «Otherwise there is very little we can do to help you, if we don't know what you're thinking.»

Then, Haise couldn't bear it any longer...and he embraced his daughter tightly in his arms.

Even if one of his hands was cold and unmoving.

Even if he was nothing but a cracked image in a mirror.

Even if he had been reduced to dust by what had happened to him...

...he could always get closer to others.

And his little Saiko had remained him of this just by existing.

But when he rose his eyes from the girl, he noticed how Tooru, Ginshi, and even Saiko were focused on something else behind him.

And when he turned he saw Urie, standing on the doorstep with his sports bag in hand...watching them like he had been exiled from home by their sole volition. The boy didn't acknowledge Haise in any way, nor did he tried to make eye contact with him. And he even barely considered his boyfriend, who stood near their mentor with his jaw tight and his hands fisted by the sides.

He was looking at Saiko, his only sister, whom he had helped recover from her past as soon as she had been assigned to the Sasaki household.

The girl was focused on him just as much, like she wanted to dare him to flee again now that she had finally overcome her last fear for Haise's sake.

But Urie showed nothing but disdain at the sight, silently leaving the hall to climb the stairs for the first floor.

Shutting himself up in his bedroom before anyone could ask him about the interview.

*

From that day on, music filled the Chateau at any given occasion.

As it turned out, Saiko had written that particular piece for Haise to enjoy, but she had to adjust it a bit because she wasn't exactly happy with how it turned out. So she wanted to improve it as much as she could, working with a pencil in her hand and a score above the keyboard.

Studying the grammar of a foreign language with such a soundtrack in the background had suddenly become a pleasure for Haise, instead of a burden. And even when the girl had to stop in the middle of the performance he couldn't be more intrigued, for those interruptions could only be a sign of how much Saiko was enjoying that activity.

No one in the Chateau asked her to play something else, knowing all too well how much Saiko had loathed being used as a jukebox during the years she had worked under her mother in the bar. If they wanted to hear something else, they were more then welcome to listen to their own music with earphones. Because Saiko was unapologetically happy to play whatever she wanted, and surely wasn't gonna perform some tracks she didn't enjoy.

Shirazu was fascinated with her ability to play, and usually seated nearby her just to study her movements and determination, not at all bothered with the repetition of the piece in itself.

Mutsuki tried to be supportive of her choices, but wasn't very keen on classical music and decided to don't intrude her little world more than once in a while. Urie, on the other hand, rarely left his room...but at some point Haise had found his music player abandoned in the kitchen.

Like the boy didn't need it any longer.

*

Saturday the 2nd, after Amon had accompanied him to Doctor Shiba for a quick check, Haise found Saiko by the piano and decided to sit next the her on the bench. She was practicing some musical scale, probably in need of some brush up on the basics.  
He quietly listened to her for several minutes, secretly watching his right hand with frustration.

Her fingers moved so quickly on the keyboard, and it was so satisfying to know her effortless confidence was the product of practice alone...

...and he wasn't even able to take notes in order to study Germany by his own means during the night.

«I don't know why you're here, Maman...but rest assured I ain't gonna ask you about it.», she joked without looking away from the score.

Haise smiled bitterly at her, nodding in agreement.

"...right, I need to ask for it."

Saiko's request to voice his problems hadn't been motivated by her unwillingness to help him in the first place...but rather by her desire to see him rely on her from his own volition. It had been out of concern that she had asked him to ask for guidance, and this also applied to his need to be reassured of something any time he deemed to ask.

«...can you...can I record you?», he spoke, looking anywhere else instead of looking at Saiko, «I would love to...to hear it even when you're not around. If that's okay for you. Not as a way to replace you, but I though that maybe...maybe I could...», he tried again, rambling out as his usual.

Then, after so many days waiting for her to even smile at him, Saiko suddenly laughed.

Openly and with no inhibitions whatsoever, making Haise feel at loss in front of her gleeful behavior.

«...maybe Shiragin still has that microphone he used for gaming. Would you like me to check?»

And so, not even waiting for him to answer, his baby girl left him on the bench and barged into Ginshi's room on the floor above, earning a loud yelp from the boy. «My my...and you're not even fapping! What in the world are you complaining about?!»

Then, the entire house was filled with yet a new and forgotten sound, coming from the living room.

A clear and sparkling laughter, coming from Haise alone.

*

Monday, July the 4th, Akira drove him to the scheduled session with the psychiatrist.

During the afternoon drive, she tried to reassure him of the fact that whoever would have examined him was nothing but amazing in his job, and that she trusted him in any way.

Unfortunately, Haise had been too sleepy and distracted by city's traffic to listen to her, not at all interested in knowing what kind of person would have rummaged through his brains only to hear him whine about life and whatnot.

He thought about the previous day instead, remembering Touka and Yomo's visit with a smile on his face. This time even Urie had tried to be a good host and stayed with them in the living room for as much as he could, but eventually he had to go, clearly disapproving their guests' interest in his personal life. They had simply been curious about him, since they hadn't got the chance to talk with Urie the first time...but the kid had probably thought otherwise.

It wasn't until he registered the change in scenery, shifting from the harsh lines of the skyscrapers to the gentle swaying of the tree branches in some kind of park, that Haise noticed how Akira had stopped talking. And she was driving silently down the dirt track skirted by whispering poplars.

Once she pulled over, in front of a modern-looking house right at the end of the road, she put her trembling hands on the steering wheel and heaved a sigh before bidding him good luck. Her eyes gloomy, her face tired, her soul troubled.

It was clear she had no idea how to deal with that situation.

And neither did Haise, of course.

*

The house in itself was one of a kind.

It was surrounded by a hedge, protecting the ground floor but not tall enough to shield the floor above. From the outside, in fact, Haise could see a bedroom beyond a balcony jutting out right over the kitchen: the façade was covered in windowpanes, very much like the Chateau, but with more skylights and less brick covered bearing walls. It was a home forged from metal and glass alone: a box made of iron and silicate, containing, compartmentalizing, forcing life into increasingly smaller boxes of cold and imposing materials. And yet, It reminded Haise of something fragile and quiet...

...a flimsy cage forgotten through the trees.

He had just buzzed the intercom, waiting for someone to open the door...when suddenly he was welcomed inside by a cheerful and familiar voice.

Hairu stood in front of him, surprised but not confused by his presence.

«Haise! It's so nice to see you, please...do come in.», she said, her expression clear of that incredulity depicted on the young man's pale one.

«...you are not my psychiatrist.», he declared in response to her welcoming behavior, making the woman giggle in front of him.

«Such a detective you are, Haise. Let's give you some slippers to make you feel comfortable, shall we?»

So he entered the lobby, his gaze gravitating upwards, toward the vertical fissure leading to the skylight. And while Hairu fetched for him a pair of soft slippers for him to wear, the young man's eyes were captured by the expanse of the open space area to his left: the kitchen he had seen from outside was separated from the lobby by a simple bookcase, but it opened directly to the dining area and the living room...which was now immersed in a greenish light coming from the glass wall fronting onto the secluded background park. In front of the entrance, to Haise's right, stood a blank white wall that led the eyes to the opposite end of the corridor, where a black sofa stood nearby a small desk...and a wooden door.

Hairu walked right in that direction, seating behind said table and telling Haise to sit down wherever he felt the most at ease.

Fearing to intrude into the living part of the house, the young man decided to follow his friend and join her by the sofa. In front of him stood another bookcase, similar to the one separating the kitchen from the hall, with the only difference that this one was meant to divide the living room from Hairu's working space. So many books inhabited the shelves in front of his blazing eyes that even a composed person such himself could hardly resist to look with longing and nostalgia.

He hold onto his phone with his left hand, suddenly nervous about what was going to happen to him inside that silent house.

A place that reminded him greatly of the Chateau, a forgotten building lost into the woods away from the depravity of the world...and filled with books upon books nonetheless. It was too good to be true. He feared to be doomed to an horrendous death, maybe chopped nice and good by his psychiatrist before being cooked in the oven like some kid in a fairy tale.

He tried to chat with Hairu to remind himself that he wasn't alone...that no one was planning to murder him where he couldn't be heard.

«So...why are you here?», he asked, wanting nothing but listen to Saiko's track in order to calm himself before the session.

The woman didn't acknowledged him with eye contact, too preoccupied with some sort of file she clearly had to figure out by her own, «Ah, actually now I'm working here part time...waiting for a suitable position at the headquarters as a licensed sexologist. And...you know, paperwork always appear to take a while to be signed up...or even to be simply read, at best.»

He didn't know she wanted to be a sexologist.

Actually, he new very little of her...a part from the fact that she had an unnamed twin brother and that she worshipped her likewise unnamed boss.

Haise thought about those informations for a while before trying to respond to her in some way...but he was promptly interrupted by the woman, who had risen her head to speak with him in earnest, smiling reassuringly.

«You don't need to talk with me if you don't want to.», she said, apparently capable of reading minds, given what Haise had been thinking in that very moment. «You can leaf through some books or listen to music. Anything that would relax you enough to prepare for the session.»

The young man lowered his gaze on his earphones, neatly wrapped up around his phone.

«...take your time, Haise. You came in quite early after all...no one is rushing you to do anything. Here you don't need to be polite, believe me.», she reassured him still, probably sensing his discomfort.

She retired her paperwork with every intention of not disturbing his quiet alone time.  
And so...he tried to calm down, listening to Saiko's music for as much as he needed to, letting himself being overwhelmed by the notes like they could heal all of his wounds and aching parts. The soft colors of the interior were able to soothe his emotions, leaving him quietly floating into warm and fuzzy sensations while he was lulled into sleep by the track on repeat. His heartbeat soft in his own ears, the pulsing sound of the piano whispering sweet nothings to his tired soul. And he really felt like drowning away into oblivion...

...at least until he saw Hairu putting on her jacket and fishing her metro card from one of the pockets.

«...where are you going?», he panicky asked, nearly sprinting from his seat, shutting down his phone and putting it in his satchel.

Afraid she would leave him alone in such a disquietingly welcoming place.

Hairu seemed taken aback by his question, but was immediately reminded by her lack of explanation for her behavior just by looking at his confused face.

«Sorry...I forgot. I'm heading back home now. I never work here after five o'clock...but I can stay if you need me to.»

The young man shook his head in denial, because he couldn't possibly ask her to stay by his side only to soothe his nerves...

...but she slowly seated next to him on the sofa, careful not to invade his personal space, smiling encouragingly at him.

«Let's wait together until my boss come out looking for you.», she prompted, not displeased in the slightest by the sudden change of plans, «My job is to take the phone calls, since he cannot possibly answer to those while he's working. And sometimes patients are a bit annoyed by the ring, so I usually get the calls as quickly as I can...but when I'm not here the calls are redirected to a personal voicemail to be listened to afterwards.»

Haise knew what the woman was trying to do by chatting so calmly with him. But he refused to acknowledge it in the beginning, feeling like he was being treated like a small kid, unable to get himself under control if not by being distracted from thinking too much.

And...it actually worked.

She kept her promise and waited with him for the whole time, chatting about her brother and how she wanted him to finally settle down before they hit his thirties. Hairu even joked about her own situation, confident she would be single for a very long time now that she had her future planned out in regards of her working position. Haise listened quietly to her ramblings, sitting tensely on the sofa nearby the door of the Doctor's studio.

Suddenly, said door opened, and Ayumu Hogi stepped out of the room, noticing them right afterwards.

She greeted Haise with a wide but tired smile on her face, clearly surprised by his presence there.

And the young man was confused to see her too, before being reminded of what Ui had said about working for his pupils' psychiatrist.

«Hairu, are you still there?», called a...particular voice from within the room.

A deep, quiet voice that the young man could have sworn to have heard somewhere else.  
But he had no time to remember whom it could have belonged to, that Hairu sprung on her feet, having been called and everything. She left him with Ayumu with an apologetic smile on her face, rising a index finger to signal her intention to come back as soon as she could.

Ayumu fidgeted a bit nearby, probably wanting to say something to Haise, however incapable she felt in voicing it.

«...the Doctor is very understanding, Mr Sasaki.», she eventually said, in her tiny but determined voice, «You have nothing to fear.»

The girl smiled at him right a couple of seconds before Hairu came back to them, silently asking Haise to the enter the room.

Both of them waited for him to walk down the hall before turning toward the entrance of the house, but they stood where he had left them right until the very last moment. Probably in fear he would feel at loss, if they were to leave before seeing him stepping inside the Doctor's office.

Once the young man shut the door behind him, however, he felt alone and miserable.

So much it was difficult for him to breathe.

«Welcome, Mr Sasaki.», spoke the man in front of him, whose Haise could only see the shoes...since he was looking at the ground still.

He bowed stiffly, rising slowly his head until his eyes could focus on the Doctor himself.

And, to his horror, he recognized him immediately.

It was him.

The stranger he had met in the bookstore back in April.

His hair white, reaching just below the ears. His glasses new and less squared than the previous pair. His expression stern and emptied of any emotion.

The man welcomed him with a simple nod of his head, asking Haise to sit on the armchair in front of him with a simple gesture of his hand.

He didn't speak until the young man had been seated properly, nor he bowed as expected in such circumstances.

«I am Dr Arima Kishou, Mr Sasaki...and I will be your psychiatrist for the upcoming months.», he declared, sitting down slowly in front of Haise, like he feared for him to flee at any moment, «If you'll allow me...that is.», he concluded, considering his patient with a blank and cautious gaze, before overlapping his legs and leaning his shoulders on the backseat.

Haise was too shocked to process what the man had just said to him, unable to determine whether he had recognized him or not.

Judging by his lack of understanding or even acknowledgment of the coincidental situation they had found themselves in, it seemed that, no...this person didn't recognize Haise at all.

Like they were strangers...

...and nothing more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...please, don't go away.  
>  I promise I will depict Haise's interactions with Arima in the most respectful way possible. I needed a way to represent their relationship in canon with some sort of equivalent for their mentor-protégé dynamics, and I thought to give them a chance to work on...healing each other wounds, maybe? Or maybe they're gonna destroy each other. Or maybe they're gonna part ways. Or maybe they're gonna open a flower shop together and live happily ever after.  
> ...damn.  
> I should have written that last AU instead.  
> Please don't leave me because I didn't write a florist!AU.
> 
> The part where I described Haise's breakdown in the hospital room I wanted to write it in some sort of glitch format...but I wasn't able to. Really, when something like that happens to me it really feels like some sort of virus had hacked its way into my brain...but I don't know if I was able to depict it that way. Sorry.  
> (Edit: actually, I kind of did...? #nikinails, but I put the "translation" of the glitch nonetheless...if anyone has problems reading the glitch, like me)
> 
> As always...really, I am a kind person even if I write like this. I'm not going to bite any of you (even if we're in the Tokyo Ghoul fandom eh eh), so like...I'm not immune to positive feedback. I like it, it helps with my self esteem. And I'm open to constructive criticism as well.  
> Saiko's piece at the piano is, obviously, White Silence. 
> 
> *crawl back under a rock, anxiously waiting for your reaction, fearing for my own life*
> 
> Have a nice day :)
> 
>  
> 
> [my blog](http://you-are-not-a-drone.tumblr.com)


	5. And you took and you took and you took...until you got bored of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WORK IN PROGRESS ON THE SPACE BETWEEN LINES. RETURN LATER PLEASE. THANK YOU.  
> Edit: I finally did it! Ao3 crashed on me while I was at it...so I had to begin all over again. But here we are!  
> Edit n.2: hold the fuck on...what is wrong with the italics?!  
> Edit n.3: sorry for not noticing that Ao3 had actually failed me, italics are perfectly fine right now. Sorry again...
> 
> Okay...here we are.  
> This chapter was difficult to write for me since, well...I began therapy myself, just like Haise in this chapter. Ahah the irony. It's not a psychiatric one though, so it's not actually that unsettling as it might seem. Although, writing this one had been pretty stressing indeed, and I wanted it too be different than what I am going through right now: both for plot reasons and more practical ones.
> 
> I have tried to experiment with the style a little bit, and you might notice that some parts appear a bit rushed. Originally this chapter was supposed to be much longer, but I decided to try something new in regards of the stream-of-consciousness-bits by cutting down the introspective thought process of Haise at the end of the chapter. Yet again, he's not a reliable narrator.
> 
> Rich text is bitchy beyond imagination, but I will distance sentences and periods as soon as possible for your reading enjoyment, don't worry!
> 
> I'm sorry for the long delay, I will be slower from now on.  
> So sorry about that. But I will do my best, don't worry.
> 
> Warnings!  
> Mentions of body dysphoria, past (sexual) abuse.  
> Mentions of self-harming tendencies, eating disorders.  
> Mentions of internalized homophobia and transphobia.  
> Mentions of psychological manipulation.
> 
> Other warnings!  
> Non-that-realistic-doctor-patient-relationship.  
> The-writer-self-indulged-pretty-badly-with-this-one.  
> The-writer's-self-esteem-is-open-to-positive-feedback.
> 
> Please be nice, don't eat me alive. ._.

_It well may be that in a difficult hour,_  
_Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,_

 

«Why haven't you told me it was your birthday last week?»

«I didn't want to mess with you only three days before your first session. How was I supposed to to tell you something like that?»

«Celebrating the recurrence of your birth is certainly more important that stressing over some psychiatrist, I can assure you.»

«Why are you so bitter over that? Every time I ask you about it, you keep changing subject like I'm pissing you off.»

«I'm not bitter.», he tried with no real heat, shrugging off Touka's insinuations by faking disinterest.

«Oh yes, you are.», she easily retorted, pointing an accusing finger to his face until he couldn't take it anymore.

They both chuckled it off, walking leisurely in the grocery store while searching for plastic cups and colorful paper. Saiko and Mutsuki were only a couple of isles ahead, discussing over the possibility to add some more sweets and chips to their list, marveling at the vast selection of each kind of goods that had been arranged on the shelves.

The kids had successfully dragged Haise out of the Chateau only because Touka had joined them in their mastermind plan to get him away from his books. And all of them were now currently proceeding in their quest for origami papers, room decorations, and whatnot for Saiko's Tanabata party. Even if the store was fully packed with people looking for last-minute deals before they had to get back home and prepare for the festival as well.

Too many people gathered around them, too many costumers debating whether buy this or that, too many housewives and kids walking back and forth...

Too much of everything, really.

Haise had to reconsider Saiko's ability to plan an expedition to the mall more than he liked to admit. How was he supposed to feel safe and at ease once out of his room...with so many people in sight? Brushing against him, reeking of body odor, pushing for snatching away items nearby him...how had his baby girl even though this would ever be a good idea to begin with?!

But since Touka had asked her uncle to leave her free of duties that morning...Haise would have happily complied anything he was required to do.

...within limits, of course.

«For real, though...why are you being so secretive about your first session?», she mindlessly asked while confronting the price of two different stacks of plastic cups in front of them, «You know that all of that...doctor-patient confidentiality shit is pure fiction, right?»

«HR would beg to differ. You don't know how many cases we couldn't get to use in court because of confidentiality agreements.»

«Don't you pull that shit with me, I'm not a lawyer, nor one of your supervisors' clients...so no, I don't care about that at all.», she said without even looking at him, finally agreeing to buy the cheapest (but uglier) set of cups, putting them in the basket with a snarling expression.

Touka's shopping behavior, Haise had noticed, was more on the...angry-shoving scoffing-at-the-prices kind of way: so much that the young man feared her to actually crack open some packages in order to get a discount out of them. She kind of did at some point...before Mutsuki had been able to pry a box of cereal away from her clutches.

«Well, if don't want to talk to me about that...», she hinted at, swinging the basket in her hands like some sort of hammer throwing activity, «...then I will not give you permission to buy me anything for my delayed birthday.»

Haise stopped in his tracks, looking at her with a betrayed expression on his face.

«You wouldn't dare.»

«...how mistaken can you be?»

«You know I like to make presents...you cannot actually forbid me to get you some one.»

«Oh my, I think I just did.», she threw back, laughing so brightly and mischievously at the same time it made Haise forget about his surroundings.

And it escalated in one hell of a chase all around the isles, with costumers looking incredulously at them for their immature behavior.

When Haise was finally able to catch Touka by the waist, they had ended up in front of a blushing Mucchan and a pissed Saiko...the latter looking dangerously near to explode after having been put in the center of attention thanks to their shenanigans.

«Maman, please refrain from flirting so openly during our expedition...we're late for the next deal.»

Touka's laugh echoed in the store at that, while Haise felt embarrassed for being scolded so hardly by his own baby girl.

*

Even if he had been dragged out of his house, Haise wasn't exactly at that point where he could enjoy the outdoors as he used to do.

And Saiko, being well aware of this, after the humiliating show her own guardian had put on in front of everyone, had decided to give the two adults a break and go back to her shopping with Mucchan instead.

So they had been abandoned in a book shop nearby, roaming freely from shelf to shelf in search o nothing in particular.

«...your Saiko had left us here like children in a toy store.»

«It's your fault for making me chase after you.»

She snorted, looking through the pages of a biology textbook, «...and then what? Should I feed you with a spoon and clean your snotty nose?»

«Well, I didn't know you had such strange kinks, Touka.», he retorted, earning a disbelieving expression from the young woman.

«...and you were the one who told me to never attempt sex talk with you.», she said with an incredulous tone, burying her face in the pages of the book she was holding, looking around to see if anyone was listening to their conversation.

«That's beyond the point.», he joked, rising on his tiptoes in order to check one shell above his reach, «...it's not like I said we should never talk about this kind of things.», he considered, searching for some other way to approach the subject he was trying to come across.

«Oh, so you plan on kink-shaming me in the future.», she shockingly accused him, keeping her voice low but piercing nonetheless.

«...no, I mean...», he got back his feet on the ground, looking dejected and nervous for what he had in mind. «I...I don't know if I will be able to...you know...so soon...», he fidgeted, lowering his head in defeat.

Unable to see her reaction, but painfully aware of her eyes on him.

However, contrary to Haise's expectations, but exceedingly better than the most foolish of his hopes, Touka kissed his cheek.

So quickly and effectively, the young man wasn't even sure it had happened in the first place.

He touched his left cheek, looking at her tender smile with a dumbfounded gaze.

«Don't be silly, Haise. You know I will care for you no matter what.», she reassured him, taking him by his right hand, stroking it in between her own. «You took great care of me when I needed some encouragement before my weekend shifts...so now is my turn to make you feel safe.»

She knew he couldn't feel a single thing from that very hand she was holding.

And her kiss had been faster and lighter than a butterfly's touch.

Touka was making it easier for him by giving him the comfort he needed...with the least amount of physical contact possible.

She had sensed the change of his mood...and had anticipated his needs before he could be aware of them.

Haise had never met someone more considerate than her.

And this, strangely enough, unsettled him.

Because he felt selfish in comparison with her.

So much it sickened him.

«...so, my dear Haise, I don't want you to stress over something stupid like sex.», she amiably joked, intertwining her pinkie with Haise's right one, gently dragging him forward nearby the shelf...simply by clutching at that numb and tiny finger. «After what had happened to you...it's not like you should be thinking about those kind of things so soon. It's okay.»

Haise kept following her with a frown on his face, carefully listening to her words while she guided him to the fiction section of the store.

She wasn't looking at him, speaking with a cheerful tone that sounded effortlessly fake and forced to the young man's ears.

«Even if I'm only a dancer, after those aggressions I was afraid to perform...but my boss assured me to keep an eye on strange costumers and since then things had been better. Not that the idea of entertaining patrons in the VIP rooms all by my self would have been any more desirable...but at least I can always call for help, if some weirdo tries to undress me without permission. Then usually one of my boss's underlings come and beat the shit out of them...»

«How can you do it, still...after you've been through all of that?»

He had spat out those words like quiet curses...made of acid and smoke.

The sudden question made Touka stop in her tracks, but she didn't turn yet to face him.

«...you never told me why you're keeping the job in the underground.»

His voice crisp, piercing in its incredulity and accusing tone.

She lowered her head, revealing her nape when her hair parted in the middle of her bob cut.

«You never even told me why you have a scar on your left shoulder blade.»

Haise couldn't have been more nervous in that moment, now that he had finally got the courage to ask her about that.

When he had worn Yami's personality he had been stupid enough to fake ignorance about the small patch of discoloration that painted her skin white. Not bigger than a palm, it spread all across her shoulder...and Touka had showed discomfort at the idea of showing it to him more clearly. She even had never given him permission to change position during their encounters for him to look at her back.

But that wasn't the only thing.

She liked working at the café, in the afternoons with her uncle, but was proud nonetheless of the position she had obtained at her second job.

Haise didn't know how she was able to manage it, but surely she had to exercise in order to perform...all in between studying, working, and perhaps sleeping.

Touka mentioned her sister in a couple of occasions...but never approached the subject by her own volition, like she feared something from him.

He had missed so many things of her...so much he wasn't even sure she wanted him to discover them at all.

The scar wasn't even that important, to say the truth, but it had made Haise thinking about the possibility that some of her previous aggressors had been the culprit of such a violent act towards her. And then, maybe...maybe she needed to talk more about those things...even if...even...even if he felt sick just by thinking about them...even if he couldn't bare to feel so distant from her.

Left in her mercy, oblivious to everything that was happening to her.

Detached from her reality...unworthy of her love.

Haise's dangerous chain of thoughts war abruptly stopped by a sudden movement underneath his nose. The young man hadn't even noticed the way he he just dissociated in front of his friend, but apparently Touka had been quick enough to make him snap out of that catatonic state...just by appearing under his eyes in a wind of motion.

She was staring at him with her beautiful gray eyes, gazing curiously into the depths of Haise's ones.

«I dance for slimy costumers because I want to obtain a degree, and that ain't cheap...you know it well.», she earnestly said, close enough for Haise to count her lashes one by one, «...aaand I want my sister to attend university too. And then...there are...other reasons as well...», she continued, seemingly forcing her friend to relax under her gaze...instead of reacting nervously as his usual when faced with unavoidable eye contact.

That must have been the work of some spell, for sure.

But it...kind of worked. Barely. But it did.

Happy with the outcome of her (criminal) act of mental manipulation, the young woman stepped back by a couple of inches from him, smiling mischievously at his confused expression while retrieving her previous attempt to drag him around the shop by the right pinkie.

«...you know I was kidding before, right?», she asked, walking around a corner to inspect another shelf, talking like it wasn't that big of a deal to begin with, «If you don't want to tell me about your sessions it's okay...I just thought you had been strangely preoccupied recently. And maybe that is because you are anxious about the idea of therapy in itself.», she concluded, inspecting a cover exposed in front of her.

Haise stepped closer to her, unable to express how sorry he was for his sudden change of mood.

He lowered his forehead on her right shoulder, rubbing his frown on her baggy t-shirt like a frustrated puppy.

She simply chuckled and leaned with a cheek on his head, humming appreciatively while swaying slowly to the rhythm of the music blasted in the background from the store radio.

At some point she had begun stroking his hair with her right hand, without losing hold of Haise's pinkie for the whole time.

They stayed like that for a while, breathing and making peace by closeness alone.

God, he loved her...

...even if he didn't know exactly in what way.

«How is it that you know so much about everything?», he asked her in a whisper, pecking once at her neck before stepping away from her personal space.

She understood the cue immediately, smiling broadly now that their little misunderstanding had been settled, «Mental illness runs in the family since the beginning of time...or so my uncle tells me. My mother used to go to therapy too...so I grew up listening to those kind of stories.»

Surprised by hearing her mention one of her parents, Haise perked up at that change of pace in their conversation, «And now she's not going to therapy any longer?», he asked, letting her manhandle him out of the bookstore in search of the kids.

«No.», she said with an unreadable expression on her face. «...she's not going anymore.»

And Haise had no way to further question her about her family, that Touka spoke again.

Showing him a smile dripping with sarcasm and evil intentions.

«I tell you what. If you really want to celebrate my birthday...you can be indebted to me until I decide what you should give me, okay?»

This shocked the young man to no end, making him forget about his doubts for a moment.

«...this is blackmail, Touka.»

«How is that even blackmail?»

«How is it not?»

Bitching and bickering to no end on their way towards Saiko and Mutsuki, the two of them attracted quite the attention from innocent bystanders, who had been minding their shopping until their loud appearance had interrupted them.

But Haise couldn't feel their staring and judging, nor was he able to get nervous under their gaze, do he was too engrossed in his conversation with Touka to care about such things.

However, once they finally found Saiko and Mutsuki, a sudden though struck him in his tracks. While looking at Tooru and Touka speaking quietly before Saiko and him, Haise couldn't believe to have been tricked by Touka so smoothly.

Remembering only then how she had avoided talking about the scar...simply by diverting his attention.

Simply by bringing him back to reality, while never addressing the past in the process.

An act of witchcraft, indeed.

*

Their household had never been a particular traditional one...for many reasons.

Some of which included food-worshipping, queer tendencies, and even the occasional interest in typical western activities such as whining, stuffing their mouth with junk food, and compulsively questioning the government politics more than every once in a while.

But if it was for the festivities, well...that would be another story entirely.

After their return home, even if Haise had had enough of forced social activities for the day, the lot of them had begun preparing the living room for the evening. Given that the young man had promised Saiko a party...and he couldn't possibly chicken out at that point.

However, his baby girl had been thoughtful in planning the evening, sparing Haise from that torture that would have been visiting the nearest shrine in his condition. Their Tanabata would have been quiet, indoors...and heavily sugar based, judging by Shirazu's bustling about with the whisk and icing cream.

The boy was ferociously beating up some chocolate mix in a bowl, reassuring his guardian that a major case of carpal tunnel syndrome would have been worth the effort. Haise simply rose an eyebrow and shook his head, vaguely admired by Ginshi's ability to work so hard for others.

They talked about the boy's intention of visiting his sister in the evening, but any of Haise's concerns had been deflected by Ginshi's enthusiasm in telling his mentor everything was fine. He was apparently happy to be of use for them, even if he would have not been able to participate in Saiko's party. What bothered him the most, however, seemed to be the idea of Mutsuki and Urie being away from the house too...since Haise would have been left to fend for himself, in case Saiko were to experience some sugar high aftermath.

The young man reminded the kid that Touka and Yomo would be attending the party too, and that he had nothing to preoccupy himself with a part from enjoying his sister's company. Shirazu responded with a warm smile, wondering out loud when Touka and her uncle would have been able to arrive after their afternoon shift at the caffè.

He was probably planning on asking them where exactly was their shop located, perhaps as a way to force Haise to leave the Chateau in order to visit them one of those days...but his guardian wasn't too keen about the idea of asking them such a thing...

...after all, he wasn't even sure Touka would have liked him to stop by during her shift.

Fortunately, Haise was able to deflect Ginshi's curiosity by pointing out to him how something was clearly burning in the oven.

After that, the kid had been effectively stopped in his malicious intent to mess with his mentor's private life.

And while Ginshi had to figure out what exactly had happened in the oven, Haise took a moment for himself in order to observe his surroundings, sitting on the counter like a child waiting before daring to step into the adults' world.

Saiko had convinced Ayumu to join them, and the two girls were now currently preparing the paper for the tanzakus, pinching the slim colorful cards on the top with a puncher before carefully choosing a string to make it pass through the small hole. Even if they hadn't found the traditional paper for their crafting activities, no one would even notice the difference thanks to their artistic abilities.

Mucchan was talking on the phone by the coffee table in the living room, folding paper cranes at the speed of light while chatting with one of his friends from track-and-field. He had planned to drag his boyfriend away from the ruckus...but was going to force him to meet with other people at the shrine as a punishment for his uncaring attitude towards the preparations.

Urie was nowhere in sight, but Haise was pretty sure the boy didn't want anyone to see him taking the bamboo tree outside...since he had made it clear to everyone (with his silence, at least) that he didn't want to participate, and that he sure wasn't interested in their little party.

But, for as much as he hated Haise still, Urie wasn't actually that angry to ignore Saiko's wishes, so he had to help in one way or another. Otherwise, he would have been doomed to face quite the silent treatment by his little (but very determined) sister.

All in all, the scene that laid before his eyes was peaceful enough for him to enjoying.

Touka and Yomo were bound to arrive in a couple of hours, and their presence would have filled the void caused by Tooru and Urie's absence, while Ui and his other two kids would have joined Ayumu soon enough for her to feel at home.

Hairu and Take too had accepted to come, and it has been ages since any of them in the Sasaki household had seen Kuramoto and Naoto...so the night in itself was bound to be festive and joyful for sure.

...but something was off.

Very much so.

 

[ _«Is everything alright, Mr Sasaki?», the man suddenly asked, watching closely at the younger's reactions while folding his hands on his lap._

_Haise had to shook himself from the stupor he had lost himself in, trying hard to remember what he was supposed to say._

_However, for as much as he struggled in finding the words to voice his thoughts, the young man discovered to have none to express...and he felt powerless in front of the psychiatrist, fidgeting on his seat and lowering his eyes to the ground._

_«It's quite normal in the beginning to feel at loss, please don't fret it.», his psychiatrist said, looking at him like he wanted to disclose any of his secrets in order to lay them neatly in front of his patient. In order to force Haise to look at them..._

_...daring him to deny their very existence._ ]

 

The young man shook his head, suddenly concerned about where his mind had been leading him for the most part of the afternoon.

Jumping down from the counter, he slowly walked toward his room, trying to focus on the matter at hand...that is to say he still had to choose what to wear for the evening. He closed the door behind himself, leaning on the door frame for a bit before deciding to turn the key in order to have some privacy.

He looked at his bare feet for a couple of seconds before taking his phone and turn up the volume after selecting Saiko's piece on repeat. Dropping the phone on his bed, the young man approached the closest while relaxing to the soft tune of the piano, welcoming the notes while stretching his stiff shoulders and neck.

Breathing in slowly, Haise widened those gray eyes and made one of the wardrobe doors slide to reveal all of the dresses and shirts that hid behind it.

Most of the old and familiar feminine clothes were silently hanging from their racks: their texture soft under the trembling left palm and fingers, their smell overwhelmingly nostalgic and dear to Haise's heart.

Out of sadness, those gray eyes didn't even glance at the wigs, resting in a corner of one of the top shelves, even if they had been perfectly taken care of by the expert hands of some fancy hairdressers in downtown.

That day...Haise would have loved to dress like her body desired.

But just by looking at the colorful dresses and baggy shirts, something akin to sorrow rose from the depths of her mind.

And the realization of such mourning was enough to suffocate in Haise any desire to wear those garments...

...forcing him to keep any femininity under control in order to let others enjoy the party in peace. So that they didn't have to feel uncomfortable around a woman who was supposed to be a man all the time. Even when she was by her own and had to be presentable in front of family and friends.

Haise bit more and more into the quivering lower lip, forcing that restless mind to behave...to stop desiring what it couldn't have.

No aid would ever come from attempting to impersonate someone else.

No mask would even come in handy in that case.

Haise had to be...what others wanted <em>him</em> to be.

And so...and so he...he reluctantly breathed in and out, in and out. Thinking about the last time someone had soothed <em>him</em> with their voice.

Trying to remember how it felt to be completely at ease with <em>his</em> body.

Forcing <em>himself</em> to experience once again how wonderful it had been to feel ablaze and tingling all over.

Determined to get back to that time when <em>he</em> felt alive and serene...after weeks of self loathing following the aggression.

 

[ _Haise had no idea what was happening to him._

_He couldn't bear to look into those cold eyes...and yet again he was mesmerized by their intensity._

_A lightning bolt had struck him the moment he had met those irises, setting fire to his veins and lungs, lighting up every single ramification of his nervous system. Somewhat he felt petrified and scared in front of that scrutinizing gaze...his mouth dry, his heartbeat hollow in his own ears._

_The man sitting ahead of him tilted his head, leaning his palms on the chair armrests, catching his patient's attention...who couldn't stop looking at those hands, mindlessly clutching at the edges of the armchair._

_«If you'll allow me, I will proceed by telling you how I usually work and what I will expect from this interaction between the two of us.», he said, talking quietly but firmly, like he wanted to engrave every word into Haise's brain, «And then it's going to be your turn in discussing the terms of our interaction.»_

_«My turn?», the young man confusedly asked, diverting his gaze from the man by looking at his surroundings instead._

_From his left he could see the end of the office, a room big enough to compete with the huge open space he had previously seen after Hairu had welcomed him inside the house._

_But what laid before him was way more satisfying to look at._

_A two store library, with floor-to-ceiling shelves running all around the office save for the area where they were currently speaking._

_«If I am not mistaken, Mr Sasaki, you are a lawyer. Am I right?», he asked, catching Haise's attention before he could lose himself in the sight of such a well furnished collection of books._

_The young man tuned to him and vaguely nodded in response to his question._

_But the moment he had diverted his eyes from the shelves, something more mesmerizing had shown itself to him._

_A small, condescending smile had made his was on Doctor Arima's thin lips._

_And Haise was lost for good._

_«Then it will be easier for you to think about what we're going to discuss here as a mere contract between two parties.», his psychiatrist explained, not with a patronizing tone, but with care and thoughtfulness instead._

_Like a teacher quietly eager to find the right example for their student to grasp._

_«And, as a lawyer, your interest in finding loopholes, scams, and deceptions should be the priority. I hope this can be enough to satisfy your needs, for now at least.», he concluded, unaware of how much of an euphemism his last sentence had sounded to the young man's ears._ ]

 

With a clearer mind and a warmer heart, Haise opened his eyes on reality, sliding the door the other way around in order to choose from his more typically masculine clothes. He confidently grabbed a short sleeved white shirt and gray pants, humming to the sound of

Saiko's piece while swaying his way to the bathroom nearby.

His body hygiene had took a while to get back on track with his usual meticulousness and care, especially after giving up on so many things after the aggression. However, Haise was confident he would be able to overcome that phase simply by keeping an eye to his daily routine, washing himself regularly and planning an eventual shower in the middle of the night in case he had felt too tired to take one during the day.

After all, he felt the most energetic before dawn, and most of the kids had assured him he was not to blame in case he were to shower during the night.

Water fell on him, drops washing away the tension in his shoulders and back, making sweat and the stiffness of the day coiling at his feet and down the drain. He quickly took care of his hair and body, in order to dwell a little more in the peaceful and quiet sensation of that warm and lavish embrace.

Hot, steady, and reverberating through his bones like Arima's voice had been only three days before.

 

[ _«The only thing we are going to discuss today, indeed, are the circumstances in which our interactions will take place.», the older man said, briefly gesturing with his left hand before lowering it back on the armrest, incidentally drawing once again Haise's attention on his long, lean fingers..._

_...making the young man swallow way to hard for his own good._

_«I will lay down the main characteristics and mechanisms of my method of work.», Arima continued, mindlessly adjusting the cuff links on his left wrist, inadvertently guiding Haise's lingering gaze up...up...until gray eyes met with dark ones._

_And everything reduced to that single moment._

_To that mere instant._

_«I will entrust you with some small tasks in case you were to let me proceed in that sense.», his voice so deep and uninterested, echoing inside Haise's chest like a thunder shaking through soft meat, cracking ribs, and vertebrae snapped out of their sockets._

_Leaving the poor boy utterly crushed and pulverized._

_Breathless at death's mercy._

_«And, finally, I will answer whatever question you might have at the end of our session. Is this okay for you?»_

_Haise nodded, barely responsive in front of the man._ ]

 

After drying himself up, he changed quickly, planning in his head the next occasion to put on one of his dresses as a way to distract himself.

While buttoning up his shirt, the sight of the closet caught once again his attention, but this time he was finally able to look at the colorful clothes peeking through the opening with a smile on his face.

Being afraid of going out as a woman was probably normal, considering what had happened to him, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy being able to experience gender expression in the tranquility of his room...even if only during long and silent nights.

However, embracing those little times with his favorite habits could be a way to take his life back in new and empowering ways.

He just had to...convince himself of this.

"Everything's going to be okay...eventually."

It was only the beginning, after all...

 

[ _«Let's begin then.», Arima prompted, rising from his chair to retrieve something from his desk, to the left of the armchair._

_He took a notebook with a plain black cover, seemingly old at a first glance._

_Walking toward him, he then put the notebook on the small coffee table nearby his patient's armchair, along with a pencil._

_Taking both items in his left hand, the young man inspected carefully the first, opening to the very first page, from right to left..._

_...where he found the kanjis of his own name written in the middle in shaking and uncertain handwriting._

_He didn't rose his questioning eyes to ask Arima what he had meant by writing his name on the first page._

_Haise knew._

_"This is mine...he will probably make me use it during our sessions."_

_A task he had been entrusted with, was it?_

_«First of all, I don't particularly care for honorifics during my patients' sessions.», the older man suddenly said, quite emphatically, but not at the point of showing it clearly through a heated tone, silently urging Haise to take notes at his own pace._

_The young man quietly took the pencil in his left hand, carefully maneuvering it while writing._

_Arima's shadow didn't reach the yellowish pages, but with the corner of his eyes Haise was able to notice how the psychiatrist had considerably relaxed to his right. Like he had feared something to happen out of the blue._

_«I will obviously understand, if you'll ever insist in using them and I will not address the matter a second time, in case you don't feel comfortable with such proposition of mine.», he didn't speak anywhere near slowly as Haise would have wished, but the older man seemed to make an actual effort to pause every once in a while, giving him the time to focus on taking his bulleted list._

_«However, it's my opinion that these kind of barriers could keep my patients from recovery, as long as they keep seeing me as someone that has to be constantly reassured of his role of superiority towards them. And, although polite and considerate in regards of my authority, my patients' priority should be their own recovery...not to invest their time in addressing my degrees and expertise.», he concluded with a self-deprecating tone._

_Waiting for Haise to record what he deemed important enough to write down._

_Making him self-conscious about the short, minuscule distance that separated them._

_Way too aware, as a matter of fact._ ]

 

Unplug the earphones, shut the music, silence that stupid heart.

Out of the room, out of the door, out of habit begin to walk.

Back into reality, back into his life, back into normality.

Instructions for a seemingly happy day.

Saiko came in a rush, her favorite dress on, high ponytail bouncing with each step. Radiantly joyful in her delight, flower crown on, perfume in the air.  
Haise couldn't help himself, hugging her tightly even if for a brief moment, earning a baffled but widening smile from his daughter. And he wondered how was it possible to feel such a violent form of parental love at twenty-six years old for a girl seven years his junior.  
But here he was...willing to do anything for her.

She led him to the main hall, pushing him from behind with both hands when someone rang the doorbell.

Ginshi came too, assuring his mentor nothing had exploded in the oven...adding that something went wrong with the soufflé but that it was certainly edible.

The young man hooked a elbow around the kid's neck to drag him down, and finally kiss the top of his shaved head, forcing him to greet the first guest with him. Both Haise and Saiko glanced back at Tooru, but he excused himself rising a index finger while still talking to the phone. Urie was still in the back garden, preparing the table outside, looking suspiciously at the colored plastic cups Touka had bought that morning.

With a condescending smile, Haise opened the door...only to meet with a bickering couple.

Ui and Hairu must have met in front of the Chateau, and from their conversation the lot of them could gather that they actually knew each other.

Once the two guests noticed their hosts looking confusedly at them, Hairu began talking at the speed of light while Ui rummaged through his jeans pockets until he found some gums to chew, probably Bupropion-based since he didn't seem to have his cigarettes with him.

«Haise, you should have told me you knew my brother!», Hairu amusedly prompted, making her way into the house with a mischievous smile on her face, «I would have brought with me all of his most embarrassing photos of his teenage years!», she concluded, before greeting Saiko and Ginshi and asking them to lead the way.

Ui, on the other hand, remained on the doorstep, looking flustered and quite angry, pointing at the front garden with his thumb, munching his feelings away.

«We've met Hirako a couple of blocks ahead...his dog needed to take a dump, and he was fussing with the plastic bags.», he declared as an explanation for his waiting outside.

Haise rose an eyebrow and crossed his arms at the best of his ability, leaning on the doorframe right in front of Ui, who stepped back from him adverting his eyes. He had secured his hair in a low ponytail at his nape, but some strands of the bangs were covering his face.

«Give me a break, Sasaki.», the man suddenly pleaded, not at all comfortable with his sister telling everyone in the living room about him and their fortuitous encounter in front of Haise's house.

He cringed at the sound of her laugh, coming from the inside, «She kept our father's last name when our parents divorced, and I choose to take our mother's maiden name when I was forced to come back here years ago. My sister joined me soon after but she graduated from the Academy before me by a couple of years. I was just shocked to see her here, that's all!»

Haise knew his friend was well aware of the fact that his host hadn't asked a single thing on the matter, but he was grateful for the attempt nonetheless.

«...Ayumu is probably in the back garden.», the young man said, tilting his head in the direction of the living room, «Go there and enjoy your evening with your kid...at least until those two of your other children come rushing inside, giving you a major headache.»

Ui look d at him for a long time before speaking, his dark eyes too smart to miss what was in front of them.

«...you _look_ fine.», he finally said, with a lingering gaze on his bony legs.

«You too. I don't think I ever saw you in casual clothes, tho...»

«Don't you dare brushing off my concern, Sasaki. You know what I'm saying.»

«Aww...you are concerned about me...», Haise cooed, ashamed of how silly of him that was.

«Don't try me, Haise.», he threatened, looking at him dead in the eyes.

An irresistible urge to flirt spread through Haise's lungs and loins, and he felt his body warm up to the feeling of being watched by such a determined gaze. But he refused to give in to that need, and he consequently became quieter and rigid, instead of soft and bolder.

He sure loved being seized up like that, but not then nor there. And certainly not by his friend.

«I'm sorry. Thank you for your concern, take good care of me.», he mechanically responded, slightly bowing in front of Ui.

And his friend was going to tell him something...when an exited bark came from the front gate, catching Haise's attention almost immediately. Ui, on the other hand, kept staring at him for a while before welcoming Take with a snarling greeting...clearly uncomfortable with the tension in the air.

Words were so difficult sometimes, so much Haise wished to be able to convey emotions in a different way most of the time.

But communication could not be exhaust itself through silence alone.

Not even during dreams.

 

[ _His entire body was speaking to him, telling him to flee, to escape from that coiling pressure in his chest._

_Restless were his limbs, for he wanted to run but had nowhere to go to._

_Haise's skin was prickling under Arima's gaze, alight with something very akin to a burning sensation._

_But when Arima's voice flowed in his ears...that was what did the most damage._

_Making his world crumble once again through music alone._

_«Words are not to waste, after all. And each and every one of you have only one hour at session.», the older man said, leaning on the desktop by his patient's right side with both hands, «So I hope you will consider my request to...streamline the conversation, if you would. I will, however, address you as you will deem appropriate nonetheless, Mr Sasaki. Although, I might add it's improbable I will ever dare to call you in any way other than your last name, at worst. But I would prefer for you to call me Arima in any case.»_

_A perfect excuse for calling him by surname alone, right off the bat?_

_Who was Haise to refuse, after all...?_ ]

 

As soon as they entered the Chateau, due to their pestering attitude and predisposition to mischief, Genie and Higemaru where forced by their mentor to sit next to poor Ayumu in the living room...as far as possible from Saiko. But once Tooru suggested they began folding the paper cranes "as Saiko wished", the two of them gave their all to satisfy the girl's desire, working on the origamis with everything they had.

Naoto arrived soon after, greeted by Hirako's dog who assaulted him as soon as he stepped inside the Chateau. The man refused to rise from the ground, at least not until he was able to get all the kisses that sweet ball of fur had to offer. Take tried to pry his pet away from Naoto, but the latter yanked the lawyer on the floor as well and they both sustained the weight of the dog on their tummies for at least five minutes before Saiko and Mutsuki came to the rescue.

The first thing that came out of Naoto's mouth was a gasp, loud and clear, voiced to express his absolute disappointment in both of the kids...whose roots and hairstyles were in desperate need of a touch up, as he insisted over and over again. Hairu came in a rush from the back garden as soon as she heard Naoto over-dramatically lecturing the kids, and she was astounded by the fact that Haise had invited yet another one of her acquaintances to the party.

She wrapped her arms around the man, telling him how much she had missed him since his departure from Tokyo, asking him how was his new job as the p Ronald hairstylist of a rich and pompous socialite back in South Korea. And Naoto was eagerly explaining how his boss had recently decided to move in Tokyo once and for all...when he laid his disbelieving eyes on Haise for the first time.

Still with a arm around Hairu's shoulders, Naoto reached for the young man and his frown made Haise suspect that he wasn't going to complain about the state of his hair. After all, he was considerably skinnier than how he used to be...but when Naoto e Hairu both hugged him tightly with not a single word of reprimand from the man's part.

Saiko and Mucchan joined soon after, and Ginshi wasn't the type to let such opportunity to pass him by and he jumped at the chance to embrace so many people at the same time.

When he noticed how even Hairu had been squeezed by him, the kid hurried up to apologize for being so disrespectful towards Haise's guest, but the woman laughed it off and pulled him back into Naoto's grasp.

The lot of them swayed for a while into the embrace, at least until Shao and Higemaru smelled Saiko's presence in the welcoming huddle and tried to forcefully join the group.

Consequently, making Haise's baby girl flee for her life while Ginshi e Tooru tackled to the ground Ui's kids...until said guardian came to the rescue with the scariest face ever.

Everyone began to laugh cheerfully at the sight, even if Haise was quite uncomfortable with two of Ui's kids being so persistent in chasing Saiko.

Was she purposely leading them on, or was she at ease with all that teasing and being surrounded by people so straightforward? Was his baby girl actually frightened by them, or was she enjoying herself and the attention others where placing on her?

Then, Haise felt someone embracing him even more tightly than before, and noticed Hairu had took Naoto's place while the man was greeting Ui. She leaned on him, putting her chin on his left shoulder from behind, slowly swaying back and forth b fore speaking.

«She seems fine with the games...but you can always ask her if she's comfortable with their bold approach, you know?»

Hairu must have noticed the way he had been staring at Saiko, who was currently using Ayumu as a shield while said girl was laughing at the scene. The young man turned his head to Hairu, wondering how so many women in his life could actually read his thoughts so efficiently.

Hairu pursed her lips, humming in deep thought, «You have to promise me something, Haise. That you'll try to stop looking at the people in your life and wondering if they're suffering like you do.», she carefully said, whispering in his left ear without looking at him, «Because, otherwise...you'll end up in a fight with them, since you disapprove of the way they come with their issues. Or you'll bottle yourself up, in order to spare them from listening to you, and then you'll explode in a fit of hysteria...and they will misunderstand your intentions.»

It was clear for him that Hairu was telling all of those things because something must have happened in the past.

But she kept looking ahead in front of her, and he didn't ask a single thing in return.

«...but if you acknowledge that others deal with stuff in a different way than you do, then everything will be fine.»

Haise watched Saiko being lifted on top of Shirazu and Mutsuki's arms, while the girl lavishly seated on their forearms like a queen on her throne, waving her small hand as a noblewoman would have done in front of the subjects of her reign. Even Urie was trying to hide his smile at the scene, while stubbornly keeping himself at a safe distance from everyone in case somebody were to notice he was enjoying himself.

He wondered how was possible for his baby girl to be loved by so many people at once, or for Ginshi to be perfectly fine without a partner, or for Tooru and Urie to still be together after what had happened to them...

Love sure was strange.

"It makes you feel lonely even when you're surrounded by it.", he grimly though to himself, knowing all too well that his loneliness was probably caused by some psychological condition, and that romance or friendship didn't have to be a solution for everything. "Love is not all."

It was nothing special, indeed.

«And what about those I cannot have around?», he mindlessly asked, looking at his kids in awe...but thinking about someone else entirely.

Hairu considered his question for a bit, turning in order to watch him closely until he shared eye contact with her.

«Don't try to conquer them...but fight <em>for them</em> instead.», she told him with a sad smile on her face, one that reminded him of Touka or maybe even Yomo, but in a different way. Like Hairu had just come to terms with her sorrow and was beginning to embrace it on a completely new level.

«Fight for keeping them safe even from a distance...even if they don't want you around any longer.», she concluded, disentangling herself from him to take him around the house and force him to be a good host for his guests.

Leading him by hand like Touka did that very morning.

Like Sasako had done the night of the aggression.

In that moment he felt safe.

Even if he was apart from whom he wanted the most.

 

[ _«What I want to establish here is a safe space for you to talk with no inhibitions or fears of judgment.», Arima explained, slowly returning to his seat in front of Haise, «There will always be some level of distinction and division between the two of us, since a doctor-patient relationship represent a situation in which one party has power over the other.», he continued, sending a shiver of displeasure down his patient's spine._

_Arima's gaze was on him, but at the same time...it wasn't._

_The older man was looking a couple of centimeters down Haise's eyes, like he wasn't looking at him at all._

_«I will not disclose my personal life to you, nor will I talk to you about anything that does not concern your recovery.»_

_Those last words were especially difficult for Haise to digest...echoing through his skull like a swarm of bees trapped in his brain._

_«I don't want my patients to feel shame in voicing their opinions or thoughts, simply because I don't need them to be other than transparent with me...otherwise I will never be able to see what it's hiding inside of them.», the psychiatrist sternly explained, apparently displeased by the idea that someone could hide anything from him and consequently hinder his work or any eventual progress during the therapy, «Even if I have asked you to not bother too much with the formalities, I will be nothing but a stranger to you...not certainly a friend whose judgment you might fear, not during our sessions.»_

_...that was disappointing, to say the least._

_An invisible barrier had been placed between them, a sacred boundary Haise was not to cross or overstep._

_And suddenly carnal attraction became emotional distress, longing thoughts of sensual expectations changed into spreading displeasure and shame._

_What had made him think Arima could remember him?_

_Haise had been so dumb...so utterly stupid for thinking even for a minute that...that..._

You are disgusting _, the voice said after days of silence, emerging from that gutter of his mind,_ You, pathetic creature.

_Haise lowered his head in a vague attempt to cover his face with his bangs, suddenly very preoccupied with his writing._

_"You're right...I should...I should have known..."_

...how ugly we are.

 _How ugly they always had been._ ]

 

In the back garden the table had been placed under the only tree the Chateau had ever managed to keep alive, and many chairs were surrounding the dining area with silly balloons attached to them as a placeholder.

Unfortunately, in the rush of her quest for deals at the shopping district, Saiko had bought the wrong ones...that was to say that she had purchased them white, with various sentences of congratulations written on them for the newlyweds.

As soon as she noticed the strange setup, Hairu began to (very...very loudly) ask her brother why he hadn't told her sooner about his wedding, before insisting with Haise for him to <em>at least</em> throw the bouquet in the general direction of all of the sprinters like herself. Naoto took his chances at that game too, teasing Hairu for her desperate schemes to obtain fortune by occidental means instead of praying Ōkuninushi to bless her path to marriage.

Their playful bickering was suddenly interrupted by Mutsuki, who caught the attention of the guests by announcing Akira was on Skype and that she wanted to greet them before attending the ceremony at the shrine.

Hairu marveled once again at how many acquaintances of hers had been actually familiar with Haise, and even Genie and Touma seemed to have heard of Akira when Ui's sister mentioned the fact, lifting their heads from the paper cranes to listen to the conversation.

In the end, all of Haise's guests approached the computer in front of Mutsuki, a part from Urie, who had disappeared probably to prepare for his night out. But even when everyone was gathered around the device placed on the dinner table, Haise busied himself by rearranging some plastic cups on the tablecloth outside...before he dragged his feet towards the table.

Barely listening to the mindless chit chat Akira was entertaining the others with. Apparently, that day was her daughters' birthday, and the Mados were going to make the girls enjoy the night by attending the main festival. Her husband could be heard in the distance, reassuring the girls their yukata was beautiful and that no one would mind for a couple of twins to not have their clothes match in every single detail.

When Hairu asked to see the girls, and the others leaned over the laptop to get a better view at the screen, Haise made his appearance as well in Akira's line of sight...waving quietly in a corner. But the woman didn't even notice his presence, because she had already turned back to call the twins by her side.

As soon as he saw them, Haise cringed a bit, suddenly reminded of the night of the abduction, when he had seen their picture on Akira's profile.

But that was the first time he had been actually allowed to look at them in the flesh...even if through a computer screen.

«Hi...I'm Kurona.», greeted the first to the right, peering at the screen from over her thick-framed glasses, twirling an invisible pair of mustaches with her fingers, earning a warm laugh from the company at the table. «And this is that crybaby of my sister.», she said, pointing behind her back.

«Shut up, salty.», intervened her twin, hooking her right arm around Akira's neck while dangerously looking at her sister, «You're jealous because Taki didn't buy you a yukata as nice as mine before leaving for the States.», she continued, covering Kurona's mouth with a hand to suppress any possible retort from her part, «Aaanyway...I'm Nashiro, the _funny one_ , nice to meet you all!»

Their hair was of a soft caramel color and, while it barely covered Kurona's ears, it probably reached Nashiro's shoulders when it wasn't tied in a bun on top of her head, like it was right now. They had beautiful brown eyes, curious and lively as only fourteen year-old kids could have.

Contrary to Haise's expectations, they were utterly adorable.

So much it seemed a little forced the idea of despising them as much as he did.

Suddenly, while mindlessly (and, quite frankly, annoyingly) listening to the praises that _everyone_ in the room was addressing to them, Haise noticed Nashiro had become quiet and focused...looking right in his direction, even if he was in the back of the group gathered around Tooru.

Yet again, the girl took her sister by the hand and dragged down to her level, before whispering something in her ear.

Kurona nodded at her sister's prompt while searching with wondering eyes something on the screen...finally meeting Haise's gaze as Nashiro let her go.

The both of them looked at him dead in the eyes...before bowing deeply and speaking in unison.

«Nice to meet you, Haise.», they both said, carefully greeting the young man like they had practiced for that very moment, «We hope to meet you soon, please take care of us and our family.»

Before anyone in the room could compliment them for their respectfulness and perfect manners, Haise made his way toward the screen, putting his left hand on poor Mucchan's shoulder to better ground himself, ignoring the strange expression his kid was directing at him from underneath.

«Happy birthday.», the young man said...with the emptiest voice he had ever mastered in his entire life.

Smiling reassuringly at the girls, who had rose from their bow and were currently looking at him from under their bangs.

Maybe a little bashful, but not scared or confused...like their mother was.

Akira, still seated next to the girls, seemed to have understood what Haise had inadvertently tried to convey with that sudden and harsh response to the girls' greeting.

Indeed, her light eyes suggested him concern instead of disappointment. She had gathered the situation so well that she quickly excused herself and the girls from the call, telling Haise's guests they had to give Taki a call before leaving their home.

No one in the Chateau seemed to have sensed the tension that had just swept through their conversation. In fact not even Haise's kids, for as smart as they were, had been able to, since they were too excited to have finally met Akira's daughters.

But when the three Mados waved at them from the screen, Akira's eyes where on him until the end.

Strangely reminding him that her birthday had been the sixth of June.

"More than a month ago."

The truth was...that he had forgotten all about Akira's birthday.

In all fairness, he had been abducted only a couple of days before, but he had never addressed the fact that Akira reached thirty-two years old even.

It simply didn't matter to him, and even now he couldn't force himself to show any kind of sympathy for her...the woman had new kids to take care of, after all. Celebrating the girls' birthday during the Tanabata festival would have granted her the opportunity to enjoy what Haise had refused to give her one month before. And he felt bad for thinking that way, for feeling like that...

...but only a tiny bit.

"Just like Mucchan had told me nearly two years ago.", he thought, looking at his kid from the back garden, where Haise had found himself, standing in front of the table under the tree, "Just like I understood during the night of the abduction.", he lingered on that thought, carefully watching a smiling Mutsuki leave the living room to get ready for his date with Urie.

"If someone hurt you...you can never forget that pain."

For it was very difficult to forgive someone if you believe they wronged you in some way.

It was very difficult indeed, impossible even.

And probably irrational too.

 

[ _Nothing but a stranger, he had said._

_In some way it relieved Haise to know that his psychiatrist didn't remember him at all, because in that case the young man would have nothing to fear about the possibility to be discovered in his weird and strange fetishes._

_Given that the man seemed to have completely forgotten about their only meeting in that book shop, Haise would have been safe from any kind of assumption concerning his habit of disguise himself in order to live freely._

_He didn't have to explain himself to him...nor did he have to describe exactly what a freak he was. Or who had made him that way, for instance._

_With minimal if not inexistent repercussion, Haise could have easily lied his way out of the therapy if he were to get back to work as soon as possible._

_On the other hand, however, the idea of being so effortlessly forgotten by that very man he had a fascination with was somewhat...no, downright mortifying._

_So much it made him uncomfortable with himself for being so intrigued by his psychiatrist in the first place._

_«So...I'm not supposed to think of you as a friend to whom I can rant to...?», he bashfully asked, forcing his voice to sound light instead of angry._

_Lowering his gaze on the notebook while drowning deeper and deeper into that familiar sense of hatred and despair._

_That pool of tears he had dug himself so many years before._ ]

 

Evening approached, bringing Touka and Yomo to their door in a wind of motion.

They had just arrived from work and didn't have any time to change in more comfortable clothes, but seemed relaxed enough to enjoy dinner without problems.

Both of them were welcomed by Saiko, while Mutsuki and Urie were getting ready to depart. The latter didn't bow to them, disrespectful enough to make the usually condescending Yomo arch an eyebrow in his direction, but Tooru apologized deeply for his boyfriend's behavior before heading out to the festival downtown.

The kids escaped the party even before Haise could look properly at their yukatas, but he didn't even try to take a picture of them as he used to do the years before. Touka had been too distracted by her chat with Saiko to notice the whole thing, and yet she winked at Haise as if to tell him Urie had done nothing wrong.

Hairu began flirting with Touka almost immediately, while her brother loudly asked to be served some beer in order to drown the embarrassment his sister was causing him. Hairu shot back a snarky remark, declaring even more loudly that her brother was only jealous of her success with potential partners.

Ui's kids giggled uncontrollably after that, chanting again and again some silly song about their mentor's lack of suitors and so on.

At some point Ginshi shouted that Kuramoto was gonna be late due to a forced stop to the wholesale store, laughing out loud after being asked why in the world did he have to read the man's status on social media to gather his whereabouts instead of calling him directly.

The kid's only response was that his newfound hobby was spoiling the man's surprises at any given occasion.

Indeed, when Kuramoto appeared on the doorstep with two boxed of alcohol in hand no one cheered him, leaving him utterly disappointed in their ungrateful welcoming...before everyone started laughing cheerfully with him, urging him inside.

And when Haise greeted Shirazu at the door, telling him to say hi to his sister for him, the young man watched carefully his kid leaving, hoping he would be able to sneak inside the hospital facility without any troubles. It would have been a pity if something strange were to happen.

Everybody was so cheerful and happy.

The Chateau so full of life.

...and yet, a sudden thought caught his attention while he was in the back garden, watching at the darkening sky.

"Will I be able to see them celebrating like this...once I will be in Europe?"

He tried to imagine what Matsuri would have said in response to his doubts, but instead Haise was only able to picture the man dining with his wife or by himself. In complete and utter silence...making the young man reconsider the possibility of ever receive any reassurance from his supervisor's part.

Sometimes he felt like his boss disliked talking, if not communicating at all.

Like he couldn't be bothered by anything in the world...

...much less Haise's happiness, of course.

 

[ _There was no way out of that therapy, wasn't it?_

_Matsuri had paid this professional to cure him...and the young man couldn't possibly change it just by whining and making a scene._

_The man in front of him didn't struck as the talkative person he was pretending to be, and Haise had to focus on what he was telling him instead of daydreaming like he had done._

_He had to stop his gutter of a mind...and actually listen to what he was told._

_«For the most part, you are going to be the one talking.», Arima said with a tired expression, his eyes suddenly unfocused, his eyelids lowering on those feline eyes with slow and deliberate blinks._

_«On the other hand, I will explain to you how to process and respond to whatever is bothering you at the moment. I will not patronize you or force you to struggle with something you don't want to face, but occasionally it will be required of me to raise my voice or say something harsh in order to pull you out from some chain of thoughts or dangerous behavior, if necessary.»_

_Of course he would._

_He was paid to do it, after all._ ]

 

Dinner was cheerful, and Haise got a chance to distract his mind from those "dangerous thoughts" Arima had told him to avoid.

He had been seated in between Yomo and Take, the both of them quietly enjoying their meal in peace while sharing some pleasant and polite talk with their host, without pressuring him into keep up with the dialogue. Saiko was at the other end of the table, right in front of Haise, and she was playfully bickering with Touka and Hairu, the two of them seated at her sides.

Next to Touka were Ui and Shao, the first of them nervously drinking way too much for his own good, the latter suddenly very quiet and brooding...probably as a result of losing against Higemaru in the paper folding match. While alongside Hairu were Naoto and Touma, discussing about the older man's work oversea.

A merry night...even if stargazing was actually impossible due to the heavy light pollution of the night.

Mosquitos had been kept at bay thanks to the repellent, but even if the smell was too intense for Haise it didn't affect the guests.

But even then, a coiling and gutting feeling of pure desperation didn't cease to torment him for the entire night, a sense of boredom mixed with loneliness that was giving him a hard time in concealing his emotions.

Touka had looked at him with concern more than once, silently asking him what was wrong with him, but he had dismissed her questioning looks with a kind smile nonetheless.

Ui and Hairu seemed to be particularly interested in their silent dialogue, frequently sparing glances from Touka to Haise in an attempt to understand what was going on. Yomo, on the other hand, kept refilling the young man's plate with more and more servings of food while Hirako spoke about their colleagues at the office.

And he felt selfish to be in such a bad mood while surrounded by so many thoughtful people...

...but nagging thoughts were stuck in his head at the point he didn't even know what to do.

It was like his entire body was telling him something only his mind could grasp.

"I don't want to be here."

He had always thought to be an extrovert, but in reality he was afraid of people and eye contact.

And he needed a break every once in a while from social activities, that was for sure.

However, what he was currently feeling...was wrong.

It was too soon to be so...so desperate for someone like that.

He had never been so scared in his entire life. Not even when he had seen his reflection on the mirror of _Madam's_ while Torso was stroking his hair. Not even when he understood to be similar to "her" in so many ways.

It was a different kind of fear, not panicking or scattered all over the place by adrenaline...but focused, aimed at a single feeling, hiding in the folds of his intestines like a tapeworm lurking inside of him.

Like five, long, diaphanous fingers rummaging through his guts, ready to clench at any given moment.

Reminding him who he belonged to.

 

[ _Duty or not, necessity or pleasure, they where stuck._

_Haise fidgeted on his seat, disgusted by his arousal in the presence of the man Matsuri had chosen to take good care of him._

_And for as addictive as Arima's voice was, he was finally able to calm down once and for all at one, single though._

_"I am nothing to him."_

_To which, the ever-helpful voice prompted._

No...you're nothing, period.

_Haise could heave a sigh of relief after that, too crestfallen to feel anything but pain..._

_...finally listening to Arima with a clearer mind and a darker heart, like he was supposed to do. The older man kept talking, even if it was clear he disliked speaking to such an extent._

_Or, at least, this was what Haise convinced himself of._

_«I will not abuse you verbally or physically, and my first concern is always going to be your recovery...even if sometimes you will be led to think otherwise.», Arima said, narrowing his eyes like he wanted to search something into the young man's ones._

_However, Haise couldn't stand that eye contact for more than a few seconds, looking around the room afterwards._

_The psychiatrist seemed strangely pleased by that, talking with a brighter tone than before,_

_«But, even then, it will not be your fault. Just keep in mind that sometimes the sessions are going to be hard on you...but I will be here to guide you through anything that you might be afraid to face.»_

_A guide then...to where, though?_

Through the depths and thorns of Hell itself.

_Haise rose his gaze then, but not enough to meet with Arima's one._

_For he was afraid to look into the eyes of such a person..._

_...who had seen Death and survived to tell the tale._ ]

 

Fireworks displayed their beautiful designs late at night, having the city cheering in delight.

Everyone had already wrote their wishes to hang on the bamboo tree, and their tanzaku were now gently fluttering in the wind by the thin branches.

Haise had thought almost for the entirety of the evening about his wish, but in the end he chose to put it on the tree during the fireworks, when everyone would have been too engrossed in the sight to notice him sneaking away from them.

He stepped back from the group, silently treading on damp grass to the beginning of the back garden, where he found the vase containing the tree, nearby the steps that lead to the living room.

The red card he had snatched from the coffee table some hours prior was now all crumpled up after staying so long inside the back pocket of his slacks. Looking around in search of something to write with, he then found a pen someone must have forgot to put back when they had signed the plastic cups in order to recognize them.

The soft but artificial light of an electric candle shone from one of the basement steps leading inside, radiating from the ground for Haise to write with shaky strokes while leaning on the window frame and crouching down to get a better hold of both the pen and the card.

But before he could write anything on that piece of paper, his gaze fell on one particular tanzaku, hanging low on one of the branches to his right.

It was green, and said few, kind words...that surely he wasn't supposed to read.

"I wish Teach good luck, I wish for them to be happy."

For _them_ , it said.

 

[ _«So, like...a teacher?», he had asked the man, the one who was supposed to make him better understand his condition._

_The one who would have took him on a journey to discover the valleys of despair, to unleash the beast within his flesh...and to teach him how to kill it, hopefully._

_Arima considered his choice of words with a careful gaze, measuring him, sizing him up._

_Tying an imaginary leash around his neck._

_«...if you prefer to call it that way.», he finally said, agreeing to make a pact with the young man. Accepting to teach him all about Death and its many names._ ]

 

Mucchan had always been kind, to the point he had sacrificed his wish for his guardian, not even for Urie or himself.

But Haise wasn't even remotely as good as his kid was, for he was selfish and manipulative and ugly above anything else.

He quickly wrote his wish on the card, and he refused to look back to the rest of the group...even if he could feel Touka's eyes on him.

Being unable to join his hands, the young man simply lowered his gaze before trying to convey his feelings in a quiet thought.

His wish had been delivered by a silent prayer, pronounced as soon as the tanzaku had been left hanging from one of the branches.

"I wish to stop feeling this way."

That had been Haise's only desire for the seventh night of July.

His only hope not only to get better soon, but to quit being so intrigued by that very man who was supposed to cure him in the first place too.  
For the young man knew he had already fallen for him...and wanted nothing but to be freed by such violent feeling.

By such disgusting and horrendous emotion.

*

Any time Doctor Shiba had deemed necessary for him to get a complete check up at the hospital, Haise had always been uncomfortable at the idea of being touched by so many strangers.

That last week of July had been particularly difficult for him, since he had been visited at least four times already because of the sessions scheduled for him. But it was only when a new andrologist visited him that he felt the most vulnerable, given that he wasn't particularly fond of having his balls being fondled by some gloved hands. He wasn't that kinky yet to appreciate such care and...what certainly had to be quite the professional interest in his testis.

However, the person currently examining him with quick and efficient motions had such a strange expression on their face it was difficult for Haise not to be afraid. How long were they thinking to keep looking at his genitals now? Was there something strange?

Did...did he have pubic louse?

Impossible, he didn't have that many hair to begin with, he...he should have already noticed...right?

Suddenly his physician –a foreigner, probably European judging by their pointy traits and light freckles– looked him dead in the eyes and frowned deeply.  
«Have you ever pulled at your pubic hair as a stress reliever, Mr Sasaki?», they asked, with that particular accent that had greeted Haise into his studio.

Ashamed by the sudden recognition that he had –indeed– been avoiding masturbating by scratching at his intimate parts, the young man lowered his head in an embarrassed nod, beating himself up for being so stupid to actively try to kill his erections with his nails. Wishing that a certain someone's face wasn't so comforting to think about under the covers before going to sleep. And, on a more serious note, he wished for his body to behave like he was supposed to do.

Because it was just plainly wrong for him to feel arousal after being kidnapped and dressed like a doll by some fucking serial killer.  
Because he was afraid to touch himself while those memories could easily resurface and make him feel miserable once more.  
Because images of that night dwelled in the back of his mind everyday still, even if he was feeling somewhat good.

And maybe that was the problem...since he shouldn't be feeling that way at all.

«Try to tone it down from now on.», that strange person said, taking off their gloves before writing down some kind of prescription cream for him to apply on the skin during the night, «You may have low testosterone levels and sparser body hair than common people, but if you keep scratching so hard you'll end up injuring yourself just as much as a crab louse would do.»

Haise got fidgety on the bed in the corner of the small office, trying to think about if he had took his prescription pills that morning. Trying to remember if even Mutsuki had took his own, too. He really couldn't remember...but surely he didn't have anything to fear, since the kid had been so exited about beginning hormone replacement therapy. But he reply couldn't get his mind to work that morning...did he took the pills or...?

«In your file is reported you had been one of Doctor Arima Kishou's patients since the beginning of this month.», suddenly came from the andrologist, who abruptly interrupted Haise's train of thoughts reciting what had been written on his medical reports.

«Oh yes...yes, I am.», he said quite nervously, taking that small talk from the doctor as a way to leave him to dress up and get ready to leave.

Their expression blank, a strand of dyed hair mindlessly twisted by their twirling fingers. They seemed to ponder about something before taking their eyes off from the computer screen and finish to write down the prescription with hasty and quick movements of the pen.

«Well, he's a good psychiatrist...maybe a bit too severe even for my standards. But he's going to help you with your little...stress issue as well.», they concluded, pointing at Haise's pants with the pen they were still using.

«So...have you met Doctor Arima?», he tried to chat...everything to avoid thinking about Arima dealing personally with his...(now anything but) little issue.

«He put a cousin of mine back on his feet a couple of years ago. But since my arrival here I haven't yet been able to see him again.», they efficiently answered while rising from the chair and handing over a note for him to read afterwards.

«...have you just arrived here at the hospital...Doctor Kanae?», he asked after carefully reading on the name tag their surname, a very strange one indeed.

«... _was?_ », they absentmindedly said with that same thick accent, that Haise was finally able to recognize as German from the inflection of the letter "w".

Probably noticing the way his patient had stopped talking, the physician blinked for a couple of times before lightly hitting their head with the pen they were holding. «... _wie dumm von mir._ », they whispered under their breath, rubbing the top of the pen in between their eyebrows. «I'm sorry, Mr Sasa...»

« _Das ist nicht schlimm!_ », Haise promptly responded even if quite embarrassed, telling them not to worry about their language slip.

The doctor's demeanor a that point changed gradually but steadily, as they regarded Haise with a widening smile instead of a suspicious frown.

They began talking full-on German, excitedly explaining something about their pleasure to meet other German-speaking people...and some other things.

«Please...no please...I'm sorry. I'm still learning, I'm not at that point yet...», the young man excused himself, quieting the physician almost immediately.

He could relax only when the doctor retrieved their frown...because, for as pleasant as it had been finding a common trait between them, Haise certainly didn't want to bond over German language with the person who had just touched his genitals in a clinic. That would have been too much after all.

Fortunately, the doctor had stopped smiling, but their expressions had considerably warmed to him.

«I'm sorry, Mr Sasaki...it was unprofessional of me to get so emotional.»

«Plese, don't worry. It was nice being able to see the results of my studying...even if only briefly.»

Doctor Kanae nodded thoughtfully to him, sitting back on his chair behind the desk, effectively urging him to dress up quickly.

«Take care, and if you allow me to give you a suggestion...don't squeeze them too much.», they declared in a dead-serious tone.

However, it did nothing to stop Haise from blushing hard nonetheless, at least once he understood what exactly they had been talking about.

Well, if he didn't have already died from the scratches, it was improbable he would ever get hurt by holding his testis too hard. Although, he wouldn't even be sure about the possibility of injuring himself during sex. Not that the information could have been of any interest for him, since no one would ever give him blue balls in the first place, especially in his condition. But still...

"I knew that going to the andrologist would be worse than getting a MRI."

Doctor Shiba and his entourage had to stop planning all of those visits for him to take year after year...their interest in his wellbeing was utterly insane.

After dressing himself completely, Haise greeted the physician and decided to take a walk as a distraction from...from everything, really. He took a stroll around the hospital park in the back of the building, admiring some of the weird geometric sculptures that adorned the path every once in a while. There were no flowers in sight, probably because many patients were allergic to pollen or perhaps there had recently undergone surgery or were currently experiencing the struggles of some other kind of delicate therapy.

All in all, however, the garden looked nothing but desolate and unwelcoming, and even the sight of lonely patients wheeled down the gray cobbled roads was disquieting in itself. There were little to no nurses around, and many patients had been left to fend for themselves...but, whenever Haise had thought about offering his help to those people, he had felt insecure about even approaching them.

Would have they been offended by his concern? Would had he been nothing but an asshole in case he were to ignore their presence on the road?

Maybe he should have visited Ginshi's sister, or called Amon, or even write something to Akira instead...but he felt miserable just by thinking about reaching for them just because he felt inadequate to help other patients.

However, at the same time, he didn't feel compassionate at all...like other people's troubles couldn't face him in the slightest.

It was a strange yet familiar sensation, feeling like two or more things at the same time...being unable to clearly identify his own emotions.

But once he found himself nearing back the path leading to the hospital entrance, the first thing he could pinpoint as his current mood was panic. And he felt his heart pierced and filled by it the moment he lifted his head and saw the CCGS building right next to the clinic.

That tall, impossibly high skyscraper that could reflect light from any angle, multiplying its depth thanks to the many windows and irony joints...quite the stairway to the top of the social pyramid, in Haise's opinion. But an escalator to hell nonetheless, since the mere sight of it could spark nothing but fear and loathing through the young man's veins.

However, he was suddenly shook out of his stupor...when a shadow approached him from the corner of his eye.

A tall man, dressed in a all-black livery and long dark hair secured in a low ponytail, had bowed nearly a meter and a half to Haise's left...scaring the living shit out of him, to be completely honest.

«Good morning, Mr Sasaki. I hope you remember me, I'm Mr Matsuri Washuu's personal driver, Abara Hanbee.»

Haise looked at him with a deepening frown on his face, for it was a bit difficult for him to concentrate at the moment. But when he was finally able to recognize him, his eyes widened in realization, and he quickly bowed to the tall man.

«Of course, you're the one who helped me by taking me home as fast as you could.», he impulsively said...before covering his mouth in horror for what he had just declared in front of Matsuri's employee.

But the man in front of him seemed approachable enough to smile at his remark with a gleeful expression...which appeared a tad bit too creepy on his ghostly face. «Please don't fret it, Mr Sasaki. It was my pleasure to be of any help for you, then...and in the most recent past as well.», Abara reassured him, bowing yet another time after taking off his cap.

However, Haise had no time to question what he had meant by referring to the "most recent past", for the man asked him if he had any time to spare.

«I'm sorry to ask you this,», he continued, putting back his cap on and tightening his low ponytail at the nape, «but I was asked to escort you to the car to take you home...again, I'm afraid.», he finally said, looking somewhat displeased by the idea of forcing Haise into yet another uncomfortable situation.

Realizing he had no way to get away from there without appear inconsiderate and disrespectful to his boss, Haise looked behind Abara's shoulders to see the black car with tinted windows parked just in front of the entrance of the hospital courtyard. A different vehicle from the last one he had traveled on, longer and shinier, probably new...but not less intimidating to the eye.

 _So? What are you afraid of?,_ the voice loudly cracked inside his head.

_This is what you deserve...after all._

"Matsuri is waiting for me.", he hopelessly though, forcing himself to be brave.

He rose his gaze toward Abara, smiling sadly and nodding his head, letting him lead the way towards the car.

«I'll make sure to take you home safely again, Mr Saski. Don't worry.», the driver said in a whisper before opening the rear door to let him in.

Haise widened his smile to him, but hold his breath before stepping on the seat nonetheless.

The door shut behind him, trapping inside, away from the light.

«Good to see you, Mr Sasaki.», said a voice coming from the seat in front of him...  
...and the kind and smiling face of his supervisor's wife appeared into his field of vision.

A sight that scared him perhaps even more than seeing Matsuri in the flesh.

*

The woman insisted to stop for a couple of minutes by a park nearby, asking Haise to be patient with her for the time being.

Her only explanation for that sudden change of plans was yet another kind smile...  
...and the sharpest remark the young man had ever heard in his entire life.

«I thought it was time for me to meet my husband's lover.»

Which, comprehensively, would have shut anyone's mouth on the spot. And, more than that, it actually made Haise shut his legs so fast he thought he had injured his balls just by hearing that sentence coming out of those red lips.

He stuttered, trying to deny...to assure her it wasn't true. That he and Matsuri never...

«Please, refrain from trying to explain yourself to me.», she interrupted him, raising a hand to further her statement, «I do not wish to know exactly at what point your relationship with my husband has progressed.»

This scared him more than anything else, sure his life would have ended in some ugly way by the hand of the...

"...wait a minute. It's Iyo we're talking about...the sweetest person on Earth."

_You mean...the woman whose husband you've possessively kissed while wearing just a hospital gown?_

God...he was pretty much done for.

However, Iyo Washuu appeared nothing but relaxed in front of him, so much that Haise was able to feel only genuine concern seeping through her expression when she took a hold of his hands in her manicured fingers and widened her smile.

«I'm simply here to talk business with you, that's all I ask.», she said in a reassuring and vaguely playful tone.

Like she hadn't meant to sound so intimidating.

So terribly frightening in her blinding appearance.

When they reached their destination, Iyo opened the door by herself, and she was the one to close behind Haise once he had stepped down the car. She took his left elbow and proceeded to walk with him by the arm, not at all distressed by the idea of tainting the em of her long skirt on the dirt track leading to the depths of the park. She wasn't tall, nor bulky, and her entire body seemed to breathe in and out after being kissed by the sun rays and the whispering wind.

A woman that Haise had always deemed to be too...well, too plain and simple to be of any interest, was now revealing her true nature in front of his eyes just by walking next to him. With her deep sighs and light steps, she had inadvertently disclosed to him a thing of beauty. A creature seeking something so passionately it showed through her entire being.

But Haise had to shook himself out of those strange thoughts the moment they reached a fountain, in the middle of the park. For Iyo stopped in front of it with a sad expression on her face, absentmindedly focusing her gaze on some kids playing in the distance before speaking again.

«Contrary to my husband expectations, I'm not stupid...nor am I cruel to the point of forcing him to fake happiness in a marriage with no future.»

Her statement surprised Haise greatly, if not for the declaration in itself surely for the tone she had used to communicate such unsettling truth.

Drops of water coming from the fountain in front of them caressed them in gentle drizzle, pushed slowly by the wind twirling around them.

But Iyo didn't mind any of it, smiling at her dampening skirt like a child welcoming a sudden but enjoyable spray of water during a summer day.

«It's my interest as well that Matsuri obtains that position in Germany...since both of us need to be free from what this society expects of us.», she continued, meeting Haise's gaze with a pensive expression and a small shrug of her shoulders, «Our mansion is, I'm afraid, too big for two people...and yet too small for us to live peacefully inside its echoey halls and cold bedrooms.»

She turned away from the fountain, leading the young man around its springing pipes to close the distance with the beautiful flowerbeds skirting the main track. Her touch so light on Haise's arm he didn't even mind to be that close to her in the first place.

«We're ten years apart from each other, and now I'm nearly forty years old...I'm not a kid anymore.», she revealed, pointing at the fine, almost invisible wrinkles adorning the corner of her eyes, «I care for him as a sister would...even as a mother sometimes, since I used to take care of him when he was only a small child left to fend for himself.», she continued, rising her head to look up at the clouds, running away like hunting greyhounds or fleeing carps.

Nothing could be seen in those black eyes but an elusive remembrance of sadness.

She was looking at the sky like she needed to find answers in its immensity.

To find maybe a single drop in a ocean too vast to explore.

«But I'm tired to be considered the evil one by the very man I want to protect. And, for as patient as i am, it has become quite difficult for me to live in complete silence with my husband. For he thinks that I am nothing but uninterested in his job, and stupid above all.»

Some bees were dancing around the colorful flowers, filling the silence that had followed her last words for a very long time before Iyo dared to spoke again.

«And it is true that I don't particularly care for his accomplishments in his career. Since I'm not too keen on learning how he manages to drain of all their money this or that CEO after they had worked their entire life only to be crushed by Matsuri's words in court.», she declared with her chin up and her shoulders wide, looking down at the flowers with a small, nearly invisible snarl on her red lips.

Like she wanted to crush their beautiful petals...for some strange and terrifying reason.

It lasted a mere instant, before she was able to smile again in his direction.

Proceeding with her speech like nothing happened.

«I seek happiness just as much as he does...but I lost my chance to have a family many and many years before marrying him. I have my dignity and I do not wish to keep lying by telling myself I can live with a homosexual man...who doesn't want to have anything to do with me.», she stopped in her tracks to look at Haise in the eyes, forcing him to listen until the end what she was trying to say.

What she was trying to convey with her convoluted words.

«...you wanted to talk business with me, Ma'am.», he reminded her, still vaguely afraid of her authority as Matsuri's wife.

Her smile kind, her head framed by her long and lavish hair now gently moved by the rising wind. And the clouds up in the sky were running so fast in their chase to the horizon to actually cast dreadful shadows on Iyo's face.

Never had the young man been more creeped out by someone on such a bright and sunny morning.  
Never had he witnessed a determined look like the one he was face with at the moment.

«To tell you the truth, Sasaki, it's not important if you love him or not. Because you love your kids...and, before fall, the Committee is going to vote for the eventual disbandment of the program for peculiar children. A program that sustains itself through donations and trust founds. And the next fundraising is scheduled for the end of next week, and I hope you'll participate with all of your kids.»

Iyo didn't have that much power in the CCGS, but one thing was true about her: that, above all things, she was the wife of one of the most influential man in the entire Committee.

Furthermore, none of the actual members of the board had ever been interested in silly things like charity events or found-raising activities: it was, indeed, customary of their wives to organize such boring necessities. More than that, if there was something that those neglected women could do in order to relieve some frustration...that was sharing secrets with one another. About everything and everyone.

And if Matsuri could have easily bribed someone in the Committee to vote in favor of the abrogation of the program for peculiar kids...his wife could have just as easily been able to blackmail anyone in the board to to the very same thing.

Haise looked at that kind woman with different eyes.

Feeling like a fool for having thought for even a second she wanted him to stay away from her husband.  
Feeling like she had just provided the last nail to cover his coffin once and for all.

«I just want you to think about what I have just told you.», she said in a low tone, leading once again the way back to the car.

«...you want me to think about letting your husband cheat on you with me.», he hastily responded, his steps stiff all of a sudden.

«My...what a blunt way to put it.»

«It's hardly inappropriate when it's the truth...»

«But it is...since I'm not asking you to do anything but...giving him what he wants.»

«...to give away my freedom, then.», he numbly concluded, lightheaded and on the verge of yet another mental breakdown.

Her voice came in a murmur, but clear enough to surpass the buzzing of the bees nearby.  
«Matsuri's not a bad person. But it's difficult for me to see him stressing over someone who is, apparently, afraid of him.»

While walking away from the fountain for the second time, Haise tried to not think about what the woman had just told him...all to no avail, of course.

Was he really afraid of the man?

He wasn't sure.

Memories of those cups of coffee late at night spread like a warming charm in his aching heart, and the powerful desire he had experienced in the hospital room had been enough for him to question his fear of the man. He had felt trapped in a corner, that was true...but being embraced like that hadn't been bad in itself.

Quite the opposite, actually...even if he was having a hard time trying to remember how painful it had been kissing his supervisor.  
How unbelievably frightening it had felt to be hold so possessively by him.

«He's been raised by his great-grandfather, a stern and unforgiving man who didn't have much time for children. Then he was send to a private school in Germany, where he made many connections...but very few friends. My husband has never quite learned how to express love or even compassion...so don't judge him too harshly for his behavior. He's been taught to take everything by force...but it's thanks to you that he's now questioning his habits and actions.»

Iyo's words came again like a soft whisper brushing up his ears.

Making him forget how easy it was for people to persuade others just by talking to them.

«...quite a miserable sight, if I have to say so myself. He doesn't eat, nor is he interested in doing his job at the best of his possibilities. His grandfather is pretty displeased with him as well. His behavior is not what he needs in order to make a good impression on those that will eventually choose him to lead the European branch.», she insinuated, gently pushing him away from her so that she could open the door of the car they had just approached.

And, while looking at her, Haise couldn't really understand how she could be serious in her intentions.

How was it possible for her to...to be alright with her husband falling for another man?

She smiled once again, keeping the door opened for him to step inside.  
«Germany will be a new beginning for the both of you, away from this oppressive society and its expectations.»

Freedom.

That was what Iyo was seeking with all her heart.

That was what drove her to use such tricks in order to make her husband leave Japan.

«I would have never imagined you to be such a shark yourself, Ma'am.», he nearly spat out, entering the car once again.

She smiled sweetly at him, waiting for the young man to relax on the rear seat before joining him shirt after.

«Well, after being ruled by the Washuus for such a long time...you are eventually bound to rule by the Washuu Law as well.»

She might have looked like a quiet and kind woman, but she had been able to live under Matsuri's roof for almost ten years.  
And that had certainly required no little amount of determination.

Let alone a great deal of survival instinct.

*

Once the car pulled over nearby the Chateau, Haise stepped out of the vehicle without greeting Iyo, nor Abara...even if the man had rolled down the window to check on him after he had hastily closed the rear door.

A disgusting sense of deja-vu hit him the moment he crashed on the floor as soon as he entered the Chateau. Just like the first time Matsuri had tried to force him to do what he wanted, the young man was now hunched over by the door, heaving deep and breaths in order to calm himself down.

However, the daylight was still blasting loudly from the windows, and he had no intention whatsoever to contact Akira to be reassured that everything was going to be okay. He looked around, in search of something to distract his mind from the panic caused by Mrs Washuu and her determination: Urie's shoes in the lobby, his car's keys on the cupboard nearby the door, a bunch of mail resting under a flower vase on that very same piece of furniture.

It kind of worked, focusing his attention on all of those insignificant details, giving some break to his overwhelmed and tired mind.

But that exercise in self control could do nothing to change the fact that he was...not scared, but certainly confused.

He seated back on the floor, scratching his head with his left hand, and forced himself to think rationally about his preoccupations, just like his psychiatrist had suggested him during their last session.

Why had he felt so...unsettled by that woman's speech?  
A part from the subtle blackmailing, Iyo's words had been...had been like some sort of...blessing? A fucking creepy one at that...but one nonetheless.

He had never experienced such a thing, since Akira had never openly talked to him about his sexuality or his preference for men. And it wasn't the same thing when (almost) all of his kids had been supportive of his relationship with Touka...since he wasn't even sure what she was for him in the first place.

Sometimes he just...he just had to remind himself he was, indeed, bisexual.  
Sometimes he just needed to remind others too.

But what Iyo said had been...refreshing, even if in a scary way. She didn't even asked him to stop seeing Matsuri, nor did she tried to shame him for being the way he was. The woman had been quite understanding in regards of his situation, and she even gave him some insight into her husband's state of mind...revealing him all of those things about his childhood and whatnot.

And even if she had clearly tried to manipulate him like a puppet...he had already set his mind to going to Germany. So it wasn't like she could force him anymore to do what he had been planning from April. But that had been the first time that Haise had felt somewhat positive about his decision.

It...it could work. With Matsuri.

Away from that oppressive Country, the both of them free to lean on each other in the moments of need, no one messing around with their personal life any longer...it could really work. Surely Matsuri would have never denied him to visit his kids in Japan, and they could always travel and work together as a team once again, as they used to do when the young man had begun working in the Attorney Department...

However, many things were tying Haise to that place.

Many people smiling brightly at him in his mind, from Touka to Akira, and Saiko and Ginshi and Tooru and...and even Urie.

All of them would have probably loved him no matter what...even if sometimes his doubts were really hard to prove wrong.

And lastly, there was someone in particular that he would have loathed to be separated from...but to what benefit did he have to think about him?

He didn't want to fall in love with his psychiatrist, nor did he have time, considering his primary need to recovery in order to keep working under Matsuri.

Furthermore, it was stupid of him to think about Arima in such a way, since the man didn't even remember their first encounter in the bookstore.

But even so...he had...he absolutely had to stop feeling those ugly things.  
Everyone would agree with him on that point.

Even "him".  
_"In this room you are not allowed to love anyone...love is poisonous."_

Even "her".  
_"Be kind to others...but never love anyone, because they will leave."_

...Arima would never feel that way toward him, after all.  
So no damage would be made in case Haise were to leave Japan, only to visit every once in a while his kids and his friends.

Touka would have been reluctant to let him go, but she would have certainly understood his need for a new life.

Nimura...apparently didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, so that had been taken care of as well.

Akira had her girls now to think about, so she wouldn't miss him anyway.

No one would die if he were to fly away from them.

"It's better to be hurt...than to hurt others", he reminded himself, repeating those words like a mantra in his head.

He had no right to feel like that. After what had happened to him...he was not supposed to fall in love so suddenly.

Rising from the ground with the mail in hand, Haise tried with all his might to convince himself of those resolutions, sitting by the dinner table while nodding and scratching his chin, face, and head after tossing in front of him what he was holding. He focused his gaze on the plain envelopes on the table, pondering which one of them had been for him...a pathetic attempt to avoid thinking about Arima, Matsuri, Touka or his romantic life in general.

He really had to force himself to stop feeling lonely.

Lowering his left hand from his head, the young man didn't even notice the strands of hair tangled in his fingers, nor did he see the bloody nails when he absentmindedly browsed through the mail. For he had been too captivated by a single white envelope...  
...destined to Urie.

His kid had been waiting for a response from the Academy board since the end of June.  
That was surely the final decision of the Commission to accept the draft for his thesis project. A pass that would have granted Urie access to the material and founding she needed to begin his research as soon as possible.

Imagine what face he would have showed Haise in case his mentor were to give him the great news!

And it was too late for the young man to wait before opening the envelope, for he was able to cut the letter free of its paper cage even with only one hand. His smile wide, his heart ablaze at the thought of delivering such a great message to his first son...happy to finally be able to make it up to him in some way.

His steps fast, his breaths liberating to no end...he rushed up the stairs with the letter in hand, nearly tripping over his slippers on his way to Urie's room.

But right before knocking at the door...his gray eyes really focused on what was written on the letter in the first place.

It was from Doctor Shiba, not from the board.

The door suddenly opened in front of him, but there was no smile to welcome Urie out in the corridor.  
«...what does this mean?», Haise asked, still looking at the letter instead of meeting the kid's confused expression.

Urie had probably heard him running up the stairs, stepping out of his room to understand what all that ruckus had been about. However, his guardian couldn't even bear to glance at him without shaking with fear and anger.

«It's from the medical center at the Academy...they have asked you to take a drug test, together with your classmates.», Haise recited with a monotone voice, unable to explain even to himself what was happening to him, «...you resulted positive to anabolic steroids.»

When Haise met his eyes, the kid looked...somewhat unconcerned.

He had probably interrupted his daily training, because he was sweating so much he was actually glistening and because he was wearing his running shorts and...and some sort of support tank top that looked pretty uncomfortable on his chest.

But the young man had barely time to think about his kid's outfit, given that Urie turned away from him, hiding his eyes behind the bangs while marching inside the room. And this gave Haise the chance to talk without feeling oppressed by his unforgiving and frustrated eyes.

«...you haven't yet received any answer from the board.», Haise pondered, looking at his kid's shoulders...unable to recognize him anymore.  
His bulking up, the aggressive mood, his fixation with sports...

How had he not saw it coming?

«You're gonna be expelled...isn't it?», he continued, following Urie inside while shaking uncontrollably, «They...they're not going to let you graduate...», he insisted, his teeth rattling, his bones aching all over, «...what has gotten into you? Urie...how am I supposed to...?»

He was brutally interrupted by Urie's right hand, clutching at Haise's troath so hard it become difficult for him to breathe.

«You had no right to open it.», the boy spat out in a growl, his muscles flexing, his right arm sustaining Haise by the neck in mid air.

The young man's feet weren't touching the ground anymore.

«You have no right to say anything to me.», the kid continued, walking slowly toward the door, still keeping his mentor hanging from his hold.

A pulsing sensation rushed to Haise's bulging eyes, threatening to make his head explode from the pressure.

His right hand unmoving by his side, his left one pressing at Urie's head in order to make him stop.

«...I...ted...prot...ct...you...», he tired, unable to convey anything with a voice so thin.

«Protect me?», Urie snarled, tossing his guardian out of the room with a powerful shove.  
He looked from above at Haise's body on the ground, dangerously regarding him with a pitiless gaze.

«Protect me...when you cannot even protect yourself?!», he shouted before closing the door and shutting himself inside.

Leaving Haise on the corridor floor, gasping for air, burning in fear and loathing...  
...listening from the outside to the horrendous noise of Urie trashing his room out of anger.

Out of pure hatred for his guardian alone.

*

At dinner that evening, only Mutsuki regarded of any attention Haise's new addition to his outfit. A white and blue bandana tied up around his neck.

Urie didn't acknowledged his boyfriend's observation, showing an uninterested expression for the whole meal while eating his rice in silence.

Their mentor, on the other hand, welcomed Mutsuki's compliments with a small smile that couldn't even reach his bloodshot eyes.

Saiko kept quiet, stuffing her mouth shut with food, looking suspiciously between Tooru's unaware smile and Urie's uncaring frown.

Ginshi rose from his chair with a sad face, tossing the rest of his unfinished dinner in the dumpster behind the counter.

No one mentioned the fact that Haise had been cried all afternoon in his room either.  
No one have even asked if he was alright, to be honest.

*

«...so, what do you think has happened?»

«I don't know Shiragin...but Mucchan hasn't understood anything either?»

«...he's probably preoccupied with his own problems. I heard him talking to Takizawa the other night...they were on Skype.»

«You've eavesdropped them? Oh Ginshi...»

«I know, I know...but apparently Tooru doesn't want to do the surgery anymore.»

«...how so? He was so excited when he told us last April...»

«He said he didn't want to stress Sassan over this too.»

«...oh no. Poor Mucchan...is there...is there anything we can do?»

«I don't think so. I only hope Sassan didn't cry for this.»

«...maybe it's my fault.»

«Saiko, you've done nothing wrong...»

«Maybe...maybe he's heard me...throwing up in the toilet.»

«...a...a-again?»

«...I'm sorry...I...»

«It's okay, Saiko. It's okay...please don't cry...I hate when you cry, please...»

«...oh my god, I broke Maman...oh god...oh god...»

«Maybe...maybe not! Think about it Saiko...maybe...maybe it's me, instead.»

«...but how? Do you...do you think he knows...?»

«Maybe he's discovered I've been left back a year...and that I've lied about my grades too...»

«No, I don't think he knows...everything...everything's going to be fine.»

«I will study even more to retake the final test I had in June...»

«Did Professor Tanakamaru told you that you can retake the exam before September?»

«...he has assured me I will be able to prove the board wrong by the end of the summer vacation...if I study hard enough, that is.»

 _How lovely_ , said Yami in a whisper, talking behind his left ear.

Hugging him tightly in his arms while rocking back and forth on their black leather shoes.

 _Aren't you happy they keep so many secrets from you?_ , they asked, rubbing their chin on Haise's shoulder, humming softly a mindless tune.

The young man glanced one last time at his kids from the door of Saiko's room left ajar...before walking away on quiet feet.

Yami followed him closely until the both of them reached the stairs.  
On top of which, Yami remained, letting Haise descend them in the dark.

 _You need me...no one gets you like I do..._ , they reminded him, waiting for him to turn his head in their direction.

But the young man kept staring into the void, treading slowly on shaky steps in the middle of the night.

«...I think you're right.», he finally whispered before reaching the ground floor.

Knowing all too well Yami has already disappeared into thin air.

*

Haise didn't dare to go to sleep that night.

He studied on his books, like he usually did when he tried to not think about his problems at all. His throat was sore, his neck painfully swollen, and repeating the words he needed to memorize was uncomfortable for him...so he wrote. Pages upon pages of those same words again and again and again, until he had been able to remember their orthography, meaning, and pronunciation by heart.

By the end of the night, his left hand couldn't move anymore, tired after all those attempts to write in place of the right one.

His fingers trembling, his digits pulsing, but at least he was still able to feel through them.  
His right one, instead, was what preoccupied him the most...since he wasn't able to move the wrist anymore.  
Like the paralysis had spread over the hand, now aiming towards the elbow with slow but deliberate intents.

However, he had no time for that, given that the next day he would have waited in front of Doctor Shiba's office to obtain some explanations. After all, Haise had never been asked to justify Urie's actions in front of the Academy's dean, so there was still a small possibility for his kid to graduate.

Furthermore, the Doctor had personally mailed the results of the drug test to the boy, perhaps after being asked to do a check up by Urie himself...but that would have made no sense, since the kid was already taking the steroids by his own volition.

Then, a single thought stroke Haise so hard it actually made it painful for him to breathe.  
His heart ached at the idea that such possibility could...that his kid would be...  
No.  
Fretting over something so vague would have been completely useless before hearing

Doctor Shiba's opinion. But there was still the problem of the confidentiality agreement to overcome...he had no idea if the physician would have been able to provide any explanation to him, since Urie was now legally an adult, even if still under his care.

Actually...no, Haise had a pretty good idea about those kind of things, since he was, indeed, Urie's guardian and he was going to be just as much until the kids twenty first birthday, to grant him a complete recovery and a smooth reinstate in Japan society.  
Doctor Shiba had to tell him everything, that was for sure.

But that nagging idea remained, a flaw inside his brain worming its way deeper inside his thoughts.  
"...what if...what if Urie's afraid of some adverse effects?"

He couldn't possibly wait until next morning to know if his suspicions were right, so he anxiously browsed the Internet to find answers to his doubts.

That, however, did nothing to calm him down or reassure him of Urie's wellbeing.  
Mood disorders, aggressive behavior, hypertension, sudden cardiac death, testicular atrophy, infertility, kidney and liver damages, and finally...  
...feminization by development of breast tissue.

Suddenly Haise's mind reminded him of the strange and uncomfortable black tank top he had seen on Urie the previous morning.

And he remembered still how Shirazu had mentioned Mutsuki's intention to not take the top surgery anymore.

Toxic masculinity, misogyny, transphobia, body shaming...they were all falling down on him.  
All things Urie's stepfather had ingrained in the kid's brain for too many years.

...too many years indeed.

*

As expected, Doctor Shiba wasn't even in town the next day, the last Saturday of July.

And Haise had to go all around the hospital looking for someone able to tell him when he would come back...with no response whatsoever.

Monday morning too the old man seemed to have vanished from the world, and there was nothing Haise could do in order to find him.

...he had stressed over what to tell Doctor Shiba for the entirety of the day, to the point he had to rush to Arima's place because he had been too busy wasting his time thinking about that sneaky of a physician and his obvious attempt to make him go insane.

Once on the train, the young man had finally time to think about the actual problem at hand...and to catch his breath too as soon as he found a chair to sit on.

He couldn't possibly handle Urie's problem alone...not while he himself was in that condition, still with his throat sore and swollen from Saturday morning. Not with his right hand freezing up from the fingers to above the wrist. Not with his mind in that state, messier and messier the more he refused to sleep.

Recently, nightmares of "him" had begun creeping up in his sleep from the ears, reminding him of the horrible things he had felt in the dark...

...argh. He couldn't even think about that without shivering.

He shook his head, unaware of the people looking at him with confused looks.

In the heat of the moment, being late for his session and all, the young man had forgotten his phone and earphones, so he had no way to distract himself from the disgusting sensation of being watched by others.

With no music nor Internet to busy himself with, he almost... _almost_ wished to dissociate in order to get a little peace. But he disregarded that intrusive thought as quickly as it had appeared, determined to make some sense of the chaos his mind was currently dealing with...even if setting priorities recently didn't seemed to be his forte, judging by his questionable life choices.

Now that Akira had finally been able to obtain her maternity leave from the higher ups, Haise had to make a formal request to get his kids a new therapist for the next year or so...however, he had kind of forgot to do that.

He wasn't even quite sure about the all ordeal, since he didn't know if the program would have been still on the CCGS's list of priorities at the end of summer, let alone the end of the year. Furthermore, he had to make sure the person replacing Akira would have been informed about the kids' past and accomplishments, so that they could feel at ease with a professional willing to help them unconditionally.

His kids deserved the best, and nothing but.  
Saiko had let her eating disorder affect the way she led her life once again.  
Ginshi seemed to be under a lot of stress because of his insecurities regarding school and his future.  
Tooru had deprived himself of any hope to not be a burden for the entire family, and probably to help his boyfriend too...  
...since Urie was clearly spiraling down a too-well-known path of self-destruction, body-shame, and toxic masculinity on top of all.

They needed a therapist.  
Like...right now.

...maybe he could ask Arima to suggest him a name or something.

He wouldn't deny him that, right?

Haise wasn't sure about that, since he had only one hour a session and their time together was pretty packed already. But he could ask for a favor like that by the end of their meeting, so that his psychiatrist would be able to provide him with a nominative for their next appointment. Or maybe...the man could always call him on the phone, since ha had his number and all...

No, the young man had to stop thinking about calls in the middle of the night and a smooth, deep, raspy voice on the other side of the phone.

He rose from his chair on the train, approaching the end of the carriage in order to step down on the next stop.

Forcing himself to stop playing around with his fantasies, he tried to focus on his actual relationship with Arima, determined to keep his head down on Earth instead of letting his thoughts roam freely and without control.

Two times a week, one hour each, Monday and Friday, sometimes Monday and Wednesday.  
Not that much of a professional relationship to begin with, but hopefully enough for his healing process to kick in as soon as possible.

They had discussed...many things. Primarily basic stuff, such as talking about any strange symptoms Haise might have been able to notice in his behavior, or even finding some compromises on what he wanted to obtain during the therapy versus what Arima had in mind for him.

He had learned that, at the end of the second month of sessions, there would have been a choice for him to make, regarding the direction of the therapy in itself. If he were ever going to choose the behavioral path, Arima would have focused on fixing his self-harming tendencies in order for the young man to get back on with his life. On the other hand, a cognitive approach would have granted him the awareness he lacked in order to resolve the problem from the roots.

Before he could make such important decision, however, Haise had still a long way to go...weeks upon weeks of questions related to his mood swings and little pet peeves, let alone his intrusive thoughts and dissociative states.

His psychiatrist had managed to make him take some generic tests in order to have a more vast idea of what could be hiding behind the young man's insecurities and fears. And during those first sessions Haise had really thought there hadn't been anything complex about such activities...but then, near the middle of July, Arima had showed him what exactly had been wrong with the results of those exercises in honesty, revealing to him the terrible truth lurking underneath all of those seemingly innocent and innocuous multiple choice tests.

Apparently, he had the bad habit of...lying to himself.  
And in such fashion that even Arima had (politely, of course) questioned Haise's ability to recognize to have, indeed, a problem.

Not that the older man had been mocking him or mortifying his desire to get some help...he simply appeared skeptical about the possibility for the young man to have survived without even realizing his own condition until that point.

They had decided to approach a different method of inquiry, revolving around instinctual responses instead of reflective answers. Because Haise shouldn't be given the opportunity to think too much about the questions he was asked, so that his psychiatrist could somewhat avoid to invest most of the time trying to distinct his lies from the truth.

Although, admittedly, Arima had explained quite thoughtfully how he would have been able to notice if Haise were ever to lie to him...it was the young man himself that needed to recognize the need to tell the truth no matter what.

Even if Arima knew when he was lying, it was Haise who had to see the truth for himself.

...but there was still something that hadn't been discussed yet.

They never openly talked about the amnesia...thing.  
Arima had said they would focus on that in the future.

But sometimes Haise couldn't help himself from thinking that every single one of his symptoms could be the result of some sort of relapse. That it could be one of those PTSD forms to make it difficult for him to adjust to his life. However, it was true that in five years –after the first twelve months of confusion– he had never experienced so many troubles.

Sure, he had felt at loss, and he used to doubt in his abilities most of the time...but it had never escalated in such dramatic expressions of anger, mistrust, and even self-deprecating thoughts.

But Haise knew what was wrong with him...he had known since the beginning of March.

And he knew it so well, he doubted Arima could do anything to fix him at all.

*

He found himself walking down the dirt road with a gloomy attitude and pulsing anticipation.

The tall, unfathomable trees skirting the track were whispering gently in his ears, catching his attention to their highest branches. The sky framed by their silvery leaves was gray and threatening, but not less rich of color and warm in its yellowish undertones.

Quietly but gradually, rain began falling from the sky, and Haise contemplated staying under the pouring drops for a bit, because he had forgot his red umbrella and there was still a long way to go before approaching Arima's house.

The young man had already walked away from the construction crew tending the branches at the park entrance, their smiling faces still lingering in his mind, their voices greeting him and asking if he needed a umbrella before proceeding with his walk.

People were kind, contrary to his expectations.

He had stopped, less than a hundred meters from the house.

Its windows casting a warm and desirable light from the inside.

Haise looked at the house for a long time before remembering that he had a session to attend, and that his psychiatrist would certainly question why he had been under the rain for so long. But the thing was...that the young man didn't want to leave that spot on the dirt track, even if his slip-ons were soaked at his feet. Even if his small, despicable heart desired nothing but enter that house to be welcomed by Arima.

But that was the thing.  
Haise didn't want to be welcomed inside only to be greeted goodbye at the end of the session. 

And that, more than anything else, was a thought that the young man couldn't bare to hold in his mind, nor it was a feeling he was willing to keep in his aching chest. There was no way someone could grant that little and selfish desire, no deity or spirit would ever been able to satisfy such a possessive longing.

He had to accept the path he had chosen, he had to enter that house only to be guided to the door once again before nightfall.  
He had to do what was right, for his health, for the expectations he had been entrusted with.  
He had to walk toward that door, drenched, miserable, and so terribly alone...only to be shooed away in an hour or so.

Haise heaved a sigh of desperation, looking at the darkening sky with his eyes closed, in a pitiful attempt to cease the tears by determination alone. And he moved, treading on the remains of his needy heart, softly at fist and merciless at last, stomping on his feelings like he could drawn them into the puddles he was leaving behind his angry steps. And he continued to rush toward the entrance with a grim and heated expression on his face...

...until he found himself in front of Arima, who had opened the door right before Haise could ring the doorbell.

The young man was so baffled by the sight of the psychiatrist's face right above the top of his head, that he felt dizzy for what seemed an eternity...but in reality was a mere instant.

However, for as brief as it was, that span of time was enough for Arima to take him by the forearm and drag him inside. As soon as he was able to take off his shoes, Haise's head was covered with a huge fluffy towel by the older man...who had never left his side since his arrival, and that had probably been waiting for him to enter the whole time, with that warm cloth in hand for him to use once inside.

Haise felt so completely mortified by such possibility, that he kept fussing over his hair in order to dry it up as quickly as possible.

His cheeks red, his heart beating in his rib cage at impossible speed.  
There it went...his determination to be exclusively professional with the man.

«Miss Hogi had no session scheduled for today.», Arima said with a stern and disappointed expression, so cold it made his patient shiver in embarrassment and shame, «And I'm afraid you'll not be able to see Hairu today either, she's busy helping preparing a cake...of all things.», he concluded, leading the way toward his office, gesturing Haise to keep the towel when the young man tried to find a place where to put it back.

The young man followed the other shortly after, mulling over what his host had just told him while entering the office. Suddenly the place seemed a lot grayer and plainer that what he remembered, like the rain outside had drained the room of all its colors and textures, washing away it's very soul with the falling drops racing down the windows.

Arima too seemed more pensive...and angrier as well.  
Like he was disappointed in him even if he had found the courage to come back in order to heal...even if Haise had entered that house against his wishes.

«Is today someone's birthday?», the young man asked, bundled up in the towel on the armchair, trying to distract himself with some small talk.

«Actually it is.», he said, approaching his usual armchair with...with a small smile on his face, but a condescending one at that, like he was willing to ignore the tension between them in order to chat amiably with him, «A friend of ours is celebrating his thirty-eighth birthday, and his wife has asked Hairu to participate in the preparation for tonight's party.», he concluded, leisurely sitting down in front of Haise...seemingly at ease in his presence.

It was the first time his psychiatrist had ever shared something about his personal life, but it wasn't enough. Not in the slightest.

«...and...are you going to attend as well, Arima?», he finally asked, unable to refrain himself.

The man absentmindedly nodded, taking from the desk the usual notepad in his hands before regarding him with a stern and unwavering gaze.  
«As a matter of fact, I am...as soon as I'm done with you.», he answered in a monotone voice, sending shivers down Haise's spine...

...and, god forbid, making blood go straight to his neglected dick just by speaking like that.

And Haise knew, he knew he had to stop thinking about it. That those sessions were supposed to make his recovery faster for him to embrace. That Arima's intentions were only professional and that any sexual innuendo was only in his own head. But Haise had recently discovered he kind of liked being manhandled so efficiently by someone when he didn't want to be in charge.

That would have explained Nimura, Matsuri...and even Touka on too many levels.

That certainly explained Arima...oh it certainly did.

"Oh god...I'm so fucked.", was the young man's last thought before Arima reclaimed control of the situation, focusing entirely on the matter at hand.

And that was twisting his mind to drain him of all of his secrets...something that shouldn't have been enjoyable for Haise at all.  
But it actually was.

«Last time we have narrowed our search for clues to some particular semantic fields in our exercises on free association. Today will be working on some new words I have derived from our previous sessions. General and more simple terms, that will hopefully help us identify what I think could be the last few hurdles that are preventing us from understanding the principal characteristics of your condition.», the older man said, looking at some of his notes on the tablet on his overlapped knees.

And Haise couldn't believe he was actually experiencing an hard-on...just by hearing Arima talking to him all professional and shit.  
But here he was.  
Fidgeting in his seat in front of the scariest man he had ever met, who was now looking at him like he wanted to dissect his brain open to study him more thoughtfully. All the while his patient was considering other ways to...let the man inspect him in a more comfortable and bloodless manner.

«As always, today I'm going to ask you to hear me say some words, to which you'll answer with the first term that comes to your mind. I will, once again, monitor your responses while taking notes of the time of reaction from your part. And eventually, at the end, I will respond to any of your questions or doubts. Is everything's clear?», he concluded, exposing his wristwatch on his right hand by lifting his suit sleeve.

«S-sure...», came in a whisper from Haise's part, too overwhelmed by his pounding heart beat to concentrate on the conversation.

Arima nodded once, before fixing his cold eyes on him.  
«Let's begin, then.»

And the session began indeed.

*

«Window.»  
«...waiting.», Haise said, took by surprise.

«Sun.», Arima continued, writing down his response on the notepad...barely looking at the tablet.  
«Cover...covering.»

«Chair.»  
«...h-home.», the young man's tone unsure about his current association.

«Wig.»  
«...uhh.», he blanked out, panicking before saying: «Hidden.»

Arima rose an eyebrow at him, but then proceed like nothing happened.  
«Good.»  
«Boy.», Haise suddenly answered, feeling shame as soon as he understood what he had just said...

...but Arima didn't lose any more time, continuing with his mental list.  
«Bad.»  
«Bitch.»  
It took him a while to figure out what he had just said...for the second time in a row, but he had no way to get embarrassed over that.

For his psychiatrist was nowhere near as done with him as Haise would have wished.  
«Books.»  
«Home.»

«Touch.»  
«...m-miss.»

«Sex.», Arima said without even blinking at Haise's slightly bashful previous response.  
However, the young man would have never imagined to answer to that last input like he did.  
Hastily and harshly, he immediately said: «Bad.»  
And Arima took note of that as well.

«Father.»  
«...no.», even more angrily than before.

«Friends.»  
«Gone.», he spat out, feeling suddenly very cold in his feet and his body vaguely floating...like he didn't belong to that body anymore.

«Water.»  
«Burn.», was the only possible response. His knuckles cracking by his left side.

«Rabbit.»  
«...fear.», his teeth rattling, eyes boring holes into Arima's face.

«Pillow.»  
«Throat.», came in a growl, now that he was feeling the usual, oppressing weight that always came at some point during a session.

He lowered his head, heaving deep breaths while massaging his sternum, unable to find himself to care about making a show when he unbuttoned his collar.

But when he tried to grasp at the fist button, he got distracted by the sight of his left hand...because it didn't..he didn't feel like his own anymore.

A loud _snap!_ echoed through the room, effectively catching Haise's attention, but not at the point of scaring him.  
Arima had snapped his fingers to get him back from his dissociate state.

Right.  
They had talked about it...when was it?

Another _snap!_ , more subtle this time.

Right.  
They had talked about it during the previous session.

He had...he had to do something to shake himself out of that disquieting condition.

Another _snap!_ made him shiver from head to toe...this time closer to his ear, because it came from his own left hand. The tingling sensation on his thumb and middle finger was hopefully enough for him to get a hold on his body, that slight piercing pain reverberating through every bone inside of him.

...but he still had something to do.

Something he had discussed with Arima the last time...  
He lifted his head and looked at his psychiatrist, who was now watching him with guarded concern.

Haise made a gesture with his hand, silently telling him to continue with the session...assuring him he could drag himself out of this non-verbal behavior in no time. And he kept watching carefully Arima, for the young man didn't want him to be angry because of that unwelcome pause in the therapy.

After a while, the older man leaned once again to the armchair backseat, relaxing from the tension Haise had caused with his change of mood.

He retrieved his notepad, but this time he took the watch off from his wrist to hold it in his right hand instead.

«...red.», Arima spoke, not quite at loss, but certainly still on the edge.  
«Pill.», Haise responded, heaving a sigh now that he had returned to his body for good.

«Blue.»  
«Skin.»

«Small.»  
Argh...that was a difficult one to process.  
And too soon as well, mere seconds after his little crisis.  
«...d-dick.»

«Penis.», Arima said with a stoic and expressionless face.  
«Man.», Haise responded, somewhat taken aback.

«Woman.»  
«Pretty.»

«Love.»  
«...me.»

«Hate.»  
«Her.», he nearly scoffed, still too lightheaded to understand what he had just said.

Arima took his time in writing something on the tablet with the digital pen before getting back on his tracks.  
«Window.»  
«Waiting.»

Wait...haven't the word "window" been said already?

«Memory.»  
«Void.»

«Chair.»  
«Hurt...»

He was pretty sure he had already responded to that one too...

«Family.»  
«Touka.»

«Her.»  
«...m...», he didn't finished, for his mouth had suddenly shut itself down, and it was difficult for him to remember what he had wanted to say in the first place.

It felt too hot for his own good.  
He tried once again to unbutton his shirt, this time nailing it on the second try, and leaned back on the chair with his eyes closed. Trying to remember very hard how to breathe slowly, the way Arima had taught him a couple of sessions before. This time everything seemed too vivid, too piercing, too aglow...  
...he panted quietly to himself, tired but determined to finish that session with no more interruptions.

«School...», came from Arima's part, with a little uncertainty in his voice.  
Like he was pondering about something else.  
«...Akira.», the young man grimly said, trying not to think about it too much.  
Haise opened his eyes once again and tried with all his might to to what he had been asked for.

«Law.»  
«Unattainable.»  
Arima rose both of his eyebrows at that, somewhat impressed.

«Past.»  
«...sorrow.»

«Needle.», well, that was a strange one.  
«...catheter.», Haise confusedly answered, unable to understand why that word had come to his mind.

«Shower.»  
«...shame.»

«Germ.»  
«Kill.»

«Teeth.»  
«Clean.»

«Eye.»  
A sudden pang of pain hit him right in the forehead, making it hard for him to think anything but: «...wrong.»

«Blood.», Arima continued, entirely focused on his reactions.  
«Rotten.»

«Hair.»  
«Gone.»

«Wig.»  
«Free.»

Wait...now that sounded too familiar to be ignored...

«Touka.», echoed in the room, the most sweet and dearest name pronounced by the scariest and most beautiful person Haise had ever known.  
«Friend.», he said confidently, smiling slightly at the thought of her...

«Mother.»  
Wow. That caught him off guard.  
«...ha.», again...his mouth had shut itself from its own volition.

But this time he kind of knew why.

«...Haise.», was Arima's next word.  
But the young man was too far gone to appreciate that sweet sound coming from those stoic lips.  
«Dream.», he answered, somewhat saddened even though he didn't know why.

«Fear.»  
«Steps.»

«Steps.», his psychiatrist repeated, rising his head in a challenging gesture.  
«...her.»

«Her.», a new repetition, voiced with a firm tone and accompanied by an unforgiving gaze.  
«Mum.»

«Mother.», came like a mock to Haise's pounding ears, Arima's voice distorted by the heat seeping through the young man's brain folds.  
«...hate.»

«...who?», asked the older man, hurting him just by speaking.  
«...me.»

«You.», concluded Arima, forcing him to stare in the abyss hidden behind his spectacles.  
Forcing them to reveal themselves once and for all.  
«Dead.», finally came out in a hiss...so foreign it didn't actually sound like Haise at all.

*

Right after he had responded to the last prompt, Haise had rose from his armchair and begun swaying aimlessly in the direction of the door, to his left.

«Sasaki, is everythi...?»

«Stop.», he pleaded, shaking his head and pulling at his hair with the left hand. «No more...please...»

«Are you okay...Sasaki?», Arima tried once again, rising slowly from his chair as well...a blurry image painted at the end of the black tunnel.

«No...stop...please, I can't...I don't...», Haise mumbled incoherently, swaying his way to the door, his head too hot to function.

Pulsing ears could sense nothing but piercing silence, and his wobbly legs made him crush onto the ground.

Everything went dark, in its scolding hot oblivion.

Nothing could be heard, a part from...

...someone calling his name.

*

A cold hand on their forehead, a gentle brush of a welcoming touch.

The moment they regained their senses for the first time, they knew what happiness was.

Fingers on their closed eyes, shielding them from the thunderous world.

Caressing their head softly in their icy and ghastly consistency.

It was too brief for them to enjoy...but it was there nonetheless.

*

A voice speaking from outside the room, a quiet whisper of a familiar tone.

The instant they woke up for the second time, they understood what had happened to them.

«Yes, I'm sorry...I'm going to wait here for the doctor to arrive. Tell Taishi and Aki I'm sorry.»

A distant chuckle, echoing through the empty caves of their feverish brain.

«...please, Hairu. There's nothing to laugh about it.»

*

A blue comforter right on top of him, a vibrant stroke of color painting his world anew.

The second he opened his eyes for the third time, he remembered what sadness had always been.

Lightnings coming from the window nearby, foreshadowing what thunders soon would tell.

Leafy branches rattling on the glass, like crooked fingers on a classroom blackboard.

He felt alone and miserable...abandoned by everyone to fend for himself.

*

A irony stick on his tongue, a disgusting sensation from a foreign object inside his mouth.

The minute he felt like emerging from the shadows the fourth time, he wanted to puke from the nausea.

«...he's going to be fine. But I would advise against moving him around too much.»

«Thank you for your hard work, Shiba. I'm sorry for the trouble.»

He was nothing but a burden then. A good enough reason to puke his heart out.

*

A smell so good it made him salivate, a spring of cottony warmth and savory scent right in his face.

The last time he emerged from hell, he was sure he'd ascended to heaven.

«...you're covered in sweat. I need to change your sheets at least.»

He clutched at Arima's shoulders for as much as he could.

Falling asleep and dreaming of never waking up away from him.

*

When morning came to announce the beginning of a new day, the sun didn't even try to show up to give the good example, hiding away behind thick clouds.

And the rain did nothing but beat up those poor windows, too noisy to be welcomed by Haise's pulsing ears.

Everything hurt: his back, shoulders, joints...even opening his eyes was cause of pain for him.

However, when he heard footsteps to his right, there would have been very few things to make him look away from the door, and the fever was not one of them. For as tired as he was, Haise could distinguish Arima's features in the dark with such precision that he had to question his heightened sensibility.

The older man approached the bed with slow and careful steps, with his eyes focused somewhere near Haise's head, without meeting his eyes. He stopped a couple of inches from the mattress, closing his eyes for a brief yet interminable moment...pondering, or maybe...listening.

Then, everything appended very quickly.

Arima walked over the bed and sit down near Haise's right hand, startling the young man to the point of making him hold his breath. But when he tried to talk to his host, his psychiatrist hushed him with a quiet _shh_ while taking his unmoving arm in his hands to shift it away from Haise's body.

Then, a sudden sensation hit the young man from under his armpit when a cold and slim object was put right underneath his right arm. He shivered from head to toe, immediately reminded of those terrible things he had felt in the dark so many years ago. But after a while his mind caught up on him, giving him the room to understand what Arima had just done by putting a thermometer in between his heating body and lifeless arm.

He relaxed under the older man's touch, marveling at the pressure he was using to keep that right arm from moving around too much and making the thermometer slide from its position in the process. Arima's left hand was so cold on top of Haise's shirt it made the young man feel somewhat refreshed, just by dwelling in that static perception of physical contact.

Arima's right hand was placed nearby Haise's left shoulder and was currently sustaining the older man's weight on top of his patient, inadvertently trapping Haise underneath him.

However, when Haise followed that right hand with longing eyes, up up until he could see Arima's face above his own, the older man wasn't looking at him.  
He kept his eyes focused on the wall in front of him, on top of the headboard of the bed.

It was clear he didn't want to be there.  
It was clear he didn't want to care for him.

After five or so minutes, Arima took the thermometer in his right hand and inspected the level of mercury inside.

Without any warning, he then rose from the bed and disappeared in what Haise believed was the bathroom, which door was right next to the bed.

Listening to the water flowing in the drain with clouded eyes and a heavy heart, the young man could imagine that sound mixing with the one coming from outside, where the pouring rain was washing down the full-height glazing that covered two of the four walls.

And he preferred to focus on that particular noise, instead of imagining Arima furiously washing his hands in the sink, disgusted after touching one of his patients' sweating and stinking bo...

Something wet suddenly covered his burning lids, effectively stopping Haise's hurtful train of thoughts. When he tried to lift his left hand in order to touch the cloth covering his face, Arima gingerly grasped his wrist, keeping it from moving.

«Sleep.», he ordered, whispering near the young man's right ear, «The fever is still too high for you. Sleep and try to rest.»

If Arima noticed the single tear rolling down Haise's cheek after that, he didn't mention it.

And Haise fell asleep with nothing but glee in his chest.

*

As always, he dreamed of the dark room and the centipedes and bugs crawling on his feet.

But when he escaped from the nightmare he couldn't believe to have awoken in a dream.

...but the lingering smell on the pillow soon faded away, reminding Haise that, even if he was in Arima's home, he was not meant to stay there.

Nor was he meant to breathe in the older man's fragrance with a pleased smile on his face.

 _You are nothing to him._  
"...yeah, you're right."

He slowly sat up, rising his torso only a bit by balancing himself on shaky elbows, looking around the dimly lit room he had slept in. Rain hadn't stopped beating up the windows, and the curtains weren't enough of a barrier to chase that rattling sound away.

It felt...repetitive. That was the only word that came to his mind.

Looking around in search for clues, Haise found a white post-it on the bedside table at his right. He took his time in turning the light on, flinching away from the yellowish glint radiating from the bedside lamp.

Nearby the small piece of paper were a pill and a glass of water, and he considered to gulp down the latter but took the first instead without reading the note as he was supposed to do. He quietly drank after putting the post-it on the covers above his lap, looking in displeasure at his left hand trembling under the weight of the glass he was holding before putting it back on the bedside table.

It said: "Do not move, take your medicine."  
It wasn't signed, nor there was any indication of Arima's return...and it was pretty unsettling, to say the least.

Laying down once again, with the post-it still in hand, Haise hid the note under the pillow in a vague but conscious attempt to protect it from Arima's eventual intention to throw it away.

Absentmindedly, and with little to no comfort at that, he looked toward the nearest curtain in order to get a glance at the window throw the thin crack between the dark gray cloth and the wall.

A sudden urge to break the glass hit him so hard it made him dizzy.

He felt caged and unwelcome at the same time, like a guest imposing their presence to their host beyond what would have been socially acceptable.

And yet...he didn't want to go home. Even if Arima wasn't nowhere in sight and certainly not interested in him at the point to keep him company.

But when he thought about his kids, all alone in the Chateau, worrying for his well-being...  
...he should have been sorry for them, or at least feel some remorse for what had happened.

However, he found to have no regret to spare, or guilt to feel, or mercy to give.

He was perfectly content laying there, under warm covers in the middle of a storm, away from his responsibilities, safe inside the house of a man who didn't want him back. And not a thought was devoted to his selfishness and clinginess...he wasn't remorseful for what he was feeling in Arima's home.

And that absence of guilt was already disgusting in itself, another justification for Haise's self-deprecation.

Another hammer to beat himself up with.

*

«Sasaki.», a voice called, as if to wake them up.

There was no need to, though.  
They weren't sleeping.

«Sasaki, you're dissociating. You've become non-verbal.», the voice continued, spoke by the person in front of them, «Sasaki, I'm Arima, your psychiatrist. You're at my house right now, it's Wednesday the third of August. It's half past midday.», the...man...right, the man kept on saying, slowly waving a hand in front of...<em>their</em> eyes. Theirs. Hers.

Right. Her eyes.

«Sasaki, can you hear me? Can you see me?», Arima whispered, crouched down next to her on the ground...where she was haphazardly sitting with her forehead on the cool glass of the window. «Do you remember getting down here?», the older man asked, his hands lightly touching her right shoulder, as in fear of scaring her.

She frowned, trying hard to remember how indeed she had been able to slither away from the warm sheets...to reach the window of all things.

Yeah...somewhat she did. She had been lonely, all she wanted was to...to see him coming back...

«...I wanted...to...to...see you home.», she truthfully said, having a hard time focusing her gaze on him.

Arima didn't visibly react to that, simply staring back at her with a little frown on his face. His white shirt crisp under the faint light coming from the glazings, his skin opaque in comparison with it. Black strands on his nape peeking through the white hair of that man...who appeared too young to have already gone gray. He couldn't possibly be older than thirty-three, and yet a few wrinkles adorned his face underneath the eyes, making him look tired.

Too exhausted to feel anything anymore.

«Can I call you Sasaki?», Arima suddenly asked, careful with his words as if he was trying to approach a caged and scared animal.

She confusedly lowered her gaze, unable to look at him in the eyes, flustered but uncomfortable above anything else.  
«...what are you talking about? You've always called me by my last name.»

He silently watched her closely, making her tremble under such intimate scrutiny.  
«...you're right. Sorry that was weird of me to ask.», he apologized in a deep sigh, but didn't wave his hand dismissively, he simply...hold her arm a little tighter that before, «Would you like to stand up? So we can talk in a more comfortable position?», he continued, motioning his intention to stand up, but determined to let her have a say in that first.

He waited for her response, but she actually didn't know what to choose, because the glass was refreshing on her hot skin, but her legs were tired after hiding behind the curtain for so long.

Suddenly, but not enough to made her flinch away, a soft quilt was dropped all around her body, from shoulder to toes: it was the blue one she had seen before, the one that was laying on the bed only moments prior Arima's arrival. She instinctively moved toward the warm sensation, vaguely aware of the fact that Arima had voiced his intention to lift her up.

Nodding quietly on his shoulder, she let him take her to bed, secretly inhaling his savory scent without him noticing.

He didn't put her to bed immediately, bundling her up even more tightly in the blanket and making her seat on a armchair in a corner, a piece of furniture she had never noticed until then. She watched him with curious eyes while he took some new sheets from the drawer underneath the mattress to change the old ones. Arima was quick with his movements, and soon after he came back to get her.

She insisted to walk, unwilling to be a burden for his host once again, but he sustained her close to his body, leading the way to the newly made bed.

Then, something changed.

A shift, in between her legs.

She looked down her torso, flat as always, her body dressed in the same sweaty clothes she had worn to meet with the older man.  
A navy blue short sleeved button down and...loose khaki shorts.

While Arima instructed her to sit by the headboard, covering her legs with the blue quilt over the new sheets, she understood what had actually happened.

"Right...I forgot."  
«...I am a man, right?», she quietly asked, ashamed, petrified by disgust toward herself.

How had she tricked herself into thinking that everything was fine?  
How had she been so stupid to feel at ease in that...in that body...in that...in that...

 _...dumpster, you mean?_ , the usual voice mocked, snarling behind her hot and prickling eyeballs.

...and she was already going to pull at her hair in frustration, when Arima's took her left hand in his right one.

«Do you feel like one right now?», he gently asked, stroking the back of her hand with featherlight touches.

She had no response for him, staring bleakly at her lap covered in soft sheets.

«Would you like me to leave you alone?»  
She remembered her name in that very moment, and rose her head to meet Arima's gaze.

Haise shook her head and smiled apologetically.

«Lay down...try to sleep.», the older man ordered, guiding her down on the bed, «I'll stay until you're finally asleep.»

Promises. Empty...heartless words.

But sweet nonetheless.

*

As a matter of fact, sleep didn't come to soothe such restless mind.

After a brief but flimsy nap, grey eyes blinked away any trace of oblivion, disclosing reality once again. And gradually, but steadily, during the course of the afternoon Haise spontaneously shifted from a sensation toward another, experiencing all the hues and various changes of mindset while looking at the ceiling.

It escalated to the point where mentally referring to their identity with masculine or feminine pronouns didn't matter anymore...until Haise finally found <em>himself</em> comfortably using the first ones in order to dismiss his anxiety over adopting the others.

He had never quite faced such insecurities without wearing his Sasako-persona, this constant state of...<em>adjusting</em> to his own sensations instead of suffering to realize other people's expectations.

He had never considered feeling like a girl...while being simply Haise.

Just Haise, woman in her own skin and without the need to be called Sasako to feel validated in that feeling.

But right now...argh...it was all too frustrating and confusing to think about. So much that he scratched his head multiple times before deciding it was a waste of time on his part: he couldn't possibly have an existential crisis in Arima's guest room, could he?!

Furthermore, his host would surely appear once again to check on him.  
The young man bit on his lower lip at the thought, marveling in the idea to be somewhat worth enough for the man to care for him. A hopeful, dangerous, impossible smile crept its way on his face, and he pressed those lips together hard to suppress a giggle. Shaking his head, he made his way out of the bed, feeling sticky and smelly after so many days of dwelling in his old clothes.

But as soon as he stood up his legs failed to sustain him, and he crashed to the ground in a surprised yelp. His sight covered in black holes, like a negative exposed for too much time to the light.

Someone rushed inside, getting him back on his feet in no time...and, soon after, Arima's face appeared in front of him.

He didn't have his spectacles on, as if he had forgotten to take them to get there that fast.

And even if Haise was still confused and sore after the fall, the young man couldn't help himself from smiling.

«...hi.», he excitedly said, a bit out of breath but loud enough to be more than a whisper.

Arima blinked a couple of times before greeting him back, sternly at that...like he had been caught off guard.  
«Sasaki.», the older man exhaled, slowly shaking his head in disbelief, «...next time call me before wandering around all on your own.»

«Ah...I...I'm sorry, I just wanted to wash my face a bit.», he truthfully explained, getting up easily now that Arima was holding him by the arms.

As soon as his host heard him say that, the older man frowned deeply and looked to the bathroom door where Haise had been pointing his steps. He said hen looked back at the younger man and seemed to consider something...before making him leave the bedroom entirely.

Right outside the guest bedroom, another white wall was covered in shelves upon shelves of books, a part from a door in the right corner of Haise's vision field. On the left there was a large window that reached the ceiling, as any other glazing in that house, while on the right a long hallway led to the stairs for the floor underneath.

Initially, Arima guided him toward those stairs and Haise thought for a moment that they were going to descend them...but the psychiatrist opened a door to the left, urging the young man to get inside another room.

Haise had no time to process what was happening to him that, as soon as he stepped into the new space, he was dragged into yet another room, to his left once again. An adjoining bathroom showed itself to him in all its polished beauty: with a waterfall shower on the left; toilet, wall mirror and underlying sink on the front; floor to ceiling window on the right, with an unusual view of the front garden; and...a huge marble bathtub in the middle of the room, with a skylight illuminating it from up above.

Suddenly the light were switched on, and the glazing on the right became opaque and impossible to see through. Haise looked back at his host with a mild concern on his face, but the older man simply led the way toward the center of the room and gestured him to sit down on the floor. The young man did as he had been told, leaning back his stiff shoulders on the tub, letting the cold sensation of the marble spread through his skin under the button down.

The short trip to the bath had exhausted him more than he would have thought, and his head was pulsing painfully because of his blood pressure.

«I don't want you to suddenly fall while standing in the shower of the guest room bath, so you can wash yourself here.», Arima quietly explained while retrieving some things from the cupboard underneath the sink, rummaging through bottoms of shampoo and soap while sitting on his heels and balancing on the toes, «There's no need for you to shower beforehand or to rinse before entering the bathtub.», he continued, still faced away from Haise...

...who had to admit to have been entrusted with quite the view from where he had chose to sit down.

He forced himself to look away from <em>his fucking psychiatrist</em> glorious ass before the man could sense his discomfort.

Fortunately, the headache was intense enough to make him refrain from fantasizing too much about it, and he lowered his head while waiting for the man to come back. But when the older man did, the sudden proximity of his host startled Haise, convincing him that dozing off would have been dangerous if he were to be left alone. He rose his eyes in search of responses from the other man, but received only some instructions instead.

The man was crouching down to his level, watching him closely as if wanting to test his ability to resist through a bath in those pitiful conditions.

«Sit down inside the tub and take off your clothes. Then fill the tub and wait until it's half full.», he ordered, putting various containers and a sponge on the closest corner of the tub, wide enough for the bottles to stand without falling down.

However, when Haise tried to stand once again, the older man made him sit on the edge of the tub before helping him lowering himself down inside of it. His host then sat down behind Haise's while leaning his shoulders back on the exterior of the tub.

«I'll be here with my eyes closed, but I can leave if you want me to.», he explained as a matter of fact, closing his eyes.

But Haise's lack of response was probably enough for the older man to understand his discomfort at the prompt...so he elaborated.

«...you haven't eaten in two days. You could drown.»  
And that was it.

No other words were wasted on reassuring the young man that no attempt to taint his reputation would be made by his psychiatrist's hands.

"...quite unfortunately at that, that is."

«Ah...ah...is that so?», he said with an incredulous tone, unable to understand that man's intentions at all.

«I fell asleep a couple of times in here.», Arima suddenly revealed, probably thinking out loud, «And there wouldn't have been anyone to help me if I were to drown.», he suggestively considered, making the young man reconsider his initial reaction to what his psychiatrist had suggested.

He thought about taking his clothes off while being so close with the man, but nothing came to him mind a part from a sudden and fierce need to...well, to clean himself up a little bit. He really needed that bath right now, so much it didn't even bothered him the idea of dwelling in his very own dead skin if that meant feeling a little less smelly and oily afterwards.

Haise was surprised by how...non-sexual the entire situation was.

Someone would think that taking a bath with their crush in the same room would escalate in some pretty hot scenarios and stuff. But the reality of it all was that Haise felt disgusting and sticky and he really needed to wash himself. And he was afraid of dozing off or even fall asleep, as Arima had told him.

But Arima wasn't looking at him with lavish eyes or dangerous thoughts, and he was probably shutting out all the sounds of rustling clothes and quiet breaths from Haise's part.

The man wasn't...wasn't even breathing, judging by what his patient could sense from behind his shoulders.

Even when he found himself completely naked and he let the water flow...the young man didn't felt like a piece of meat at all.

His bony arms and legs didn't affect him so much, even in the transparent water, and scratching away the dirt from his body wasn't that much of a struggle for him to bear. And it was so...refreshing and relieving to be so comfortable around someone else.

It was different from when he had spent his afternoons with Touka, their clothes discarded around her tiny apartment, lingering effects of their orgasm still in the air, laughter echoing through their touching rib cages. No, it was much more lonelier and tender at the same time, an easy silence between two people, heartbeat rushing but in a comforting way...but they were so distant from each other, so fragile the barrier they had built from one another, so vast the abyss between them. And yet, there was no need to overstep those boundaries, no urgency to change their delicate balance.

Haise just needed to be right there, so close and so far from Arima at the same time, to be at ease with himself.

...he was content that way.  
Imagining a warmth coming from behind his back, seeping through the tub from where Arima was leaning down, instead of focusing on the water surrounding him with its impalpable and feeble texture.

He looked around, watching Arima carefully enough for him to be discreet, noticing how the older man had actually closed his eyelids in order to make his patient feel safe. But when he laid his eyes on the man's shoulders, he could have sworn that he was...shaking. His ears and jaws and eyebrows were twitching, and an absolute look of concentration was painted on his features. It was like...like something was upsetting him greatly.

However, when Haise felt the water reaching his shoulders and rushed to close the tap, a sigh of relief made its way to the young man's ears, making him turn back once again to look at his host...now considerably less stiff and tensed then what he used to be.

The only sound coming in between them was the rain hitting the window above the bathtub, so loud it caught Haise's attention for a while. He considered asking Arima how would he clean those skylights during the year, as a way to initiate some small talk...but it felt too vague and inadequate to the situation.

Looking up with his head reclining back on the tub edge, the young man watched the rain crashing down without reaching them.

It was so peaceful and silent, he didn't want to ruin everything with the sound of his voice.  
...but he had to.

«...is this normal to you?», he asked Arima, turning his head slightly on the right to watch his reaction.

«What do you mean?», he tiredly questioned, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his left hand, «Should I leave, after all?»

«Oh no! No it...I didn't mean it like that.», Haise insisted, startled by the way the man had misunderstood his intentions, but not enough to move around in the bathtub...sensing that Arima wouldn't like the sound of the overflowing water for some strange reason.

He settled then for something else, quieting down to the point of staring bleakly at the ceiling in fear of scaring the man away.

«Isn't this...too personal for a doctor-patient relationship?»

Arima response came slowly, like he needed to process what he had just been told, «I'm in charge of taking care of you right now, and I let you fall before because I wasn't there.», he didn't give Haise the time to feel guilty for that, continuing to talk like nothing happened,

«My previous secretary once told me I'm unable to behave like a normal human being most of the time. I should probably be preoccupied with such unusual situation, but I'm not.»

«You...you aren't?», Haise stuttered, trying to figure out if the man had been lying to him from his tone or his features.

But when he turned around to look at him...nothing could be seen on his face a part from a grim expression.

As if he knew a secret he couldn't possibly tell anyone else in the world.

«Everything is going to be fine, exactly because I am different than other human beings most of the time, Sasaki.»

Marveling at the sight of that peaceful but sorrowful face, Haise decided to turn away from the man once and for all.  
...sensing his ears becoming hotter by the minute already.

«It's unfair that you know so much about me...but I don't know anything about you, Arima.»

«We established this since the beginning, remember? I'm not supposed to disclose my personal life to you.»

«...but, as you told me, this is an <em>unusual</em> situation. So the rules can be avoided for once...»

«Is a habit of yours to adopt such a behavior, Sasaki?»

«...what...what kind of attitude are you referring to?»

«The cheeky one, of course.»

Haise chucked out of glee at hearing Arima refer to him as "cheeky", of all things, but a sudden tension between them dropped as soon as the older man spoke once again, revealing all his concern in a single but determined question.

«What do you want to know then?»

And the young man would have wanted nothing more than ask him about that morning in the bookstore, asking him if he remembered their first encounter in front of a poetry book. He would have loved to talk about Hakushuu's works, and maybe even about other subjects as well if Arima preferred to focus their attention on other kinds of things. All of those books in his house, all of that knowledge, all of those beautiful words describing infinite universes...  
...surely his host would grant him a little insight into his mind, right?

But the man seemed tensed enough at the thought of addressing those private informations with a mere patient of his...and this saddened Haise greatly.

For he had to decide if he wanted to force Arima to share something he wasn't willing to actually disclose to him.

Or if he could refrain himself from caring too much all at once.

As if he were to suddenly close a door leading to a garden that wasn't his to walk in.  
As if he were to only imagine the beautiful roses hidden in its flowerbeds...instead of picking them up for himself.

«Tell me about your most difficult cases.», he finally said, sacrificing his own curiosity in order to not overstep the line between them.

«...you know I shouldn't tell you such things.», Arima actually scolded him, probably afraid because of some confidentiality agreement he had signed in the past...but Haise was having none of it.

«Only this time.»

«Sasaki...»

«Please.»

He didn't want to beg for him to realize his selfish desire.

He just wanted to listen to him talk about his job, something Arima seemed to care about deeply, and that would have been enough.

If he couldn't have anything else from him, at least he wanted to hear him describe something he was very passionate about.

That would have been enough for Haise to treasure...enough for him to understand the depth of Arima's compassion.

«Well then, I will tell you one case...for each one of your kids.», Arima finally allowed, probably unaware of Haise's sorrowful train of thoughts but willing enough for him to have his way. Even though his last sentence made no sense whatsoever.

«...what?», the young man confusedly asked.

«If you talk to me about your kids, I will respond with a difficult case and so on.»

«...that's kinda mean, Arima.»

«How so?»

«I thought you were going to spare me from a session today...»

Arima said nothing in response to Haise's joke, but the young man didn't dare to look back to see if he was smiling...or not. So he thought about how to approach the subject of the kids instead, quietly and silently rocking back and forth in the tub with his chin propped on the knees.

«Saiko is...pretty.», he began, mindlessly at that but focused nonetheless, «And I don't feel comfortable with her many suitors being so desperate for her attention...it's not a possessive thought, but more like a sudden and imposing concern from my part. Her eating disorders are back, and I'm not the best role model for her...since I have my fair share of those myself.», he continued, looking down at his exposed rib cage to see the bones showing from under the excess of skin, «But she's trying to enjoy music once again, and it's like she's trying to take back what her mother took away from her so long ago...I'm proud of her.»

Those last words echoed in his mind for a while, reminding him of how wonderful was to hug his daughter and share a good laugh with her.

The thought made him smile, even if it wasn't enough to shake him out of that lingering sadness he was experiencing.

Haise waited for the older man to talk, still with his eyes pointed downwards to his body.

«Some time ago a young man with eating disorders came to me asking to get some help...but not for what you would imagine.», Arima began, somewhat with a daring tone in his voice and a challenging attitude leading his words, «He had completely forgot how to speak his mother language and was only able to speak through German, French, or even Italian. But he wasn't able to remember a single word in Japanese, nor was he able to understand his father speaking...and this young man's family was greatly suffering because of this.»

This caught Haise off guard, forcing him to imagine what it would have been like forgetting how to speak or understand his fist language. How would that even happen, all of a sudden or a gradual change instead? It was certainly a good exercise in reasoning, but with so few clues there was no way for him to understand. Nor it seemed fair to speculate about someone else's life without even knowing them.

«He had lost someone important to him, but didn't get the chance to mourn them as he would have needed to.», Arima quietly explained, perhaps sensing Haise's doubts about what he had been told, «He had completely forgotten about his friend as well, and by remembering them this man he was able to began speaking and writing Japanese once again.»

...that sounded incredible.

Had Arima been able to help such a desperate man for real?  
Maybe then...maybe there was still hope even for him, and that single thought was able to bring back a minuscule smile on Haise's lips.

«Ginshi is not interested in relationships, and I think he's studying so much also because he doesn't want to feel all that peer pressure while hanging out with his classmates.», he suddenly (and quite excitedly too) spoke, rushing the words out of his mouth while closing his eyelids, breathing evenly through the nose, «He spends a lot of time with his sister Haru in the CCGS clinic, near the hospital. She's safe now, but the government is taking care of her since they have no parents. But my kid feels responsible for her and would love to adopt her as soon as she would be old enough to get into the program for peculiar children. So a couple of years or so.»

Every time he thought about the Shirazus he couldn't help himself from thinking how similar they were, so energetic and full of life...while Saiko had been always perceived as lazy and lethargic in the past because of her insecurities and undiagnosed depression.

«Both Saiko and Ginshi are so close, but they are self-conscious about their low grades and general attitude towards society. Saiko's agoraphobia is on and off as soon as something changes in her perception of reality, while Ginshi thinks he doesn't deserve anything for himself until everyone else is happy.», he concluded, feeling guilty for his kids even though he wasn't responsible for their past life to have been so harsh on them.

There was a brief pause, washed away by the tickling sound of the rain coming from above and from the glazing in front of Haise, in the right corner of the room.

Then, while a distant thunder growled somewhere over the glass, Arima shifted a bit from his previous position, probably uncomfortable after sitting on the floor for so long. And the young man feared to be left alone, but his host simply leaned back his nape on the edge of the tub, catching Haise's attention.

Eyes still closed, long bangs parting messily on his forehead...the image of tranquility and concentration.  
Nothing more beautiful could be seen during such a persistent rainfall.

«...there was this patient, some years ago. An undercover agent who had lost himself so much on duty he had a difficult time figuring out what reality was.», he said, remembering times long forgotten, or maybe days he had simply choose to hide within his mind, «It took me nearly one year to give him the peace of mind he needed to survive...but there where a lot of unresolved issues even if in the end I decided to stop visiting him. I was young, and that was a very difficult case...I was too preoccupied with making mistakes instead of caring for the person in front of me, as I was supposed to do. So I let him go, but it was difficult for me to detach myself from the case in itself.»

That sounded sad, to say the least.

Akira's husband had been working as an investigator before becoming a consultant for the police soon after he had lost the ability to move his legs. He never talked about his past missions, nor did he tried to explain what it was like to work undercover for so many years. Haise himself had only dared to ask once, when his guardian and Kotarou were still dating back in the day...but the man had refused to respond, going rigid all of a sudden on his wheelchair.

Afterwards, Akira had explained to him that Amon had lost many people during his last mission, and that he had felt guilty for surviving them.

Since then, the young man had always avoided approaching the subject, and even insisted with his kids to not bother the man in regards of his past.  
He couldn't even begin to fathom how painful it must have been for that agent to lose track of reality.

Much to less trying to imagine how difficult it certainly had been for Arima treating him.

"...is he...is he going to abandon me as well?", he sadly considered, burying his face in between the knees.

«...Urie's real father was a firefighter, and died when the boy was very small.», he spoke with slow and careful words, painfully aware of how silent Arima had become in order to listen to him, «His mother married once more, but her new husband neglected her, leaving her to fend for herself and the kid. Sometimes, when he was back in town, he would beat up Urie and pressured him into thinking that a real man was a man who fights with his fists...and I...», he interrupted himself, shaking his head in discomfort before proceeding, «And I took away my son's only chance to flee from this place. From this Country that reminds him so much of his stepfather...I took away everything from him...and now...he's on drugs to enhance his strength. He's scared and angry. And I don't know what to do anymore...»

There. He said it.

Maybe Arima would do something about it, perhaps he would make it just...go away.

However, Haise wasn't able to picture the man meddling with someone else's business in such a way. And yet again, the young man was nothing to him, if not a patient: Arima wasn't supposed to solve every single problem in his life, but instead it was his duty to help him face life in a different way.

He had just told him how he had failed to treat correctly a patient in his past...he wasn't powerful and almighty, he wasn't a benevolent god sending blessings left and right to whoever asked for fortune and luck.

And Haise somewhat feared what the alternative could be.

«My first was a woman. Personality disorder.», Arima continued, listing yet another difficult case, probably conscious of the fact that Haise didn't want to dwell on the previous topic at all, «She was a fierce and kind being...whose substance abuse spiraled out of control once her parents died in a car accident in her youth. After marrying she was able to find some other way to deal with her grief, but a couple of times she relapsed, until her family decided to seek medical treatment for a prolonged period twelve years ago. She was in and out of a clinic, and always needed a signed permit to leave the facility...but at the time I was just a substitute for her psychiatrist, even though I had assisted her as well during my training.»

His voice had grown tired and empty.

His breaths short and ragged, painful to hear and even more to see.

«There was no way to contact him...he had the tendency to disappear every once in a while. And I was only twenty-eight, it wasn't right for me to be alone in such a situation, but at the time I proceeded as I deemed more appropriate. So I had to make the decision when the time to let her free came. One of her brothers had died and she wanted to attend the funeral...I gave my permission for one day leave. It's been ten years since then.»

Haise had always been aware of Arima's dislike for talking, even if he wasn't sure why.

Any time the older man spoke to explain something, he always did it in excruciating detail...like he honestly wanted to convey something in the most complete way, but lacked the energy to do so. It was clear he was passionate about his work, but talking tired him to no end.

And Haise could see this especially now, looking at Arima's pale face with concern and guilt.

«She overdosed that very night, and died at thirty-five before her husband could even wake up near her. There must have been a secret stash, hidden somewhere in her home. She left two kids because she was suffering too much and I wasn't experienced enough to understand that.», he continued, opening his eyes on the present, without even glancing at Haise from the right corner of his field of vision.

A determined look on his face, cold and sharp like a cutting dagger thrown to kill.  
«But after that, I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone of my patients die.», he concluded, closing his eyes once again and leaning back the back of his head on the tub, somewhat relieved in his features but still tense in his posture.

This time Haise didn't looked away, and spoke earnestly not to compete with Arima's story but to share a common insecurity.

A secret no one had ever heard of...and it has always been his to keep.

«...I took Tooru with me even if Akira thought it was a bad idea.», he revealed, watching carefully Arima's reaction before going on.  
There was none, hi breaths even, his features unfazed.

And so...Haise told him the truth.  
All of it.  
And nothing but.

«...he had accidentally killed his father when he was ten, even though it was for self defense.», he admitted, looking at Arima slowly opening his eyes at the revelation, watching the older man tuning in his direction ever so slightly. But Haise didn't averted his gaze...

...not even when his heart began to clench painfully in his chest at the thought of his younger son.

«His mother and brother didn't want to have anything to do with him afterwards, they abandoned him soon after the investigation had been put to an hold.», he continued, only able to think about his first encounter with the kid...in Fuchu Prisons, when the boy was only fifteen.

He had been so accustomed to pain and neglect, with no friends or people to trust, and Haise had began to pressure the program for peculiar children to consider him as a candidate as soon as he had known of his condition. At the time, Urie had already begun living with him, but since Akira had told him about that patient of hers in prison...he just had to meet him.  
And they did, every week for two and a half years.

In the meanwhile, Ginshi and Saiko had come along, but Tooru grew stronger and more affectionate toward Haise during the years. And finally the CCGS saw the potential in him, and his beautiful green eyes begun lighting up at any mention of a future outside of the training school he had lived in for so long.

Haise had kept that secret for so long as well...it felt good to finally talk about it with someone. It felt extremely difficult too, contrary to his expectations.

«Tooru and I discussed over this a couple of years ago...he didn't want the others to know he had been in a facility for juvenile crimes for seven years. So we told them he was an orphan and that his caretakers had abused him by not acknowledging his gender identity, and that said old couple had took him in only for the money the government was giving them.»

Arima's full attention was on him, but even then he didn't lowered his eyes.  
Too engrossed in that vision of a not so distant past, still so vivid and yet so dull.

«In reality...it had been his father, back in the day, who had insisted for Tooru to dress a certain way or to act in character as if he was a girl. His mother knew all along but did nothing to help him, probably scared of her husband. I never actually asked Tooru if the man had abused him sexually, nor Akira, his psychologist, had ever disclosed anything to me...but it's implied, in my opinion.»

Only then Haise closed his eyes, lowering his forehead on the bathtub edge, crouched in the opposite direction of the glazings, with his back exposed and the knees leaning on the marble surface underneath where his head was resting.

He did it.  
He was finally free of that burden.

«How horrifying...», Haise chuckled, with no trace of glee in his voice, looking at his right hand below the water surface, hidden between his legs.

«...horrifying?», Arima quietly asked, his tone emptied of any feeling, a mere echo of the young man's observation.

«Life is horrifying.», he grimly explained, reclining his head on the edge of the bathtub, closing tired eyes on that scary world.

The older man didn't say anything for a while, shifting a little bit on his right side judging by what Haise's ears were telling him.

As if Arima was considering his words while looking at him, even if only for a couple of seconds.

«...life is life.», he finally declared, so close to the younger man that Haise could feel heat coming from the dampened skin on his cheek.

He was so close...and yet so far.

«Life is nothing but here. And there's nothing inherently right or wrong about it...it just is.», he cryptically said before turning away from him once again.  
Exactly. How brutal indeed.

Without opening his eyes, he listened to Arima stranding up and silently stretching his joints after having sat for so long in the same position. The young man distractedly heard him move around the room before rising his own head to inspect the situation. He noticed how the older man had begun reminding him to "wash his hair before rinsing off", promising him to "prepare some clothes for him on the bedroom right outside the bathroom", and so on.

He was just about to leave him alone when Haise found the courage to speak, catching the other's attention in doing so.

«Arima?»  
«Yes?», he asked, turning around while opening the door.  
«...and you?»  
«...me?»  
«...how...how are you holding up?»

A sudden chuckle echoed in the bath, and Arima smiled before leaving Haise alone.  
Disappearing from sight before anyone could accuse him to be human...

...perhaps, even a bit too much for his own good.

*

Haise dressed up quietly after that, confident that he could balance himself on shaky legs even without Arima's help.

And, judging by where the older man had put his new clothes, even his psychiatrist had been sure he could. In fact, while bundled up in a huge white towel found nearby the tub, Haise had to walk all the way to the left of a small corridor before finding what his host had left for him to wear.

He had walked slowly near the wall on his left, passing over a three-door walk-in wardrobe (filled with button-downs and trousers and _suits_ ) on his right, before reaching the actual bedroom.

Arima's bedroom.

Three walls, no frames, no shelves, no books, no paintings. Quilted headboard, fresh sheets, bed neatly made. One floor-to-ceiling window, with a view on the front garden and the entrance path, just like the one in the bathroom en-suite. It was difficult to imagine any house with the main bedroom facing toward the road, but yet again the entire building was one of a kind.

The casual cream-colored shirt he had found on the bed was too big on him (and probably too expensive for him to ruin), but he managed by rolling up the sleeves up to his elbows. He tried to smell it, a bit self-consciously at that, but to his utter surprise...it had no odor.

The slacks he was supposed to wear were way too baggy for his waist...to the point he didn't know how to hold them up without any aid. Arima didn't provided him with underwear, so he absolutely needed to hold those pants on: that, or giving up any facade of decency and offer himself to the man in all his skinny glory.

Looking around the bedroom, he finally found what had been Arima's tie before the older man had unceremoniously thrown it away...probably during the course of one of the previous nights to be more comfortable while taking care of his patient.

Laying on the floor at the foot of the bed, that thin garment must have been left forgotten as soon as Haise had been put in the guest room. The young man never saw his host wearing it after the session, so when he found it under the bed he couldn't help himself from thinking that Arima hadn't probably returned to his room in at least two days, if not to shower and change probably.

The black tie, however, once secured around Haise's hips, was enough to hold the slacks in place.

As frustrating as it was to be forced in such a situation, he had to smack himself down on Earth when he thought of _other_ and more efficient uses of Arima's tie on the younger man's body. For as alluring as the idea was, silk ties weren't ideal for such plays after all...yep, he totally regained his composure by thinking about the inconsistent practicality of such a material during a sadomasochist encounter.

He wasn't thinking about the utility of a different kind of _session_ to get off some steam...while enjoying Arima's company.

Not at all. Nope. Not even a tiny bit.

Hopefully the shirt would have been long enough to conceal his semi during dinner.

"...like, if I'm really lucky. Very much so."

*

When he left the bedroom, he found himself on the upper floor hallway once again...and a nice surprise awaited him in front of him.

Something he hadn't been able to look at when Arima had led him to the bathroom.

A glass balcony overlooked the living room from above, giving Haise the chance to look at the huge glazing in front of him: from the far end of the living room underneath to the roof above his head, a floor-to-ceiling window showed him the back garden, skirted by the park poplars and basswoods.

Drawn to that mere glimpse into the park that surrounded the house, he slowly walked towards the stairs to his left, only barely noticing how the glass of the internal balcony was guiding him to the steps in the first place, as it was their very own banister as well.

Haise descended from the upper floor with his eyes still mesmerized by the majestic sight of the garden, aware of its beauty for the first time...given that he had been too preoccupied with his sessions to notice in the past.

The rain and wind, instead of draining the trees of their colors were enhancing them, making them explode brightly in the dark like lightnings of green and silver. And the young man got down on the main floor with no recollection of having taken the stairs, but this time he wasn't afraid by that small memory loss from his part. For his eyes had been blessed to witness such a beautiful sight after days of fever and misery.

«I thought I had been clear before.», came Arima's voice from behind him, forcing him to turn around and face the man.

He had retrieved his spectacles and was currently by the stove, beyond the dining area, with a tray in his hands that he proceeded to put on the marble counter of the island nearby.

«I told you to call me before moving around.», the older man explained, frowning his brows, «You could have fallen down the stairs and crack your head open on the floor.», pretty displeased with his patient for behaving in such a reckless way.

Humiliation and guilt spread through his lungs, making Haise look at his feet in shame.  
«I...I'm sorry.», he finally said, walking slowly to the island where he found a chair to sit on.

Only at that point he noticed how angry the wind was on the other side of the windows, and the young man looked at his left to observe the scenery of the front garden, but the light coming from the kitchen prevented him from recognizing anything a part from his reflection on the glass. But he got a chance to observe himself nonetheless, now that he was clean and dressed.

His hair was a mess, he should have dried it with more care. And that thin shirt was too big on him indeed, making him shiver even if they were inside.

At some point, his eyes lingered on Arima's reflection on the glazing, and Haise spent a couple of minutes looking at him preparing one serving of what seemed to be chicken soup, judging by the delicious smell.

On the counter nearby the stove, next to the pantry or maybe the fridge, there was a radio, plain looking and quite old in its design...the only thing that seemed to have a personality in that house a part from the books. He hadn't heard it until then, perhaps too concentrated on his surroundings than listening carefully to the sounds in the background.

The radio was broadcasting the weather, describing in gloomy notes of utter desperation how the storm had swept through town out of thin air. Apparently, it was the worst tempest of the last twenty years or so, judging by the overflowing streams and structural damages to various crumbling buildings, let alone the state in which parks and gardens had been left by lightnings and wind.

«I told the Mados to reassure your kids.», Arima suddenly said while shutting the radio, still facing away from Haise, «The only way out of the park surrounding us had been blocked by a fallen tree and multiple branches. Yesterday was good enough, but the rain didn't stopped, and Akira didn't want to take her chances at driving to take you home with such a bad weather. You were mostly unconscious too.»

Haise didn't want to talk about his kids.  
Nor even about Akira.

They had shared so much in that bathroom already, that the air surrounding them seemed to sustain itself on the weight of those revelations. He didn't want to know where his phone had been left, either, and the thought of responding to voicemails and texts and phone calls was too much for him to bear at the moment. His only desire was to dwell in that sensation of tranquility he had experienced in the bathtub.

The young man's only wish was to let the rest of the world wash away over his body and soul.

Arima was giving all his attention to the pot he was scooping from, concentrating on not spill a single drop out of the bowl in hand.

He then presented said bowl in front of Haise, turning around the kitchen island to sit next to him, on his right.

«If you want more just tell me.»

«You're not joining me...?», the young man asked, noticing how his host had no serving in front of him.

Arima smiled politely at that, but didn't respond otherwise. Had he already eaten, or maybe he wasn't hungry at all?  
"Or...probably he doesn't want to share a meal with me, since I'm...only a patient of his."

Haise ate quietly after that, forgetting all about his insecurities by savoring the most delicious soup he had ever had. Less spicy than Akira's one, for sure, and certainly less rich in flavor than Ginshi's infamous one, but it appeared so much tastier and warming for Haise had felt so miserable and hungry in the last couple of days. He asked for seconds, eagerly waiting for Arima to fill his bowl before digging in once again.

He didn't even catch a glimpse of the other man's expressionless face, too busy enjoying the meal to sense the change in the atmosphere.

Too content to be concerned with was going to happen next.

«Soon we should discuss about your medications, Sasaki.», Arima declared, suddenly cold and professional, «I would like to be sure about my diagnosis before prescribing antidepressants of any kind to you, but we'll have to talk about it eventually.»  
Haise rose his gaze on the man, that stood once again on the other side of the kitchen island with his hands flat on the marble surface.

His black eyes emptied of any emotion, severe in their hieratic and solemn stance.  
Cruel in a way the young man had never imagined them to be.

«...is that really necessary?»

«You don't want to heal.»  
It wasn't a question.

«I...I simply think that I haven't reached that point yet.»

«You're scared to become addicted to what I'm going to prescribe you.»

«It's not even that...it's just...it's just that I want to still be myself.», he finally settled for, cautiously maneuvering the spoon in his left hand, observing the distorted reflection of his face on the utensil, vaguely upset by the lingering flavor of the metal on his tongue.

They had discussed his anger issues, and that he was afraid to lash out at any given moment for no apparent reason. And just the previous week Arima had pointed out how clear it was from his tests that he had experienced some manic episodes throughout the last six years.

Being so reluctant to take the medications from his part, he feared, could be dangerous on the long run. But still...he had read so much about the side effects of such drugs, and he had other things to tend to, so many he couldn't possibly lose control over his own emotions right now. Not even in a couple of years either...if what was happen to his kids was going to get even worse.

How would he have been able to help them with a numb brain?

«Van Gogh consistently painted only between the age of twenty-eight and thirty-seven before killing himself, once he had ceased any medical treatment.», Arima said, shaking Haise out of his train of thoughts to force him to look at him in the eyes. «Virginia Woolf died in a river with her pockets full of stones, nearby her house, unable to fight anymore.», he continued, waiting for the young man to retrieve his meal while listening carefully to what he was telling him, «Schumann attempted suicide before being interned in an asylum, to die alone and without the conditions for a possible recovery.»

Haise's appetite diminished by the minute at that, but he kept eating, focusing on the creamy texture of the soup.

«I can enumerate more names if you want, my only interest is that yours doesn't join the list.», came from Arima's part, clear enough for the young man to ear.

Clear enough for him to understand what he was being told.

His psychiatrist's job was to keep him alive, no matter what...no matter who.

They could share personal information, but Arima had to be professional about it and certainly not friendly enough to accept any of Haise's selfish requests.  
By avoiding certain subjects or by simply distancing himself from particular issues, Haise was making it difficult for Arima to understand what to do with him.

For he was going to help him survive that war, no matter how...no matter who.  
No matter Haise's point of view.

«...what do you want me to do, then?»

«To talk, that's all.»

«...haven't we talked enough?»

«A month is nothing, I assure you. And a few tests are not going to make you feel better on the long run.»

«So...have I wasted all this time...?», he angrily scoffed, clenching and unclenching his left hand in order to keep himself from lashing out.

Arima walked once again to the chair next to Haise, turned slightly in his direction leaning on the counter with his right elbow.  
«...I never waste my time, Sasaki. I sure hope you're not suggesting otherwise.»

Those stern words were actually able to calm the young man down.  
At least until he had to voice his feelings on the matter.

«I thought I was here to get better after the..after what happened to me in June.»

«We are here to understand many things that might have happened to you.»

«...and yet you never asked me about...about that night.»

«You never approached the subject yourself.»

Arima had been waiting.  
Waiting for him to reveal himself spontaneously, patient in his work until that point.

And Haise had been so scared...so selfish...so utterly unhelpful...it made him sick.  
Sick and tired above all.

«Is it...is it normal that I don't feel anything about it? A part from a mild annoying sensation?»

Silence followed that question.  
Both in the room and Haise's heart, since there was very little to consider about what the young man had just said.

It was true that he was afraid of going out alone, but not every single time...if he was careful enough, avoiding rush ours and dark valleys, he could feel safe.

And nobody would question him about his repulsion toward any remembrance related to Torso and his ogling bulging eyes and his slimy dirty hands...but Haise wasn't thinking about it daily while having panic attacks back and forth at the memory.

Furthermore, for as much as he was scare about the idea of being touched in a sexual way...the young man didn't have to feel disgusting if he was careful not to touch himself or dwell on arousing fantasies.

He was supposed to feel traumatized and yet...he felt nothing but numb and...and sometimes even remotely content with himself.

At that point, sitting in front of a man he found extremely attractive and trustworthy, Haise couldn't help himself from imagining a different life: a life where he could have been worthy of Arima's attention, a life in which he had nothing to feel ashamed about, a life that he could be proud of even after a trauma like the one he had suffered. But instead...there he was.

Scared, but not too much.  
Cautious, but not enough to avoid others.  
Not even that traumatized to begin with...he felt like he was being selfish to seek Arima's help.

There where people out there dealing with terrible, disquieting, horrible things. There was Touka and her mourning. There was Akira, suffering from Parkinson's disease. There was Saiko, dealing with depression. There was Ginshi, taking care of his little sister. There was Urie, perpetually angry and scared and dangerous. There was Tooru...poor Tooru who never felt guilty for his father's death, but constantly afraid of himself and of other people's judgment for not feeling that guilt in the first place.

There where people much more in need than him.

And yet...here he was.  
On the verge to reveal what kept him awake at night since the beginning of March.

He lowered his head in discomfort, feeling numbness spreading through his veins like poison, pa nelly aware of Arima's eyes on him. Scratching his head and silently pulling at his hair with the left hand, he then heaved a deep breath, focusing on what he had avoided thinking about for the best part of the previous months. And...perhaps, even for the most part of those six years from the accident.

«...maybe...maybe I don't feel that traumatized because something really similar have already happened to me once...I think.»

The wind outside was howling angrily behind thick glass, mirroring Haise's turmoil with every moaning and keening sound.

Suddenly, all the lights in the house turned off, and a massive lightning shone in the sky before growling its thunderous voice out of ferociousness.

None of them noticed, still and quiet in the shadows, their faces lit by no light, their hearts aglow with anticipation.

Haise's voice pierced the silence like that thunder had done, whispering truths to the ear of a statue.  
«Six years ago I was diagnosed with Psychogenic Amnesia, but you never asked me about it.»

It wasn't a question, nor an accusation.  
A simple truth, echoing in the dark.

«I usually prefer to see these kind of things with my own eyes, without pressuring whoever is in front of me.», Arima responded, still next to him.  
Unmoving and unfazed with everything that was happening right then.

And it was like they had never escaped the bathroom, even if they were facing towards each other instead of looking away.

For the darkness was thicker than the tension between them, and their senses more alive than what they had been in the numbness of the bathroom upstairs.

So, Haise spoke.  
With no turning back this time.  
None at all.

*

«When I was able to think again, in the hospital, the very first thing...the only thing I remembered was my father. I know he had taken care of me after my mother died when I was two or three. He was a very busy man, and we got few chances to spend time together when I got older...but everything before that is still a little blurry for me.

«But I remember that he was usually coming home once a week, and he would ask me all about my studies and the things that I learned. Everything he said was interesting and I wanted him to be proud of me...but sometimes he was scary too.

«Like...the way he talked to me, or the way he wanted me to understand something...any time I wasn't able to get what he was telling me he would ground me and leave me for a very long time. But other times he was friendly and generous, like when he took me out for dinner for my birthday in April. Since I was looking forward to it...and I remember anticipating that evening with excitement.

«When I asked what had happened to him, the nurses and doctors told me I survived a terrible accident...in which my father had tragically died. We were walking down a lane at night and something had crashed down on us from some construction site...Nanao Yasuhisa had apparently died trying to save me, pushing me away from him.

«I did some research and I found various newspapers from some weeks prior...describing in excruciating detail my father's demise. His photo was there, his name too...then I asked the medical staff to provide me with his death certificate and his belongings...but a part from his wallet he had none at the time of the accident.

«They asked me if I wanted to keep my name even if I didn't remember much of my previous life. And even if I felt guilty for forgetting my father I thought that...that maybe my detachment from him was some sort of sign. That I had to begin anew.  
For some reason, the name Haise was stuck in my head...it was unusual and different, I liked it very much. The government chose the surname Sasaki for me and I think it suits me just fine.

«But...for as much as I tried to be sad for him, I couldn't bring myself to care too much. I had so few memories of him...and even if he was the only person living in my heart, even if I wasn't able to remember anyone a part from him...I didn't cry when they told me he had died.

«But then...last March. It began slowly, probably even before that, but I think everything had been strange for a while already...because I was researching for one of my usual pro-bono cases. In which a rich mother was trying to take custody of her child even after he had been saved from her abusive behaviour by a family friend, who had asked the government to help in court.

«And there...al those files regarding the kid, and what had happened to him, all the details about his bruises and broken bones...I couldn't stop thinking about it. Even at home, my mind was racing to find a clue about my strange reaction to that case. It wasn't anything special, since I had seen other similar cases like that one...but something had got me stressing over that.

«The kid was born a girl, but the forensic psychologist had declared that the child was, indeed, suffering from body dysphoria...and that the mother had been denying the fact since he had revealed to her his doubts and insecurities. That kid had suffered for at least five years of constant abuses, hit and punched several times a day only because his mother was scared and ashamed of him.

«And...somehow...it all...clicked together.

«Memories began flowing back into my mind...memories of a woman hitting me with her eyes blinded by tears. Asking me why did she have to suffer such embarrassment, such disgusting shame...asking me why did I have to be so different from other kids.

«And I remembered the day I found a old wig in the dumpster, in the back lane of a nightclub, nearby our apartment...it was black and sticky, but I took it home nonetheless because I wanted to put it on. And I remember that woman finding out my secret one day, while I was playing in front of a mirror in order to fake being someone else.

«She got angry at me and hit me, so hard she had to take me to the hospital afterwards. But when we got home from the ER, she threw away the wig and cried in front of me...asking me to stop doing this to her. To stop being so disrespectful and mean towards her.

«But here's the thing, she couldn't possibly be my mother, because my father told me she had died when I was very little. But on the other hand, if my father had been the one who lied to me...why did he have to do that? Did he save me from her and then dealt with my PTSD by lying to me?

«After that I searched for answers, checking my father's death certificate once again in order to find information on his wife. And then I found his wife's death certificate too...and it said exactly what my father told me. That she had died when I was three years old.

«And finally, the photo of the woman in the certificate looked nothing like the woman in my memories. Her hair, her eyes, her height...everything was wrong. The way she called me too, was wrong. My father called me in a different way...even if it's all too blurry for me to remember correctly.

«I'm pretty sure my father usually called me Shiro. While that woman called me Ken. My birth certificate tells me I am Shiro Yasuhisa, I chose to call myself Haise Sasaki, and a strange woman that cannot be my mother insists on calling me Ken from within my memories.

«But this isn't even the worst part.

«When that man kidnapped me, I remembered something else. It keeps me up at night because I don't want to think about it and I certainly don't want to dream about it. I'm so sickened by it that I don't need something like that to haunt me even more.

«I remembered a voice calling me in the dark, telling my name...calling me Shiro. Someone I care for, someone I need in order to eat, to survive even. He loves me in strange ways, while I am forced on a chair, my hands and feet in ropes, my eyes blindfolded. I have to respond to some of his questions in the right way...or he will hurt me. The stink of disinfectant still in my nostrils.

«If that was my father then...I think my gut was right when I refused to cry for his demise six years ago.»

*

Arima had listened to his speech with no interruptions.

And even Haise had no way to feel anything but numbness throughout the all monologue.

Suddenly, the light came back, the blackout gone.  
But Haise had no time to be scared by the thought of sudden confrontation, that Arima's face appeared in front of them. The man had his eyes closed, eyelids heavy behind clear glass, inhaling rhythmically and quietly. In deep thought, or maybe still listening carefully to his patient's breathing.

«Will you let me open my eyes, Sasaki?», he asked, waiting for a response.

Haise considered the possibility for a while, before answering affirmatively.

«Do you want me to?», Arima asked once again, conveying a different meaning this time around.

After a long deliberation, Haise finally reassured him that it was, indeed, fine for him to look, to witness...to understand.

And so Arima opened his eyes and met the most pitiful creature on Earth: a sobbing mess of a person, clutching their chest from over a shirt too big for them, crying all of their tears without even a sound escaping from their lips, pressed hard together.

Arima looked at this poor being...and smiled. Waiting for them to explode with nothing but patience in their features.  
«Thank you Haise.», he quietly whispered, reaching for them with both hands, as if ready to catch them falling.  
«You did a wonderful job.», he continued, lowering his head to be at lever with Haise's one.

He took their hands and squeezed them tenderly, spreading warmth through cold fingers and rigid palms.  
«Now we have something to work with.», he concluded, watching over Haise while they cried their eyes out in front of him.

Waiting for them to fill all that emptiness with tears in order for them to finally heal.

*

The next day the storm had quieted down, and someone was finally able to come in order to take him back home.

Koori showed up on Arima's front door, greeting his supervisor by eye-rolling at the psychiatrist's surprise.

The younger man explained his presence by declaring that Arima was unable to take care of anyone without messing with their mind first, and that Hairu had called him to drive in the rain in order to get Haise's home. Apparently, Akira had discussed with Ui's sister over the phone about the all thing, and Hairu wasn't too keen on taking the metro after the blackout that had shut down the entire city right the night before. Being the only one currently able (and breve enough, Koori insisted on) to drive a car in such weather conditions, Haise's fellow mentor had decided to sacrifice himself and save the day.

Ui's speech lasted so much, it actually gave Haise the time he needed to finish up his breakfast and gather his belongings.

The night had been good to him, letting him sleep for as much as he had been able to, before stirring up on the sofa in the living room, awakened by the sunlight peeking through the clouds behind the glazings.

At the time, Arima had been nowhere in sight, but the young man had reached the kitchen with no problems at all, rummaging around the cupboards in order to find something to eat.

He had been able to find only some eggs in a otherwise completely empty fridge, and as soon as Arima left his office Haise had silently scolded him by rising a single eyebrow to further his displeasure. But when the young man had noticed how the other hadn't even changed clothes from the previous night, he had thought better than greeting him with a lecture on his eating habits.

He had simply watched Arima skillfully and quickly scrambling a couple of eggs before reaching toward him with a plate already in hand.

Arima, once again, had eaten nothing of it, leaning on the counter of the kitchen island instead, mirroring Haise's posture while he ate nearby the stove.

They hadn't talked of anything important, a part from discussing where Haise's old clothes have been left, pressed and neatly folded on the washing machine nearby the oven. The young man had been so focused on his quests for food, that he hadn't even seen the pile of clothes on the counter next to him. He had felt a bit silly for that, but had been otherwise too preoccupied with eating to care about it.

Before he had able to approach the subject of the night before, however, the bell had rung, catching Arima's attention.

Once Haise came back from the small service toilet behind the kitchen to quickly wash up and change into his old clothes, Ui had been on the verge of explode at something Arima must have said to him. Their interaction was so...spontaneous and easy, made out of smiles and bantering and moments free of any tension or difficulty between them.

In that instant, it became clear for Haise that he had to stop fantasizing about bonding with Arima in any way.

The older man had never smiled like that in front of him, not even when he was taking care of him. The way he appeared while talking with Koori about Hairu, Hirako, and other acquaintances of theirs...it was completely different from his usual collected demeanor and general attitude in his patient's presence.

Everything that had happened in that house, every interaction, every revelation, for how sweet it had seemed...had been nothing but a mean to an end.

A mere strategy to obtain Haise's trust in order to make him open up to him.

He was still considering those thoughts when Ui caught his attention by calling his name, motioning to prepare himself to leave. But...but Haise was still at loss, even when walking down the kitchen and the hallway to reach the front door, even if when he put his shoes on where he had left them days before.

He couldn't still believe that everything was wrapping up so fast, al suddenly...he...he needed more time...more time to process the...

A loud _snap!_ the choked in his skull, forcing him to focus on the present instead of wandering away in his thoughts.

He had just been called like a dog...hadn't he?

Arima was looking down on him, with a hand reaching in his direction...like the night before...like when he was ready to catch him...

«You still have my clothes in hand, Sasaki.», Arima told him with a serene expression on his face, gesturing him to give back the shirt and the sweatpants he was still holding...no...clutching at his chest, «Thank you for bringing them to me, it's fine now. You can give them back.»

Arima's words made no sense at all, not even when Haise watched himself returning said items to their rightful owner.  
Not even when the young man felt their warmth abandon him once and for all.

Then, Koori slowly guided him outside, probably aware of Haise's strange behavior but unwilling to be rude or straightforward about it. Rain was still falling, but the sun was able to glance at the word every now and then, given that the wind was strong enough to blow away the clouds before they could aggregate once again. Ui made a joke about foxes getting married in such an awful weather, and Haise couldn't help himself that something was, indeed, tricking him into making strange decisions.

The sparkling water coming from up above, the light in itself so vibrant and crystalline...everything seemed staged, fake, like the world reflecting itself in an imaginary mirror. The people in it, acting in a strange way, forcing him to do something he would have never done, not in a million years.  
That new day was making him leave Arima's home, where he had felt safe just until the day before.

And Koori was leading him toward his car, parked right outside the front garden, waiting for them to come aboard and get away from there.

Haise wanted to look back, determined to reassure himself that nothing had been a dream, that...that what had happened there hadn't been...hadn't been a mere play. He felt like a kid was being separated from his only relative and he didn't...he didn't want to being left alone.

Nor did he want to leave _them_ alone either!

However, right before he could look away from Ui and back to Arima by the door...he refrained himself from doing so.

Right.  
He had to move on...he had to forget about his impossible crush with a man who was supposed to help him, not falling in love with him.

And so, he forced his steps forward, not even daring to glance in Arima's direction.

Not even when he stepped inside the car and waited for Koori to join him.  
Not even when the car began moving and they surpassed a couple of construction workers on the dirt road.  
Not even when said people asked them to slow down on their way, and to keep an eye on the branches scattered around.

He only found the courage to look in the rear-view mirror when the house had been too far away for him to see clearly, before remembering he had lost his contact lenses during his visit to Arima. He squinted, desperate to recognize what he was trying to put into focus, wishing to see someone standing in front of the entrance door still...

But then, the car stumbled forward on some of those branches they had been warned about, and Haise's attention was caught by Ui's quiet chatting over the traffic and other insignificant issues. The young man listened carefully to everything he was being told, trying to distract himself from the pain.

Hurt beyond repair, Haise focused himself on the present, aware that the past had been just an illusion and nothing else.

However, gradually he calmed down by suppressing his urge to cry.

Numbness fell over his mind to conceal any sorrowful thought.

And only a small, whispering idea was able to reach him.  
Only a quiet and little ray of hope kept him alive.

"Where...have I left my red pills...again?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...here we are. Again.  
> Mostly arisasa, as you can see. I wanted to depict their relationship by describing not only Haise's unrequited feelings but also the the bonding part of any relationship. In the same way in which Haise had trusted Touka and decided to take their interactions on a different level, likewise he did with Arima, trying to change his initial reactions to the man's behavior.
> 
> In the first part I wanted to experiment with flashbacks (the part in between these [...], do you need me to change it and avoid too much text in italics?) mixing them up with reality. In the last part, Haise's revelation was straightforward with no time to think of consequences or feelings, like in a stream of consciousness.
> 
> Many characters had been introduced in this part.  
> Regarding Karren last name (Kanae) and the choice I made...I will not disclose my intentions yet, but I will explain everything in due time.  
> Hairdresser-Naoto is practically canon so...let me have fun with him.  
> The twins are my life so let me enjoy this moment.  
> Hairu and Koori are siblings in this fic (for some reason, I initially thought they were born the same day...then wiki corrected me in this matter and I edited out every part in wich I let you believe they were twins...sorry about that. They are siblings, one year apart from each other, okay? Okay.)  
> As for the choice of using the Yasuhisa household for Haise's background...please, refrain from speculating too much in the comments. You are surely too intuitive to miss it, and I'm not the most able writer in the world...so let me dwell in the delusion of actually being able to trick you all, okay?  
> Cool.
> 
> Reference from canon are always there, but this is obviously a form of divergence from it and I AM -indeed- MESSING UP WITH CANON. Sorry for the shouting but I wanted to be clear for the people in the back (you heard me? Awesome.)
> 
> Since the beginning of this fic I wanted my dear Tooru to be a killer of some sort...but then canon arrived and my heart was shattered. I toned it down a bit from what had really happened in the manga, but it's still difficult to process. 
> 
> Haise is selfish, even if he cares deeply about his kids and friends. I took this trait from my experience with bipolar disorder, because is something that I experienced daily and feeling guilty is the norm for me. And...you know...I feel comfortable in writing characters with my problems...but Haise is a different person and he will be able to overcome his flaws!  
> Or is he?  
> I'm not that cruel of a writer to deny you all of a happy ending, stay reassured!  
> Or am I?
> 
> On my tumblr there are some pictures to show [Arima's house](http://you-are-not-a-drone.tumblr.com/tagged/Arima%27s-house), I only hope the link would work.
> 
> Plese be nice in the comments and have a nice day!


	6. "Chase the rabbit", they said..."kill it", they thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's begin.
> 
> First: thank you for your patience and I am really sorry for the long delay.  
> This chapter is longer than usual (I think...but I'm pretty sure I have overdone it this time...and not in regards to the quality, I fear). [edit: it's actually shorter than the previous one...thank goodness].
> 
> So...here's what I need you to do:  
> \- If you want to read it in one sit, DON'T.  
> \- Seriously, though, if you really want to...I guess it's your right, but take a pee first.  
> \- Take some goodies with you, and WATER, (maybe tissues for many purposes).  
> \- Text someone you care about and tell them to be ready to scoop you up from the floor with a spoon...this is going to be a wild ride, my friends.  
> \- TAKE THAT PEE.  
> \- And please, if you liked the story so far...leave some kudos, or a comment...really you would make a writer very happy for the rest of the day.  
> \- Even better, go write any of your favorite authors a comment. They deserve it.  
> \- And leave kudos to them too!
> 
> Second: warnings for this chapter:  
> \- description of dissociative behavior/of self-hatred tendencies/of family conflicts;  
> \- mention of body dysphoria/of internalized transphobia/of obsessive habits;  
> \- mention of traumatic past experiences/of mental illness (such as bpd, social anxiety, and others);  
> \- dramatization of dissociative identity disorder/of genderfluidity/of bipolar personality disorder;  
> \- (not so graphic, but still vivid) description of dissociation during sexual activity;  
> \- (I will add others if necessary, I might have forgotten a couple).
> 
> Not so serious warnings for this chapter:  
> -not-so-realistic-Doctor/Patient-relationship;  
> -WASHUUSAKI overload (it wasn't my intention, but it happened);  
> -presence of risky sexual behavior;  
> -unreliable narrator;  
> -the chapter was supposed to be much longer than this...but I had to make a choice;  
> -the author is starving for validation...so maybe leave a comment?  
> -please be nice in the comments...I'm very anxious and fragile.
> 
> Third: English is not my first language, and I will make corrections in the future.  
> I'm sorry if some parts will be a little confusing, really. I'm beating myself up over this almost every day since the beginning. I will do my best to improve, I'm sorry if this story is difficult to read sometime. :(
> 
> Well, here we are.  
> Have you took that pee?  
> Take. It. Now.
> 
> I will edit eventual mistakes and problems, sorry for that.  
> And don't be shy to tell me if I have messed up something!  
> See you at the end of the chapter!

_Or nagged by want past resolution’s power,  
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,_

 

The second most strange thing that could happen to someone who is crestfallen is probably having to interact with others, despite all.

The first strangest thing that could happen, however, is finding yourself doing so in the shopping district...in the middle of the rush hour sales.

Housewives and broke-ass students fighting over vegetables and house-cleaning products were not exactly the kind of company Haise would have wanted around after had had happened to Arima's house. Nor was he able to enjoy the excited atmosphere spreading throughout the gallery where the open-air market was held.

Caskets of flowers were hanging from the various lamppost and old telegraph poles, and just by rising his head Haise could smell their delicate perfume and admire the rich and blazing colors of their petals. Walking through stands of every kind, he felt like being submerged and swept again and again, swaying to the rhythm of other people's angry steps and piercing shouts.

The strange and disquieting beautiful light of that sun-shower day was still too much for him to bear, and everything seemed too vivid and blinding, too...fabricated and factitious to be real. A kaleidoscopic world made out of colorful glass, and nothing else.

Haise was so far gone in his numbing perception of reality that he hadn't even been able to loath the proximity to other human beings. Being pushed away was not a problem, tripping over someone else's foot couldn't be less than a bother. Nothing mattered...

...at least until Ui shook him out of his stupor and took him by the hand, leading him through the crowd. Scolding him for not keeping up with him. 

«Don't wander around by yourself. Next time I leave you here for good.»

 _"If you don't follow me closely I swear I will go home alone..."_  
Well...if that didn't sound familiar.

«I'm sorry for dragging you here before taking you home, but my fridge is empty and the kids don't even know what vegetables are.», Ui apologized, still holding him by the right hand...probably too distracted to remember how little effect it had on him, «I will be quick, and then we'll get to the car in no time. I swear.»

 _"...please don't make that face. Soon we'll get home."_  
It was probably the weather that made him so nostalgic.

But remembering that woman and her lunatic behavior wasn't certainly going to make his day better.

Koori stopped in front of a stand selling fresh fruits and whatnot, and he proceeded to haggle over the price with the vender by using reverse psychology and other dirty tricks. It was amusing to witness, but not quite enough to cheer Haise in the right way. However, seeing his friend hold a huge watermelon in victory made him smile a bit. It didn't reach the eyes, though.

Suddenly, Ui's expression changed as he lowered his purchase and looked grimly at him.  
«You too, eh?», he sighed, silently asking Haise to hold the watermelon for him, «That bastard better be sorry for it...», he then muttered under his breath, while he walked over to the next stand.

The young man tailed the other as close as he could, frowning at his sudden change of mood, «Me...what?»

«You better quit playing pretend in your mind, Haise. You're not the first who ever felt at loss in front of Arima Kishou.»

Haise had no time to stop on his tracks out of shock, that he tripped over his own feet, crashing on Koori's back still with the giant fruit in hand. The other straightened him as soon as he was able to get a hold of him, and then approached the new seller, angrier then before.

«...I'm not proud of it, but both me and my sister have questioned our sexuality because of him. We eventually grew out of it in our early twenties and moved on to other...more approachable expectations. More approachable most of the times, that's it.», he confessed, carefully selecting vegetables like nothing happened, like he was talking about the weather.

«But I can assure you that is pretty easy to forget about a stupid crush if we're talking about Arima. He's, after all, incapable of feeling like a normal human being.»  
It would have been pointless deny the fact, and Haise didn't have the energy to make a fool out of himself by reassuring Ui that he wasn't in love with the man.

He simply kept looking at his friend's hands while he gestured the seller what he wanted to buy from their stand.

It hurt quite a bit listening to him saying such horrible things about Arima...but he had no way to express it.

Koori, on the other hand, continued with his little speech, still avoiding Haise's gaze.  
«Hairu once told me that one of his patients tried to kill him during a session.», he declared with a pensive expression, pausing briefly to slightly bow in front of the merchant before guiding the younger man once again in the crowd, «It happened many years ago, maybe even before me and my sister came to Japan, I'm not sure. But his best friend swore that he had changed very little since then. Apparently, he used to smile more...but that was it. He had always been inadequate to reciprocate other people's feelings, his friend confirmed it.»

Haise couldn't believe someone could try to hurt Arima...the mere thought was enough to freeze him on the spot.

But Koori was having none of it, dragging him forward by the arm while balancing the rest of his shopping bags on both of his hands.

«He was a prodigy, graduated high school in Europe when he was sixteen. Graduated in Medicine at twenty-one, in Psychiatry at twenty-five. Someone with a massive brain like that is practically bound to have problems while interacting with others.», he insisted, boring holes into the left side of Haise's face to catch his reactions, «He's great at his job, don't misunderstand...but he usually treats his patients like missions to accomplish. He will take care of them even with extreme means until they will be able to take care for themselves.»

Something stung in his chest at those words, making him feel incredibly small in comparison with Ui, who was even shorter than him in the first place.

He didn't like one bit the aggressive tone his friend was using to describe Arima, and he began clenching his fists in response, cracking a couple of fingers too. A dangerous feeling set at the bottom of his abdomen, making him nauseous and irrationally scared.

«This line of thought is efficient, but not considerate enough in my opinion. Most of the time he is unaware of other people's feelings toward him, and so he completely overlook such particular needs during therapy. He will cure them at the best of his abilities, but that's it.».

Like punches directed to his head, those harsh remarks rang painfully through his skull, and Koori's voice felt like a slap on his face, «Each time a patient bond with him...he keeps pushing, digging through the mechanisms of their minds until he is able to get them back on their feet. And when he succeeds...he leave them with a hole in their heart.»

...and Haise was going to explode under that pressure.  
Increasingly more and more upset by the minute.

«They will live fulfilling lives, away from him.», Ui declared, once again walking in front of Haise to guide him toward the end of the market.

«...he's...he's just doing his job in fixing my problem.», the young man said, suffering from the blow he had just delivered to his heart by remembering an unspeakable truth. Reminded of the fact that the man was, indeed, paid to know him and make him comfortable enough to speak freely.

But Ui, straightforward as ever, didn't gave him the time to dwell on those kind of thoughts.

«Therapists do not "fix" people, sometimes they simply save patients (from) themselves...»  
"...for themselves.", Haise unconsciously corrected in his mind, changing the meaning of the sentence in the first place.

Believing Ui was really suggesting that Arima could...that he could be interested in him only to satisfy his own desire of control over others. That his psychiatrist would have helped him out of delusional omnipotence instead of compassion. That it was because of some sort of God complex if the older man had accepted to work with him in order to resolve an impossible enigma.

Haise completely misunderstood Koori's words, consequently getting angry at him for badmouthing Arima in such a way.

«Arima help them survive, but they are not meant to make him part of their lives in return.»

The young man stopped, lowering his forehead on the watermelon, unable to let that stupid thing go...not even to see it crashed onto the ground to release some anger. He didn't want to make a mess, or a fool out of himself, and so he endured the humiliation and pain.

He thought about the way Arima had asked him to return the clothes he had landed him for the night.  
He thought about how...utterly horrible he had felt, being treated like a child, regarded as the most stupid being on Earth.

 _"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard, Ken."_  
To say something like that to a mere child...to be reminded of such a thing during adulthood...to feel at loss still.

«And he does the same with acquaintances and friends too...he keeps them at arm's length. Probably because he never reaches for...them...», Koori had stopped as well, probably noticing how Haise had been standing a couple of meters behind him. Looking at him shaking like a leaf, while people surpassed him one hard shove after the other. The older man approached him quietly and put a hand on his shoulder, waiting for him to acknowledge his presence.

And when Haise did, the young man could see nothing but compassion in those brown eyes.  
«...you cannot reach him, Haise. Spend your free time with people who actually love you, like your kids or even that girl...Kirishima, was it?»

That sure was unexpected, it actually made him smirk in disbelief.  
«What does she have to do with anything, now?»  
«I saw the way she looks at you, or the way you look at her for the matter. And you know it too.»

But there was still something amiss with her...something that hurt them both.  
And for as right as Koori was, they had used each other for too long to actually begin anew.

For the umpteenth time, Ui shook him from his spacing out, leading him out of the gallery in search of the car, progressively quickening his pace now that it was beginning to rain once again, «I'm not saying to use her to get rid of your crush, obviously.», he scolded him, like he was gifted with some sort of mind-reading abilities, «All I'm saying is that she will never hurt you the way Arima would, because she actually reciprocates your feelings for her. And you need some comforting right about now.»

The sharp smell coming from the sewers on the road exploded in the young man's nostrils, enhanced by the water drops washing down the wrought iron of the gallery building and the pavement underneath.

And bittersweet was the memory of Arima's scent, savory and tender when the man had hold him tight to change the sheets. So different from the present smell, that was less intimate and clean...so far away from reality indeed.

«You seem knowledgeable on the subject.», Haise mindlessly considered, walking closely with Ui because he didn't remember where they had parked the car. «Did someone broke your heart recently?», he then added, quite spitefully at that, resenting him for humiliating him to that point. Still angry at him for stomping on his feelings like that.

«Oh you have no idea.», his friend said while rolling his eyes upwards, «Last spring I had to cheer my sister up after her girlfriend broke up with her. I know probably too much about ice-cream, face masks, and underwear shopping for my own good.»

Hairu's words from Tanabata echoed in his mind at that, and a horrible and sticky film of sorrow covered his thoughts at the mention of what had happened to her. She was such a delightful person, so welcoming and caring...always ready to fight for the people she loved the most.

Not to "win them over", Haise had to remind himself, but to "fight alongside them".

If such a wonderful woman had been abandoned by her girlfriend, how many chances did he have to stay in one piece?  
How was he supposed to...forget about a man he barely knew?

«...so what do you suggest?»  
«Go out and have fun, stay with people who care about you. You need time to mourn.»  
«You're talking about it like it is some sort of funeral.»  
«...it's because someone will die, Haise.»  
«What do you mean?»  
«The "You" who fell in love with him will pass away, and the "Arima" you have idealized and idolized will perish too.», Koori admitted, finding his black minivan among other identical cars in the lane where they had parked one hour prior, consequently leading the way towards it, «You'll be soon acquainted with grief and its many stages...and you have to be professional about it.»

It was so strange to talk about such things in the middle of the street, and yet it was like no one could listen to them.  
No one would have even cared, for the people they were walking among were too busy minding their own business.  
The rest of the world was too preoccupied with moving on on its tracks...to notice such a silly subject.

«...has it ever happened to you? After Arima, I mean.», he quietly asked as soon as they reached the van, still unsure about how to react to that notion.  
He didn't want to be jealous, because he cared for Hairu and Koori, even more so after discovering they were siblings.  
And yet here he was, seething with irrational fear and sense of rivalry over the older man.

«I never loved him, although he made me question a couple of things.», Ui considered, taking the groceries in one hand to open the car door in front of Haise with the other, «You, on the other hand, made me realize them on an entirely different level.»  
...what?

The shorter man turned around the car to open the trunk in the back, he then put away the plastic bags leaving Haise in front of the passenger side with no intention of explaining himself to him. Koori only noticed the other had been left dumbstruck when he got on the driver seat and looked to his left side.

«Don't worry. It ended long ago.», he confessed, waiting for Haise to step inside the vehicle before turning on the engine, «I'm finally free of you too.»

"Free of...me? Like some sort of...parasite?"

He had no way to ask him for how long he had felt that way.  
Nor did he tried to.

His friend had just confessed to have been in love with him, probably since the time they had spent together at the international university of the Academy. And Haise couldn't do anything but hold that stupid ginormous watermelon in between his arms while melting on the passenger seat.

Koori was chatting happily over the radio, munching one of his gums out of nervousness. He seemed happy, all things considered.

Although, Haise was unsure of why his smile was so upsetting for him to look at.

*

He found himself in the kitchen, still with that damned watermelon in hand.

Vague were his memories about how he had been able to say goodbye to Ui and enter his home, for he had no recollection of ever getting out from his friend's car in the first place.

...too many things happening at once.

He had to get a hold of himself, and he could actually begin by putting away that giant fruit he had practically stole. After doing so, Haise washed his hands and rummaged through the cupboards in search of his meds.

He hadn't took his testosterone for a couple of days, and years and years of habit made him go to the farthest corner of the kitchen to get the box of medication. But as soon as he gulped down the white pill, he immediately noticed how Tooru's dosage of hormones hadn't been touched in at least...two weeks. He took the small blister pack and counted the days, confirming his worst doubts.

His kid was genuinely thinking to give up on the transition, probably out of lack of self esteem and maybe out of love for Urie too.

"To think that Mucchan could give up on something like this, even after replacing the injections with the tabs..."  
Mutsuki couldn't stand needles after all, but he had been so happy to find the right medication for himself...

He glanced at the fridge and walked over it, still with the small pack in hand, to read the magnetic calendar Saiko had made for Tooru to monitor his progress on the treatment. Every time the kid should have experienced a menstrual cycle there would have been a smiley face declaring that he had no longer need for pads, given the hormonal therapy and all.

But even if those smiley faces were still in place during the previous weeks...judging by the amount of medications Mucchan hadn't took, it was clear that his younger son was lying.  
Writing excitedly notes upon notes on his sister's calendar in order to not scare everyone in the house.

On the long run this would have been the end of him.  
And Haise had to do something about that too.  
He had to do something about many things.

Suddenly, the front door opened, revealing a drenched Ginshi in the hallway.  
The kid initially smiled at him, probably reassured by his mentor's presence after so many days apart...but something quickly changed in his features. A crestfallen expression on his face suggested Haise just how difficult it must have been for him to get a hold of the entire family alone.

The kid began babbling about Urie being at the gym, while Tooru and Saiko were probably still sleeping upstairs, telling his guardian all about his intentions to go grocery shopping after his morning run. But a couple of hiccups escaped his lips, even if he was biting them as hard as he could.

Haise rushed in his direction and embraced his head, lowered in desperation and fatigue.  
«Sassan...I...I don't know why...why I am crying...»  
«It's okay, we'll get through this...I swear.»  
«...it was like...like when my dad shot himself.», the kid began in a monotone voice, pressing his forehead on Haise's left shoulder, still rigid in his arms.  
Focused on the past, trapped by ancient ghosts.

«Mother had left...and he...he wasn't there...he didn't know how to save Haru...», he continued, ignoring his mentor's attempts to soothe his nerves, «He had to kill himself to retrieve the insurance money...but they didn't give us anything...he...he left us alone...he didn't...he didn't...»

«I'm here now. Everything is going to be fine, you've endured it all...you've done well.»  
«I'm just like him, Sassan.», Ginshi sobbed, finally clutching at his guardian's shoulders once Haise began gently stroking his nape, «I'm helpless and stupid, so fucking stupid I...I don't know what to do.», he shouted, muffling his voice on his own hand, covering the mouth from behind Haise's back.

«You did great, Ginshi. I'm fine now, there's nothing to worry about.»  
«Urie doesn't want to speak to us...and...and...and the others...they...»  
«You don't have to tell me their secrets, I already know.», Haise reassured the boy, earning a disbelieving expression from Ginshi, who gaped in front of him like he wanted to burst right on the spot. Then, Haise took that opportunity to cradle his right cheek and looked closely at his kid, smiling softly.

«You're not betraying them...we'll figure something out.»  
Ginshi broke in a million pieces at that, falling in fragments like a mirror on the ground.  
Only this time, his only parent was there to catch him.  
Ready to put him back together once again.

*

They talked, quietly but purposely at that.

The tension in the room smothered out by their crunching mouths full of watermelon, their second breakfast for the day.  
They agreed to not disclose anything to the others just yet, since there was still the "Urie-situation" so sort out before approaching Tooru and Saiko's problems.

As it turned out, Shirazu's observational abilities made the kid realize pretty fast what had happened to his brother, but he didn't have the opportunity to make sense of the problem just yet.

On the other hand, he had no idea Mucchan had stopped taking his hormones, and this bothered him quite a bit. Saiko's eating disorders had been another tough subject for Ginshi, since she actually confessed her fears to him pretty frequently, consequently earning her trust on the matter of confidentiality.

As soon as Haise sensed someone moving from the upper floor, the young man left Ginshi finish his meal, reminding him to share with the others what Koori had bought for them. With a kind smile on his face he promised they would talk again, and then he patted the kid's head to cheer him up a little bit.

Before Saiko could wander down the stairs, Haise had already disappeared into his bedroom, leaning back to the closed door. He surveilled his surroundings, noticing his phone on the bedside table...nearby the small black notebook Arima had given him on their first meeting.

It was supposed to be a mean to record his progress session after session, as his psychiatrist had suggested, but it ended up serving as a never ending list of symptoms from his part. Any time he noticed to have some particular behavior or irrational response to something he would have written about it, all in order to discuss it with Arima in the future.

Even though, at the same time, he didn't wish for him to see such a pitiful enumeration of his many flaws.

Walking towards the bed, Haise ended up taking the small notebook in hand, caressing his cover as if he could touch a real person instead.  
He opened it to the very first page while mindlessly listening to Saiko's chat with Ginshi coming from the kitchen, and his eyes focused on the only thing written on that piece of paper...a name, his name, signed in a shaky and uncertain handwriting.

"Haise", Arima had written at some point, probably still unsure about what kanjis he had to use in order to form his name.  
Nonetheless, his psychiatrist had given him that notebook to keep, extending to him that possession by writing his name on it.

"If only I could write my name on him too...", he bitterly thought, shaking his head in discomfort before putting back that book on the bedside table.

Suddenly, his gaze fell onto his cellphone, but before he could take it in hand...it began to rattle on the wooded surface, buzzing with insistence while Touka's profile picture came to view. Picture that, for some strange reason, appeared to be way more terrifying than what he remembered it to be.

«...hello?», he quickly picked up, unwilling to make his friend angrier than...  
«I thought it happened something to you! You dipshit!»  
...well, so much for trying not to anger her.

«...I...I'm so sorry Tou...»  
«There was a storm, Haise. With flooding sand blackouts. And I couldn't reach you.», she continued, her voice sharp against his left ear.  
«I'm sorry...I...I had a fever.»  
«And you have a phone!»  
«I have forgotten it at home.»  
«Your memory is just fine!», she rightfully reminded him, knowing all too well how capable he was of memorizing numbers and mails.  
«...I'm sorry, I was in no condition to remember such a thing. I'm sorry.»  
«Were you at the hospital?», she insisted, with a...was that a sob?  
«No...I...»  
«Were you stuck in a cave?», she mockingly asked, even though it didn't sound accusing as he had initially thought.  
«What? No...of course not...»  
«Then you should have fucking called.», she repeated with a soft voice, not that angry anymore...

...she was crying, sobbing over the phone like she had just overcome a great fright.

Last time he hadn't contacted her, after all, Haise had been captured by a serial killer after all. Of course she would have been upsets not hearing from him in so many days, but for some reason it seemed quite an exaggeration from her part to have such a reaction.

He was fine.  
Even the remembrance of being abducted wasn't so scary anymore.  
It had happened to him at least once already, after all.  
He was fine.

"Touka is exaggerating, there is nothing to fear."  
«...what did you just said to me?», she suddenly asked, her voice ringing too loudly in his ears.  
He had no idea what she was talking about, «I'm sorry...?»  
«So...I am the one exaggerating, ah?», she retorted, livid beyond recognition.

Did he...did he spoke his thoughts without even noticing?

«...there is nothing to fear? I'm the one who should tone it down?», she continued, talking like she was in trance...like she knew those words by heart.  
«Touka, I'm sorry. You...you misunderstood what I wanted to...»  
«Oh, I know what you were trying to say just right.»  
«Please...I...I didn't mean it like that...»  
«...stop it.», she ordered, with a painful tone in her voice, like she was experiencing a migraine.  
«Listen to me, I...»  
«Stop. It.», she repeated, increasingly louder even in her expression of suffering.  
«...I was just about to tell you that...»  
«Kaneki. Would. You. Fucking. Stop?!», she shouted in the end, so hard it made the young man flinch away from the phone.

For some reason, it was like Touka's pain had transferred to Haise, shoving him away in the most horrible way.

It was him, however, who ended the call, scared and numb at the same time.  
He shut the phone, and tossed it on the bed...crouching down beside the closet, rocking himself back and forth while trying to breathe evenly.  
Reminding himself over and over and over again that he was his own person, and that no one could dictate otherwise.

That he was Haise Sasaki, not Touka's past lover...never her lost significant other.  
That he was his kids' newfound parent, not their actual miserable fathers or neglecting mothers.  
That he often was someone who preferred to be called Sasako, not an actual girl.  
That he sometimes was a person called Yami, not really a good human being in the first place.  
That he was Haise...not Shiro Yasuhisa anymore.  
That he will always be Haise...not Ken.

Never Ken, the abused child.

He was fine...he was fine...he was fine...he was...he...he...

Someone touched his right shoulder and he flinched away once again, covering his head with his left arm in self defense. He couldn't see clearly, for tears had begun blinding his field of vision, but he could hear the soft humming of a song coming from some music device. Blinking away the tears, still shielding himself with both arms, Haise looked from under his elbows in search of whoever had made an appearance in his room...

...he saw a black tank top, tennis shoes, and a earphone dangling from that someone's right shoulder.

Urie's voice came in a whisper before Haise could understand what was happening.  
«...was that Kirishima? On the phone, I mean...», he asked, crouched down in front of his mentor, talking quietly, «Did she say something awful to you?»

Haise rose his gaze on the kid, scared of his presence but infinitely happy to have him finally talking again. The boy seemed tired, his expression heavy with unspoken thoughts and difficult feelings to deal with. He was sitting on his heels, balancing himself on the ball of his feet with both arms leaning on the knees, mindlessly twisting the hanging earphone between his right fingers. His gaze was lowered, unable to meet Haise's careful one.  
For as buff as he had become, Urie had never looked more small and at loss in front of his guardian.

Right there and then, however, Haise was suddenly reminded of Doctor Shiba and how much he needed to talk to him about...but the stopped in the middle of his track of thoughts as soon as he remembered that he had –indeed– already met with the man.  
At Arima's...when he was seemingly unconscious...he had...he had lost his chance to speak to the old man...he...he...

«I've failed you...», was all that could escape Haise's mouth, while his eyes tried to focus on his kid, all to no avail, «I have failed you so many times...I failed...I failed...I can't do anything but fail...», he kept on saying, clutching at the hair with his left hand. Pulling and hitting again and again.

Urie frowned at that, leaning forward toward his guardian, apparently worried for him...but when he rose a hand in his direction, the young man in front of him flinched away once more, closing his eyes as if he could protect himself from yet a new blow.

«...no.», the kid quietly said, waiting for Haise's reaction before standing up.  
But when it became clear that his mentor couldn't stop shivering in front of him, Urie walked back to the door.

And all that could be heard from him, before he disappeared from sight, was a single, aching whisper.  
«...it's me who failed all of you.»

*

Haise's only response to that overwhelming morning should have been a good cry...but he had searched throughout his room instead.

Bed, closet, drawers, shelves...he looked for his red pills everywhere, desperate to uncap that container and gulp down his feelings one by one. As soon as Urie had left, the young man had rushed toward the door to close it and began his quest. Unfortunately, by the end of the afternoon, all he could find was the courage to admit defeat...surrounded by trash and pillows and sheets, while sitting in the middle of his room.

Tired, angry, and deeply unhappy.

He really couldn't remember where in the world did he left his illegal stash.  
Nor did he noticed the time passing over him like a passing cloud blown away by the wind.

And he knew...he knew he should have followed Urie instead, now that the kid had finally...finally reached out to him. But Haise couldn't bear to think about it, not then nor now. Too engrossed in his displeasure towards his mind to actually care. Consequences be damned...he needed those pills.

But someone must have hidden them away from him.  
Surely.

He rose on shaky legs before walking slowly to the door, opening it with a harsh movement of his left hand.  
He stepped out of his room, looking at his surroundings with a rapacious gaze, silently cracking his left knuckles.

And he was going to raid the entire house, even the kids' rooms if necessary, crazy with anger and brimmed with anxiety...when a phone began to rang. Looking around in search for the provenience of that annoying sound, Haise found himself to be too startled to actually ignore the fact and move on with his initial plan.

He began hyperventilating just at the thought of having been caught in the middle of his malicious intent, and when he finally was able to locate said phone, he discovered it was the landline...and he couldn't possibly answer that call. He had rarely been able to in the last six months, at least.

The kids were probably away, thinking better than disturbing him during the afternoon, so there was no one around to answer the...

«This is the Sasaki Household, please leave a message after the...well, you certainly know the drill! Have a nice day!», the answering service spoke, spooking Haise to death, making him crumble on the floor under all that pressure he had endured until then.

He couldn't even recognize his own voice from three years ago.  
That happy-go-lucky person wasn't him...it had never been.

After the acoustic signal, however, a familiar voice made its way into the living room, catching once again Haise's attention toward the coffee table, where the phone was sitting undisturbed. And it was then, and only then, that the young man could relax.  
For he was glad he hadn't answered the call...that _she_ had made.

«Hi everyone, it's me.», Akira said with a tired tone, making Haise cringe in response.  
She really was the last person on Earth he wanted to have something to do with at the moment.

«I'm sorry for the intrusion, but you're all probably out right now.», she continued, her voice still relaxing to his ears...in the most frustrating way. Soothing and caring...so false he wanted to puke, that was the level of disgust he had reached.

«I just wanted to remind all of you of a couple of things. First of all, there will be a found raising at the headquarters for the project for peculiar children...so Kotarou and I are going to be there with the girls, since they have been chosen as the foster home representatives and they will thank the donors. It would be wonderful for you guys to participate as well...as a way to finally meet the twins, you know?», she hinted, not that enthusiastic about the prompt, although clearly determined to satisfy what had probably been the girls' wish to be formally introduced to Haise's kids.

The young man, still unable to walk given his feeble condition, slithered to the sofas nearby the coffee table, dragging himself with the only aid of his left arm and hips. But when he finally reached the phone...his first instinct was to end the call and throw the device on the floor.

Even more so when Akira's voice pierced silence once again.  
«It's this Saturday, the sixth. And...Haise?», she addressed him, startling the young man, «You can bring a plus-one if you want. And everyone please behave and dress up properly...there will be important people attending the party.»

"For once she didn't joke about me having a date", he mentally snarled, actually grateful he didn't have to directly face all of that pressure by answering the call.

«...and, about the other thing...I wanted all of you to know I'm sorry my maternity leave put you in a difficult situation. But I found a new therapist for you.», she suddenly revealed, catching Haise's attention with no distress from his part, «He's a friend of mine, and his name his Taishi Fura. He had just returned from his own paternity leave...a little too in advance if I have to be honest with you. But I trust him entirely and I would love for you to contact him as soon as possible. Maybe separately at first, just to see what he's like, and then to schedule an appointment.»

She then gave the number, before greeting everyone and sending her love.  
Haise was ready to disconnect the device, when Akira's voice reached him once again.  
Pushing him downwards even more.

«...and, mmh...Haise? Call me sometime, will you?», she asked, heaving a deep breath b fore hanging up.

And that that point he could not deny it anymore.  
He needed Touka.  
And he needed her now.

*

He had left a message to the kids on the kitchen counter, telling them he was fine and that he was sorry for not meeting with all of them after his return from Arima's. He assured them he would be back the next morning, asking them to listen to Akira's message to schedule an appointment with Doctor Fura.

It was Thursday night, the day before Touka's weekend-shift was bound to snatch her away from him, so he had been sure to find her at home...but when he had arrived, around dinner time, he had found that she wasn't there.

And he proceeded to spend six to seven hours outside her apartment door, with canned coffee in hand and a flimsy jacket to cover himself with.

No one disturbed him, since most of Touka's neighbors didn't have to leave their home at night, but his kids sent him multiple messages in his voicemail...to which he didn't answered if not by using just a couple of words at best. Urie had been the first to announce that he had talked with the new therapist, and Ginshi had joined him soon after, while Saiko and Tooru didn't actually wrote to him about that...sending Haise anxious messages, asking him when he would return home.

He had even found a text from Arima, telling him their next session would be scheduled for Monday the eight. But Haise couldn't even look at that message without feeling his eyes watering up.

So he persisted in waiting for Touka instead.  
Determined to actually listen to Koori's advice for once in his life...and spend time with someone who cared for him deeply.  
Angry or not, Touka had to come back home and listen to him.  
She had to...otherwise she'll never...she...

«...Haise?», a small and tired voice caught his attention, effectively stopping him from hitting his head again and again with the empty can.

The young man rose his head first, surprised to see Touka in her dancing attire.

She was wrapped up in a long lightweight gray duster, with high heels at her...at her swollen and red feet. Haise had a hard time looking away from the sight of her feet, trying to figure out how in the world had she been able to walk in such conditions, when the young woman rushed in his direction, crouching down in order to embrace him tightly...before getting a hold of herself and pulling away from him.

She seemed at loss in front of him, struggling to find the right words to say, diverting her gaze to avoid eye contact.

«I'm...I'm so sorry for what had happened this morning.», she finally said, anxious to convey her feelings at the best of her abilities, «I didn't mean to say those horrible things to you...of course you couldn't call me with a fever. And you can do anything you want...you...you don't have to explain yourself to me...you don't owe me anything and I don't want you to think that I tried to manipulate you or something...I was...I was just...»

Her nervous and agitated little speech was promptly cut off by Haise's lips, which had begun to gently kiss her forehead effectively stopping her from voicing her self-hating thoughts. He then hugged her as lightly as he could, still sitting on the doormat of Touka's apartment.

«...who's that fucker who mistook your apprehension for manipulation?», he suddenly asked with fondness, carefully freeing his friend's feet from those painful shoes, «Who's the one who made you believe your feelings weren't worthy of consideration?», he continued, positioning Touka on his lap in order to massage her swollen ankles and toes with his left hand, watching her frowning in pain.

«Who's the bastard I have to kill for forcing you to doubt so much in yourself?», he concluded, resting his head in the crook of her shoulder, right under her chin.

She began stroking his hair with both hands, putting her trembling mouth on top of his head without actually kissing him.  
«...I'm afraid that would be my brain.», she laughed with no glee in her voice, staring at her door, standing tall behind Haise's back.

«Are you sure no one had ever put that idea in that wonderful brain of yours?», he quietly considered, dwelling in the warmth of that embrace in the middle of nowhere. She didn't say anything for a minute or so, and he waited in silence with her.  
«It's pretty hard to say...», she finally admitted, enjoying Haise's cold hands on her feet, caressing his head still.  
Grounding them both with her caring touch alone.  
«...it's pretty hard for me to distinguish myself from others like that.»

At Haise's question to explain herself, Touka's only response was to rise from the ground and wait for him to do the same.  
Although, something on the back of his mind suggested him the solution as soon as they entered the apartment.

...mimicking others' reactions or emotions, strong empty towards people dear to her, fear of being manipulative and a burden to others.

"Fear of losing someone important for her.", he finally thought, looking at her with newfound concern.

The idea that Touka...his dear beautiful Touka could suffer from BPD or some other personality disorder froze him on the spot.

Because he had never noticed.  
Because he had never actually listened to her.  
Because he had completely forgotten about what she had revealed to him.

"Mental illness runs in the family...her mother as well...Touka had told me all of this."  
And yet he had been able to actually overlook all the signs and neglecting all the evidence at hand...what kind of lawyer was he?!  
What kind of friend, too...?

«...Haise? Is something wrong?», she asked while untying the belt that kept her light coat in place.

He had never actually seen her, and blinded by her smiles he had never saw the depths of her pain. How many times had he said something hurtful to her, how many words, how many days? How many of his inconsiderate gestures had forced her to quietly withdraw from their relationship in fear of rejection?

Touka frowned at him, looking from underneath her bangs with tired eyes, «...Haise?»  
He moved, silently in the shadows, searching for her gaze...looking at her pale figure barely showing through the darkness of the room. He had tried to turn on the light, but no lamp or bulb came to life, being probably burned down a long time prior to that day.

The only light showering onto the young woman was the one seeping through the curtains, green and coarse like it was reflecting some sort of illness onto Touka's skin.

Haise slowly sneaked his left hand into her coat and hold her firmly to his chest, pressing that trembling hand on the small of her back. And she seemed distraught, but not quite surprised, like she was expecting something like that from him...but hoped for him to never actually act on those wishes.

However, as soon as he began kissing her jaw and neck, Touka relaxed under his touch and inhaled deeply through her nostrils, letting him press their bodies together. And Haise's vague attempts to undress her only with his left hand didn't made her mock him or reprimand his intentions. Nor did she tried to stop him from awkwardly guiding them onto her mattress on the ground. She did nothing but stare at him even when they found themselves on the makeshift bed, watching Haise worship her body with open-mouth kisses and soft moans.

But, for as much as she was trying to enjoy that kind of initiative from his part, it was clear she wasn't into it.  
Or, at least, it should have been clear for Haise at least...  
...if only he could notice something like that.

And before he could reach her inner thighs, Touka had to physically stop him from proceeding forward by pulling at his hair, earning a sudden and unexpected moan from the young man. The both of them were surprised by that sound escaped from Haise's lips, but said nothing on the matter.

For the first time since they had entered the apartment, Haise was finally able to see her disapproving and sad expression.  
But couldn't feel a single thing about it nonetheless.

«...you're not here, Haise.», she quietly murmured, gently patting his hair now that he had calmed down, guiding his head on her lap instead of letting him touch her intimate parts, «Come back to me...come back, Haise.»

At first, her words didn't make sense at all, since he was there with her and she needed some cheering up.  
But when he tried to voice his thoughts on the matter...he couldn't even move his jaws, let alone his lips.

Suddenly, fear began spreading through his veins, but gradually at that...reaching his fingers...those fingers he wasn't able to recognize as his own anymore. His left hand was pushing down Touka's right leg, spreading it further in order for him to eat her up. His right one was left astray somewhere behind her back, not even in sight from Haise's point of view. But those weren't his hands, and that wasn't his body.

He wasn't that person...those weren't his actions...  
...and those weren't his words.

« _...why?_ », said the voice, unmistakably his own...but someone else's at the same time.

«Haise. You're not here with me right now. I need you to come back.», his dearest friend continued, caressing his cheeks while sitting up without trapping his head in between her thighs, «This feels weird, I want to stop...I need you to stop.»

« _But...why?_ », the voice kept saying, even if Haise knew in the back of his mind that he was deeply dissociating right in front of Touka.  
He kind of...understood that he was so...so far gone at that very moment...so much he couldn't even...even think about it.

«...because I don't want to have sex with you.»  
« _Aren't...you...sad?_ », the voice asked, vaguely childish and annoyingly repetitive.  
Touka didn't say anything for a moment, her eyes wide, her mouth agape.

« _...you'll feel...better if I...if I...do...what you need me...to...do._ »  
Still no response from her, a part from a thin veil of horror covering her entire face.

« _You...you'll love me if...if I give you...what you need...to...to be...happy._ »  
Haise began silently weeping on her lap, holding her tight and close to his cheek, her firm abdomen warm and wet with his tears.  
« _...I'll be...I will be a good...b-boy...I...I promise...I swear..._ »

He kept staring at her from under his long lashes, muffling painful words on her sweating skin.

« _So don't...don't...hurt...don't...hurt..._ »  
«...who...who taught you that, H-Haise?», she asked, shaking with the force of her fear.

But only few of his words were actually able to reach her ears.  
And they scared her enough to shook the young woman out of her stupor.  
« _...parent...my...my parent._ »

In front of him, suddenly Touka began crying, but not long enough for her to stop caressing his hair. She forced a smile so wide it was actually painful for him to watch. She closed the gap between them and kissed again and again the top of his head, embracing him around the neck to lift him up to her eye level.

Her irises were purple, not gray as he had always thought.  
Galaxies in which he wouldn't mind to be lost into.

«Haise...we're not having sex. I don't need anything to be happy right now...a part from your company.», she said in a determined voice, smiling still.  
That...that didn't sound right...but she seemed so...so sure about it.  
So much it could be the truth...perhaps.

«We're not having sex...but we should try something different, shall we?», she asked, waiting for his response.  
Watching him closely until he finally... _finally_ nodded his head.

Letting her be in charge for the time being.

*

Touka's bathtub was barely large enough for the both of them, but it suited Haise just fine.

It had taken at least half an hour for him to regain his perception of reality, but the quiet time he had spent with Touka in the meantime had been completely worthwhile. A light-blue reflection was coming from the small window nearby the bathtub by the time the water had gone lukewarm, but their shared body heat was keeping them comfortable enough to chill with no problems at all.

After a while they had begun chatting about nothing in particular: Touka's premenstrual breast pain, her intention to get a tattoo on her back, Haise's dislike for scented candles, his sweet tooth slowly replaced by a sudden need for savory stuff...these sorts of things.

However, at some point Touka had begun dozing off, resting the back of her head on Haise's chest while heaving a huge sigh. In response to that, the young man simply rubbed his left hand on her belly, knowing that such a gesture would have been more than enough for Touka to relax under his touch.

That moment shared between them wasn't as sexual as much as it was intimate: after Touka had denied her consent to go anywhere further for the night, Haise had felt somewhat relieved to have been freed from that sort of expectation from his part. He could simply relax and cuddle with her without feeling the need to please her sexually or romantically.

They could just be there, comfortable with each other to the point of being naked without repercussions.  
It was comforting, to say the least.

...it didn't make him feel like a piece of meat, for once.

«Talk to me.», he suddenly asked, still tired after the dissociative experience, rubbing his forehead on Touka's right temple.  
«About what?», she enquired without opening her eyes.  
«Your night, your thoughts...anything really.», he insisted, caressing her neck with his lisp, not even kissing her for real.

She considered something for a minute or two, fussing over her manicured nails before passing wet fingers through her hair, recently dyed grey but already in need of a root job. He had never seen her with her hair slicked back, but marveled once again at her beauty once her face had been completely revealed.  
Unplucked eyebrows, some old acne scars on the right half of her forehead, pointed nose, and everything else.

Relaxed in his embrace, Touka had never been more beautiful.  
And he cherished her deeply.

«...there is this guy at work.», she began, mindlessly tossing her left hand over the bathtub edge, letting her skin dripping wet onto the floor underneath, «My boss told me he was someone of a certain importance and that he needed some cheering up. He's not supposed to pay for my services but only for the room we use, and I don't get paid when I'm with him. My boss assured me it would be only for a short amount of time...and she and her supervisor are helping me by lending me some money, but we have to be careful none of the other dancers hear anything about it. They will make my life impossible, if they were to know I get paid in advance.»

She paused, probably waiting for Haise to speak his mind on the matter.  
But he had nothing to say, and so she continued.

«I dance for him but...that's it. He doesn't want me to do anything else for him. I tried to fake interest in him...I flirted with purpose in order to make him pay for the extra attention. But as soon as I speak he leaves.», she finally revealed, pressing her fingers together as if to smoother out the dried skin, «It's been at least two weeks since the first time. He's been a regular since then and I...I was ordered to work every night of the week since then, not only during the weekends.»

That would have explained her absence during a Thursday night, but judging from her tone...that experience must have been rough on her.

«Raves and parties are usually thrown at the end of the week in the underground district, but during the week the VIP rooms are occupied by Big Mama's girls and their patrons...and now me. He's my only regular now, the others are instructed to go home as soon as he arrives. I dance non-stop every night for five hours straight in front of him, with no breaks...not even for drinking something.»

From his position, Haise could barely see Touka's feet under water, but he remembered how swollen do and red they had been when they had met in front of her apartment. And she must have been drinking on her way home, or maybe someone had given her a bottle underground, since she never dared to drank even a glass of water from their arrival.

Now that he noticed...she seemed even more tired than usual.

But her determined gaze was still in place when she continued her story, her left fingers flexing and clenching in rhythm with her heartbeat under Haise's Palm on her stomach.

«I didn't want my uncle to worry, so every morning after my shift I kept working at the café, and after that I had to study for my summer exams, and then I had to go back to my job in the underground. I kept at it for a couple of days...but I was constantly falling asleep in the back of the shop and one of my colleagues told my uncle. Renji knows that I work underground, but when I explained to him the situation he wanted me to quit my other job.»

«But you can't quit...because if you anger that person, if he's really such a big shot...», he chimed in, waiting for her to nod in his direction or something...but no reassuring smile came his way. Only a feeble, quiet, noncommittal sound was able to escape her lips before pausing for a moment.

During that brief pause, however, Haise's mind could do nothing but listening to his many doubts and questions, echoing through his brains like desperate keeps of sorrow and grief.

"Why didn't you say anything to me?"  
"Don't you think I could have helped?"  
"Don't you trust me, Touka?"  
"...why am I not enough for you?"

Over and over again those words infested his thoughts like ghosts and evil spirits haunting the ruins of his skull, spiraling in and out of his brain folds like snakes or worms fearing on some decomposing body.

But as soon as she began to speak once again, Haise was luckily able to detach himself from those many voices inside his head.  
And he listened closely to her words in order to forget about those terrible lies his brain was telling him.

«My uncle pays me at the café, but I keep that money for my sister Hina...so that she can go to university as well next year. Hina doesn't know that I work as a pole dancer during the nights...I never told her. We've lived here for two years at least, but she never asked. «Usually it was just during the weekends, so I told her I liked to meet new people and have fun...I had a pretty bad reputation already, so it wasn't that strange for me to say that. Two years ago she began dating as well, so she usually spent the weekends at her boyfriend's...but now...»

«...but now things have changed, uh?», he asked, kissing her right temple from behind, glad she didn't pull back this time, «What did you told her?»

She paused a bit before proceeding, diverting her eyes as soon as he tried to meet her gaze by hugging her tightly from behind.  
«That I have a boyfriend now, and that I like to see him everyday.», she finally confessed, probably ashamed of what the young man could think of her.

It wasn't like Touka had said nothing wrong or horrible to her sister...  
...but since they had never discussed their relationship in the first place, it was clear that she feared Haise's reaction to hearing the explanation Touka had given her sister in the first place. As a matter of fact, Haise had tried to understand her intentions on the subject at least a couple of times already...but the young woman had insisted for them to not label their friendship yet.

And so he never did.

However, for as surprising as it had been, Haise didn't though any less of his friend for lying, nor for using him as an excuse for her behavior.  
He silently asked her to go on with her story, pressing his left cheek to her right ear and rubbing his only functioning hand on her hips.  
Reassuring her that everything was fine and that he wasn't angry with her.

She nodded quietly to herself, suppressing the tears she so desperately needed to shed.  
But she held on to him even more than before, burying her head under his chin.

«She left at the end of the month, angry at me for not telling her before. And she's now living with her boyfriend, because she's fed up with my bullshit and...and she told me that...that I should welcome you here since...since I didn't want her around!», Touka said in disbelief, clearly still in denial of what her sister must have thought of her after such change in her behavior.

When he had entered the apartment, Haise had been too far gone to notice any difference in his surroundings...but if he were to walk outside the bathroom in that very moment, he would have probably noticed the absence of the second mattress on the ground, or how fewer dresses were hanging down the racks nearby the south window. He was very fond of that place, crumbling green paint on the wall and everything...

...but for Touka that must have been less and less of a home, now that his sister wasn't living in there anymore.

«Can you pay rent?», he asked, already with a plan on its way.  
«...with the money Miza gives me? No...Hina works part time for a newspaper after school, but I always told her to save her earnings for the Journalism Faculty. My underground job was just enough to pay for my college fees at Kami, the groceries, and the rent. But now...now I can eat, and that's it.»

Perfect. That was settled then.  
But what about her boss and her position in the underground...he had to know.  
He had to know in what danger she was exactly, otherwise...Haise wasn't sure to be able to do what he had in mind.

She was too proud and strong to accept such working conditions with no qualms at all. And even if she was a young woman entitled to her sexual life and choices in life, Haise knew she wasn't the type to actually work for little pay and no rights over her performance. Dancing so many hours without water or rest wasn't something she would have signed up for if she were to chose a better option.  
Something was off...and he had to know about it.

«Why did you begin working down there?»

She seemed surprised and vaguely offended by that question, to which she shrugged her shoulders and hastily responded with a scornful remark.  
«I already told you. It used to pay well.»  
«Touka...»  
«Why does that have anything to do with...»  
«Touka, please.»

She was on the verge of hitting her fist onto the bathtub edge, but right before she could smash her hand on the wet surface...she flexed her fingers open and claimed herself down a bit. She was upset and uncomfortable, but the young woman had told him many times how she had been able to overcome the anger issues that had in part ruined her adolescence. And she was showing him just that...right in front of him.

She had stopped herself before doing something she might have regretted doing.  
And he was so, so, so...so proud of her for this.

Touka rose from her seat, dripping water down her spine and limbs, and stepped out of the bathtub to seat on its edge, probably in need of some space to herself. Haise didn't try to follow her, leaning back on the wall instead, watching her carefully as if she was a rare animal ready to fight.  
And when she opened her mouth to speak yet another time, the young man knew she was dissociating in front of him.  
He knew how difficult it was for her to reveal such hurtful things.  
He knew...but did nothing to shook her out of her oblivion.

Sometimes, he thought, it was for the best to not feel at all.  
Sometimes it was a good thing to be detached from the past.

So he listened to her speaking, with no interruptions on his part, looking at her swaying back and forth on her seat, ready to catch her in case she were to lose balance while dissociating. In case she were to lose her senses out of sorrow and exhaustion.

«My brother used to be part of a gang when he was really young. He's twenty-four now, but ten years ago he worked for awful people. He was able to quit eight years ago, but they didn't like one bit his departure from the group...and certainly didn't want him to talk. A couple of them came to Renji's old work place and asked him to pay for sparing my brother. They were just having fun with us, but my uncle paid...and paid...and paid until five years ago. Until I had enough.

«I proposed myself as a compensation for my brother's safety. They agreed, assuring me I would have granted them a lot of money and that they would have left my family alone. An acquaintance of Renji helped me and in a couple of years I was able to get the weekend shift secured. Big Mama didn't want an underage girl in her group, so Miza took me as one of her dancers. Renji discovered it pretty soon, since no one was asking him for money anymore, and he got angry at me. But I was fine with it...and he offered me to stay with him and Hinami...and Ayato.

«But I couldn't live with my uncle for long...he's never judged me, but I couldn't bear the idea that he was beating himself up for it. The money were loads thanks to the regulars who paid me extras right and left, and I could still work at the café and attend my classes at Kamii. I got this place and Hina followed me, telling me she wanted to take me company even if I wanted my independence...»

A lone tear rolled down her left cheek, letting Haise know the worst had passed and that he was now allowed to interrupt her without scaring her off. He stepped out of the bathtub as well, sitting down next to her without actually touching her.

They stared at the sink in front of them for a while, enjoying the sensation of the first sun rays coming through the window and gently caressing their skin.  
The young man waited for her to clam down before asking her about her brother, that boy named Ayato...to Haise's understanding.  
She breathed in and out multiple times before answering.  
Her eyes filled with grief and remorse.

«He doesn't know. He never knew about our uncle's situation either...and Ayato began living alone as soon as he hit his twenties. He's working many part time jobs at once to buy a bigger house.», she confessed, probably envisioning her brother's face in her mind, before shaking her head and retrieve her speech.

«...and...by the way...Hinami is not my real sister, but she's an orphan and we took her in without the government noticing because Ayato and I grew up with her. She was our neighbors's only daughter. We lived in a very poor neighborhood, but the government was interested in us kids only if we were exceptionally gifted...and none of us were at the time. Certainly, Hina wasn't...at nine years old she could barely read because she never attended school at that age.», she concluded with a small smile, like she was making fun of the system instead of mourning her situation.

At that point, Haise knew for sure Touka had come back to him in all her sassy and sarcastic glory. And he kissed the top of her head, earning a small sigh of contentment from her part before standing up in search of something to dry them off.

«Let's go to sleep. And tomorrow we'll talk about your moving plans.»  
For as confused as Touka was, her dumbfounded expression was still able to make him smile.  
His mind was set now, there was nothing she could do to stop him.  
And, confused or not, she was going to do as she was told.

«You're going to stay with me.», he said, as a matter of fact, «And Hinami and even your brother Ayato will join as soon as you will be able to settle your problems.», he concluded, meeting her incredulous expression with a tender smile.

«I'm not...I'm not going to live with you just because...just because...»  
«Yes you are. I'm not taking away your independence, and I know full well that you can take care of yourself.», he reassured her, bundling her up in the biggest towel he could find, «But these are scary people you are dealing with...so you'll need some help.»

She tried to make excuses, muttering and blabbing on and on about how she didn't want to be a burden for him...but he would have had nothing of it.  
He gently took her hands in his left one, letting his right arm hanging aimlessly in front of him while slightly crouching down to her level.

«I work for the government, Touka.», he declared, hurt to see her flinching away at that, «I never told you this out loud, but you're smart enough to have gathered that much from looking at my house. I'm only twenty-six, but I live with four kids in a huge house with two guest rooms and four bathrooms. You know I'm a lawyer, and that my many friends you have met at Tanabata work for the government, so you do the math.»

She began tearing up at that, probably feeling like a little girl with no power over the adults' decisions.  
However, for as painful as it was for him to do this to her, Haise had to continue for her wellbeing.

«Does your boss know where you live?»  
«...no.», she finally conceded, lowering her gaze while shaking her head in denial, «She always contacted me by cellphone, and if her supervisor has something to tell me he usually meet with my uncle if I'm not around.»  
«Then they will never know that you moved.», he insisted, now perfectly at eye level with her, resting his forehead on hers, «...and don't you dare ask me what I think you're thinking, Touka.», he reprimanded her, waiting for her to look at him.

Her eyes filled with tears, teeth mulling on white lips, trembling chin, and shaking shoulders.  
She had been waiting all this time to hear someone saying that she was worth of any sacrifice.  
But Haise was ready to do twice as much in order to keep her safe from harm.

«You're my family as well. Of course I'm doing this because I love you.», he said, kissing her cheek lightly.  
There...people of the same kin, ready to fight for each other no matter what.

That's what they had always been.

*

Understandingly, the next day Touka explained to him that she wanted to wait.

She insisted on wait in case Hinami were to return home, and she voiced her worries about Haise's kids being against her moving in. The young man promised her to thoughtfully discuss the matter with his family, revealing to her that he had to talk with the kids' new therapist first.

He assured her he would never disclose her business to a stranger, but he had to ask the consultant about possible risks of welcoming someone else in a house full of damaged people.  
This led to the difficult subject of Urie's particular condition, Tooru's sadness, Saiko's guilt, and Ginshi's hopelessness.  
At that, the young woman tried to distance herself from the situation, telling Haise she didn't want to be a burden for the kids...but her desperation betrayed her with heavy tears rolling down her cheeks at the thought of being left alone.  
Haise embraced her tightly and suggested to get some breakfast first.

They wandered the streets hand in hand, until they found themselves in a small pastry shop.  
And they stayed there until Touka's smiling lips were covered in icing sugar.

As soon as Haise had left her in her apartment once again, the young man made an effort to call Doctor Fura to schedule an appointment.  
Walking toward the train station, Haise couldn't believe that he had actually called someone on the phone even with his crippling anxiety...but his initial positive reaction was soon to be crushed under the weight of the Doctor's words.

As soon as the man on the other side of the phone introduced himself, Haise's brain blacked-out and his mouth forgot how to work. Doctor Fura asked once again who was talking, but once again the young man wasn't capable of explaining himself...he had even stopped in the middle of the pavement, so great was his fear.

People began shoving him slightly while walking next to him and surpassing his unmoving figure, probably questioning his sanity given his strange behavior. But even if Haise's head was becoming dizzy he had...he _had_ to speak...  
...and so he did.

After introducing himself with heavy and quick breaths, he calmly explained the situation, asking the Doctor to meet with him first, before scheduling an appointment with his kids. He was even able to move again, his steps guided by the confidence he had been lacking in quite a while.

Doctor Fura cheerfully responded to his request with a list of possible dates, stating that he was free that very morning and that he had no qualms in meeting with him right then.

However, from the prolonged silence on the young man's part, the new therapist seemed to sense his distress and consequently suggested to see each other during next Saturday morning...to which Haise gladly agreed.

He ended the call right after stepping inside the train, amazed by everything that had just happened.  
He hadn't been able to make a call to a stranger in months, and he smiled...

...even if his left hand was still trembling slightly at the thought.

*

Taishi Fura was a man of action, as he had described himself as soon as they were able to meet, the day after Haise had called him.

The man looked strangely familiar...but it was difficult for the young man to recall where they might have met before.

However, their official first meeting had been quite the encounter indeed...after deciding to schedule their appointment at Fura's office in his apparent, a chaotic place full of pictures of his family and his daughter's many toys.

For instance, they had met in the living room while Doctor Fura was rocking back and forth his little girl in a desperate attempt to lull her to sleep. At some point, Haise had had to physically take the toddler from his hands in order to calm her down, patting her small back until she had fallen asleep.

Then, the mysterious Taishi Fura had smiled, revealing his intention to witness Haise's reaction when faced with a problematic solution concerning a child.

That, as Doctor Fura had explained, was his method of working with dysfunctional families: watching their members interact with each other.

At first, the young man had simply deemed his declaration as a mere and pitiful attempt to cover the fact that he had been incapable of calming down his own daughter. However, by the end of the appointment, he had had to reconsider his initial assumption, given the many and frequent occurrences Fura had been more than capable of getting the girl to sleep with quick and simple gestures. This, as many other things he had noticed about the man, was what had made the therapist trustworthy in Haise's eyes.

Fura was a good looking man nearing his forties, passionately in love with his workaholic of a wife, and maybe a little too comfortable with the idea of sharing his deepest and darkest secrets to a mere stranger during their first encounter.

He had talked about his criminal experiences as a teenager, dramatizing the story just to the point of being funny but not less believable. And he had described in detail how he had been able to overcome his aggressive tendencies by joining the baseball team at the university, where he had been enrolled against his will by his family. His increasingly deepening love for psychology, together with his then-girlfriend-now-wife's support and a long lasting friendship with who had been his tutor at the time, was what had made him realize his dearest dream.

The entire story had taken about ten minutes of their time, given Fura's ability to talk fast enough for him to get get to the point. Then, they had discussed about Haise's kids and their many problems, focusing their attention on possible solutions instead of highlighting the negative aspects of their situation.

Doctor Fura's approach was...very different from Arima's one.

Or even from Akira's, so say the least.

While the first had always been stoic, serious, and consistently refraining from sharing his personal life with Haise (up until recently, to tell the truth), and the second had never ceased to do her job by analyzing any subject at hand like they were fascinating specimen under her professional care, Taishi Fura had revealed himself to be...on a completely different level from them.

Messy, vaguely charming, dramatic, serious but self-deprecatingly at that.  
He was utterly perfect for the kids.

And once he had found himself going back to the Chateau that Saturday morning, Haise had been incapable of schooling his smile for the rest of the day.

*

However, if Mucchan and Saiko had been happy to see him home in one piece just the previous day –after the days he had been missing at Arima's place–, as soon as the young man had arrived that Saturday morning to give them the good news...his two younger kids had begun stressing over Haise's approval of Fura as their new therapist.

And while Ginshi had reacted positively to the prompt, and Urie had quietly accepted the fact, Tooru had tired to convince his mentor to cancel their first session...while Saiko had simply lowered her gaze in silence, waiting to speak her mind.

But the young man had been irremovable on that point: the lot of them of the Sasaki Household were bound to meet with said therapist at his apartment by the end of the upcoming week.

Contrary to Haise's expectations, however, they had to discuss that at midday, when the discussion presented itself once again.

And they had to do so while starving to death, because Naoto and his assistants were working on their scalps...with no intention of letting them go. Truth to be told, Haise was able to barely address the new wave of worries from his kids' part...when he had noticed the hairstylist presence in his entrance hall. And, after that, he had been dragged to the service restroom by one of the man's many assistants so fast he didn't even had time to think properly.

Apparently, after hearing Akira's message on the phone the previous evening, Saiko had had the brilliant idea to schedule an appointment with the man...who unfortunately had barely enough free time to satisfy their needs. So they had decided to meet at the Chateau right before lunch, without Haise's permission nor any kind of fee negotiation.  
And so...there they were, talking about their imminent therapy session while skilled hands tried to tame their mop of a hair.

Saiko had cut hers short right above her shoulders, way too attached to her silky dyed strands to even take in consideration getting back to her natural color. But she had agreed on toning it down to a light-blue instead, until she had been able to achieve a hue very similar to what Touka's one used to be.

Ginshi didn't need much work on his head, being a natural red head...but he had gladly agreed to have his head massaged just for the sake of it.

Mucchan had opted for a fresh cut after getting back to his natural hair color, a soft brown reflecting sun rays on the top of his head. He had been unsure about the all thing, probably trying to avoid any changes in his appearance because of his current insecurities, but Naoto had done such a wonderful job with him that the kid couldn't stop smiling at his reflection.

And Urie...well. He had dyed it black, no more purple undertones for him. His new undercut was so sharp it could have been unprofessional on anyone else, but not on him. However, it had been quite fun to watch him boil in frustration under one of the three blow-driers their guest had temporarily installed in the living room out of nowhere.

Haise, on the other hand, had categorically refused to give in to the temptation of dying his hair white a second time. It had been fun during Law School, it earned him a lot of attention during the days of his hardcore clubbing experiences...but enough was enough. He hadn't resigned himself to dye it black though, asking Naoto to fix it by hiding most of the remaining white strands under layered dark ones.

And he was currently being taken care of by his friend's skilled hands, when Saiko began making a fuss about the all ordeal of the therapy.

«...I don't think it would be necessary for us to go all at the same time to Doctor Fura.», she anxiously said, sitting in front of Haise on the opposite side of the dining table, looking at her now short hair like she had already regretted her choice, «We should go separately at first and then...then...maybe...»

«Ah...so it's Taishi you have to go to.», wondered Naoto in an understanding tone before Haise could respond to Saiko's whining. The man didn't even have to put down his scissors in order to speak, nor did he glanced at the girl in that particular moment, «He's a friend of Hairu, she always talks wonderful things about him and his little girl. He's recently become a father, hasn't he?», he mindlessly enquired, quickly gesturing on of his assistants to change the setting for the dry-blower under which Urie was slowly melting away.

«...does...does he have his office at home?», Tooru casually asked, feigning disinterest at the thought of being in the imminent present of a cute toddler.

«He does, actually. But you should ask Hairu for more info on the matter...she always rambles about how caring and fun Taishi is, or what a great taste in music he has, or how much of a baseball fan he had always been and so on...», Naoto chimed in once again, giving the final touches to Haise's hairstyle.

«She's very passionate about it, in regards of praising the man...oh, and his wife is quite the collector of musical instruments. So their home might be a bit chaotic, if we have to give Hairu's words any credit at all...that is.»

That completely sold the kids to the cause.  
All of them, even the most reluctant ones.

And Haise had to suppress his smile when he glanced back to Naoto, silently thanking him for being so observant and considerate towards his kids.  
The man simply smiled without looking at him, still focused on his task of fixing his client hair at his nape.

«By the way, I hope you'll have a blast tonight. Hairu tells me it's a benefit for your program, isn't it?»  
«You're right, man.», Shirazu quickly answered, enjoying his scalp massage with closed eyelids by the hand of one of Naoto's colleagues, «But it's going to be one hell of a boring night in my opinion. There are going to be speeches from a couple of honor students and so on...everything in order to make the lot of us look good and useful enough to the eyes of the donors.»

«They're going to show us as the trained monkeys we are...that's some shady business let me tell you.», Saiko prompted, now at ease with the idea of the therapy, enough to make jokes and back Ginshi up to his game.

«Well, at least I'm not one of them anymore.», sadly considered Urie, freeing himself from the clutches of that annoying blow-drier to speak, hanging his head low in quiet desperation.

Tooru seemed to be distressed at the sight of his boyfriend so under the weather, but not to the point of reassuring him verbally. He simply reached for him from the armchair he was sitting in, and gently took one of his gloved hands in his left one.  
Something broke in Haise's heart just by looking at them, knowing all too well how hard it had been for them during those months.

Even if Urie hadn't been expelled or anything, the degree board had revoked most of his school credits as soon as they had heard of his substance abuse. They hadn't denied him access to the files he needed for his research, given that his project could actually be of some use for the Statistic Department...but he wasn't at the top of his year anymore.

Ginshi had explained all this to Haise with Urie's approval just the previous night, since the oldest of his kids had been too hurt and embarrassed to voice his problems to their mentor in the first place. Tooru hadn't still find the courage to talk about the hormonal therapy to Haise either, nor had Saiko being able to confront him on the subject of her growing insecurities...but Ginshi had always been there for them, mediating with them separately before talking with Haise about any possible solution.

Mucchan and Saiko didn't actually knew their brother had been snitching on them, but the rest of the Household knew they wouldn't be offended by Shirazu's attempts to help them.

In fact, the kid was helping them still...even now, in front of their guests like nothing had happened.  
«...that's actually a relief, Urie. Otherwise I would be all alone at the table with the NEET and Mucchan...and they're not as sassy as you in regards of insulting the rich people attending this stupid events.»  
«Who's not sassy enough for your taste, Shiragin?»  
«...please. You're not fooling anyone.»  
«At least I'm not loud as you can be while mocking others...top-not boy.»  
«W-what?!?»

Saiko and Ginshi's bantering was effective enough to earn a small laughter out of Mucchan, who tried to cover his mouth before the other two could tease him non-stop. Which actually happened, brother and sister pestering the boy with a toothy grin on their faces, accusing Tooru of pissing his pants in front of everyone. At that point, the kid couldn't refrain himself from laughing anymore...and his cheerful voice echoed through the entire house.  
Urie smile at that sight, silently tightening his grip on his boyfriend's hand.

«...so, Haise. Do you have a date for the night?», Naoto suddenly asked the young man, distracting him from the happy scene he had been marveling at for the last couple of minutes.  
«...a plus-one, you mean?», he hadn't even though about it, not even when Akira had suggested him to think about it in the voicemail.

«Would you perhaps consider Hairu?», the man asked, taking off the silky black apron from Haise's neck and instructing one of his colleagues to sweep the floor in his stead, «Today should have been her third anniversary with her girlfriend, and I would love to cheer her up properly...but the man I'm working for requested my expertise for the night. So I can't simply ditch my boss and buy strawberry ice-cream for the princess to stuff her mouth with.», he finally explained in a condescending and affectionate tone, taking the hand-mirror to let Haise inspect his work from behind.

«Naoto?», said the young man with a smile on his face.  
«Yes?», mindlessly answered the other, so tired he wasn't even looking at his client anymore.  
«There is no mirror in front of me...how am I supposed to see anything on the back of my head?»

The man suddenly looked up, shocked to notice how the younger man had been right in his statement, before lightly hitting his forehead in disbelief.  
«...I'm so sorry Haise. It's been a long week.»  
«Don't worry about it. Your work is worth every penny, I'm sure of it.»  
«In Seul it was even worse...I had to follow my boss every day for twenty hours straight.»  
«We're happy to have you here.», Said Haise as a way to thank him for his hard work...although he was already weeping at the thought of the final bill, «Go take some rest before you have to begin your shift again. And don't worry about Hairu...I'll think of something.»

They walked towards the service toilet nearby Haise's bedroom to see what had happened to the young man's head.  
«Thank you, Haise. Her wound is still fresh, I'm afraid...first loves are the hardest to crush after all.»

That last comment made Haise so numb it actually prevented him from recognizing his reflection on the mirror.  
The kids were happily chatting with Naoto's assistants, background noise subsiding to the power of the young man's thoughts.

"First loves are the hardest to crush...uh?"

« _Yes, you're right Naoto. They sure are._ », said the voice inside his head...  
...using his mouth to speak, and smile on top of all.

*

Everyone that mattered was there, at the top of the CCGS building, overlooking the city from above like ancient gods peeking through the clouds.

Hairu had graciously accepted to be his plus-one for the night, even though the young man had practically asked her out only that afternoon by text message. She had no qualm whatsoever to join him to the party, even more so since she had recently splurged on a very expensive dress and matching shoes that needed some validation in order to be worth the price. Her exposed back caught quite the attention indeed, giving Haise the opportunity to joke with Hairu about all of those gaping mouths while wandering the hall arm in arm.

For the entire time, however, Hairu found appropriate to tease Haise in any possible way in regards of his current...underwear situation.

Given that she would have never accepted to be his date for the night without some sort of entertainment for her enjoyment, that devilish woman had made her appearance on his doorstep that evening with a little present for him.

A very uncomfortable, itchy, black laced, and g-stringed one at that.

«Don't worry dear, I'm not going to ravish you in the gentlemen' restroom.»  
«That's very kind of you...you demon.»  
«Oh, don't make a fuss. I'm sure you would make many people question their preferences if you were to take off your pants right her and now.», she joked, perfectly aware of Haise's discomfort in walking while she took the longest way to reach their table in the main hall.

They sat next to Take and Kuramoto, who complimented them both for being such a elegant couple of show-offs.  
Talking with Hirako about their job was luckily enough for the young man to forget about his uncomfortable situation, even if he kept asking himself why in the world had he accepted to do something so stupid.

He had never revealed out loud to Hairu how he perceived his gender identity, but she seemed to have some sort of radar for those things...even if she had actually been known for her "uncommon" presents way before they had become friends. Rumor had it that even Take had been gifted with some sort of pleasure device...but the man had never addressed those indiscreet accusations in the first place.  
Not that he had denied them either, though.

From their table they couldn't clearly see all of the other guests and, to be fair, they didn't particularly care to gossip about the many investors and partners of their government agency. Haise's kids were bound to arrive at some point, even though they had probably been relocated to another part of the man in hall together with the other kids of the project for peculiar children.

Saiko was most likely chatting with Ui's kids, the lot of them complimenting each other dresses and mocking the rest of the guests' choice in clothing. Ginshi was certainly trying to convince Shinpei to ditch that strict of his aunt to join them at their table even if he wasn't part of the program. Tooru had possibly been caught in the middle of yet another staring contest between his boyfriend and Takeomi Kuroiwa, Urie's eternal nemesis.

Just by imagining his kids having finally some fun outside of the Chateau was enough to make Haise forget all about his problems...at least until he caught a glimpse of one of the tables nearby, where the Mados had been amiably chatting with Koori and Professor Tanakamaru from the Academy.

Even if the young man's had met with Akira on a couple of occasions after the first time she had given him a ride to Arima's, it was always difficult for Haise to actually be able to see her without feeling too distressed by the situation. He didn't exactly know why he had begun feeling that way towards his ex-guardian...but the truth was that he had no need to know.

He mindlessly wondered where her "new" daughters could be, when Hairu caught his eye by putting a hand on his left fingers...that had been rattling non-stop on the table until she had stopped them. She quickly gave him a little squeeze to calm him down before addressing the matter in her usual way...that was to say that she completely avoided the problem by joking about something else entirely.

«My brother told me that he had confessed his little secret to you...», she politely considered while nursing a glass of wine in between her hands, «He actually came barging into my apartment smiling like an idiot, insisting to take me shopping for the entire day.»

In that moment, Haise was painfully reminded of what Koori had told him only a couple of days before, and something akin to displeasure set at the bottom of his stomach at the sight of Hairu's brother smiling broadly at Akira and her husband.

Many "what ifs" and "maybes" began torturing his mind, making him suddenly regret to have never been able to understand Koori's feelings for him during all of those years. In a stable relationship, a Haise would have never wandered the shadows of the underground district, and he certainly wouldn't have met Nimura...or Touka, for instance.

He probably would have never even questioned his identity in the first place, nor he would have been in need for a uber to drive him to Nichōme.  
Torso would have never kidnapped him, and he would have never been instructed by Matsuri to see a psychiatrist.  
If he had been more aware of Ui's intentions toward him, Haise would have never met Arima in the first place.  
And that would have been a great blessing, all things considered.

«Maybe it's better this way, Haise.», Hairu whispered in his ear, probably noticing the way he was looking at her brother from afar, «I suspect you'd be the kind of man breaking hearts left and right, my dear.», she considered, looking quite sad at that time, like she knew exactly what it meant to be a heartbreaker constantly broken on the inside.

Haise lowered his gaze, contemplating the possibility of being such an horrendous boyfriend.

For some strange reason, he couldn't help himself from looking out for Matsuri in the great hall, even if he was only able to recognize his supervisor's father, Yoshitoki, smiling and chatting broadly with a bored and disdained Iyo at the board of directors' table. It was clear the man had been drinking way too much for his own good, but he had always been the type of person able to entertain others without them noticing his state of tipsiness. But soon after focusing his attention to the man, Haise accidentally locked eyes with none other than Matsuri's wife instead...who smiled at him and bowed slightly her head in a silent greeting.  
They might have met only a week before, but oh so many things had happened in the meantime.

So many indeed, that the mere thought was able to make the young man feel nauseous.

He quickly excused himself from the table, leaving his date for the night talking with Take and Kuramoto about their thoughts on the menu. Since the food hadn't arrived yet, it wouldn't be so strange to make a short drop-in to the restroom, right? He felt quite disgusting as he was, perhaps he really needed to fresh up a little bit...

But, as soon as he found himself in front of the mirror in the toilets, something threatened to break inside of him.

The young man bit into his lower lip, forcing himself not to cry for such a stupid reason like feeling at loss, commanding his lungs to work properly instead of making him hyperventilate.  
It was stupid to miss someone so much...to crave for their attention...to be in physical pain while being far from them.

And it was even more absurd to be dissatisfied with his current situation...chocked by guilt and fear at what would happen to his kids if he didn't satisfy what had been asked of him.

With Touka in need of help, with Koori finally happy after getting rid of him, with Nimura and his destructive habits finally out of the way...Haise would have never wanted anything more than forget all about Arima Kishou and take good care of his kids at long last.

He didn't need that longing...he didn't need that excruciating desire to understand a man so distant and aloof.

Haise stared at his crumbled expression on the mirror...  
...but there he saw someone else entirely.

«...M-Matsuri.», he clumsily greeted, turning on his heels to face his boss, who had just left one of the stalls, and was now looking at him while stepping toward the sink to wash his hands. He had that same expression when he was thinking of something particularly sad or discomforting.  
Regarding Haise with a small nod of his head before retrieving his task to dry his hands clean.

«...you...you never called me.», was the first thing that came out of the young man's mouth, a sentence that left him dumbstruck just as much as Matsuri.  
Who frowned slightly at the memory of their last encounter, at the hospital roughly two months before.

«I didn't know you wanted me to.», he earnestly responded, stepping a little closer to his employee without actually reaching for him.

He seemed...unsure about what to do next, looking around in search of anyone who might have been eavesdropping their conversation.  
And a sudden urge to shove the man to the ground shook Haise from head to toe, it was unclear if out of anger or frustration.  
Maybe a little bit of both, on so many levels.

«After...after what happened I...I thought you...», the young man tried to say, recollection of that evening at the hospital and the way he had been humiliated by Matsuri's words about his crossdressing tendencies.

But he remembered still that desperate kiss, and the way his supervisor had pulled away in order to not make him uncomfortable or scared. He remembered just how much the man had needed him in the weeks previous to the Bar examination.  
And he remembered those coffee mugs...left on his desk every night for two months, steaming with care and compassion.

Haise remembered.  
And that was enough.  
The man in front of him wasn't the enemy, but an ally instead.

«After what happened I had to work in order to keep you safe from harm, Haise.», Matsuri said in a mutter, not particularly pleased to be the one explain something so simple to his employee, nor patient enough for some petty and unreasonable whining.

Haise knew he probably had meant to say "to keep the CCGS safe from an embarrassment as yourself", but he would have been fine with anything at the moment. Any lie, any mystification, any dirty move would have been enough for him, everything to keep the pain at bay.  
And anyone would have done the trick...no matter the circumstances.

Something changed right there and then, some kind of shift...different from the usual, more powerful and aggressive.

 _Let me in_ , said the voice inside his head, cruel and yet considerate enough to understand his needs perfectly.  
_Let me deal with this._

Something filled his heart to the brim, overflowing with relief at what the voice had just offered him.  
At what Yami had volunteered to do in his stead.

They tilted their head to the left and smiled kindly at the older man in front of them...  
...before shoving Matsuri in an empty stool and closing the door behind their shoulders.

Their eyes aglow at the sight of their supervisor's confused expression.  
"Don't ruin this for me..."

Their heartbeat pulsing with anticipation for what they had in mind.  
_Leave it to me._

*

Yami knew what they were doing.  
Not that Haise had to know as well.

The person in front of them was what the young man needed to forget about that fucking doctor, and Yami was willing to make Haise go in that very direction. Even by force, if necessary.

«...Haise, what do you think you're doi...?», Matsuri tried to protest, before being dragged down by Yami's hands to be kissed.

They let the older man melt into their touch, breathing in their smell, closing his eyes at the sweet sensation of their bodies pressing together...before biting down on Matsuri's lower lip to the point of spilling blood. Haise's supervisor yelped at that, trying to get away from them, but Yami didn't let him.

That was their last chance, and they weren't going to make it slip through their fingers this time around.

«...I'm tired of this shit, _Matsuri._ », they purred, securing the man to them by hooking a leg behind one of the man's knees.

The sudden change of atmosphere seemed to pique Matsuri's interest instead of scaring him, and that was all Yami was asking for.

«I'm tired of waiting for you to take the first move.», they mewled, licking their blooded lips before whispering right by Matsuri's swollen ones, «It's time for you to be a man and take me the way you want...», they continued, fixing their unwandering eyes on his scowling face, «...when you want...and where you want.», they concluded, effortlessly earning a quiet moan from the man just by taking his glasses in their right hand, sliding them right off of his face while he had been too distracted by their words.

However, Matsuri seemed to retrieve some sense right after that, slowly shaking his head to put some distance between them.

«It's you who began this little game. Take responsibility...at least.», Yami reminded him, putting the spectacles in the other man's breast pocket.

The sight of his wedding ring disgusted them beyond rage or frustration, even if it was the only reminder of how insignificant and fickle those vows were. After all, that very hand that Matsuri had promised in marriage was being currently lifted in order to possessively stroke Yami's hair at the base of their nape.

«Be a man and punish me right here...right now.», they pressed, guiding Matsuri's other hand inside those itching laced panties that annoying woman had bought for Haise, surprising Matsuri as soon as he could enjoy their elaborate texture with his touch, «Since...this is what you want...right?»

Haise didn't need any tenderness, nor unrealistic expectation.  
He didn't need affection because he couldn't even bear to be abandoned.  
He didn't need to be helplessly in love with a man who thought nothing of him if not regarding him as a burden.  
_They_ didn't need that kind of sorrow.

So they would have taken pain instead.  
They were an expert in the subject, after all.

«...right?», they insisted, this time imitating Haise's most bashful tone to convince the older man once and for all.

This, as Yami would soon have learned, was more then enough for Matsuri to give them what they had asked for.

And, for as much as a germaphobe the man had always been...he did quite some dirty things to them in that stall that smelled of disinfectant and piss.  
He did it so well, in fact, that he left Yami beg for more, and more, and more.

For as bloodied and rough it had been.

*

Haise had been aware and conscious for the entirety of the intercourse, vaguely convinced to have mimicked Yami's behavior only to find the courage to hit on his supervisor. But as soon as the man had left him with his mouth gasping and his ass leaking with come, all the young man's energies abandoned him, making his knees buckle under Matsuri's weight.

His boss caught him before he could fall and hit the head on the door, that very door where Haise had been possessed. Matsuri's strong arms secured him in place, forcing him to keep quiet and still until he was able to come down from his high.

To Haise's relief, the older man had been the only one climaxing during their messy business, since he wouldn't like it one bit to have enjoyed what had just happened between them.

The young man panted with his mouth agape, barely sustaining himself onto the door. But when he tried to move his right arm to have a better hold on the wall nearby...a jolt of pain spiraled through his nerves, stopping him from moving said arm from hand to elbow.

His paralysis....it was expanding.

But he had no time to focus properly on that scary notion that Matsuri began straightening behind him, and Haise felt him tucking himself in and closing his zip. And when Haise turned his head to look at the man, he received a small and tender kiss on his right cheek in response.  
And, for a single moment, the young man was almost able to imagine Arima being the one kissing him.

It lasted a mere instant, a sole reason to keep going...to keep pretending...  
...to keep dreaming.

They separated soon after, leaving the deserted restroom careful to not been seen together.  
Matsuri seemed longing to share one last embrace with him before entering the main hall...but decided against it at the last minute, probably unwilling to sacrifice everything because of some after-glow weakness if someone were to see them like that.

He quickly left Haise fending for himself in the shadowy corridor fussing with his button down to cover the fact that he had just been ravished dry. Still vaguely detached from reality, the young man used that time alone to get a hold of his place on Earth by running his hand through his hair, straightening his tie, and snapping his fingers together to ground himself.

Nothing could bring him back to his body though...numbed as he was by his brain's strenuous attempt to keep him safe from any emotion.

And so, he slowly entered the main hall as well, unable to distinguish the quiet chatter of the guests from his thoughts.  
In different circumstances, he would have been terrified to be surrounded by so many whispers following his steps.  
But he was way too far gone to be paranoid about such a thing.

He retrieved his place next to Hairu, mindlessly noticing how dinner had just been served at their table. He must have been away for less than thirty minutes.  
Well...that would have certainly been disappointing, but he and Matsuri had had little to no time for themselves anyway.

Haise sat down slowly, careful not to rush it...not that he had been new to such hard treatment, but...that had been a little too much even for him. It had been months since he had done something like that, after all. He flinched at the contact with the chair, painfully reminded of the many times he had been unable to sit thanks to Nimura at the beginning of their friendship.

His strangled lament caught Hairu's attention, guiding her eyes to his pale and sweating face...but when their gaze met she looked terrible in Haise's opinion. She was watching him like he was some sort of feral animal that had just escaped from its cage.  
Haise frowned in response, gesturing her to began eating by moving his chopsticks upwards with his left hand.

«You better eat, Hairu. And I think Kuramoto will be actually able to enjoy his meal as soon as you stop wasting his time by chatting with him.», he joked, even if it sounded a tad too bitter for his liking as soon as those words left his mouth.

«What...what in the world happened to you...?», she had the decency to whisper to his ear, so that no one could hear her fussing over him.

He didn't want to look at Matsuri's direction, but a small glance at the board of directors' table was more than enough for Hairu to understand. After all, Matsuri had been fashionably late for dinner, even though he was now talking with his wife Iyo like nothing had happened.

Everyone must have noticed his absence in the hall, before forgetting all about it as soon as the man had sat down at the table with his father Yoshitoki.  
But Hairu looked around the hall anyway, probably in search for the eyes of someone else who might have had her same intuition...

...until her gaze locked with her brother's concerned one, while he was ignoring something Akira must have said to the rest of their table.

Haise didn't even regard Koori or his sister of a single ounce of attention, not even when he felt Hairu's eyes on him.

«...I wanted it.», he simply stated, pouring soy sauce in the bowl next to him, «He didn't force me to do anything.»  
«...but...that's exactly what someone would say when...»  
«...when they're telling the truth, you mean?»  
«Please, Haise...»  
«You were right.», he suddenly said facing her with determination, just barely aware of how confused her expression was, «I would have crushed your brother's heart into pieces. I should be living far away from all of you.»

_Yes. Yes you should._

Hairu carefully lowered her eyes while contemplating his words with sadness and fear.  
Watching him fade away under her gaze.  
Like sand in a chipped hourglass.

*

The rest of the evening passed without any particular problem.

Iyo Washuu had magnificently convinced the entire audience to increase their interest in the children's cause, that by the end of the night donations had skyrocketed beyond anyone's possible expectation.

Kurona and Nashiro had introduced the project to the new members of the no-profit association by charming everyone with their carefully staged banters and witty remarks.

The Mados filmed the entire thing with their phones, live streaming the show to Taki, who had been watching the entire thing from California at five in the morning. Akira had often looked for him with her eyes, until she had had enough of lowering her sorrowful gaze in response to the young man's coldness.

Matsuri had glanced a couple of times in Haise's direction, seemingly at ease with the newfound intimacy they had shared before dinner.

Hairu had felt distraught over the all evening, eventually excusing herself as she left the building by the end of the found raiser.

Take had drunk way too much for his own good, and even menacingly considered to take poor Kuramoto home to teach him a lesson or two on how to not disrespect his seniors.

Sasaki's kids had been having a lot of fun chatting with Ui's ones, and the lot of them had marveled at the Mado twins' maturity and good behavior, even though they all smiled kindly at the sight of said girls when they began dozing off at their table...to tired to function.

Amon had suggested to take them home before they could faint from exhaustion, but not before the twins could slowly shuffle their feet toward Haise to formally introduce themselves...all the while resisting the urge to fall asleep in front of him.  
And Akira had laughed warmly at that, ruffling their brown hair and promising them to visit "their older brother" as soon as possible.

It had been a good night.  
A night during which Haise had felt absolutely nothing.

He had smiled politely for most of the time, trapped in a bubble of numbness and mist that no one could disperse.  
Even in Koori's minivan the young man hadn't been able to feel better on the way home, not even while being surrounded by seven sleepy boys and girls all bundled up in each other's arms for comfort.

Not even listening to Ginshi's mindless and whispering solo-chatter about Amon's stories on how he had lost the use of his lower limbs during a mission, a tale that had apparently been fascinating to the point where the kid couldn't stop rambling about even while asleep.

Not even after noticing how Urie had begun drunkly kissing an embarrassed Tooru on the neck, surpassingly in the mood for cuddles even with their brother's sleep-talking right in their ears.

Not even by looking at the rear mirror to see Touma and Shao finally at peace with each other, the smaller with his head on the other's shoulder, sleeping soundly.

Not even while hearing Saiko and Aymu soft whispers in the back seat, sharing secrets and maybe something more.

None of this helped Haise regain his usual perception of the world.  
For he felt like a puppet being moved by invisible hands on an immaterial stage.  
Koori drove next to him in silence for the entire road, sometimes glancing at him from under his bangs.

And Haise could only hope to rest quietly once at the Chateau, because he didn't want to keep living such a nightmarish experience even in his sleep.  
Such a feeble and fake expression of reality even in his dreams.

*

The next day he received a text from Matsuri, asking him to meet at his apartment in Ginza that very night.

And because the kids had been busy all day doing nothing in particular, Haise had no qualms in leaving them to their business, entrusting them with a couple of chores for the evening in his absence. He hadn't got around to talk about Touka's moving to them yet, but the young woman had come to his mind when he had to explain his sudden urge to leave the Chateau...so he simply lied to them by saying he had to meet with her.

However, any sense of guilt he might had on the matter was promptly forgotten as soon as he stepped out of Matsuri's personal elevator to enter his penthouse facing the city from above. Artificial lights coming from beneath the glazings, darkness all around him, and a tall and stoic man in a suit waiting in the living room for Haise to greet him with a kiss.

Matsuri Washuu could have never been more different and distant from Arima Kishou.  
And that was exactly why he was perfect for what the young man had in mind.

He let his supervisor take off his clothes one by one, not even bothered to notice how he was dissociating. Desperately trying to ignore the white haired kid hidden in a corner of the room...covering his own ears with tiny and trembling hands.

Moan after moan, painful thrust after painful thrust, Haise could finally forget all about himself once he came all over Matsuri's sheets...disgusted by his lack of self control. Watching at his left hand covered in cum like those glistening fingers didn't belong to him, all the while getting down by his abhorrent high with a smile on his face. And he sighed of relief, in the arms of whom had pressed his head on the mattress only a couple minutes before.

He fell asleep like that: content, hurting, tired...  
...and ugly beyond any possible redemption.

*

"No one will know."

These had been Matsuri's only words on the matter right after he had called his chauffeur to take Haise home the next morning.

What a marvelous way to begin the week...the young man had been still naked and confused when this quick and exhaustive conversation had taken place. And he had been still rubbing his eyes vigorously when Matsuri (already dressed up for his day at the office) had sat down with him on the bed.  
Not to cuddle, obviously, but to further his cause even more instead.

"No one will know, you heard me...Haise?"  
And that had been it.

Haise didn't have that much time to sulk in the first place, being forcefully dressed by Matsuri before he could even get to brush his teeth. He had been sent away from the penthouse with a small peck on the head by the elevator doors...to be then throw inside the cubicle right before said doors could shut in front of his sleepy face. His reflection on the interior of the elevator spoke strange and dangerous things to him, but the young man paid no mind to them.

The little white-haired child was still with him, pouting in the corner with his arms crossed.  
Once again, Haise pretended not to see him while buckling up his belt and straightening his button down.

Mr Abara Hanbee, Matsuri's personal driver, was waiting for him in front of his car with a thermos full of scolding hot coffee in hand. He bowed as soon as he noticed the young man leaving the building, opening the read door of the vehicle to let him step inside. Haise gladly accepted the coffee, wondering how much the man was paid to be so wonderful and thoughtful, and leaned comfortably in the back, facing the tinted rollaway window that separated him from the front seats.

Matsuri had specifically asked Hanbee to take him home, hence why the older man was probably getting on terms with the fact that he had no driver to escort him to work that morning. Haise smiled at that, wondering if his boss had to take a ride on a stinky cab with an even shadier driver.

Eventually, he mulled over the last time he had to be on a uber...and the memory was enough for him to shake his head in denial.

The imaginary kid was still with him, mindlessly playing with the usual razor blade he always had on him.

Suddenly, Haise noticed something in front of him...a vibrant color catching his attention and forcing him to look up...  
...until he was met with a black-haired stranger with round sun glasses, a lollipop in their mouth, and slouched on crossed arms where the rollaway window used to be.

The...person couldn't be older than twenty-five, but they seemed much younger for some reason. Strange stitches adorned their face and neck and hands in complicated patterns, painting their white face red and crimson. And they had yellow suspenders on top of their black shirt.  
They smiled with bulking eyes when Haise met their gaze.

«...Mr Hanbee?»  
«Please, Sir. Call me Abara.»  
«Then...Mr Abara?»  
«Yes, Sir?»  
«Is there really a person munching on a lollipop in front of me...or am I hallucinating?»

The driver glanced at his left for a brief moment, seemingly distraught at the sight of the other person nearby him, before heaving a deep and tired sigh.  
«I'm afraid he's very real, Sir...I'm sorry I didn't noticed he had rolled down the tinted glass.»  
«...and who is he...exactly?»  
«The real question though, is another one.», the strange young man chimed in, taking the lollipop out of him mouth to point at Haise with it, holding it by the stick, «The question is...who are you, really?», his voice high pitched, his tone amused, his accent foreign, and his words mildly disquieting to hear.

«Abara...is this legit?»  
«I'm afraid so, Sir. I'm really sorry.»  
«If that's so, your car had been full of surprises way too many times for my own good.», was Haise's dry comment on the issue, remained of the first time Matsuri had tried to do something funny on that back seat, along with the memory of his very wife asking the young man to be the man's concubine.  
But a strange man eating lollipops in his late twenties and wearing yellow suspenders?  
Well, that was something else entirely, wasn't it?

Haise kept drinking his coffee from the thermos like nothing could faze him.

«Oh, rest assured, Mr Sasaki. We're not kidnappers, although we might take a longer route to get you home...if you were to listening to us willingly.», the man lollipop man said, not in a mocking tone, but not in a friendly one either, «And we are not strangers, since we've already met...the night of your abduction in that club in Nichōme.»

At that, the young man got so close to choke on his coffee the he had to calm down and think for a moment...  
...had he ever met the man in the first place?

«But most importantly...we certainly are not private investigators.», said man concluded, sucking on his candy while passing a tiny business card to the young man with his left hand, «And last but not least, we're absolutely not looking for information about the Washuu Household in the slightest.»

The black card said: "Suzuya Detective Agency", written in white with a simple but neat font. Even though, looking at the man in front of him, it was a miracle it hadn't been written in comic sans, to cry out loud.  
The young man's gears were then put into motion, smelling something fishy.

Haise shoved the business card into his trousers pocket, vaguely planning on how to use it for an eventual research on that scam of an agency. If he had to protect himself in court, some snooping around was bound to happen, even though he was still unsure about Abara's position on the matter. The man had been kind to him, helping dealing with the Washuus in more than one occasion...but what was the driver's deal with that strange individual even?  
However, something at the bottom of his stomach warned him to not underestimate him...not when said individual was looking at him with such candid and (vaguely) creepy expression.

«We happen to know that your relationship with the youngest heir of the family has recently changed quite significantly...», that Suzuya-guy said while Abara drove on a bumpy road...consequently making the other hit his head on the roof. However, he seemed unaffected by it, leaning his head on one of his palms while staring at Haise with a suggestive expression.

«I shouldn't be surprised to see my privacy being so disregarded by you folks...»  
«Oh, please! You live surrounded by cameras and microphones to this day. There's nothing like privacy in this world.»  
«This doesn't change the fact that I could easily sue you for at least half a dozen charges.»  
«But you still don't know what we have to offer you if...»  
«...you...you want me to be a mole or something like that? Are you crazy?», he couldn't even believe what they were...

«My boss might be crazy, but he's not insane. We have a mole already in the house...a part from me, obviously. But there's no guarantee they'll be there for long.», Abara quietly explained, driving with a straight face like he hadn't just revealed to be an undercover agent in the mist of the most powerful household of Japan.

However, this changed nothing.

The all situation seemed unreal to him. He had just come to terms with his decision to reciprocate his supervisor's feelings. And in doing so he could obtain what had been promised to him and his kids. He still smelled of that very man's skin and he still had his bites marking his body as Matsuri's possession...

He had already chosen.  
And he wasn't going to lose his peace of mind right after obtaining it.

«I will never betray Matsuri. There's literally nothing you can offer me in order to...»  
«...I'm sure we can find something, Mr Sasaki...», Abara's partner interrupted him, lowering his gaze only to retrieve something from the front seat he was kneeling on.  
Then, a red folder appeared in front of the young man's face.  
And it had his name written on it.  
The real one.

«...or should I say, Mr Yasuhisa?», that Suzuya said, keeping the red folder at a safe distance from Haise's shaking hands, «Heir of one of the biggest shipping companies of the Pacific Ocean...who threw everything out of the window in order to change identity? To live in a comfortable cage under control by the CCGS's government agency?»

Spinning uncontrollably under his gaze, the world seemed a little darker than before.  
Everything was happening too fast for his liking.  
As if he had been showered in informations and notions his brain could never process. And his heart rate began to get snippy at him, pounding in his ears at the speed of sound, reminding him that he shouldn't be there in the first place...that...that it was all too much for him to bear...

«I...I want to...go...home.», said his mouth in his stead.  
His voice flimsy, his eyes huge.  
Like a kid, scared and afraid.  
Like a child in pain.

«...please. Take me...home.», he added, unable to look at the man in front of him, not even capable of recognizing his voice when the private investigator said to contact them anytime.  
Haise blacked out for a minute or so...and then he found himself in front of the Chateau...  
...incapable of remembering how he had arrived at that point.

Unable to fathom how he could be so unlucky at all.

*

He knocked the door soon after, vaguely wondering who might have been at home in the middle of the morning...

...when Saiko greeted him in the hall, keeping the door open for him.  
«Welcome back, Maman! How's Touka?», she brightly asked, urging him inside with a serene expression on her face and her phone in hand. Luckily, she seemed too distracted by something on her social media accounts to recognize any trace of discomfort on Haise's expression while he was taking off his shoes.

«Did something happened for Touka to call you so suddenly yesterday?», she mindlessly enquired while making her way to the end of the living room, towards the back garden. She sat on the edge of the open floor to ceiling window, still looking at the screen of her device instead of looking directly at him, waiting for a response nonetheless.  
And then, as soon as he joined her by the porch, everything crashed onto him.

Abara...a spy inside Matsuri's home. A strange young man in yellow suspenders offering him to disclose his past in exchange for informations. His entire body deliciously hurting after so many months of abstinence from sex. His soul mourning at the thought of Arima Kishou still...  
...the name Shiro Yasuhisa written on that red folder, dangling from that Suzuya-guy's hands.

Did he...did he really want to know?  
To remember what had happened in his past, to...go back to that life?

He then noticed how Saiko had been staring at him for a while, having put away her phone in her overall.  
Haise looked at his baby girl, noticing how slim she had become in comparison to the previous spring. They way she was trying to shrink herself, eating less and less...throwing up in secret after eating too much out of guilt...disappearing one pound at a time, all in the desperate effort to occupy even less space than before. He couldn't leave her, nor the others.

Not now, not ever.  
And he would have been forced to abandon them if he were to betray Matsuri and the Washuu.  
The choice, then, became actually very simple.  
Very much so.

«Touka had a bad night at her second job...she's in trouble with her landlord, and doesn't know how to pay the bills.», he explained to Saiko, ruffling her short hair, lingering on the softness of her pigtails, looking affectionately at her confused expression, «...I would offer her to live with us, but I'll have to discuss about it with the lot of you...I fear.»

Saiko's face brightened up at the news, reassuring Haise of having at least an ally by his side in that house. However, something cold dwelled at the bottom of her huge and compassionate eyes, something able to spread through her body like an illness, settling down to the point of petrifying her.

«...I would love to have her around more, Maman. But...»  
«Are you afraid about Urie being against it, maybe?»

She shook her head, gripping at Haise's right arm, clutching at his button down, «No, he's...he's getting better now. He didn't explain anything to me yet, and I don't know what he had done to be revoked from his position at the top of his class...but I'm positive that it has something to do with his bulking-up.», she sadly considered, lowering her eyes to look at her sandals and painted nails, «He will tell me, eventually...he's just not ready right now.»

«...so what is troubling you?», the young man asked, diverting his gaze from his little girl to mindlessly look at the back garden.  
Memories of Tanabata bloomed in his mind like flowers in the snow, bringing back sensations of nostalgia and longing.  
The desire to be with someone else, instead to enjoy his life with people who cared deeply about him.  
How foolish had he been...how ungrateful and selfish...  
...how miserable indeed.

«...I might not be afraid about my brother's reaction, Maman. But I'm afraid of yours.»  
Saiko's bittersweet words forced Haise to look back at her, and he turned his head so fast that his neck might have snapped one vertebrae or two.  
His precious girl had never been more serious, nor had she ever seemed more determined.

«...do you love Touka, Haise?», she asked, still embracing his right arm, the numb one, the useless one.  
The young man smiled sadly at her, slowly nodding his head.  
«I do...but not in that way.», he earnestly answered, taking in the sight of his daughter holding back tears of comprehension and love.

For she understood his needs and desires, able to see through the many masks he had been wearing throughout his all life as Haise Sasaki.

«I'm sorry Saiko...»  
«It's okay. I never wanted to force you both to be the caring parents I couldn't have.», she tried to reassure him, earning a tender kiss on top of her head as a response from her mentor. She smiled at that, glad to have finally been capable of reaching him for real this time.

«You're my parent, Haise. I will love you regardless of whether you want to date Touka or not. You're happiness is important to me, so I just want you to be happy with us.»  
They hugged for a while, sharing those feelings they couldn't really put into words, enjoying the gentle breeze coming from the outside.

Being her father or mother wasn't that important after all.  
Saiko was Haise's daughter, her joy was his to protect.  
And he loved her more than his own happiness.

That was for sure.

*

This time around, there would have been nothing stopping Haise for entering Arima's house.

No second thoughts, no insecurities keeping him under the rain out of fear of being rejected.  
He wasn't a kid anymore, for he had already chosen his path the moment he had accepted Matsuri's plans for him...way before meeting Arima in that bookstore. Way before falling in love with him.

But that had to stop, as Haise kept reminding himself over and over again on his way to the park: his steps sharp, his face serene.  
Everything was going to be alright, after all...

The kids had given him the permission to bring Touka's home as soon as possible, even though Urie had had little to nothing to say about it. That morning, soon after Haise and Saiko had discussed the matter sitting on the back porch, the boy had stepped inside the Chateau with Ginshi after their usual morning run. And while the latter had been ecstatic at the idea of helping Touka out, the first had simply gritted his teeth while nodding sternly at his mentor before running out of sight in his room.

Haise had still to get a chance to talk seriously about Urie's situation with the kid, but the young man could guess what was going through his mind at least. Judging by the humble and quiet behavior the boy had sported the previous days, it was clear that Urie had been doing a great deal of thinking about the consequences of his actions.

He must had thought so hard about that, actually, that he had resigned himself to the conclusion of being unworthy of expressing his feelings and troubles after his disgraceful actions. He was a proud kid, so much he could judge himself pretty harshly for what he had done.

"Who am I to oppose my family's wishes? I'm nothing but a loser, a fake with no right to say anything on the matter": these where probably Urie's thoughts on the possibility of offering Touka a place to live.

Mucchan, on the other hand, hadn't been outright welcoming of the idea of having the young woman around, but he hadn't been against it either. Truth to be told, Tooru had been busy all day with a couple of friends of his from the cross-country group, so he had received the news through a call, to which he had responded pretty anxiously in the first place.

Probably, the idea of having another adult around the house was a bit difficult to accept for him, given his recent secretive attitude in regards of his hormonal therapy.

However, at the end of the day, none of the kids had shown any qualms in opposing Haise's choice, and the young man was glad.  
He had still to announce the happy news to Touka, but the young man had to do some reasoning first.

If he wanted to keep everyone safe while meeting with Matsuri, he had to avoid any contact with his supervisor's driver and Abara's strange collegue. He had even considered telling the truth to Matsuri himself, but thought better of it in the end. He didn't know who were Suzuya's clients in the first place, nor did he have any clue on who might be the mole inside the system the Washuu had created.

His boss could be unwilling to believe such an improbable story, and given the way Haise had to tread carefully on eggshells near the man...he certainly didn't need any more complications in their relationship.

And if Touka was going to live with him, the young man had to be even more careful than before while dealing with Matsuri's whims.

Even though he had actually kept the business card Abara's colleague had given him, he had no intention to contact the man...but he would eventually need some evidence of having been approached by such a dodgy agency.

Now that he had made up his mind, just by stepping down from the train Haise felt a surge of competence and confidence spreading throughout his body. And every step towards Arima's house seemed lighter than the previous one, each one of them guiding him to the park and its imposing trees.

But as he got closer to the building in itself, a sudden indecisiveness struck him in his tracks.

He looked at the house where he had met love in many forms, never quite satisfied with the way he had experienced them in the first place. The home that could never be his to roam freely into, the secrets he could never be entrusted with to the fullest, the intimacy that he had just been able to lightly brush with begging hands...but that he could never taste to the point of reaching the peace of mind he deserved.

Last time he had stopped in front of that house, he had desired to never be thrown out of his comfortable rooms.  
And now, contrary to his previous expectations, he was committed to spend as little time as possible in those silent halls.

He proceeded forward, determined to never look back on his decisions ever again.

*

As soon as he stepped up to the door, however, he found it already open.

He peered inside, ready to voice his presence to anyone who might have been inside, when he spotted Hairu at her desk...looking tired and sad.  
Oh shit.  
He had totally forgot about her.

She noticed him soon after, looking up from her work to meet his gaze...as if daring him to show his stupid face in front of her. Haise quietly entered the house, distraught by the cold welcome he received from the walls, the furniture, and even the floor. Everything there seemed to be unwilling to suffer his presence for more time than necessary...probably mirroring Hairu's feelings towards him.

He made his way to the woman nonetheless, carefully walking to her with his slippers on after putting away his shoes by the entrance.  
She rose from her chair and smiled at him like nothing happened.  
And it was probably the saddest thing he had ever looked at.

«Hairu, I'm sorry for...the other night...», he said in a whisper, suddenly terrified of the consequences of his actions.  
«You don't have to.», she quickly responded, lowering her face to organize some empty folders, «Ayumu didn't come today. Tomorrow will be the 49th day after Hachikawa's death, and she's preparing for the ceremony.», she quietly explained, still avoiding eye contact with him, «She'll be happy for you to come as well, but I'm sure she hadn't been able to call you because...»

Hairu had been interrupted by Haise's light touch on her shoulder, which froze her on the spot.  
She rose her head and tilted it to the side, probably hoping for her hair to cover her face at least a bit.  
The young man's soothing caress on her back made her relax only after a couple of minutes or so, time that the both of them spent in silence while leaning on each other for support. But Hairu didn't stop to hold the folders to her chest for good measure, burying her face deeper and deeper behind the colorful binders.

A couple of tears rolling down her cheeks.

«...are you sure of what you're doing, Haise?», she suddenly asked, not daring to look up.  
He immediately knew what she was referring to, and hugged her tightly to avoid meeting her gaze if she were to rose her head.  
«He's not a bad person, I will be happy with him.», he whispered, mindlessly scratching his chin with the left hand.  
«...it worries me that you have to say it out loud, though.», came in a murmur her voice, slowly warming up to Haise's embrace.

«Thank you for always being there for me.»  
She nodded on his shoulder, finally accepting his decision.  
Willing to fight alongside him for his wellbeing.

*

They parted ways soon after, agreeing on making plans to see each other at the Yanaka Cemetery alongside with Koori and his kids.

And nothing could be done or said a part from moving forward, to Arima's office.

While Hairu quickly excused herself to the service restroom to fix her makeup, the young man stepped over to the door beyond the small waiting hall, careful to not trip over the couch. For the second time in a row he found the door open, enough for him to pass through the crevice without pulling at the handle. And it was a really pretty convenient way for him to enter, without actually having to struggle with his left hand more than necessa...

Haise stopped in his tracks, staring at Arima after looking for him in the huge office...finally founding him by the table at the end of the room, underneath the tall shelves of the two-store library. Dressed in his usual white shirt, with a blue tie around his neck, not even breaking a sweat in such hot temperatures...

...Arima was...touching the pages of a book.

Caressing their surface with closed eyes, his face muscles tense in concentration.

And Haise had to take a step back from such a tender and crisp sight, bashfully hiding behind the open door without even touching its surface.

It was such a personal and intimate scene, that Haise felt like an intruder in someone else's world...like when he had been assigned to Akira back in the day, or when he had tried to peer into Touka's life when she wasn't aware of his lingering eyes. And Arima was so...calm, and collected too, but for the young man that image of him holding the book was something akin to witnessing someone struggling to keep afloat.

And yet that glimpse was so tender and sharp, soft and bright, warm and obscure...it made Haise's insides twist in awe.  
He heaved a breath from the other side of the door left ajar...  
...loud enough for Arima to notice him.

«Haise...Sasaki, come on in.», the older man said with a condescending smile on his face, slowly closing the book in his hand b fore putting it on top of his desk, «I haven't heard Hairu welcoming you at the door, I was engrossed in reading, I'm sorry for that.»  
Haise tried to conceal his embarrassment by clearing his throat, stepping inside the office once and for all.

«That...you call that reading?», he asked after closing the door behind his shoulders, wishing for the wooden floor to devour him that very instant.

«Braille, actually.», the man quickly answered, gesturing Haise to sit down on his usual armchair, waiting for him to comply, «It's a fascinating thing, but complicated nonetheless. Listening to you putting all of your energies into studying German...it made me want to measure myself with a different challenge too. And given that I speak many languages already...I decided to give it a try.»

That shouldn't have hurt like it did.  
And even though it had been days since he had last touched one of his German books, for Haise the meaning behind those words couldn't have been clearer. Arima was pushing him towards the idea of accepting the promotion they had previously talked about, praising his hard work only for him to be followed by some other psychiatrist in the future. It was all so painfully obvious for him...  
...it made him angry.

«I've decided what kind of therapy to pursue.», he began, walking over the desk with determination.

The other man's expression changed almost immediately: his smile fading one thought at a time, his eyebrows furrowed, his posture suddenly tensing up.  
Haise stopped in front of Arima, his left fist clenching and flexing as a way to calm himself down.

«I'm going with the meds...but without the cognitive approach. Nor the hypnotic course, as you suggested a couple of weeks ago.»  
...words as heavy as a declaration of war could be.  
Dripping with the ugliest colors of the many emotions Haise had to silence in his heart.

Arima didn't even lower his gaze before responding to his dare.  
He kept staring at him dead in the eyes, boring holes into his soul.  
«So, in brief...you don't want to remember what happened to you in the past.», he considered, waiting for him to back off from his previous statement.

And even in the depths of fear and loathing, Haise couldn't help himself from noticing how beautiful those cold eyes were.  
They weren't completely black, but a deep blue instead...so dark it was unsettling to look at.  
So vast it could hide an entire universe behind those narrowed lids.

«As you're psychiatrist, Sasaki, it's my duty to advise you against this. Most of your insecurities and dissociative tendencies are certainly the consequence of something that happened in your past. Not just during your days prior to the incident, but also during your childho...»

«But I currently don't have any childhood memories to rely on...isn't it right?, Haise quietly retorted, not at all scared by the idea of facing Arima's disappointment, «And it's even possible that those reminiscences that I have of a woman beating me up...that those could be false memories created by my brain to make up for a lack on information about my past.

«I've been working on difficult cases for almost three years now, and it's possible that I have unconsciously conditioned myself to take some of those terrible experiences by proxy...adapting them to my needs.»

Arima began watching him with careful but predatory eyes.  
So tensed and in disbelief, he actually had to take a hold of one of his pens from the desk to gain some sort of control over the situation.  
He made it rattle on the book nearby, the one he had been "reading", holding the fountain pen like a lancet.  
Haise then remembered that Arima had been a surgeon before pursuing the psychiatric career.  
And, for some reason, that pen scared him all of a sudden, its mere sight making his eyes prickle out of fear.

But he had to go on with his speech, for he had prepared all night for that moment.

«The only thing that is absolutely true about me, it's that I was once called Shiro and that my father was the CEO of a big company. There are documents attesting this reality...unlike what I _thought_ I had remembered about my dad abusing me, or even about that woman hating a little kid with gender dysphoria.»

Staring at Arima while the psychiatrist was watching him from under his bangs was becoming unbearable for the young man.  
But he refused to look away, even if it was getting way too uncomfortable for him.

«Those are false memories: that's what I believe in.», he declared, daring the older man to stop him from digging his own grave at twenty-six.  
Arima didn't stop him.

«This is who I am: a patient in need of help and medicines.», the young man insisted, suppressing his hope for the other to speak in his favor.  
Arima didn't spoke.

«And you...are my psychiatrist. No more, no less.», Haise concluded, desperate for his psychiatrist to prevent him from severing their bond.  
Arima didn't do a single thing.

And they looked at each other for a long time before talking again, the both of them taking in all the details of the other's expression.

The pen ticking in time with the needle on Haise's wrist watch, as if Arima control over his hand movements couldn't be bothered by his emotions or even Haise's one, for the matter. The rhythm of the ticking sound sharp like the echo of water drops from a tap. Seconds ticking away, one by one...by one...  
...until it stopped.  
Like life was bound to.

Arima sighed in deep thought, leaving the pen on the book and stroking his closed eyelids with his right hand from underneath the spectacles.  
«...if that's what you want.», he finally said with a tired voice, before standing up from his desk and walking over his usual armchair.  
The older man sat on the chair, waiting for Haise to do the same on the other one in front of him.  
Unfazed by his patient's decision, much to the young man's displeasure.

«It...it is.», Haise quietly responded, sitting down aa he was supposed to do.  
Regarding Arima with a hurt expression on his face.

«Its true, after all.», the older man said in a sigh, leaning back on his chair in front of Haise, «That fears can talking quite beautifully when they need to hide something.», he concluded, retrieving his notes to begin their session like nothing happened.

Like he hadn't just told those words to accuse him of being insincere, of wasting his time...

...of playing around, on top of all.

*

After that time, their session would have become a weekly occurrence.

No more, no less.

And every time, after a brief discussion about a topic of Arima's choice in regards of his patient situation, the older man would have given Haise his drugs.  
Each week, a new prescription to be consumed in seven days. Each week, a new chat about the young man's progress and troubles he might have met during the days leading to a new session.

Nothing more, nothing less.

And even if the mere idea of not seeing him two to three times a week was a torture in itself, Haise knew the importance of such a step.  
He had to detach himself from the man in order to live peacefully and at ease with the path he had chosen.

Even more so because Arima had appeared particularly pissed by his decision to no keep up with the cognitive therapy. However, even if the young man knew that his psychiatrist was professional enough to not let things get personal between them, Haise didn't suspect Arima to be the type to give up so easily on a patient. In any case, Haise certainly didn't want to suffer under that cold gaze of judgment for more time than necessary.

Luckily, this gave him more time to think about his priorities and prerogatives in general.  
One of which was currently pointing her feet to stop him from helping her moving her things.

«Haise, I swear to god! Put those shoes back were you found them or you will face the consequences.»  
«That doesn't sound like something I would be afraid of...»  
«Well, you should be.»

Sure enough, three days after Haise's decisive meeting with Arima, Touka had finally accepted his offer to move to the young man's house.  
But the young man had to wait until the following Sunday to welcome his precious friend in his home.  
...in fact, he had had to wait until Touka had been able to have a talk with his kids face to face.

They had met at the Chateau, and the young woman had apologized profusely to the lot of them for the trouble. She had even tried to explain her working accommodation to the kids...but –to Haise's horror, that is– none of them had showed any qualms in sympathizing with her situation.

"So she's a sex worker...who cares?", had said Saiko, disbelieved by Haise's shock as a response to their understanding.

"Yeah, Sassan...her clients are filth though, if they force her to do such long shifts.", had considered Ginshi, vaguely embarrassed by the whole thing, but not to the point of being rude towards Touka in the first place.

"We're not children anymore, Teach...we know how the world is.", reassured him Tooru, lightly elbowing his boyfriend's arm to make him agree with him.

Only a loud growl had come from Urie's part on the matter, but it seemed to share the sentiment in any case.

And so...the lot of them had waited until Sunday morning to welcome the young woman in their midst, actually shocked by her lack of personal objects when they watched her walking towards the Chateu alongside with Haise. In fact, Touka had sell her mattress and oldest clothes, bringing her entire life inside a couple of suitcases...filled for the most part with shoes, books, and her personal computer. Books overwhelmingly outnumbering the rest of her belongings by a great deal.

For some reason, after seeing how many things she needed to organize in the guest room, Urie had left the house with a frustrated expression on his face, forcing Tooru to follow him against the boy's disbelieving retorts. And thanks to this...annoying attitude from Urie's part, Touka hadn't even been able to enter the house, that she had already been faced with guilt over taking space in someone else's home.

"Well...I don't need that much of a hand with so little things in my possession. I suppose they should have some fun for themselves instead...", she had wondered with a timid voice, unconsciously fueling Saiko's and Ginshi's protective personality to the maximum.

The kids had then dragged the young woman inside, telling her to chose one of the two guest rooms while they tried to contact more people for helping around. And Haise had actually time to enjoy the sight of Touka being pampered back and forth by his kids, smiling from ear to ear.

Unfortunately, only Ayumu showed up at their house when summoned by Saiko.

Shinsanpei Aura had had to decline, being on his shift at the precinct on Ginshi's day off from his part-time job.  
Hairu had a meeting to attend to, and Koori had some work to take care of before the annual psychology conference at the CCGS.  
Higemaru and Shao on the other hand...well, they were heartbroken.  
It had been hard for them to accept Ayumu and Saiko relationship, after all.

Right after Hachikawa's nōkotsu ceremony, Ayumu had been coming more frequently at the Chateau to meet with Saiko.

In the beginning, it had been tough for the girl, feeling guilty even for participating at their small party during Tanabata or at the found-raiser at the CCGS while mourning the death of her previous mentor, but thanks to Saiko she had been able to overcome her insecurities. Even more so because she had been reminded of the fact that her late guardian would have wished for her to live life to the fullest...instead of spending it crying over his tombstone.  
This all thanks to Haise's daughter, who had bonded with the girl during the weeks following Hachikawa's death.

And in all honesty, it had been quite heartbreaking to see the two of them hand in hand in front of the memorial. There had been very few people at the ceremony, and all of them had been acquaintances of Ayumu or Koori...since Hachikawa had never been friendly enough to bound with anyone in particular. So no stranger could have had the audacity to scold the girls for showing affection towards each other in such circumstances, nor anyone had dared to call them on it. If such a person had been there to speak in that particular occasion, hurting the girls even more...well, they would have been faced with a dozen of angry relatives at least. Urie being the angriest of all, probably, given his attachment to Saiko in the first place.

And now there they were...Saiko and Ayumu.  
At the beginning of their relationship, chatting excitedly about their dreams and hopes for the future.

Even Mucchan and Urie seemed to be affected by such lovely atmosphere, going out on dates more frequently probably as a way to discuss their problems with no interruptions  from the rest of the family.

Still to that day, Tooru had yet to talk with Haise about his second thoughts on the surgery and the hormonal therapy in itself, but the young man was confident the boy would soon give in to the temptation of revealing his doubts to him.

About Urie's situation, on the other hand, Haise had finally got a hold of Doctor Shiba's personal phone number in order to force him to reveal what exactly had happened to his kid. However –a part from what he already knew about Urie's teacher's reaction to his substance abuse–, Haise was able to gather absolutely nothing out of the physician, since the man wasn't going to betray his confidentiality agreement with one of his patients.

Although, Shiba let it slip that Urie's self-destructive tendencies had been found out thanks to one of the monthly drug test at the CCGS. So, even though Urie's professors hadn't denied him to go on with his research, being part of a corporate agency and all, they had to take some drastic measures against the culprit...one of their best students of their Academy's renowned international university.

And given Haise's condition after his "car crash incident" (as it had been described to cover the true nature of the young man's abduction), the higher-ups of the CCGS hadn't deemed necessary for him to know the details of his protégé's academic failure. The same had been for Ginshi's failing grades and Saiko's general deteriorating situation in her studies.

Which, all things considered, to Haise seemed more like a punishment for his crossdressing habits than a form of respect towards a recovering colleague.

In any case, now that he had Matsuri on his side, the young man was pretty positive he had nothing to fear any longer.  
"Especially after what I let him do to me only two nights ago", he considered in embarrassment, trying to hide his blushing face by lowering his head.  
Dusting off Touka's biology books had suddenly become quite the task now that he had troubles coordinating his movements.

Then, as if the mere thought of Matsuri's tying him up wasn't enough to make him anxious, the young man noticed something at his feet by the bookshelf.  
A mop of hair, on top of a very lethargic and very concentrated Ayumu Hogi sitting cross-legged on the floor.  
Appeared from nowhere probably to scare the shit out of him.

"...I think I deserved it, after what I've been thinking."  
«Ayumu...could you please make some noise the next time you want to sneak into other people's space?», Haise quietly asked, noticing how the girl had been looking at the empty shelves underneath the ones he had already organized.

The girl rose her head in disbelief, but not troubled enough to be sorry for her sudden appearance.  
«...oh, I was just wondering what the right way to put these away might be.», she explained in a small voice, showing the books she had been entrusted with by Touka or maybe even Saiko, «Koori was right in saying that you're easily scared...», she then added, not quite rudely but not less mockingly to his ears.

Haise considered having a talk with the girl's mentor by the time Ui had to pick her up.  
If the man were to ever show his face to hell's gates, that was.

«I wonder what face you would have made at the cemetery the other day, then...when Mrs Washuu suddenly showed up and then disappeared.»  
...what?

«What did you say?», Haise asked in disbelief, surprised to hear something like that leaving Ayumu's mouth all of a sudden.  
«I didn't expect to see Mrs Washuu at the ceremony five days ago.», the girl quietly continued like she hadn't been interrupted, organizing the rest of the books on the shelf in front of her, «She didn't even make her condolences, though...but I appreciated her presence nonetheless. Its a pity she wasn't able to say hello to us.», she explained, mindlessly reading the back cover of one of the volumes at her feet before putting it on the shelf.

It was improbable that Iyo would be at the ceremony...but yet again, there weren't any other Mrs Washuu to think about.  
«...to tell you the truth, Ayumu, I haven't noticed her.», he said with a troubled expression, trying to conceal his doubts.

Ayumu shrugged in understanding, yawning while trying to keep working on her small task, «It's okay, she was in the back, by the cemetery entrance. I guess she didn't want to make an appearance as a CCGS spokesperson.»

Iyo Washuu...out of all people on Earth!  
As if Haise needed any more reminders of what terrible (and exciting) activities he had entertained the woman's husband less than forty-eight hours prior.

However, for as embarrassing as it was thinking about Iyo, something didn't seemed right about Ayumu's words. And the young man looked down on her in search of clues, patiently waiting for her to finish her work before speaking again.  
«Is Mrs Washuu present in your life as children of the CCGS program?», Haise asked, genuinely interested.

A sad expression painted the girl's face of gloomy colors, making her clutch at her knees in deep thoughts.  
«...I used to live at the CCGS orphanage before the program chose me to be assigned to a mentor. And at that time Mrs Washuu would come every Sunday afternoon to chat with us kids, bringing books and toys...and even some candy. But we had to swear to keep our mouth shut on the matter, in order to not anger our teachers.»

...that wasn't right.

If Ayumu was telling the truth, Iyo must have been involved with the kids of the program even more tightly than what she had pretended to be. After all...it had been Iyo to threaten Haise to turn the tables in favor of the program's abrogation in case he was not to comply with Matsuri's plans for him.

But if she was so interested in the kids' future...why in the world did she have to put everything at risk for her cold husband's happiness?  
Did she care enough for Matsuri to use any means necessary to make Haise fall at the man's feet?  
Was she actually that heartless to use the program for peculiar children to play him in the right way?

Or maybe...maybe she had never intended to threaten the program and the kids safety.  
Maybe she had only trip to kill tow birds with one stone.

«But recently I met up with her more than once...at the cemetery.», Ayumu suddenly chimed in, catching Haise's attention once again, «I think she goes there to mourn someone.»  
«Why do you think that?»

«I was at the cemetery almost every day since...since my father died. But I saw her only on the 29th of June...and the 29th of July.», the girl revealed, mindlessly stroking the headband that Hachikawa had given her, «And that stuck with me because...because Mrs Washuu used to come every Sunday to the orphanage back in day...but she never came if Sunday occurred on the 29th day of the month.»

Nothing seemed to make sense anymore.

However, for as strange as all those news could seem at first sight, Haise really didn't know what to make of that kind of information.

His right arm twitched silently at shoulder's high, forcing him to scratch the uneasiness away with his left hand.  
...something was off, but he had no idea what it might have been.

«...on a happier note, Ayumu...how's Koori doing?»  
«Oh, not so good, I'm afraid.»  
«Did something bad happened?», he enquired, concerned by the girl's saddened tone.  
And he was left wondering about the worst possible scenario...until Ayumu smiled mischievously at him.  
«Nothing much...a part from the fact that he's trying so hard to stop having the hots for you.»

« _Ooooh snap!_ Tell him babe!», suddenly cheered Saiko from the opposite corner of the room, interrupting her task of folding clothes to mock her mentor shamelessly in front of everyone. «He's waaaaay to picky with his men! It's about time for him to be ravished senseless!»

Oh god.  
If only she had known.  
If only, indeed.

«S-saiko!», Haise tried to retort, his ears already reddening to the implications of his baby girl's words.  
«What?! It's time for you to settle down, Maman!»

«...am I not enough for you, Saiko?», suddenly asked Touka with a quivering lip, dramatically throwing one hand in the air, pretending to faint, «And here I was thinking the lot of you could accepted me as your new Dad...oh, the suffering!»

«N-no! You...you misunderstood, Touka!»  
«I get it, I get it...I will leave now.», she insisted, walked away from the bathroom where she had organized her things.  
«Oh no, Touka! Come back to us!»  
«I'm sorry for troubling you all so much...»  
«Please! You're the best thing that happened to us after last New Year's!»  
«WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT NIGHT!», came out in a shout from Haise's voice, quite unexpectedly at that.

No one needed any reminiscing on the image of his drunk-ass-self dancing on tables after too much alcohol.

However, Touka seemed to enjoy that farce, so much she actually tried to step out of her new room to fake a even bigger tantrum...  
...when she had to step back from the open door after hitting Urie's imposing figure with her nose.

Everyone became very quiet, already praying the gods for him to not burst in spontaneous combustion.  
But then, something incredibly happened.

The boy huffed frustratedly, instead of lashing out in anger towards Touka.

«I...brought more sheets for your bed.», said the kid with a stoic face, showing their guest that he had accepted her presence by holding said folded sheets in front of him. They were new, light green with flowers embroidered on it...and the mystery regarding his whereabouts for all of those hours was solved.

Touka had just enough time to look up from her present, before she suddenly hugged Urie by the chest, thanking him again and again for his generosity.

And so Urie was left fuming (but also quite pleased nonetheless) in Touka's embrace, even if he didn't appreciate physical contact to that extent.

Tooru was smiling behind them, patting his boyfriend's shoulder with pride and care, while both Saiko and Ginshi rushed to give the lot of them a group hug.  
Ayumu joined them shortly after, looking back at Haise to see his reaction before going straight into Saiko and Tooru's arms.

«Maman! You too!»  
«Yeah Sassan, what're you waiting for?»  
«Teach! It's not good without you!»  
Even Urie, for as pissed as he was pretending to be, seemed to be willing to wait for him to join them.  
Touka simply smiled to him with a raised eyebrow, as if to tell him: "come one you idiot!".

This was what happiness looked like.  
And Haise walked towards it with a smile on his face.

*

Contrary to what would have been a perfect happy ending, Touka had to work that night.  
And Haise had to as well.

But they had seemed oblivious to that fact until late in the night, when they casually met by the entrance while Haise had to put on his shoes.

Touka was trying to sneak out of the door with her stilettos already at her feet, and the usual duster hugging her figure tightly. A bag on her shoulder this time, maybe containing a change or even a couple of bottles of water to fight dehydration after her shift.

However, when she met his eyes right after putting a hand on the handle, she seemed to knew instantly that he wasn't there to see her off.  
He was too well dressed for that, after all.

«...you too, Haise?», she wondered with an understanding tone, like she had already figured it all out.

They stared at each other in silence for a really long time before daring to look away, but they stepped out of the Chateau together, hand in hand.

«I'll be staying at his place until next morning, don't wait for me.», he explained in a whisper, giving her the keys after closing the door, forcing her to take them by squeezing her right hand with his left one.  
«...Haise. Where are you going...exactly?»  
«I'm doing what I need to do. Just like you.»  
«...why have you never told me any of this?»  
«He's a kind man. I'm fine.»  
«A man who wants you to be a secret?»

He hugged her just so he hadn't to face her while ignoring her question...and the both of them waited for the other to spill everything.  
But they eventually parted slightly, their eyes mirroring the other's discomfort.

«Do you have a chance of clothes in there?», he asked, pointing at her satchel with a motion of his chin.  
«Should I give you my teaser?», she questioned instead, earning a smile out of him.  
«I'm fine, Touka. I'm fine.», he reassured her, caressing her cheek with his only functioning hand, mourning the loss of his right one because he really, really would have loved to cradle her head in both hands. So he settled for resting his forehead on hers, breathing in deeply her floral scent.

 _Are you, now?_ , said the voice...a strange mixture of many voices slithering in his brain folds all at once.

"Yes, it's fine."

It had to be.

*

Dissociating during one of his nights with Matsuri wasn't that uncommon for him.

But that night he couldn't even think straight...irony a part, obviously.

He could see Matsuri on top of him, his glasses removed, his hands keeping him in place...but he couldn't feel anything a part from a numb sensation of pain.

It was pretty boring, to say the least.  
So much energy wasted on an unsatisfying activity.

A particularly hard thrust, however, was able to send shivers up his spine, reviving some part of him that had been hiding for the whole time.

_What are you doing, you filthy dog?_

_Leave him alone._

_Quit it, you whore!_

_Leave him alone, I said._

Haise wasn't able to distinguish the voices anymore, nor did he want to. But something urged him to get on his elbows...both of them, like his paralysis couldn't be less of a preoccupation for him. And he rose from his position on the mattress, embracing Matsuri's neck with both arms...his energies fueled with the promise of a quick resolution to all of his problems. If he only could force it a little more...if he only could stress it a little faster...he could...he could...  
...he could feel good once again.

«Harder.», he begged Matsuri with an empty voice, clutching at his board shoulders out of utter desperation.

The man didn't comply right after hearing his plea for pleasure, holding the younger man by the small of his back with one of his hands.  
Probably waiting for him to change his mind, or even to beg him louder than that...who knew.

However, Haise wasn't there to be treated with respect and kindness, but to be left bruised and hurting instead...alive in the most disgusting way possible.

Because he deserved nothing less.  
Because it was all that he could bear.  
Because he didn't need any more delusions and fantasies.

That was not a dream, and he was not in love with a righteous man.

So he begged for more with harsh words and digging claws, biting down his request for pain on Matsuri's shoulder.

And pain was what he got...and it hurt so good it almost made him cry of joy.

"Almost" being the key word.

*

He came back to the Chateau with his pockets full of money he didn't want.

Apparently, Matsuri had interpreted his clinginess for loneliness, consequently giving Haise what he thought the young man would need to be happier.

"I know we can't see each other in public...but I'm sure I can give you something to forgive me."  
Those had been his exact words.  
"Treat yourself to something that you might like, and consider it a present from me".  
That had been the actual sentiment from his part.

Matsuri would have been absolutely terrible at dating, but a great sugar daddy at the end of the day.

On his way home, Haise had thought about many ways to spend the money, wondering what he could buy for the kids and Touka while he was on the packed train that very morning. He was proud of himself for deflecting Matsuri's insistence for him to be escorted by Abara, even though the young man had had to work his magic on his supervisor by...giving him head during their heated discussion.

Not that Haise had minded, but all that talking and arguing and swallowing had left him with a bit of a sore throat.

Anyway during the ride, his eyes focused on a young couple by one of the automatic doors of the car: she seemed to be an high school student, with a simple uniform and a bag in her hand; the boy, on the other hand, seemed to be much older than her, with jet black hair and a couple of tattoos peeking through his crew neck blue shirt.

Haise couldn't see the girls face, for she was seemingly asleep on her boyfriend's chest, but the scene in itself was adorable to look at nonetheless. The boy was strangely familiar, but the young man couldn't pinpoint the exact time when he might have seen him around.  
They were sleepy and happy, swaying slowly to the rhythm of the train moving underneath their feet.

And Haise was there, looking at them with envy and longing, unable to remember what it had been like going to school before the incident.

He then decided to spend the money on some presents for his kids, since he didn't have time for that kind of feelings anyway.

Since he didn't have space in his heart for that anymore.

*

Weeks passed, and nights too.

It was the end of August when his routine began looking more and more like a normal life.

Matsuri had insisted for him to come back to the office by the beginning of September, filing Haise's request for his return without the young man's permission in the first place. Haise only request on the matter had been to see his working time shortened to four hours instead of eight, so that he could not tire himself out while being forced to use only one hand to sign up papers upon papers.

Touka had begun coming home from her nights with expensive presents in her satchel every once in a while, not that she was particularly happy with that. She had explained the fact by addressing her weird only-customer's appreciation for her body "filling up" thanks to Ginshi's marvelous cooking skills. But after deep reasoning she ended up deciding on selling most of the gifts on the Internet as Saiko had taught her to.

Every Saturday, the kids had been visiting Doctor Fura's apartment for their weekly sessions, discussing problems together as a family instead of keeping secrets from one another. And the therapist himself had had nothing but praises for the kids while giving Haise his opinion on the situation.

Saiko's ever-progressing relationship with Ayumu had been able to make the girl reconsider her entire approach to life.  
She had become more energetic and straightforward, supported by her girlfriend's gentle words even when she felt at loss because of depression. Struggling still with eating the right amount during the meals, Haise's baby girl had been able to overcome most of her fears in less than a month now that everyone in the family was actively trying to be earnest and aware towards others.

Ginshi had improved his cooking as a way to cope with the stress caused by his studies. His part time job at the precinct had been a great way for him to exercise self discipline too, juggling between duties and responsibilities in an healthier way since Haise had been more present at home. His friendship with Shinsanpei and Touma seemed to be a good influence for him as well, especially now that he had to focus on his reparative examination to access the university courses at the Academy.

Urie had begun his rehabilitation therapy, unable to determine what exactly withdrawal symptoms consisted of since he didn't seemed to experience any. Apparently, his constant exercising was enough to satisfy his body need for testosterone, but not to the point of diminishing the estrogen surplus in his system. The extra breast tissue would eventually disappear in due time after a mastectomy...something that embarrassed Urie greatly, no matter his determination to heal soon from his self-destructive habits.

Tooru had finally spilled the tea, distraught by the fact that his cycle was getting angrier and angrier with him after having neglected his therapy for the longest time. And the boy had asked to schedule an appointment with Doctor Shiba for discussing what to do next.

Most of his insecurities had derived from Urie's change in attitude, and Tooru had been afraid of approaching the subject of the top surgery now that he feared his boyfriend might have been in need of one as well. His old traumatic experiences had resurfaced too, making him feeling worthless for defending himself when faced with a threat so many years before.

He had been noticing a relapse from his part in regards of his self-deprecating tendencies, triggered by the thought of being in an abusive situation like the one he had survived from. But now that Urie's aggressiveness seemed to be under control, the kid was confident in pursuing the hormonal therapy.

He still didn't want to reveal everything about his past to the others, though.  
And this, to be completely honest, troubled Haise to no end.

«I'm sure he'll just need some time.», Touka said in response to Haise's concern towards Mucchan, even though he hadn't specifically revealed any detail of the kid's previous life, «I don't know what happens to him but you cannot force him to do anything without talking with him first.»

«Maybe you're right. I shouldn't fret it...», he conceded, opening her legs wide in front of him.  
«I'm always right.», she insisted, relaxing on the pillows scattered behind her shoulders.  
Well, it was pretty difficult to take her seriously in that particular situation.

Touka was, indeed, currently laying on her back on Haise's bed, half naked and ready for business.  
The door closed, the windows obscured, and no one at home to eavesdrop on them.  
No one to hear her begging him to stop.  
Perfect indeed.

«But it sure was a surprise to learn just how many drugs are in this house. Quite the exciting life you all lead, don't you?», she joked,  
«...oh, please. Most of those are hormones that Tooru and I...and even Urie now, have to take to balance our biological needs. Then there are Saiko's and Mucchan's meds for their obsessive compulsive habits, my antidepressants and sleeping pills.»

He preferred to not mention his "other" pills.  
Even more so because he had absolutely no idea where they had been hidden.

Touka rose an eyebrow at that, but it was unclear if it had been a sarcastic response to his list of medicines...or maybe a way to make her suspicions show. She had a way to just _know_ whenever he was keeping something from her.

«Anyway...you never told me why you have to take hormones in the first place.», she mindlessly enquired, before looking regretful all of a sudden, «Ah, I'm sorry Haise. Its not my place for asking you such things...»

«Don't worry about it.», he reassured her in all honesty, sporting a mischievous smile on his face nonetheless, «I'm going to make you scream after all...you can ask me anything you want.», he mocked her, spreading evenly the hot substance in between her legs.  
She had asked him to not be too rough on her, nor to go on raw on her sensitive body.  
What a sissy she was, really...

«Y-you promised to be gentle, right?», she said in a shiver, bracing herself at the warm feeling permeating her groin.  
«Of course my dear.», he said with a sickeningly sweet voice, rubbing his covered left palm on her slit, careful to not hurt her...yet.  
«...please don't...don't make me wait anymore. I can't s-stand it.», she tried again, so afraid she could squirm away any time right then.  
«Trust me, Touka...I'll be so quick you're not even going to notice it.»  
«Haise...»  
«Three.»  
«...ahn. Oh god...»  
«Two.»  
«Please...!»  
«One.»

And he pulled with everything he got!

Making Touka scream on top of her lungs on the sheets, before she could catch her breath in shock after what had appended.

Being in need of a good wax as she was, it was a miracle she hadn't rolled off from the bed out of pain in the first place.

«Ah! Fuck you Haise!»  
«...oh, I'm so sorry Touka.»  
«No you're not! You bastard...», she insisted, covering her face in pain, muttering some other obscenities into her palms...before Haise could press a wet and cool towel on her itchy skin.

Then, she became all sweet and soft, apologizing profusely to her friend for badmouthing him.  
«I'm sorry for ever doubting you...»  
«Yeah, yeah, I know.», he said in a condescending tone, rising from the mattress to throw away the used strip and to retrieve some razors and cream from his bathroom. «Don't move around too much, the wax is sitting right next to your bum.»

She looked the evil container, narrowing her eyes at it as if to curse it, «...did you really had to do it with your non-dominant hand?»  
«I had no choice, Touka. And you can't do it alone in any case...», he said while offering the razor blades to the young woman, quietly observing her shaving herself with meticulous gestures and careful touches.  
That was certainly something that he had never had to do.

«I have low testosterone levels, that's why I don't have much body hair to begin with.», Haise finally revealed as soon as she was done with her task, keeping silent until then in order to not distract her while holding such sharp objects.  
They looked at each other for a couple of minutes, mulling over what had been said and done.

«...you really are similar to Kaneki.», she suddenly wondered while standing up, stepping into the bathroom to wash the rest of the wax off of her body.  
«Am I now?», he mocked, following her to the sink, judging it wouldn't be a probably to invade her privacy at that point.  
«Well...a part from the chin, cheekbones, and your overall facial structure, you mean? Absolutely.»  
«And why is that?»

«...oh it's just that...Kaneki didn't have any testicles, that is.», she casually mentioned, perfectly at ease with what she had just said, like she was talking about the weather or something like that, «A thing called "anorchia"...caused by low testosterone in their body before they were even born.», she explained in a serious tone, drying her groin with a little too much energy for it to be actually refreshing.

When she stepped out of the shower, however, many emotions and regrets seemed trapped in her purple eyes.  
And Haise couldn't do anything but watch her closely, looking for any possible sign of an imminent crisis from her part.

«We never...we actually had never had sex before that night a part from some oral.», she continued, retrieving her panties from the bed, putting them back on before searching for her hot pants, «Kaneki was too embarrassed to have a body like that to let my hands wander downwards. I was able to see their body naked only once, but even then I was the only one being able to actually come. They...they wouldn't let me please them, no matter what.»

«...is...is that why you tried to ravish me the first time we met?», the young man tried to say in order to ease the tension in the room, leaning on the side of his closet while looking at her dressing up.  
Touka smiled briefly at that, nodding her head.  
«I guess you're right.»

She walked slowly toward him, calmly swinging open the doors of the wardrobe...to Haise's disbelief and shock.  
But Touka didn't seem surprised at all to see all of those skirts and soft fabrics dangling from the racks, caressing them instead with awe and curiosity.

«Kaneki had a cute small cleft chin, and a soft face. They were an introvert at heart, interested in literature...but they struggled with their physical appearance to the point of exercise daily to be able to protect others.», she described with tenderness in her voice, before looking up at Haise and broadening her smile.

«But even if you are selfless like them, or even not that masculine to begin with...», she continued, lightly brushing her fingers through the many dresses inside Haise's closet with an understanding expression on her face.

«You are not them. I'm sure of it...testis a part, obviously.», she joked.

Touka didn't know of his incident.  
Nor had she been aware of his Psychogenic Amnesia.  
Haise wasn't Kaneki...but he could have been...  
...maybe?

«How...how did they die, Touka?», he asked in all seriousness, approaching his friend until he could feel her cheek resting on his shoulder, until he was able to breathe in her scent on the top of her head. She hugged him closely, swaying back and forth to calm herself down.

She was dissociating in her own way, at her own pace.  
And there was nothing wrong with it.

Haise had been afraid of that possibility for a very long time, ever since they had met each other...he had been terrified by the thought of being affected by someone else's detachment from reality.

And even though he still didn't know why he had felt that way, he was now confident that their way to cope with traumas were different. For, while he felt like multiplying himself within his own mind, she could simply extract herself from reality by floating away on invisible wings. Touka was in need of an anchor, so that she could be present on that very Earth she loved so much.

And Haise, for as many voices resided in him, for as many moods he could experience during a single day...Haise would be that anchor for her.  
Since she was the one holding his pieces together in her warm and familiar embrace.

He could do it.  
He wanted to.

«Kaneki was shot in an alley at night.», Touka quietly revealed, seeking a closure for her mourning once and for all, «I was shot too...hence the scar you've asked me about some time ago. Kankei tried to protect me...but after they got me...Kaneki was hit too. And I woke up alone in the hospital some days after the fact...and the nurses told me he had already been buried. But they didn't tell me where.», she concluded, pulling away from Haise in order to look at him in the eye.

«That's why I freaked out so much when you disappeared for days in June. Or even last time, when you had a fever. I'm sorry Haise for being so clingy at a time, but I've seen too much...and I don't ever want to lose you again.»

He hugged her even tighter than before, peering into his open closet door from under his lashes, grateful that Touka could be so caring towards him.

«...I don't want to lose you either.»

Never.  
Not even for a second.

*

It was the last Monday of August when Haise had to visit Arima before going back to the office.

In the last three weeks since the establishment of their new professional boundaries, the young man had a hard time adjusting to his new meds, but he would have not denied their positive effect in a million years.

Sure. They made him dizzy, and sometimes nauseous if he wasn't careful enough with the dosage.  
And...sure. It had become quite the task to concentrate at night to study German with sleepy eyes.

But every morning he felt more refreshed then the day before, the chemicals in his brain finally balanced, his mind at ease. And even if it was still a little foggy in his mind sometimes, he knew that he just had to get accustomed to the meds' side effects...eventually.  
His hallucinations, for instance, hadn't disappeared completely.

Any time he was upset, he could almost see the little white-haired kid sitting next to him, but every time he showed up Haise refused to look at him.  
Sometimes he found himself sitting on the floor in the middle of the night for no apparent reason...but that was it.

Nothing exciting to report to Arima, really.  
Hence Haise's confusion over his psychiatrist's insistence in making him spill the tea.

«...I've already told you, Arima. There is nothing new a part from my usual uneasiness.», the young man declared, once again dodging the older man's questions by denying any possible dialogue between them, «And you can see that for yourself by reading my journal anyway...», he concluded, his voice dripping with sarcasm and irony...even though he had been the one offering to show his notes to Arima in the first place.

«You can always lie in your own story.», he mindlessly noted, closing Haise's diary once again with an unsatisfied expression.  
«...but I'm the one who bought it to you.»  
«And that's not suspicious in the slightest.»  
Arima's logic was too strict on the matter, so much it actually made Haise feel stupid for trying to argue with him.

«Well, it's not my fault if you...»  
«I'm not giving any prescription to you, unless we have a decent conversation on your wellbeing, Haise.», the older man quietly reminded him, sending a shiver down his patient's spine by pronouncing his first name alone.

And by the sound of it, he was patiently waiting for him to crumble under the pressure of his words...like a father waiting for their kid to apologize after doing something awfully stupid.

Haise looked down at his feet, suddenly aware of the way their relationship was changing because of his own stubbornness. He felt embarrassed in front of the older man, and even if his attraction towards him still lingered at the edge of his consciousness...there was something else.

A different tension between them had begun to sweep through every breath and every words, a chemistry made out of misunderstandings and disregarded expectations.  
The time when Haise had been deserving of Arima's pride and trust was long gone.  
But now, of those nostalgic days, remained nothing but misery and disobedience from his part.

And even if the young man could never dare to aspire of being Arima's lover...he certainly had crushed any possibility of being deemed by the man as a son worthy of his love and trust.

He didn't know why it was so impossible for him to –at least– have the right to recognize Arima as a father figure, but he kept his hopes down anyway.  
Perhaps, seeking that kind of relationship with the man would have finally prevented any romantic bond from happening between them.

...not that bad, all things considered.

But certainly improbable, judging by the way things were evolving.

«In one of your notes of two weeks ago you wrote about your desire to go out with one of your dresses on.», the man said with little to no tact in his voice. Not that he was skeptical towards Haise's gender identity, not in the slightest...but since their "quarrel" he had been awfully straightforward with his questions and assumptions.

Not that he was angry either...but certainly not so delicate anymore.

«What...what about it?», the young man asked with quite the attitude, relaxing on the armchair with a provocative demeanor.  
Arima didn't seem to notice, going on with his question.

«You described the fact by addressing your need to "hide behind Sasko's mask", instead of talking about it as one of your desires.»

«...so?», the young man retorted, with such rudeness it could have actually competed with the act of resting his feet on Arima's desk.  
However, he was too much of a chicken to actually try that, of course.

He wanted to piss the man...but not to the point of getting killed in the attempt, that was.

Arima perfectly read the situation for what it was, and so complied at the best of his possibilities by shaking his head in disbelief.  
« _So_...I want you to tell me more about Sasako.», he finally settled for, clearly impatient and tired of Haise's games.

«But I have already told you...it's just one of the many identities that I used while clubbing. What else there is to add?»

«I just want to hear the story once again...consider it as a strange quick from my part. I like to be informed of various kinds of things, you know.»  
The sarcasm was not lost to Haise, who found himself considering how he might have picked the wrong person to meddle with.

«...there is nothing to say on the matter in my opinion.», were Haise's last word on the subject.  
Their echo causing hell to descend on Earth as soon as it reached Arima's ears.

«...you are aware of the consequences of a persistent and prolonged dissociative state in your conditions, I hope.», his psychiatrist reminded him, folding his hands on the one knee, furrowing his eyebrows like he was trying to prevent any frustration from showing on his face.

Then, all of a sudden, something changed in his demeanor.

He shot a glance at the young man, catching his complete attention with a single gaze.  
«You're system is using dissociation as a coping mechanism more frequently than what it used to do before the abduction.», the older man said in a low and...quiet tone. Lulling Haise into following his voice with interest and wonder.  
With incredulity and awe at the same time.

«And I need you to be aware of what hides behind your own mask, Haise.», the other concluded, waiting for the young man to grasp the meaning behind what he had just told him.

«My...mask?», the young man asked, confused.

Arima's voice had become quite...captivating and intense.  
So much that Haise couldn't stop listening to him, hanging off his words like a worshipper begging for a miracle.  
His eyes too were...so bright and fascinating, like they were...pulling him over in their orbit...capturing him in their center...

And Haise had already witnessed to such a trick, he was sure of it...even though he couldn't remember when it had happened in the first place.

But then, everything changed, the tension back on full force, their silence tainted with unspoken feelings and regrets.  
The elastic had been pulled to the breaking point.  
And there was no going back now.

«How many sexual partners have you been interacting with from the beginning of the year?», Arima suddenly asked, confusing him even more.  
«...what? How does that have anything to do with...?»

«Did you pursue dangerous and risky sexual activities with strangers in consecutive occasions?», the man insisted, making him nervous all of a sudden.  
«T-this is none of you...of your business, I cannot believe you...»

«Do you frequently masturbate even when you don't want to, as a way to self-harm?», he hammered again and again, forcing him out of his numbness.  
« _Enough_!»

Haise's shout could have been probably heard from the outside, reverberating through his bones from head to toe.  
Making him shake with the intensity of his rage.

«Finally.», the older man considered, leaning on his knees with his elbows while staring at him in the eyes, «It seems that I have your attention now.»

But when the young man looked up from under his bangs, watching closely as his psychiatrist rose from his chair, he could feel nothing but fear in his heart. And as Arima walked with slow and purposeful steps towards him, something began to cripple inside Haise's broken head.

He squirmed away from the man on the armchair, panicking at the thought of angering Arima so much.  
Devastated by the mere idea of being near to his own demise.  
And even if he knew he was exaggerating and blowing things out of proportion...he almost completely lost it when the other trapped him from above on the armchair with his hands.

Forcing him to look directly into his dark blue eyes. Daring him to look away...not that he had angered the God of death.

The session continued.  
To Haise's horror.

«Is Sasako a mere figment of your imagination?», Arima pressed to know, his voice betraying more frustration and pain of what his face could show, «A character that you created, if you want...or is she a different entity, another fragment of your identity?»

«...I...I don't know what you're talking about.», Haise tried to say, unconsciously covering his left ear to not listen to him.

But Arima wouldn't have any of it, rising his voice to be heard as clear as possible.  
Always collected and calm, always strict and composed...but determined nonetheless to draw something out of him.  
Even by force, if necessary.

«Maybe she used to be a simple character and now she's evolved into something more complex and real.», he insisted, leaning over Haise...looming on his face until the young man couldn't look away from him.

«Maybe, in the beginning, she used to be a mask behind which you could hide...a secret identity for you to benefit from whenever you wanted to express your gender more freely.», the older man continued, drilling his words into Haise's head...deeper and deeper and deeper.

«Maybe, now, she had showed herself as a way to make you face reality...or to protect you from something else entirely.»

And Haise couldn't even shake his head in denial.  
Too petrified to actually care.  
Unable to escape anywhere but...

«And, if she is actually another " _you_ " inside your head...is she using you in order to roam freely?»

...into their own mind.

«Can you please stop?», someone said...  
...using Haise's voice to do so.

«You're hurting him, you know?», that very someone added...  
...while rolling their eyes in frustration.

And the young man began losing his senses one by one. His vision blurring, his grip on his head diminishing to a light caress...a gentle pat on his hair.  
Comforting him, reassuring him that nothing could harm him in any way.

Not now, that she was there.

 _It's okay Haise...it's fine._  
"What...what is happening?"

 _Everything is fine, trust me._  
«...m-mum?», he called in confusion, before letting go of his hold on their consciousness.

Before letting Sasako take his place once again.

_Let me deal with this._

*

She had had enough of that bullshit.

Haise didn't deserve any of that unfair treatment, not under her watch anyway.

«Why do you have to hurt him so...Arima Kishou?», she asked while crossing her knees and kneading her rigid neck with her right hand.  
Yami tried to take her place by cracking their right knuckles one by one, but she was able to stop him simply by grabbing the tingly hand in her left one.  
Arima Kishou witnessed all of that, but said nothing on the matter.

«I had to take you out of there, after all.», he easily retorted instead, fisting his hands by the sides.

Sasako sized up the man in front of her, takin in the sight of his well-fitted clothes and seemingly expensive shoes. Not a single garment on the man's body seemed new, and it was clear that most of those items of clothing had been resized to suit him better...but not out of narcissism or vanity.

It was almost like...almost like he was wearing someone else's clothes, someone else's skin.  
And, perhaps, even someone else's life.

Arima Kishou kept staring at her until she was finished observing him.  
Forcing her to reveal herself even more under his glacial gaze and annoyed expression.

«This thing is pretty tiring to do, you know?», she tried to say, before being rudely interrupted by him.  
«Then talk.», Haise's psychiatrist insisted, stepping back from her armchair to give her the space she needed.  
He buried his hand into his pockets, stoic and perfect as always.

...what a strange person Haise's little crush was.

«What do you want to know?»  
«Were you there when he was younger, in his youth?»

Umpf. Figures.  
Headshrinkers and their fixation with people's childhood, always ready to bring up dirt and faults...  
...always there to blame the mother.

«I don't remember.», she earnestly responded, vaguely alarmed by the question in the first place.  
«After the incident, then.»

He sure was one hell of a stubborn individual to deal with.  
Sasako considered her possibilities, sensing a crippling headache making its way into her train of thoughts. A pain increasingly heavier and heavier to shoulder on her own...so much that she eventually had to reconsider her position and consider the possibility to give up the upper hand.

«And if I tell you...you'll stop harassing him this much?», she asked, her breath already labored, the temperature suddenly too hot for her liking.  
But her discomfort could do nothing to warm up the cold exterior of that man.  
Who was watching her with calculating eyes and an unforgiving attitude.

...it seemed she had no choice but to talk then.  
But certainly she wasn't the type to give him all he was asking for.

«Well...sometimes he felt like a girl, sometimes like both, but usually he was a boy and that was it.», Sasako began, unbuttoning her shirt a little more, lightheaded and suffering under the rising temperature all around her, «His distress bought him to experiment a little more...but never as "Haise" as a whole. He had to be polite and gentle, he had to be careful and responsible...but his _Sasako-persona_ didn't have to. And when he felt more girly he wore that mask...my mask, both to have an excuse to express her gender and Haise's need to get off some steam.»

It had been quite difficult for Sasako to watch Haise hide behind her independent behavior and strong personality.  
Just as it had been a constant pain for her observing the young woman denying herself any freedom or enjoyment in the past six years.

But she had tried her best to never interfere with Haise's life.  
Nor when he was a boy, nor when she was a girl...

...and certainly never when they had been both.

«He did the exact same thing whenever he felt to be two genders at once...but they felt the most ashamed during those times.», she tiredly explained, rubbing her right palm on her face out of frustration and regret...suddenly remembering that it wouldn't have been proper for her to ruin her...  
...ah, right.

She wasn't wearing makeup that evening.  
She didn't even have her wig on, for crying out loud.

More at ease with herself now that she had being reminded of their body's actual appearance, Sasako continued her speech with a bit too much sarcasm in her voice, «Haise had beaten himself up more than once because they felt like a deviant, like someone unworthy of love, and to face this...they had become the very same thing they feared the most: an unforgiving and unapologetic serial one-night-stander.»

In front of her, Arima Kishou didn't try to interrupt her anymore.  
Probably sensing how few minutes of autonomy she had for speaking her mind.

Sasako rose her chin in a daring expression, vaguely wondering if that man would have been like anyone else.  
Someone ready to declare to have nothing against deviants like them...while being actually too much of a coward to accept them for who they were.  
Or even to love them for how many they might be in a single mortal body.

«If I...as "Sasako" had no shame in Haise's imagination, well...Yami had no inhibitions.», she concluded.  
Deeply saddened by that reality herself.  
For she was unable to change it, unable to love it...  
...and unable to hate it, on top of all.

A quiet moment of silence was shared between the two of them.  
It lasted long enough for Sasako to mourn its loss when Arima opened his mouth once again to voice his judgment.  
And the lot of them cringed at the thought of being criticized for something they had no control over.  
For something they had no right to protect themselves from.

«You are born from his denial.», the man said with a tender but afflicted voice, «And I fear he will never be able to overcome his fears until you keep him from getting hurt in the process.», he continued, looking at her from above, his face set ablaze in the white light coming from the window behind Sasako's armchair. His words echoing in the silent room, their waves multiplied again and again in the halls of their empty skull.

Nonsense.  
She was there to protect him.  
She had always been there to do so.

Maybe Yami was right. Maybe that man was indeed dangerous enough to eradicate the lot of them with a single word. Maybe that was why the kids were constantly afraid of something within Haise's mind...crying and tossing inside their brain, terrified of a great unseen evil.

Even just by looking at Arima Kishou she could clearly feel their high pitched voices, takings down the dome of their collective cage one tile at a time.

And she had to do something about that, even if energies were quickly leaving their body.  
Even if she had to plant the seed of doubt into that busybody of a psychiatrist's mind.  
...even if said man was Haise's most precious person in the whole world.

«...I remember you.», Sasako suddenly revealed, reminded of that sweet, sweet night when his dear boy had been happy in that man's arms, «Haise has forgotten, for he forced himself to...but I remember you. At that time she was wearing my mask, but I could watch you kissing her from behind her eyes.», she explained, relaxing on the armchair even more, feeling her grip on reality slipping away from her fingers.

«What do you mean that he forced himself to forget?», Arima Kishou asked, unfazed by that revelation.

 _What an asshole, really._  
"Shut it you."

She retrieved her talk with the older man, ignoring Yami's bitchiness for the time being.  
Way too tired for his shit so late in the day.

«Well, you're obviously forcing yourself to ignore what had happened that night in the club, or that morning in the bookstore...so why should I make it easier for you to make your job?», she mocked him, leaning back on the armchair, «Why should I make it easier for you...if you keep hurting him this much?»

She then closed her eyes, exhausted from all that talking, tired after living Haise's life in his stead.  
The last thing she was able to distinguish in her darkening field of vision was the man.  
Looking at her from above, not with lingering eyes...but with sorrow instead.  
Like she was to be pitied instead of loved by anyone.

Like all of them should be dead and gone...  
...instead of living such a horrible life.

*

The car was moving slowly, swaying him back to sleep.

But something was preventing him from doing so, something warm and tightly embracing him by the head and shoulders.

Two arms...no...two pair of arms were hugging him in the back seat of a roaring car.  
While a feminine voice from the front seat murmured incomprehensible words to a bright phone screen.

«...Arima called me to pick him up. Apparently, he fainted during their session.», came Akira's unmistakably anxious tone from the driver seat.

«But what happened exactly, dear?», someone else spoke from the phone attached to the dashboard...Takizawa, judging by their tender voice.

«I really don't know, Taki...I was out with the girls at the hairdresser's when he called me.»  
«...surely Arima had to say something about that, though.»  
«He seemed troubled. I've never seen him like this since he was recovering from the aggression...something like seven years ago, or so.»  
«How's Haise? Did he regain consciousness?»  
«...he actually did, right after entering the car. But then he fell asleep once again.»  
«And now? Are you taking him to the hospital?»  
«No...I'm stuck in traffic, damnit...home is right around the corner in any case.»

They kept discussing the matter for a couple of minutes or so before adding Amon to their conversation via chat, explaining to their partner the situation from the beginning once again. A pretty boring circumstance, after all.

The girls, on the other hand, had been awfully gentle with him, bundling him up in their jackets and light scarves as if to protect him from evil.

«He's still shaking...I don't know what to do anymore.», the one with light hair whispered, caressing his head to comfort him.  
«He's drenched in sweat, maybe we can find some clothes for him at home.», the one with dark hair considered, stroking his right arm to warm him up.

But it was useless.  
He couldn't feel anything from fingers to shoulder.

«Kuro...I think he's like us.»  
«Shiro, please. I don't think he had been toyed with the way we...»

«...yes, father?», the young man mindlessly asked, not even looking at the girls, «...did you call me?», he continued, shuddering at the thought of the man's steps getting nearer and nearer.

Remembering all the times he had been too much in pain to recognize his father's voice before answering to his persistent call.  
Remembering all the times he had been hit and violated and shamed...because he had forgot to respond to his summoning.  
Remembering when he had been so captivated by someone else's voice in the past, just like he had been that evening.

The girls looked at him with blazing eyes and a questioning gaze, embracing him even more tightly than before.  
Rocking him back and forth until he fell asleep...

«...shit, he's just like us...you were right, sis.»  
«I'm always right...but I don't like it one bit.»

...until he felt nothing anymore.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haise is genderfluid. Period. At least in this fic (and maybe in canon too, eheh).  
> We'll have to see how our cinnamon roll will react when he will discover his actual condition. Gender identity and mental illness can be difficult concepts to grasp at the beginning of the various stages of grief...believe me.
> 
> The fact is that, I began this fic as a fun summer project to improve my English. But then my mental health and IRL problems asked me to give them more consideration.  
> And I recently discovered that I suffer from DID, on top of my bipolar disorder (comorbidity, something like that). And even if I had begun this fic with the intention of depicting Haise having DID since the beginning...I would have never thought for the life of mine to have it too.  
> This is why it's difficult for me to write these chapters, because I am heavily dramatizing a condition that for me...is not...that dramatic to begin with? Sometimes it doesn't sound right, you understand?  
> Dissociative identity disorder is all about past traumas and the way someone's mind is able to react to such experiences. Sometimes I will exaggerate the way I depict this condition, more as a way to detach myself from my own condition in the first place.
> 
> I love writing and I won't stop.  
> Just...be patient with me, its a rough time.  
> AND I will make corrections to the chapters in regards of grammar and spelling and syntax and so on, I'm so sorry for everything, really.
> 
> Thank you to that lonely anon (my first ever anon! And the only one...for now) who helped me staying afloat during my last week of writing with their kind message on my tumblr.  
> Another giant thank you to that mutual of mine who made me listen to [this song](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WWBKxNIVgac) ( I match your suggestion and I raise you [one](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mCVHmS1HNCI) ). You know who you are and I thank you deeply for your help during my days of struggling. See you soon in the chat captain!  
> And thank you to [fineinthemorning](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fineinthemorning/pseuds/fineinthemorning) too for being such a nice person. And a great writer as well! Check out my friend's fics!  
> Also, a big hug to all the mutuals supporting me (you know who you are) while I was writing a [small smut fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7567465) starring Kyoko Aura and Touka Kirishima. 
> 
> Check out [my personal page](http://you-are-not-a-drone.tumblr.com/about-me) on tumblr for more ficlets (very few at the moment), headcanons, AU ideas, and drawings.
> 
> Sorry for the shameless self-promotion, but maybe you'll enjoy some of my content.  
> I hope? (;O.o)  
> Have a wonderful day!


	7. No more dreaming, no more feeling...no more anything at all.

_Or trade the memory of this night for food._

  
As soon as Touka had heard the news, she had took the kids and showed herself in front of the Mados's house.  
And that was certainly not the way Haise had envisioned to introduce his not-girlfriend to his not-mother, to say the least.

Apparently, it had been Amon to open the door when Touka had arrived in front of their home, not Akira herself. However, since the young woman had been already briefed on Haise's familiar situation by the kids on the train, Touka had immediately declared her intention to talk with Akira, not at all intimidated by Amon's imposing figure on his wheelchair. Then, after instructing the kids to go check on Haise in the guest room, the young woman had waited downstairs for Akira to meet with her in front of a cup of tea...in the middle of the night.

No one knew what the two of them had talked about in the kitchen while Amon was reassuring the kids on Haise's conditions.  
No one dared to ask either, given that the idea of Touka and Akira in the same room was frightening enough in itself.  
Since then, however, the two women hadn't spoke to one another again.

Haise, on his part, remembered that night of two days before as a tiring situation to deal with, even if at the time he had been unaware of Touka's presence in the house. He had been glad to see his kids, even if he had witnessed Ginshi kneeling down on the floor and crying a river for no apparent reason. 

And the young man vaguely remembered Saiko stroking gently her brother's head, explaining to Haise how tired the older kid was, and how worried for him all of them had been since Akira had given them the news on the phone. Tooru and Urie had then seated on the bed where Haise was laying on, asking him what exactly had happened during his session with the psychiatrist.

Then, however, Kurona and Nashiro had appeared on the guest room door with snacks and drinks, putting a definitive end to the discussion.  
Since then, the twins had never left Haise's side for two days straight...to the point of sleeping with him on the bed, making sure he was properly bundled up. And, contrary to the young man's expectations, their caring attitude had been a pleasant occurrence.

That night in particular, the girls had practically thrown themselves on top of him, with sprawled limbs all over the place, hugging him tightly from both sides in order to keep him warm. Having recently dyed their hair, the top of their head smelled a little funny, but that was actually good for him, always in need of some sort of external stimuli to grasp onto, all in order to avoid dissociating.

He focused on the girls' presence all around him: their weight securing him down on the mattress, their soft and slow breathing lulling him to sleep again and again every time he woke up. And their positions were funny too, with Kurona unceremoniously tossing left and right while mumbling in her sleep, and Nashiro quietly snoring with her face pressed on Haise's left side.  
Someone farted at some point, and Haise had an hard time trying to suppress a laugh.

But every ounce of glee left his body as soon as he noticed someone peering inside the room through the crack of the door.  
He recognized Akira's figure immediately, noticing how pale her face looked while being lit by the portable light in her hands.

They looked at each other for a while, in silence...for they didn't want to wake the girls, nor did they have anything to talk about.

Then, Akira left without even the smallest of nods of gestures of greeting.  
She just left, leaving him to his thoughts in an unfamiliar room, with two unfamiliar girls...  
...and three too familiar figures watching him from the end of the bed.

Sasako, Yami, and the white-haired child were looking at him with sorrow in their eyes, the lot of them displayed in front of him like they were posing for a picture. Yami with the kid in his arms, and Sasako gently stroking the child's left hand in one of hers.  
And there was something else behind the her...someone else, crouched down on the floor.

But before Haise could recognize the small figure in the dark, one of the twins stirred next to him, diverting his attention from his haunting ghosts.  
Forcing him to seek the company of the Present, instead of lingering in the memory of the Past.

*

He had fallen asleep that night forgetting all about the nightmarish experience he had after Akira had left.  
When he woke up the next morning, it was the first day of September and a text on the phone bid him a good morning.

Strangely enough, it said "Everything is under control, don't panic."  
Well, that was unusual.

It was from Matsuri...who had never been that much of a sap in the first place.  
Not to the point to write him a message in the morning, that was for sure.

During the days he had spend at the Mados', Matsuri had called, probably planning one of their nights together instead of asking him what had happened to him. But Haise had found it comforting nonetheless to hear his voice, and he had reassured him he was fine and ready to get back to work.  
Eventually, however, they had settled on postponing his return to the first Monday of September, granting the young man four more days to recover.

It wasn't that bad to date the boss after all...even though said boss was too cautious to actually show up to the Mados to visit him.  
But Haise had always known what he had signed up for when he had accepted Matsuri's offer, so he had nothing to be sad about.

He quickly answered the text by (distractedly and mindlessly) wishing him a good day at work before leaving the guest room in search of something to eat.  
And Haise, knowing Akira and how busy she had always been, was almost convinced that she had forgotten all about him once again...reminding the many and many times when his previous mentor had left him with only a takeaway menu and some money next to the phone in the kitchen. However, those days were long gone, and Akira wasn't a messy excuse of an adult anymore: she was in a committed relationship with two people, and a mother on top of all.  
Her fridge had to contain some sort of goods, right?

But, as soon as he reached the end of the stairs, he almost crashed onto the twins, who were rushing in the hallway with a tray of food in hand.  
Kurona's spectacles askew on her nose, a rattling cup full of coffee in Nashiro's hand...they looked positively spooked by seeing him appear so suddenly in front of them. But their smile was enough to reassure Haise of their wellbeing.  
They weren't afraid of him anymore.  
And he found a great deal of comfort in this realization.

«Mum and Dad are at the airport to meet with Taki.», Kurona easily explained, gesturing the other two to follow her in the kitchen, «Taki's graduation party is tomorrow, and we'll finally live as a family from now on.», she declared, widening her smile probably to the point of hurting her cheeks.

«We've bought them a series of old school horror movies to watch late at night...for their jet lag, you know.», Nashiro added, sitting down on the chair next to where Haise had decided to stay, «But we bought ourselves high quality earmuffs...just in case.», she suggestively said in a quiet tone, her expression tense at the thought of her parents being intimate with each other.

«...since, you know...last time Taki was here we had just arrived. So...they didn't...get the chance to...uhm...», Kurona fumbled for words, vaguely gesturing to better explain herself, before giving up and drowning her embarrassment with a glass of orange juice.

The both of them seemed pretty mortified by having set themselves up all on their own with that topic, so Haise quietly began drinking his coffee without dwelling too much on the subject at hand. Even though...he cringed inside at the memory of all of those library all-nighters he had pulled in the past in order to avoid staying at Akira's when she had had company.

She could be, well, very loud sometimes.

«A-anyway, we're just happy for Taki to come home. Isn't it right, sis?.», said Nashiro, trying to cheer up her sister, smiling broadly at her. After that, the kids began chatting happily with him about the house, asking him his point of view on the furniture and the general design of the interior, telling Haise all about their plans for decorating the living room for Taki's birthday.

But Haise didn't have to respond to their prompts and questions, for his voice had been silent for the last couple of days.

Ever since that session with Arima, he had been unable to talk.

No one had tried to question the fact until then, not even Touka or his kids.  
Something from inside his heart had silenced him, shutting him down once and for all.

After a while, the twins seemed to be gradually reminded of those circumstances, until they stopped talking altogether in order to finish their breakfast.

Then, gradually but surely, Nashiro focused her attention on Haise, with her eyes lowered just enough to not look annoying or rude.  
«Say...Haise.», she began, shyly at that, diverting her gaze again and again, «It...it couldn't possibly be that you...know something about the Garden, right?»  
The young man waited for her to continue, unable to understand what she was talking about.

But Nashiro eventually shook her head, reaching for her sister's hand from the other side of the table, a sad smile on her face.  
«It's okay, sis...everything is fine. You're here with me now.», Kurona suddenly reassured her, soothing the girl's nerves with her kind words before standing up and walking around the table. «It's okay Shiro, it's not our fault.», she repeated, embracing her sister from behind the chair.

A memory came to mind.

_«Shiro...can you hear me, Shiro? It's your fault...it's all your fault, you know?»_

A deep, angry voice in a dark room full of bugs and centipedes.  
His father...or someone else entirely?

Haise put down the mug in his left hand, sensing it rattling furiously in his grasp.  
Beside him, Nashiro seemed to have calmed down a little, relaxing in her sister's embrace while getting a hold of herself.  
«You're right, Kuro. There's nothing to fear anymore...we're okay now.», she declared, smiling up at the other girl.

A second memory greeted him then.

_«So you're Kuro...a stubborn one, are you? A fellow survivor, I see...»_

A sweet, sickening voice surrounded by a blinding light.  
A woman sitting on the back porch of a traditional Japanese house, admiring a pond full of carps. Light engulfing the scene, instead of darkness, blinding him nonetheless.  
A new memory, different from the previous ones...but vague enough to be similar to the others trapped inside his brain.

But Haise couldn't remember for the life of him what that woman's face looked like, nor did he want to convince himself to have seen her in the first place. It must have nothing but a dream, for sure...just like the woman in glasses who called him Ken. Just like the fabricated memory of a father always displeased with him...maybe to the point of hitting him again and again in a dark room.

It was all fake.

 _Fake like_ you _, you mean?_ , said the voice within his mind, growling those whispers in a mocking tone.

In the meantime, the twins had become very quiet all of a sudden...looking at him in disbelief as the young man kept pulling at his hair with his left hand. After a while, however, Nashiro calmly stood up from her chair and reached for Haise...until she touched him and began to gently stroking the top of his head. She instructed Kurona to find some channel to distract Haise from his distress, maybe in hope to actually cheer him up with a mindless zapping activity or something like that.

But when Kurona switched on the television on top of the kitchen counter, only one news could be heard by Haise's ears while he kept his head down.  
Only one face could be seen by the young man's eyes when he finally found the courage to look up to the screen.

Torso.  
Escaped.  
From Fuchū Prison.

And not a sound could be heard from Haise...if not a sudden, disbelieving laugh.  
Echoing through the halls of Akira's house, dangerously loud in the twins' ears.  
Creepy enough for the girls to shiver in fear.

*

He didn't wait for Akira and her husband to come back. Nor did he postpone his goodbyes just for the sake of welcoming Takizawa.  
The only conscious thing Haise did was greeting the girls on his way to the Chateu, reassuring them of his wellbeing.

As soon as he arrived at home, walking back from the train station, the Chateau didn't fell like an house anymore.

Because that uber driver had taken him there once, back from a club.  
Because that serial killer knew where he lived.  
Because Torso knew where he was.

And the short distance between the gate and the entrance door didn't seem hidden enough.  
In plain sight under the daylight hours, lit by a lamppost during the night.  
Always accessible, constantly under control.

But it was only when he entered the place and shut the door behind trembling shoulders that everything crashed onto him all at once.  
Rushing steps echoed through the hall coming from the kitchen, and suddenly he was surrounded by familiar hands and faces...his kids, all of them. Worried for him probably after listening to the news, judging by their desperate hold and agitated voices.

Touka, on the other hand, was leaning on the corner of the wall at the end of the entrance hall, looking at them with sorrow and concern.  
The two adults locked their gaze with only one thing in mind.

Hell was bound to happen and dwell around once again.  
This time...who knew for how long.

*

Their weekend was spent indoors, their days nothing but an inconsolable sequence of days...minutes...instants filled with grief.

Police had contacted them late in the morning after Haise's return to the Chateau, promising them they would keep an eye on the situation in a way that could let their family lead a normal life. In light of current events Haise and his kids would have been under guard from that point on...even though it was still unclear who might have given such orders in the first place.

In fact, after Torso's escape, no one had ever mentioned even a remote possibility that the serial killer could be looking for revenge by searching his last victim once again.

However, here they were...the lot of the Sasaki Household.  
Looking outside of the Chateau windows to peer at the non-descriptive minivan where at least five officers were monitoring them from outside.

Haise suspected it had been all Matsuri's doing, given the strange message he had last sent him...but he had to wait until Thursday night for asking the man further details on the matter at hand, when he answered a call from his supervisor. Apparently, the CCGS couldn't bear to be outraged and shamed to the point of admitting that one of its most brilliant employees had been implicated in the Torso's case. Hence, the discreet and secretive approach carried out by the police under Matsuri's instructions...probably after some serious act of persuasion from the man's part.

It sounded a bit too much...all that ruckus and fussing over a mere lawyer like him, but Haise refrained himself from questioning the government agency's plans for him. He simply accepted Matsuri's words with the promise to show himself to work the next day...since he had to keep up the presence of a normal life under the CCGS surveillance, far away from any form of suspicion or gossip regarding his absence from work.

And that was that.  
Their house, seemingly safe from harm, had become a comfortable prison for them to hide into.

Matsuri had reassured Haise that they would be able to live normally like they used to do, without restrictions on their habits or daily routines. But it had been only after long debating that the young man was able to convince his supervisor to extend the list of possible visitors. Otherwise, probably none of their friends could have been welcomed inside the house by the police until Torso's eventual capture.

Akira had already called after she had returned from the airport on Thursday afternoon: anxiously waiting for him to explain why he had to go back home right after hearing the news of Torso's escape. And the young man had had to listen to her with gritted teeth, patiently waiting for her to finish her scolding as usual before daring to speak.

And yes, he was able to talk once again.

After what had happened to him, his voice had returned...no matter how cracked or feeble it might have sounded to others.

However, for as much as he wanted others to notice, it seemed like no one could actually listen to him or even care about his point of view a part from his kids and Touka.

Akira and Amon were too busy worrying for him to understand his need for peace, even though he was honestly regretful to have missed Takizawa's return and to have left the twins all alone after receiving the bad news.

Hairu and Koori had contacted him on Friday, asking him if they could come visit and if he was in need of some help with the kids. Take, Kuramoto, and Naoto didn't knew the truth to the point of giving Haise a call but, judging by their supportive text messages, they must have gathered something from Hairu's distress or Koori's increasing number of consumed nicotine chewing-gums. Or something on the line, certainly.

Haise could have easily accepted his fate as a recluse, safe at home with no people bothering him whatsoever.  
For the kids, however, that unusual situation was bound to be too difficult to handle without any visit from their friends' part.  
Saiko was worried about Ayumu, the both of them too affectionate toward each other to stop seeing one another so early in their relationship.  
Ginshi and Urie had begrudgingly decided to stop going out for their usual run every morning, exercising together indoors instead.  
Tooru would have loved to meet with his friends from the cross country team, but felt anxious at the idea of being followed by a policeman during the day...mindful of the days he had spent in the juvenile facility of the prison he had been incarcerated in.

But for as ready as Haise was to satisfy all of his kids' needs, there was someone else he had to care about given the dreadful circumstances he had found himself in. And even if the kids understood perfectly the situation, Haise knew Touka wasn't very keen on the matter in itself.

First of all, they had to disclose the truth about her recent moving in the Chateau to Matsuri...and boy, hadn't it be hard for Haise to explain himself to the man. All of his Saturday night was indeed spent in the attempt to calm down his jealous supervisor over the phone. And it had been only after long arguing with him that the young man was finally able to reassure his lover of the inoffensive nature of Touka's presence. To the point where Haise had to promise again and again to keep in touch with the older man on the girl's situation...in order to obtain the man's trust in the end.

Second of all, Touka didn't like the policemen or police in general.  
Not one bit.  
She didn't want to explain why she was so adverse towards the idea of being under protection, but in any case she was able to figure out how to avoid surveillance during the night all on her own. By sneaking out from her bedroom window late in the day, and consequently climbing over and leaping off the neighbors' hedgerow, she could have easily escaped (and eventually entered) the Chateau whenever she had to leave for her night shift.

It had been tough, to say the least.

And not even Saiko's oh so anticipated birthday was enough of a distraction for the lot of them.  
To the point where they couldn't even get to celebrate it as they would have loved to, refraining themselves from staying up late just for the sake of making a countdown for midnight...as they have done the previous year. And the year before that.  
Saiko herself, that Sunday morning, hadn't even left her room.  
She had slept all day, probably in a desperate attempt to muster up the energy to begin school the following day.

In light of this unfortunate situation, however, the Sasaki Household had decided to surprise her that Monday morning by pretending it was still the 4th of September instead of the 5th, preparing her breakfast while waiting for their little princess to wake up. The lot of them braved their way to the sight is one very skinny, very depressed Saiko, who greeted them like she hadn't just slept for 36 hours straight.

Three days have passed since the news, and it had been a while when the entire family found itself sitting in silence around the dining table.  
It was also Ginshi's last and only chance to pass the examination for his admission to his last year at the Academy, opportunity that Professor Tanakamaru had given him after being informed of their family difficult situation.

So, while his younger siblings were to attend class and his older brother had to talk with his mentor about his thesis project, poor Ginshi would have been examined by his professor for the entirety of the morning. Back in the day, the boy had already lost a year due to his many insecurities and lack of maturity, but in the last year he had grown up into a fine young man, aware of his duties and responsibilities...and his family knew he could do it.  
No matter how, no matter what.

However, the kid had anticipated Saiko's birthday so much during the past couple of days, that that morning he couldn't help himself from smiling brightly in front the lot of them. His examination be damned. That was Saiko's (belated) special day and he wanted nothing more than cheering her up.

Haise's baby girl, however, couldn't even find the energy to open her presents, too tired and wary about the situation at hand to actually enjoy her nineteenth birthday. And it was quite heartbreaking for Haise and Touka to look at the girl that morning: sitting at the table with her hair undone, munching slowly and counting the items on her bowl out of habit, surrounded by packages she had no intention to open any time soon.

Eventually, Tooru was able to convince his sister to unwrap one of them, at least before they had to depart for their first day at the Academy, back from their summer vacation.  
And Saiko, being too precious and kind to turn down even that last request, finally gave in to the temptation and begrudgingly opened one of the presents.  
It was a new staff lined notation book for her music compositions.  
A gift from Urie, who recently had been worried for her lack of dedication in one of her favorite leisure activities.

After unwrapping her present, Saiko stepped down from her chair and hugged her older brother tightly, her actions met with just as much enthusiasm from Urie's part. Some easy bantering sparked in response to Saiko's jokes about Urie's warm and soft chest, but the kids's witty remarks weren't enough of a threat to the joyful atmosphere that had settled in the dining hall.

Then, while the kids returned to their rooms to prepare for the day, Touka collected the dishes and let Haise help her in washing them. She had woken up that morning only to see the kids off and to bid them a good first day of school, regardless of how tired she was after her night shift.

But when they were almost finished with their task, Haise noticed a purplish spot on Touka's left shoulder.  
A bruise so clearly distinguishable from her pale skin that she couldn't dismiss it when the young man pointed it to her.

«Please Haise, it's nothing really.», she reassured him, covering her shoulder by adjusting the hem of her t-shirt, «He's coming back less and less at the club, and soon enough my old patrons will get the clue and...and then they'll ask for me again.», she continued, putting down in the cupboard even the last one of the bowls, «I'll return back to my pole and my usual shifts in no time, really.»

«Does he hit you?», Haise couldn't help himself from asking, worried for her...even if he didn't have the energy to be angry about it.  
And that was already shameful in itself, from his point of view.

«No. He simply...he grabs me really hard. Says that it's useless for him to buy me gifts if I don't wear them all the time.», she easily explained, rolling her eyes into oblivion at the foolish reasoning sported by her client, «He gave me a bracelet this time around...and I better not sell it for at least a couple of weeks. I don't want to anger him.»

The plate she was holding clinked sharply on the kitchen counter, making the both of them cringe in response. Touka had been on the edge since a couple of days before, always careful to refrain herself from speaking too loud or doing something without permission. Like she was tiptoeing around, wishing to disappear...everything in order to be spared fro the circumstances they were in.

«I'm sorry dear...it's just this fucking situation. It got me nervous.», she tried to brush off her discomfort by busying herself with drying off the plate.

Haise couldn't do anything but rest his cheek on top of her head, rubbing it on the soft hair underneath, «It's all my fault.»

«Is it your fault for surviving an aggression?», she rhetorically asked, turning her eyes on him, «Is it your fault he has escaped? Or perhaps is it your fault for being such a wonderful person by letting me stay here?»

He contemplated her words, mulling over their meaning at the rhythm of his heartbeat, feeling his perception of reality slipping away under the pressure of his sense of guilt. Even if the meds were able to make him sleep and control his obsessive habits, no amount of drugs could stop him from dissociating at unexpected moments.

And Touka was still talking to him...but his logic thinking was already too heavy for him to grasp.  
His thoughts afloat, abandoned, and scattered around like the remains of a wrecked ship in the middle of the ocean.  
It was only when he felt a gentle kiss on the cheek that he regained a bit of his senses, still on his feet and leaning on the young woman.

«You're still with me, Haise?», Touka tenderly asked, sneaking an arm around his back to pass her hand through the soft hair on his nape.  
It tickled, making Haise smile in surprise, slowly bringing him back in the present.

«Please Touka, you know I love it too much...»

«What? That you have a weak spot like anyone else on this planet?», she teased him, settling for patting his back instead, respecting his wish to not be touched so intimately, «Does your secret lover know about this...little quirk of yours then?»

Haise was taken aback by her question, feeling suddenly skittish at the thought of Matsuri...reminded of the fact that they would see each other in less than an hour. And he knew, deep down, that he missed more the possessive thrust of his supervisor's hips than his oblivious personality and general lack of attention for the young man's actual needs.

«No, he...he doesn't know about it.», he sadly declared, knowing all too well what those words were implying.  
  
Touka seemed to understand him perfectly, holding him tightly in her arms before talking once again.  
Her voice hoarse, her tone sorrowful.  
«You don't want him to know you at all, isn't it?», she considered, sighing heavily on his chest, sensing his beating heart with her pouting lips while muffling words on his pristine black shirt, «You don't want him to know what it feels good for you.»

Unable to meet her gaze now that she had lifted her head upwards, Haise pressed his lips together in a pitiful attempt to control himself from sobbing. No tears were going to fall that morning, no matter how ridiculous and frustrating his relationship with Matsuri was.

«Then...who?», Touka asked, clearly not to pry but simply out of concern for him.

He lowered his head and looked into her purple eyes, desperately trying to keep up the pretense of being happy, forcing a smile on his cold lips.  
«There's no one else, I can assure y...»

«You're not telling me everything.»

«But there is nothing to tell and...»

«There is.», she calmly retorted, stroking his shoulder blades with both hands to soothe his nerves, «You just haven't found the courage to confess it, not even to yourself maybe.»

And right there and then, even though he was aware of how little time they had that morning, even if he knew it was one hell of a discussion to have right after breakfast...right there and then Haise would have never loved to do anything more than to tell her the truth.

His lips parted, his voice ready to express his fears and needs...  
...when someone rang the bell outside the door, catching his attention.

Next to him, Touka seemed anxious at the thought of welcoming someone inside, even more so because of her animosity towards the officers.

«Go to sleep, I'll deal with your eternal nemesis for now.», he reassured her by gently pushing her toward the end of the kitchen, ignoring her weak attempts to stop him from doing so.

She eventually gave up, and laughed off his concern, «And who that might be?»

«But the Japanese justice system, of course.»

They smiled at each other before parting ways. Touka almost crashing into Shirazu as the kid was rushing to the front door, the both of them safe and sound even after jolting backwards from one another to avoid any harming situation. Haise laughed at the scene, leaving Ginshi to his mission, while waving at Touka's sleepy face.  
He watched her disappearing behind her door at the end of the corridor of the guest wing, when his kid called him from the entrance hall.

«S-sassan?», mumbled Ginshi just before Haise could turn the last corner to the entrance hall, «There is a really scary-looking person out of our door.»

The kid's mentor stopped in his tracks, looking at Saiko, Tooru, and Urie slowly approaching Ginshi in the entrance hall, watching them pass over him without being able to stop them from walking over to the door.  
Unable to stop them from angering this "really scary-looking man" by daring to look at him in the face.

«What...what does he look like?», he finally asked, sensing his pulsing heart beating faster and faster in his empty rib cage.  
He prayed that none of them would open the door without his permission.

«Well...he looks suspiciously young, but his hair are way too grayish for doing the trick, let me tell you.», was Ginshi's response while he mulled other the image in front of him, probably considering their visitor's appearance from the video entry-phone.

«Looks like an investigator.», came from Urie in a questioning tone, like he wasn't sure of his own judgment on that person, «But he's not one of those that we've met since being under guard...maybe a businessman instead?»

 _"The only investigator I know a part from the ones protecting me...is that...that one with the stitches..."_  
But Haise didn't even have the time to consider the possibility that said man could be that Suzuya-guy, that Saiko's voice echoed in the hall.  
Washing away even the last one of his doubts.

«He's wearing glasses, Maman. And looks like one very emotionless statue to me...he's really handsome though.»  
«Maybe he's your actual birthday present then...», snickered Tooru, pretty uncharacteristically at that.  
«Then happy birthday to me.», the girl suggestively responded, just to make fun of the situation.

But Haise was not listening any longer.  
Already rushing towards them without even glancing at the video entry-phone, before opening the door at the speed of light...  
...to welcome inside none others than a very displeased Arima Kishou in the flesh.

Who was staring at him with a risen eyebrow to show his disappointment.

«Argh...yeah...you called.», was all Haise could say in front of the man while scratching his nape with the left hand.  
«I did.», was all Arima had to offer in response, now frowning at his messy appearance.  
«And I forgot to call you back...»  
«You did.», Arima repeated, scowling even harder than before, «At least seven times, indeed.»  
That was something worth cringing for, to say the least.

But Haise had been so busy recently...that he didn't have the time to sit down for writing a mere text message to his psychiatrist.

«Ah, right. Kids, this is my psychiatrist, Arima Kishou. Arima, these...these are my kids.», he said in a vague but earnest attempt to save the situation.

«Is he, now?», commented Urie in a not-so-polite-snarl.

Haise gritted his teeth at the mocking tone in his voice, «Yes, he is.»

«And...and I called him scary-looking.», mumbled Ginshi under his breath, before being jabbed in the belly by his older brother.

Then, out of nowhere, Saiko spun around on her feet and faced Haise with pleading eyes and her hands joined in a silent prayer.

«We love Touka, we really do, and we'll never love her less.», she declared in a whisper, serious to the point of being scary to tell the truth, «But...Maman, this is on a completely different level. You'd be a fool to let him slip away from your hands.», she concluded, quite ominous at that.

«Saiko!», came in a scold from Mucchan, who must've sensed the mood contrary to the rest of his silly siblings and boyfriend.  
The kid bravely looked up to Arima Kishou before bowing slightly in front of him and stating his business.  
«Ehm...I-I'm sorry sir, but we're late for class and we really, _really_ need to get out of here.», the boy declared with quiet but strong attitude, with his back straight and his shoulders wide, «Have a nice day...s-sir.», he then concluded, lightly stuttering in the end before pushing his brother, sister, and boyfriend out of the door...only to bark at one of the undercover officers inside the minivan to follow them to the train station.  
His tone was so effective, actually, that two of them rushed out of the parked vehicle in order to do as they had been told. 

But Arima didn't seem to be even remotely shocked by the kids' attitude towards him.  
He simply directed his gaze at Haise.  
Waiting for answers.

«I'm sorry for this, I...I just wanted to see them off. But then I got distracted and I didn't finish to dress and...», the young man tried, before being interrupted.

«Were you having troubles with phone calls recently?»

W-what...?

«N-no...not at all. It's been good until...until now.»

Arima didn't respond to that, sighing briefly before gesturing him to finish up while he waited for him outside.  
He left Haise on the door dumbstruck and worried, before marching toward the minivan to spoke with one of the officers, Nobu Shimoguchi, the investigator who had been put on his case. Judging by what Haise could see from his point of view, watching carefully as Shimoguchi talked angrily at Arima from the passenger seat of the vehicle, the investigator wasn't particularly happy to have to deal with such a visitor.

Haise rushed in the bathroom to finish up his morning routine, finally closing the front door behind him only when he was ready to leave.  
His psychiatrist was still talking with the police officer, nodding to what the man was saying from the rolled down window.  
The young man walked over the end of the front garden, taking his sweet time in locking up the gate before approaching the minivan. 

Only then he noticed Arima was wearing all black with a gray shirt underneath and textured tie on. His usual briefcase in hand, polished shoes at his feet: he looked just like the day they have first met in the bookstore, not so far from the CCGS building. 

Haise had to look away from him at that point, but he endured the pain enough to listen to what Shimoguchi was saying to the man in front of him. Apparently, even if Arima was indeed on the list of people allowed inside the house, the psychiatrist didn't have the right to drive the target (aka, Haise) around without a permit from the police department first.

Arima, however, without even missing a beat, reminded the officer of the delicate situation of his patient given the current circumstances, asking him to –please– understand Haise's need to be guided in this difficult time by someone capable of addressing his worries in the right way. Actually, Arima spoke so much in such a short amount of time, that Shimoguchi could show nothing but confusion on his face...and this said a lot about the psychiatrist's way with words.

Eventually, the chief investigator deemed appropriate to, at least, follow Arima's car along the way, reassuring Haise they would leave one officer back to protect "the young Kirishima" by addressing the young man from the front seat of the van.  
What a strange way to talk about his friend...the officer was trying to look way too hip and cool for his own good, really.

But for as unfazed as he was by the man's manners, Haise was actually taken aback by his psychiatrist's attitude for once.  
With the corner of his eyes, Haise noticed how Arima had tensed at that statement...but he didn't enquire him on the matter.

Was Arima against the idea of being followed by them...or there was something else that was bothering him?

As a matter of fact, however, Haise had no time to address the issue that Arima began walking away from the minivan while calling for him.  
And the young man, unable to control himself, rushed after him like a puppy starving for affection.

*

Arima's car was...surprising, to say the least.

The exact opposite of what Haise would have imagined it to be like.  
A metallic gray convertible, out of everything that his psychiatrist could have chosen.  
The hood pulled over their head, strange noises coming from the back of the vehicle, probably caused by the wind passing through some small crack or a window left slightly ajar.

No radio to cover the silence, no small talk to fill the emptiness trapped inside that western car. The passenger seat was on the right, on top of all, so Haise had an hard time adjusting to the sensation of riding a car on the wrong side of the vehicle, but he managed somehow.

On the other hand, Arima seemed at ease on the driver seat, unfazed by the traffic surrounding them on their way to the CCGS building, and seemingly not at all preoccupied with the police plain minivan following them like a shadow. He was looking at the street like he refused to peel off his eyes from the road, his concentration at its peak even if his posture communicated nothing but a relaxed control over the situation.

It was...disquieting to look at, to be honest.  
Just like watching a robot doing your work more efficiently and effectively than you.  
And Haise, quite frankly, couldn't stand it any more. 

«Nice car.», he spat out in frustration, unable to think of something else to say.

The man to his left didn't even flinch at the sudden prompt after almost half an hour of silence.  
«It's not mine.», was Arima's initial response...before he could glance over at Haise and notice his shocked expression, «I haven't stolen it, don't worry. It belonged to my predecessor, the man who used to work in the house I've been living in until now. Every once in a while I need to drive it out, otherwise it would be a waste for the battery.», he simply explained, dismissing the subject almost to the point of shrugging it off...but not quite. He was Arima Kishou after all, he didn't seem like the type to shrug at anything, really.

«I haven't seen it around in the past, I didn't even know you had a garage actually...»

«The house used to have one, but I got an extension of the main office out of it by sacrificing the car park and the room above it.»

«And where do you keep the car, then?»

«I asked the guardian of the park to store it for me. He had a vacant storage room available and I've always payed the rent once a month.», he explained, grimacing at something he had just thought, «I don't like this car at all, but it's useful when I need it.»

Somehow, the sight of Arima looking so intently at the road was able to make Haise scowl in displeasure. The young man obviously knew how important it was to be aware of the surroundings while driving, even though it had always been somewhat difficult for him to be concentrated on the driver seat.

But he almost resented Arima for –while being so efficient with his driving skills– not letting himself divert his eyes even for a moment from the street.  
A moment that could be spent in a more profitable way...such as looking at Haise, for instance.

The young man shook his head in shame, unwilling to admit that he was such an attention seeker.

Suddenly, however, he had to brace himself at the unexpected sound of Arima's voice, who came in a low tone while he was handling the gearshift.  
And Haise had to consequently look away from the man's right hand to avoid any dangerous thought to take over his mind.

«And...who might this "Miss Kirishima" be, if I may?», Arima asked, retrieving his hold on the steering wheel with both hands to Haise's relief...  
...until the young man was able to realize what he had been asked.

«S-she's a friend of mine. It's Touka, actually...the girl I told you about.»

«Right.», the older man considered, mindlessly tightening his grip on the wheel, «Touka...Touka was her name.»

He must have been somehow reminded of what Detective Shimoguchi had said in front of the Chateau, but that didn't explain something...  
«How did you know Kirishima was a woman?», he asked with a questioning tone, «Detective Shimoguchi didn't say anything about that.»

«I've spoken with Akira recently...and she told me your girlfriend had decided to live with you in the end.», the older man quietly responded, stopping at one red light with a look of pure concentration on his face, «During our sessions you never told me about this, after all.»

It sounded almost accusing, as if they were in the middle of another session and they were discussing another one of Haise's self destructive habits.  
The mere thought of being judged by his psychiatrist was able to make him snappier than before.

«Touka asked me to keep it quiet, and I always respect her wishes.»  
_"Contrary to you, Doctor."_  
Haise didn't correct him on the "girlfriend" part, nor did he feel ashamed for keeping secrets to the man in the first place.

A pang of disappointment did bit into his heart though, especially after seeing how unaffected the man was at the idea that Haise could be in a relationship.  
And he felt strangely saddened by Akira's reaction to her meeting with Touka too. Had she really thought the two of them could be a couple? Was Akira seriously unaware of his preferences in partners? Couldn't she see the signs, or read through the lines?

 _"She always forces her standards on me...always guessing about my life, instead of asking me directly."_  
He had to shake himself from that anguishing state of mind, changing topic of conversation at the very end.  
Hoping to arrive at the CCGS as soon as possible.

«...are you...are you familiar with Akira?», he settled for, fiddling with his seatbelt when the light turned green and they began to move once again.

Arima responded with little to no reaction to the young man's nervous behavior.  
«Of course, her grandfather was one of my professors when I was studying Medicine at Tōdai, and her father used to be the director of the Psychiatry Faculty when I began studying for my second degree at twenty-one.»

«What was her father like?»

«After his wife's death? Not quite as sharp as he used to be. And angrier too, so much that the board had to keep close attention to him before removing him from the position. They assigned to him the psychiatric ward at the hospital as a form of compensation...until he died while one of his patients was having a psychotic episode.»

«Akira never told me this. I...I thought it was her mother that died by the hand of a psychopath.»

And, somehow, he had been reminded of that fact only then.  
His previous mentor's mother had been killed by a serial killer when Akira was only a teenager.

Haise, on the other hand, had been kidnapped by one less than three months ago. 

However, just like he had been unable to care about the all abduction-thing in the first place, in the same way he had troubles empathizing with Akira's situation. He was so emotionally numb and detached from what had happened to him, that it was difficult for him to understand the woman's feelings or reactions in response to his traumatic event.

 _"Akira's mother was killed by someone like the man who took me away...so what?"_  
That was his initial reaction at the thought of having reminded Akira of a her mother's demise.  
_"She doesn't care, she's happy now."_  
That was his only response to the idea of being nothing but a burden to the woman who had been like a mother to him.

 _And you call that being a mother?_ , the usual voice grimaced at the back of his head, making his skull rattle from the inside out.

«Sasaki? Did you hear me?», Arima asked him suddenly, bringing him back to reality once again.

«I'm sorry, what...what did you say?»

The older man glanced at him briefly, scowling harder than before.  
«I said that you confused the two things...the both of us could have a psychotic episode right at this very moment, but that wouldn't make our brains neurologically predisposed or wired the way psychopaths' ones are.», he explained, probably retrieving the previous topic of discussion.  
Topic that Haise had one hell of an hard time to remember how it had been brought up in the first place.

«It is true that Akira's mother had been murdered many years ago by a serial killer, but her father passed away because one of his patients had an episode during one of their sessions.», Arima continued, talking like he didn't even have to think about it. 

Like he was simply repeating something he knew by heart.

«Psychopaths have a brain neurologically different from a common person. Furthermore, being one of them doesn't automatically mean being bloodthirsty murderers spending day after day planning the demise of innocent people.», he concluded in a condescending tone, slightly rising his eyebrows as if something had just crossed his mind.

He looked sad, but not in the conventional way, like he had seen too much in the past and now there was nothing he could do about it.  
His gaze too far gone in the misty Past to focus clearly on the Present.

«.I...I'm sorry.», Haise began, unsure of what to say to apologize for his misconception, «I wasn't....I didn't know Akira's actual situation. I think I was confused by what Akira told me in the past. She...she was never very keen on explaining me how her parents have died.»

Arima suppressed a smile at that, pleased with something the young man had just told him.  
«It's okay, I'm teaching you, that's all.», he then said, shaking his head in reassurance that there was nothing to be sorry about.

Right...they were supposed to be like teacher and student.

It would have been much better for Haise to stick with that plan instead of falling for the man. He could have learned so much from him, and all for the better given his unstable mental condition. 

Being able to look up to someone and let them guide him forward. Being filled with awe at the mention of their name out of respect and utter adoration, instead of feeling down at the mere thought of them. Being excited to go to therapy, finally positive about his progress...even while being alone and distant from others.

It would have been so much better for Haise to look at Arima just as a teacher...  
...instead of feeling miserable all on his own because of him.

The young man looked down at his unmoving right arm, tiredly determined to put an end to those feelings once and for all.  
Even if that meant digging a deeper hole inside of him.

«You weren't too fond of the old Mado, right?», he mindlessly asked, unable to care any longer for what they were talking about.

But, apparently, Arima seemed engrossed enough in the subject to keep the conversation going, all the while being completely unaware of his patient's disinterest in the matter.

«He used to know the difference between killers and mentally ill people. Then...apparently his coping mechanism became believing that evil was something innate...instead of a consequence of neglect and exposure to violent surroundings.», he hastily considered, even if he did so in a collected tone, before quickly glancing at Haise one last time to say what he really had in mind.  
«Don't make the same mistake Akira's father did after his wife's death.»

 _Don't do this to yourself, Haise...you're not evil just because you were left alone_ , said...a kinder voice in the back of his mind.

A positive one, a caring one. Its words soothing like the gentle waves of a lake, barely moving under the tender caress of the wind.  
It was a nice change from the usual sensation of having his brain clawed by an unknown entity from the inside out.

«Do you want to talk about the news...during our session tonight?», Arima casually asked him, probably faking a certain amount of disinterest to keep Haise calm at the thought of such a topic of conversation.

«I think we'll have to reschedule it to some other day...it's my first day of work and I'll be pretty tired afterwards.»

«Then, you tell me when. I'm free this week, you can come by any time you need and...»

«I'll need to adjust to my new routine first, Arima...»

«But surely you'll need to talk about what had hap...», he tried once again, earnest in his attempt to help him cope with the Torso situation. But something in Haise's gaze must have told him everything he needed to know about the younger man's actual emotions on the matter.

It had happened once, in his head alone, by the hand of a non-existing mother.

It had happened twice, in a fictitious dark room full of centipedes and bugs.

Lastly, it had happened in a dressing room of a queer night club, in front of a mirror.

And Haise wasn't afraid for himself at that point, since he had grew somewhat accustomed to the idea of being hurt by others, and the only people he was afraid for were the ones living with him or interacting with him on a regular basis.  
Arima must have seen all this in Haise's dead gray eyes.  
And he pushed no further after that.

He pulled over the entrance of the CCGS front parking lot only to approach one reserved space that was probably his to use.  
He was still the chief of the Psychology Department at the end of the day: he was important and busy.  
He had better things to do than wasting his time with an uncooperative patient, after all.

«I'll see you next Monday then.», the older man declared, slowly approaching Haise with his right hand, making him shiver and flinch away at the possibility of a sudden and unexpected physical contact between them...!

But a quiet _click!_ coming from his right side caught his attention, forcing him to open at least one eye to see what was happening.  
Arima had simply leaned over his lap to open the door for him, and he had been so fast that he had already retreated to his original position with both hands on the steering wheel.

«I'll call Doctor Shiba later to give him permission to prescribe the usual meds to you.», he said in a distant voice, his face hidden from sight by Haise's bangs...since the young man had refused to look at his psychiatrist, «Go pay him a visit during lunch break or whenever you feel like. I'm sure he'll find a couple of minutes for you.»

Haise didn't dare to look at him in the eyes.  
His heart pulsing faster and faster in anticipation. The air a little too hot and oppressing to be at ease next to that man.  
Electricity between them, roaming silently in the space that divided their bodies from one another.

«Would you like me to come back tomorrow to take you here?», Arima finally asked, possibly offering to escort him every day at work to help him get used to going back to his old life in such dreadful circumstances.

Did Haise want to see the man every day from that point onwards?  
Yes.  
Yes he would.  
Very much so.

«No, it's not necessary, really.», he said with a smile, faking his way out of the car while unbuckling the seat belt, «But thank you for asking, it was very kind of you.», he quickly said, before stepping out of there and closing the door with a rushed gesture, ending up being too loud and harsh to be considered polite. 

He didn't wait for a response, adjusting his satchel on the left shoulder as soon as he saw the building and its many glazings, directing his steps toward the main entrance and the familiar revolving doors.

But he could sense Arima's eyes drilling holes into his back, reminding him of his presence nearby...silently begging him to ask for help.  
It was like leaving something important behind.  
Like knowing that everything he had ever wished for was coming to an end...  
?..a nd certainly not a happy one on top of all.

*

At the fiftieth floor, the only one to greet him was Take, welcoming him back at the office while holding a paper cup full of his favorite brand of coffee. The rest of his colleagues were...too busy to stand up and join the two of them, each and everyone of them with their head lowered on stash upon stash of documents to proofread.

But some of the youngsters of the newbies bullpen had the audacity to lift up their smiling faces to wink at him or to look at him with pleading eyes in order to be saved.

Before going back to his office Hirako helpfully explained to him that, since the beginning of the month, Matsuri had been particularly on the edge due to some indiscretion in regards of a competing firm. Hence the need to be in charge of the situation and force the newbies to work their asses off.  
«No amount of mercy or pity from your part would save those poor souls», as Take pointed out. 

But the young lawyer didn't even have time to feel sorry for them that he was summoned in Matsuri's office as soon as he dared to greet Keijin Nakarai, Matsuri's personal assistant. The blond-haired man had always been harsh with Haise, serious and collected to the point of being perceived as prickly, but that morning he seemed particularly standoffish to him. 

«Mr Washuu wants you in his office.», the man said, not even bothering to look at him in the eye from his desk, «Now.», he added.

He was probably pissed because of what their supervisor had declared in June about Haise's future promotion as his new personal assistant. The young man had to remind himself that Keijin had nothing personal against him and that he was simply displeased with Matsuri's decision to...

«What? You're still here?», the older man snarled in disbelief, barely acknowledging his presence in front of him, «Three months of vacation made you slower and lazier, as it turns out.»  
Actually, Keijin was a real bummer.

And Haise didn't have to deal with him any longer, walking away from the reception desk to proceed down the hall leading to the senior associates' offices. Instead of beating himself up for what had just been told to him, the young lawyer mischievously basked in satisfaction at the thought of being the one departing for Europe in less than four months.

When the reality of that thought hit him for good, however, Haise had no time to process his own emotions that he found himself in front of Matsuri's office door.  
But as soon as he met his supervisor's gaze, he knew there would have been no greetings or smiles for him.

That was his job, after all.  
And during work hours he was not there to be pampered.

*

Four and a half hours were all it took for Matsuri to change his attitude in his presence.

They had spent the majority of the morning surveying the work the newbies had done on proofreading the contents of a new contract. Apparently, said documents had been given them to revise by one of their clients, interested in acquiring the rights of a television station based in Berlin. Something smelled fishy about it in Matsuri's opinion, so much he had rallied the entire Attorney Department on the case. The lot of them however still hadn't been able to figure out what it was so scheming about it, but they were positive on the matter and determined to finish the job above anything else.

That was why the both of them had to take a pause from such an exhausting task at lunch break...when all of their colleagues were out of the office and the archive room had been left completely empty.

The both of them sitting on the polished wooden floor...after Haise had sucked Matsuri dry on all four before his mouth had been filled to the brim.  
And now there they were, comfortably sitting one on top of the other, panting slightly and mindlessly enjoying each other's company.

But Haise knew he shouldn't have been allowed to dwell in that sensation. He knew he had no right to yearn for those tender caresses, those subtle gestures of love. There was no affection for him to long for, no long awaited happy ending for him to dream about.  
There was nothing but pain for him to deserve.

And the ugly voice in his mind reminded him of that again and again.

_Bite him._

_"I don't want to."_ , he thought to himself, weakly shaking his head and rubbing his forehead on Matsuri's vest, _"I don't have the energy to do it."_

 _Why not?_ , asked the voice, sugared to the point of being nauseous to the soul, _You can't have pretty things...only ugly and bloody ones._

_"You're...you're wrong."  
_

_Am I, now?_

Right, were they?  
In the end, Haise approached Matsuri once again, ignoring the man's questions as he hoisted himself up on shaky knees and bit into his boss neck, just below the hem of the collar. But he was so tired and sad, so utterly emptied of any positive emotions, that he began trembling in the older man's embrace. The bruise left by his teeth barely discernible from the rest of the skin, a mark unable to stick onto anything or anyone.

He was so exhausted and lonely, indeed, that he wasn't even capable of claim someone as his own.  
Let alone detach himself from such anguish and longing.

«What in the world has gotten into you?», Matsuri suddenly asked in a quiet laugh, pressing their bodies together as he kept Haise from falling from his kneeling position. The older man's voice was tender and questioning, and his left hand stroked the younger man's hair in a soothing motion.

After coming so hard in his employee's mouth, Matsuri had probably gone all cuddly on him. Endorphins were doing their magic on the man, but Haise could actually see the difference between the Washuu heir and a good person. 

A good person would have stopped after seeing the young man crying in front of them with his mouth full.  
Matsuri, instead, had embraced him only _after_ finishing up his dirty business.

And as Haise sat on his supervisor's lap, slowly recharging while being hold in place by strong arms, he found himself smiling.  
He did not deserve any form of love or understanding. He got himself a nice vicious man who used him as he pleased.  
Everything was fine.  
Everything was like it was supposed to be.

As he pressed his chin on Matsuri's right shoulder, the young man calmed himself down to the sound of his own breaths, mindlessly watching the wide folders neatly organized on the shelves onto which they were leaning down. One of them caught his attention, right above Matsuri's head: on the spine only few letters had been written with a black marker, now fading. _  
"SPHX"_  
The folder in itself was slim, buried in between other binders much bigger than that, hidden from sight from any other angle...  
...a part from Haise's current point of view, while kneeling down and sitting on Matsuri's lap.

For some reason, that particular detail caught him off guard, but he had no time to process anything that someone knocked on the archive door.  
Forcing the two men to detach themselves from one another.

«Mr Washuu, I'm sorry to interrupt.», came Keijin's voice in a condescending tone from behind the wooden door, «But you have guests in the conference room.», the man concluded, probably judging them and the circumstances of Haise's promotion.

Matsuri rolled his eyes in frustration, standing up abruptly, even if not to the point of letting Haise fall. The young man yelped in shock, but a kiss forced him to a blissful silence in less than a second.  
Then, he was gently put down by Matsuri, who straightened his employee's button down and tie before combing his own hair with both hands.

«All good?», the older man asked, waiting for the other to nod in agreement.  
But as soon as Haise got a hold of himself, the young man was left behind while Matsuri walked over to the door.  
«Well, are you coming or not?», was all Matsuri had to ask before Haise could follow suit.

*

When they arrived in the conference room, they were faced with ten to twelve people at least between men and women, all of whom were dressed in black clothes with purple shirts underneath their pristine suits. Sitting on those chairs around the long rectangular glass table like they owned the place.

And at the head of said table, a woman with a black bob cut sat with both heels on the transparent surface.  
Looking at Matsuri like she was the one in charge.  
Someone that Haise had never seen before in his life.

«It's been at least one year, boy.», the woman said in a melodious voice, not bothering to stand up to greet one of the Washuus.  
None of her colleagues rose from their chairs either, barely acknowledging their surroundings.

Matsuri, on the other hand, was painfully aware of their presence...given how much he hate people messing around in his department.  
«Matsumae...you're only five years older than me, remember?»

«You might have been a brilliant student once, kid...but you're still too young for me.», she easily joked, putting down her feet from the table.

«How so...if I recall correctly you preferred them young.», was Matsuri's dry response, already suggesting in itself even without a clear context.  
However, the woman they were facing didn't even look interested in what the man had to say.  
She simply smiled at him with a quick glance towards Haise's direction, crossing her arms in front of her.

«The same could be said for you, Washuu.», Matsumae said, vaguely impressed by the young man's ability to keep a straight expression when faced with such an allusion, «But I'm not here to talk about your sexual life...nor to question Marude's motives behind your promotion as head of this department. That old man had always been strange, even more so for putting you here after he left this place to be a Professor...disgusting, really.»

«Since you love hearing yourself talking so much, Matsumae, why don't you tell us why you're here.»  
Matsuri's harsh words did nothing to throw her off.  
But what she was about I tell them was certainly going to shut the man up for good.

«One of your clients asked you to handle the Rose Television private treaty, isn't it right?», she rhetorically asked, standing up from her position only to slowly walk in Matsuri's direction. She completely ignored Haise (who was watching with blazing eyes the entire situation), just to keep her head up in front of the young man's supervisor.

Matsuri, on the other hand, was seething with rage.  
Livid at the mention of the infamous contract they had been surveying since the beginning of the month.

«My clients are from the Tsukiyama Household...the owners of the European branch of said television station.»

«And...how is this relevant to the fact that you dirtied my department with your presence, woman?»

«Should I remind you what you did to the Rosenwald Engineering? Shredding it into pieces to sell at the best price?»

«And should I remind you that it's not illegal to seek a consultation before making a proposition for acquiring a company?»

«But it is illegal to discuss the terms of such a contract after said company's reserved informations had been hacked...all in order to blackmail and trick my clients into signing up the bill of sale.»

«As if you had never manhandled someone into choosing you as their attorney, Matsumae. And you dare to spat out these accusations against my client?»

«At least no one has proof that I tricked someone for sure.», she concluded, waiting for a response from Matsuri's part.  
Her eyes aglow at the sight of a long awaited prey.  
She could have easily been bluffing, faking it in such fashion to convince them to give up their upper hand.

But in case she was right, in case their client did actually leave some evidence of their corporate espionage activities...  
...then things were going to get serious.

«See you in court, Washuu.», the woman exclaimed, turning back on her heels followed by her many assistants, «There will be thirteen of us as prosecutors in front of the judge. And we'll make sure to drag you down this time around.»

However, right before they could approach the main hall in front of the conference room, from the lobby a _ping!_ was heard and the doors of one of the elevators opened soon after. Revealing a beaming Ihei Hairu with a transparent box full of pastries in her hands.  
She immediately saw Haise at the back of the group, and smiled widely at him while stepping down the elevator.

«Haise, I've come to welcome you ba...», she tried to say, interrupted by six of those people who unceremoniously shoved her to the side to take her same elevator while the other half of the group took the one next to it.

But when Hairu turned around to give them a piece of her mind...she froze on the spot.  
Her eyes at level with the woman called Matsumae, who regarded the young woman with little to no interest.  
«Mae? Wha-what are you...?», Hairu tried to say, shocked to see the other in front of her.

Matsumae, now visibly angrier than before, almost scared in her fury, clenched her fists and jaws before interrupting Hairu once again.  
«You're done for. You're all done for. And you'll keep it quiet if you know what's good for you.»  
Those were Matsumae's last words before the doors closed at last.

And, as cryptic as they seemed, their echo thundered through the lobby with all their aggressive intent, shaking the onlookers from head to toe.

But the one who suffered the most after that blow was actually Hairu...who was now holding the transparent box full of pastries like she had forgotten what their purpose might have been.  
Looking down on them like they meant nothing.

Haise rushed by her side, afraid to touch her as soon as he approached her. And then he saw...those unforgiving tears rolling down her cheeks, and those empty eyes lit by no light. Hairu had transformed into a statue under the young man's gaze, metamorphosing into unmoving stone just by hearing that woman's words.

But Haise didn't have the time to shake his friend out of her stupor, that she turned in his direction with a fake smile on her face before quickly excusing herself to the restroom. She took the pastries with her, probably anchored by their useless presence in between her hands.

Then, right before he could follow her to make sure she was okay, the young men heard Matsuri talking angrily at Keijin while marching away from the lobby.  
«Take _those_ files away as soon as possible. I don't care about the Tsukiyama case, as long as no one finds out about _those fucking files_.»

That could only mean one thing for them.  
They had to bury some shit before anyone could take the Tsukiyama case seriously or file a warrant to their detriment.

At that point, Haise could say goodbye to his plans for the afternoon with the kids.  
He had to inform them of the fact in some way.  
Hairu would have to wait, at least for the time being.

He was already on his way to his office, opening the door soon after with the key, ready to fish his phone from his pocket and call Urie...when he noticed something while approaching his desk. In the last three months since the abduction, he had never set foot in his office, not even to retrieve most of the books he had used to take the Bar. Nothing had been touched since then, no one had entered either: a thin layer of dust covering his belongings under the sun rays coming from the glazing behind his chair.

He waited for Urie to pick up the phone, but found only the kid's voicemail in the end.  
«Hi, it's me. I'm sorry but we'll have to wait to celebrate Saiko's birthday. We had some troubles at the office...», the young man quickly explained, feeling guilty about not being able to keep his promise to the rest of the family, «I'll make it up to you all somehow, please don't be mad at me.», he continued, mindlessly rummaging through his books and drawers, already keeping an eye out for any signs of Matsuri's imminent (and loud) outburst coming from the main hall.

«There's a festival this Saturday, isn't it? I don't remember where exactly...but it's been ages since we got together outside from home. Maybe we could go...»  
He stopped mid sentence, completely dumbstruck at the sight of what laid on the bottom of one of his drawers.

His little container or red pills was there, looking up at him with a devious glint.  
He used to take them with him everywhere, even in the office...now and only now he remembered.

They had always been there, hidden from sight.  
Waiting for him to return...  
...and beg for their help.

*

After one hell of a week under Matsuri's control for five days straight (and a couple of nights in his penthouse too), Haise had been finally able to make amends for his lack of consistency and reliability by taking out Touka and the kids.

Ginshi had nailed his test (to Professor Tanakamaru's surprise, but not to his horror) and rightfully deserved some time to enjoy himself as much as possible. It was also Takizawa's birthday, so they had accepted the Mados invitation to go to the park with them to enjoy a lovely evening.

He had left Saiko in charge of the night, even though Haise was completely unaware of their destination: he was just happy to see his baby girl excited to wear the new yukata he had bought for her as a birthday gift, so anywhere would have been fine for him, really.

Haise had felt so guilty for never taking the lot of them out during summer, so he was definitely glad that Detective Shimoguchi had let them attend that last festival of the season.  
And such an opportunity had come only thanks to Ginshi in the first place, who had convinced the police officer to tag along to make sure everything was okay.

Apparently, during his part-time job at the precinct, the boy had had multiple chances to meet with the man in the past, even though they had known each other as simple acquaintances up until Shimoguchi had been assigned to their case. Ginshi's interest in cold cases had given him the chance to ask the Detective about his experience and expertise in the defense forces, making the man's unwavering professionalism crumble in front of the kid's curious and enthusiastic attitude.

In less than a week they had bonded to the point where Shimoguchi preferred to talk to him whenever he had to discuss about some new measure of protection in regards of their family safety. Ginshi had a way to make friends, that was for sure.

From his part, even Tooru had tried to get the Detective to warm up in his presence...more likely as a way to overcome his fear for police workers in the first place.

Being the youngest in the Sasaki Household, Mucchan had feared to be perceived as too naive for being entrusted with any kind of responsibility like Shirazu had been...so the kid had done his best to be of use for Shimoguchi and his subordinates by preparing them coffee and biscuits every once in a while.

And even if his baked goods weren't of the finest quality, by the end of that week the entirety of Shimoguchi's squad had been eager to compliment the kid's hard work with every cringing munch and pained bite. They didn't even protested whenever Tooru had used salt instead of sugar...afraid to make him sad.

Some of their preoccupation with Mucchan's feelings had been spontaneous, sure, but some of it had been forcefully ingrained in their heads by Urie's murderous gaze. The oldest of the kids, in fact, seemed to have conflicting emotions in regards of the case.

From one hand, he accepted the presence of Shimoguchi's squad, even to the point of asking one of the officers to tag along when he needed to jog in the morning; from the other hand, however, he didn't want them to mess with his boyfriend or siblings, nor he would accepted for them to prevent Saiko's girlfriend or Ginshi's friends to visit the house.

So, thanks to the collective efforts of his kids, Haise had been able to finally take them out for a lovely evening.  
And he secretly admired his children for being such sneaky masterminds of mischief.  
He had taught them well, after all.

They were currently walking leisurely around the park chosen for the festival, even though it was difficult for Haise to recognize what park it was so late at night while being surrounded by colorful stands and artificial lights. He had forgotten to ask where they would have drove from the Mados' house, so had never got around to settle that matter in the first place. They had also joined the mob of participants from a secondary entrance of said park, so it would have been confusing for him to recognize the place either way, especially given his horrible sense of direction.

There were a lot of people all around them, but for some reason it was reassuring for the young man to know that Shimoguchi and a couple of his subordinates were tailing them close by.

And the sight of Takizawa being all over the twins was so heartwarming in itself, that Haise really didn't want to spoil everything by getting anxious about the crowd.  
During the last couple of months Taki's appearance had only changed ever so slightly: they still rocked their silver hair, but now they were sporting plum lipstick and nail polish, and their eyeliner game was so neat it made Haise envious of their skill in applying it on their eyelids. They were wearing a black yukata on top of all, a pretty severe and traditional choice in clothing for their character, but the striking contrast it created with their appearance was stylish nonetheless. Kurona and Nashiro –in matching silver yukata this time around– were hand in hand with them, swinging their arms in unison while chatting happily with their parent.

After being so far away for so long in order to obtain their second degree in Genetics, Takizawa must have been desperate to spend some time with their daughters, and seeing the three of them so happy was putting everyone in a good mood. Akira and Amon were looking at their partner with such loving expressions, and Haise's kids were so entertained by the twins loud and bubbly laughters...aah...such a perfect night indeed.

It would have been much better, though, if only Hairu and Koori were there along with Ui's kids.

Saiko had gathered inside information about their friends' situation thanks to Auymu, who had shared with her girlfriend the circumstances surrounding their recent need of privacy. As Haise had long suspected, Hairu's most recent encounter with the prosecuting attorney Matsumae had put the woman in a difficult position: the young man hadn't been surprised to find out about his friend's past relationship with the woman, but he would have never thought Hairu would be the type to distance herself from the world after a simple meeting with her ex.

Ayumu, however, had made it clear that Koori's sister needed time to mourn, and that the lot of the Ui's Household would have much preferred to stay with her instead of forcing the woman to put up a pretense of happiness in light of the current events. But, for as admirable as it was for Hairu's family to protect her from harm, Haise was afraid that such a sudden detachment from her usual positive approach would only convince her to hide even more from life itself.  
Matsumae must have hurt her feelings to the point of making Hairu retreat in her brother's home.

And, even if surrounded by wonderful people, Haise's precious friend deserved some actual distraction...instead of burying herself under blankets of painful memories and regrets.

Haise tried to shake those gloomy thoughts away by focusing on the present, admiring the pretty lights hanging down from the stalls all around them. A delicious smell was coming from a takoyaki stall nearby, and small children were running back and forth on the dirt road in their best clothes, with their little faces smudged by caramel and dust. 

It would have been such a nice time to wear one of his dresses, Haise considered in a sigh, but walking in a yukata after so long was also refreshing in some ways. Even more so, since he had chosen to live dangerously that night...by not wearing any underwear underneath the blue clothing hugging his body.  
Not that anyone would have noticed anyway, he was sure of it.

Touka didn't have a yukata to wear, but had expressed the wish to be left alone in her rusty clothes for once...guilty of being spoiled rotten by the Sasaki Household so frequently in the last few weeks.

After Urie's thoughtful intention of buying her new sheets, the rest of the family had competed for making her as comfortable and pampered as possible, bringing her gift back and forth. Tooru had bought her a tons of pillows for her bed, along with a new pair of running shoes, and a chair for her desk. Ginshi, on the other hand, had helped the young woman by teaching her how to bake, while Saiko had made an apron for her...with a bunny on the front pocket...hand-sewn.

«Saiko would have spent nights upon nights trying to make me a personalized yukata, if I hadn't asked her not to.», Touka reminded Haise for the umpteenth time that evening, the both of them comfortably walking from stand to stand, «I know she can be that affectionate...but she needs to sleep as well!»

Haise simply smiled at her, holding his friend's hand a little tighter with his left one.  
He listened to her talking about her day, mindlessly noticing how heavy her hand felt in his own. Just by glancing at her wrist, however, the young man was reminded of Touka's most recent "present" from her special patron. A bracelet was, indeed, poking out from under a colorful bandana knotted all around it, hiding it from sight. 

It was one of those leather cuffs usually worn during BDSM sessions, even if it wasn't as flashy and easily recognizable as it could have been. Touka's client had secured it around her wrist the night before,asking her to avoid taking it off if she knew what was good for her, keeping the key of the small loch for himself of course. Touka had talked about it with Haise, asking him to keep it a secret from the kids.

They agreed that the situation was getting out of hand, even more so because said costumer had somewhat figured out a way to force the young woman to actually keep his presents. Both because of the lock and the unlikeliness to be able to sell a single leather cuff for good money.  
Haise had made Touka promise him to talk about it with her boss...and with Detective Shimoguchi at worst.

She was still considering it though, willing to give her patron the benefit of the doubt since she had to go to work that night as well, right after the festival.

And Haise was still looking at her tired but smiling face, looking for any trace of fear and uncertainty in her expression...when he noticed something behind her figure.

Over the people moving back and forth in front of them, beyond the stands and the bushes...a house could be seen with its light shining through the night. Tall windows, ominous poplars and basswoods surrounding its walls, a dim light coming from what Haise knew was the master bedroom...  
...and it suddenly became too much for him.

Touka immediately noticed his change of mood, glancing one last time at the rest of the group to see where they were heading before turning his way.  
«What is it?», she asked, frowning in response to his lack of answer, «Haise have you seen someone? Should I call that Detective?»

«I...I didn't realize where we where.», he answered her out of nowhere.  
His eyes staring longingly at Arima's house.  
His heart filled and lungs with anguish and sorrow.

She turned around in order to look in the direction where his eyes were focused, squinting in the effort to recognize the house nearby one of the entrances of the park. However, she seemed to freeze at the sight of the western building, to the point where a couple of people almost crashed onto her after she suddenly stopped in her tracks.

«Isn't that...Doctor Kanou's house?», she asked, her eyes blazing, her face scowling.

Confused, Haise tried to make sense of her words, but eventually shook his head before answering her question.  
«No, that's my...my psychiatrist's home.», he said, somewhat in a bashful tone.

Touka turned her head so fast that Haise was afraid she might have snapped her neck in half. She looked even more confused than him, probably alarmed by the sound of his voice or something of the sort...she had a knack for sensing other people's discomfort.

«Is he the man?»

«What are you talking about?»

«Is he the man who's hiding your relationship from the world?»

Realizing what she was implying, Haise almost gave in to the urge to laugh at her out of nervousness, but he luckily refrained himself.  
That wouldn't have been certainly very polite of him to do.

«No...no really. Arima is just my psychiatrist, he's not the man I am... _dating_ , that is.», he earnestly explained, suddenly very self-conscious at the thought of being actually dating Matsuri. That could have been almost scary to think about if he were to...

«Your psychiatrist is Arima Kishou.», Touka declared once again, interrupting his train of thoughts, «Doctor Kanou's assistant is your therapist.»

If thinking about dating Matsuri had been strange, hearing Touka pronouncing Arima's full name was downright unsettling.

«To this day he doesn't seem to be anyone's assistant...but yeah, if that was the name of Arima's previous supervisor then I guess you're right.», the young man quietly considered, taking her by the hand to guide his friend back to the rest of their group, while avoiding to look at the house one last time.

The kids and the Mados were still at the mask stand admiring the traditional work of the artisans showing off their skills.  
«Anyway...how do you know so many things on the matter?», he found himself asking, considerably surprised after hearing Touka pronouncing the older man's name. Although, it had sounded a little harsh once it had reached his ears.

She kept quiet for a little while, suddenly clutching at his left arm as soon as he had spoke, preventing him from getting too close to their friends.  
And she had lowered her gaze, as if to find the right words of even just the right way to convey her message. 

«We used to live nearby Kanou's facility when my brother and I were kids...our...our parents used to talk about the place all the time.», she explained, shrugging it off as a casual circumstance, clearly upset to have been asked about it.

«You recognized the house as well, did your family happen to be acquaintances with that person too?», he pushed a little, questioning the truth behind such vague words and affected behavior. He was getting a little hasty with her, he had to admit...for he desperately wanted to believe her.  
But at the same time he didn't trust himself to accept her secrecy as a response.

Once again, Touka shrugged, gripping tighter at his arm as a way to anchor herself, «We...my...our family asked for Kanou's help in the past. He welcomed my parents in his home every once in a while to...give them some counseling. A little over ten years ago...», she concluded, making Haise feel guilty for prying so much into her personal life.

«I...I'm sorry Touka, I didn't mean to...»

«It's okay, don't worry. " _It runs in the family_ "...remember?», she reminded him with a self-deprecating tone, seemingly tired to repeat herself, immediately changing topic afterwards, «So...he's not your secret paramour, ahn?»

«He's...he's definitely not, thank you very much.»

«Oh, I believe you...sure.»

«Touka...please.»

«Don't you whine at me...I get it, I get it...he's not the man.», she relented for a moment, before diving once again into it, «But...do you hope him to be?»

He bit his lower lip in response, glancing at the house from under his bangs for good measure.  
Arima's home was still there: real...but too distant for him to reach.  
Touka, however, had no need to hear him lie about it...no matter how much he wanted to deny his feelings for the older man.

«If so, please Haise...just...I don't want you to be heartbroken because someone can't recognize your worth.», she declared, suddenly very upbeat and energetic. A complete change in mood after what they had discussed about just minutes ago, as if she was pushing herself to look fine on the outside.

«And this applies also to your actual secret boyfriend or whatever.», she added, pointing a finger at his face just for good measure, «And if he's not honorable enough for my standards I will kick him right in the nuts. Believe me.»

«Well...you kind of pissed him off already once...», he mischievously told her, piquing up her interest until he described in detail what had happened in that hospital room, right after Touka's visit. For some reason, listening to him mindlessly talking about kissing a married man with only a gown on put Touka in such a good mood that she began laughing. Her face lit by glee was able to make Haise smile, diverting his previous doubts over the sincerity of her words.

She was so beautiful under the paper lanterns, there, in the middle of such a busy festival.  
Right then, he kissed her...just because.  
And it was the sweetest thing, because there was so much love between them, even if it wasn't as sexual as it used to be. They were comfortable around each other to the point of admitting their platonic bound to be the most important thing for them. Aneed that kiss was just a gesture of familiar love, a simple and easy way to convey their emotions.

The way Haise loved her was not as devastating as his passionate feelings for Arima.  
Nor was it even remotely similar to the way he craved for Matsuri's dominance and possessiveness.

It was like...it was like loving the best version of himself, or like appreciating his body one day out of the blue, or marveling at the flowers during a storm.  
It was like feeling safe from harm, like returning home after work on a Friday evening, like finally falling asleep after a tiring day.  
Loving Touka was the most caring part of his life.

And he would have been a fool to dismiss that love in the first place.  
Suddenly, as soon as they parted from each other with a giggidy smile, whistles and shouts could be heard from one of the stands, consequently catching their attention to the rest of the group. The kids were cheering on them, and Takizawa too, who actually witnessed for the first time Haise's loving attitude towards Touka. Amon was tearing up, probably rambling about kids getting older and adults becoming even more decrepit. Akira was smiling at them as well, and not even her condescending gaze was able to humor Haise this time around, for he was happy.

Happy to be loved, even though not in the way he would have preferred.

The two of them got back to the rest of the group hand in hand, while Touka tried to ignore the others' comments by catching Detective Shimoguchi's attention and asking him if he was allowed to drink during his shift. Not even being followed by the police could have put her in a bad mood, especially now that she was finally relaxing in Haise's presence.

There were still so many secrets between them, but at least they had found some sort of compromise, a safe space in which sharing themselves one truth at a time.  
The both of them had seen so much already.  
So much pain and suffering, but a great deal of happiness and joy as well...something to rely on during the worst of times.  
A comfortable home for them to come back to whenever they wanted, whenever they needed for a place to belong to.

And maybe Touka was right.  
Maybe it was time for him to treasure that heart of his.  
No matter how chipped, no matter how secluded from sight it was.

It was time for him to return to his family, to his only home.

*

The following Monday, Haise found himself in Arima's waiting hall thinking about Hairu.

She hadn't been around to greet him at the door when he had arrived for his weekly session, nor had she left any message for him in his voicemail. At his arrival, in fact, Haise had entered the house followed by Shimoguchi who needed to discuss something with Arima first.  
The psychiatrist had welcomed them inside, asking Haise to wait for him in the hall while he listened to the detective's request.

And so there he was, listening to Saiko's piece with only one earbud on, looking around to distract himself. Without Hairu to brighten up the hall with her presence, the entire house seemed a little colder then what it used to be. It shouldn't have seemed so dark in that place in any case, since he had already spent a couple of days in there without the woman around during monsoon season...but he couldn't shake that gloomy feeling away nonetheless.

It was like...like Hairu's sudden absence was meant for him to notice in the most uncomfortable way possible.  
Like it was supposed to be some sort of sign for him to grasp, a warning for him to listen to.  
The most positive person in his life was nowhere to be seen, as if any trace of hope had been wiped clean from that world.

What was the meaning of such a bad feeling at the pit of his stomach anyway?

Suddenly, Shimoguchi stepped out from Arima's office, signaling Haise to go inside while he waited for him in the hall. After the festival, the Detective had warmed up considerably to Haise's situation and general health conditions, but the young man didn't want to force him to wait for two hours in the lobby either way. So he rushed to the office thanking the investigator for his hard work, hoping to be able to get out of that house as soon as possible.

But, as he closed the door behind his shoulders, that dreadful sensation overwhelmed him once again just by looking at Arima.

The older man was staring outside of the window, showing his back to Haise when he spoke.

«Sit down, please.», he instructed, vaguely gesturing in the direction of the desk, contrary to Haise's expectation.

_"No armchairs this time around it seems..."_

The young man confusedly walked over the chair behind the table, doing as he had been told. The seat, the backrest, everything was uncomfortable on that chair, and he found himself wondering why in the world Arima would have chosen it for his office.

On the desk, the books in Braille seemed to have multiplied since the first time Haise had seen his psychiatrist holding one of them: the evidence that the older man was getting accustomed to that new and fascinating alphabet.

The proof that he was going on with his life, unfazed by his patient's struggles and doubts.

Many things had changed since the beginning of their relationship as Doctor and Patient.  
So many, indeed, that Haise had lost count of them for a while now.

Arima wasn't exactly looking at him, but he could watch him from the reflection on the window he had found himself facing.  
If only Haise had his spectacles or even his contract lenses on, he might have been able to see the older man's expression on the glass as well.

«I must admit, Sasaki...you've been a tough one.», the man said, slowly shaking his head while crossing tensed arms in front of him, «It's clear to me that I have failed to be a good support to you until now. I haven't made myself trustworthy enough for you to lean on me in case of need. And this is something that never happened to me, even if I had my share of difficult cases in the past.»

Haise lowered his head in misery, feeling like a rebellious dog unable to follow its master's orders.  
_"I'm nothing but a difficult case for him...and even a problematic one at that, that's for sure."_

«It's all my fault.», Arima repeated, turning to the young man and looking at him with a gaze filled with compassion and determination, «From now on I will try my best to explain everything to you, without assuming you'll be fine with my methods...and certainly without forcing you to exercises you don't feel like doing.», he continued, his heartfelt words overflowing with passion, guilt, helplessness, fatigue...

That was the first time Arima had ever looked so distraught in front of Haise.  
And the young man had no idea how to react to such a sight.  
No idea at all.

«We'll make new plans, working on your trust issues first and then adjusting to your reactions along the way.», the older man explained, making one step closer to Haise with every prompt and suggestion, «We'll make it so in order for you to be comfortable with talking about your past...even if you don't remember it. We can try relaxation exercises to prepare you for an eventual path of recovery through EMDR therapy, or even talk with a certified hypnotist if you don't feel safe around me to the point of...»

«You reached a diagnosis then, isn't it right?», the young man interrupted him, unable to suffer any longer that kind of pressure from his psychiatrist's part.  
Haise looked at the older man dead in the eyes, waiting for a response.

But something on Arima's face was telling him to stop playing with fire in such frivolous fashion.  
His pettiness and rebellious attitude weren't going to pass unnoticed this time around.

«For some reason, I think you already know the answer to that question.», was Arima's only response to the matter.  
His facial expressions unfathomable, his voice glacial like hail on a summer day.

«It's...it's Dissociative Identity Disorder, isn't it?», Haise declared, making it sound like a question just to avoid confrontation.  
Which, unfortunately, punctually fell upon him as soon as Arima's voice reached his ears.

«You didn't listen to me...you looked for your symptoms online.»

Haise flinched at those words, mortified by the older man's attitude towards self-diagnosing and the sort.  
«Well, I'm sorry if you think it was stupid of me to be concerned by my condition.»

Arima sighed heavily at that, taking off his glasses to stroke his closed eyelids in a gesture of frustration. A nervous habit, most certainly, but not an actual attempt to make him feel guilty through a patronizing behavior. He looked very tired, after all.

«I'm not against the idea of seeking new material of research, I just question the quality of the information you can find on the Internet. And I fear even more your reaction to some possibly aggressive or triggering comments while browsing whatever forum or blog. This is why I told you to ask me anything you might have interest in.», he continued, putting his spectacles on once again, approaching the desk with slow and deliberate steps.  
Until he was in front of him, begging Haise with careful eyes to listen, understand...and maybe believe him.  
Just a little...just this time.

But Haise was having none of it. Not now, not ever.

He was tired of that tension, that longing sensation that could never fill the void inside of him.  
He couldn't stand it anymore. Not now, not ever.

«You haven't answered my question, though.», the young man quietly asked, uncaringly shrugging in the psychiatrist's direction before leaning back on the chair, «What is your diagnosis then?»

For some reason, his words seemed uglier than ever.  
Like something disgusting inside of him was taking over his mind and speaking in his stead.  
But it didn't matter for once...since Haise agreed with everything that he had said until then.  
There was no going back now.  
And he was fine with it.

Arima leaned over the desk on his knuckles, waiting for them to turn white with tension before daring to look up to Haise from under his bangs.  
Haise would have loved to run his fingers through his hair, dying to know how it turned white like that so early in Arima's life.

But the both of them weren't going to be anything but Doctor and Patient, so nothing could have been done about it.  
Not now, not ever.

«It's still early to pinpoint your exact condition, Sasaki. Even more so because of you memory loss six years ago...all I can say is that I had an idea of your situation since the first week of our encounters.»

Haise shivered slightly at those words, his entire body trembling in fearful anticipation of what was coming his way.  
The final judgment of his existence.

«A mild case of Rapid Cycle Bipolar Disorder with sporadic manic episodes followed by violent repercussions on your self esteem, delayed Post Traumatic Stres Disorder...and Dissociative Identity Disorder, yes.», the older man finally declared, seemingly unfazed by Haise's apathetic reaction to the news.

However, something could be seen through the layers of tension on Arima's expression, voice, and general attitude.  
A great deal of concern.  
And not of the kind that could have been easily disregarded.

«So what...? I have _alters_ now?»

«You think its funny.»

Haise sneered at that, unable to understand why he was putting up such an act to show how unconcerned he was with that idiotic diagnosis.  
«Of course it's funny. Everyone knows that having multiple personalities is nothing but fiction and...»

«By calling it "multiple personality disorder" you might as well be normalizing the erroneous idea that your alters could have complete autonomy outside of your conscious behavior...in other words, a mind of their own.», Arima interrupted him, rising his voice ever so slightly just to engrave those words into his patient's mind, «By calling it that way, you are effectively belittling and disregarding your illness, twisting it in order to mock it and throw it out of proportion to the point of considering it fake in the first place.»

Haise felt nauseous at the idea of having angered the man, even if Arima didn't look troubled to that extent.  
He was simply...teaching him.  
Like he had always done.

«By calling it that way, you are mining the possibility to embrace recovery...because, even if now you are thinking that it might be impossible to have such a condition, in the future you might beat yourself up over it. By dismissing it, you might underestimate the consequences of your ignorance on the subject.»

Something else instead of shame urged Haise to feel guilty in response to those words...something deeper and wider, and yet tiny and uglier.  
A memory, buried at the bottom of his soul.  
A mere instant, a lone sentence, eating him alive.

_"You're not that smart, you couldn't understand"._

This was what the word " _ignorance_ " had provoked in his mind, making him regress to an earlier time...a different place...a familiar past.  
He felt like crying just by hearing that word, but he bit his tongue in order to get a hold of himself.  
He bit so hard he could taste blood.

Arima leaned a little more over the desk, pressing his palms down on the hard surface just to sustain his weight.  
And Haise couldn't stop thinking about how much he wanted Arima to press him on a mattress, leaning over him covered in sweat and calling him by his first name. The thought in itself was inappropriate for the current time, but it made the young man shiver nonetheless.

It was all so confusing for him...to feel guilty, ashamed, aroused, sad, and angry at the same time.

He couldn't make sense of his own emotions.  
He couldn't make sense of anything any longer.

«I...I read that DID occurs in response to traumatic experiences.», Haise tried to say, already feeling his lower lip quiver at the mere idea of having to face his past, «Tooru has been diagnosed with the a similar condition by Akira, I think it's a different case from me me. But...but he...he never...showed to be actually dissociating that much. And I never...I never noticed him detaching...himself from reality like I do...and he...he never talks about it. And I never ask....never...»

He unconsciously snarled at his own fear, cracking one...two...three knuckles, one after the other under the desk.  
He was getting frustrated with himself.

«And...and I had hallucinations even before taking the meds and...and I...I hear voices.», he reminded himself by talking out loud, trying so hard to make connections while thinking of what was actually happening to him, «In the beginning there was only one of them and I thought...I thought it was depression. Because it's usually...depicted...t-that way...a...a voice luring you downwards...dragging you around.»

He couldn't feel his legs anymore, paralyzed for the time being by the intensity of the nervous reaction to his own words.  
There was something inside his body, pressing him onto the chair, chaining him down on the spot.  
Like those days in the darkened room, while centipedes run across his shivering body.  
And a horrid sensation hit him right in the pelvis, cutting him in half until he began to tear up.  
His thoughts a mess, his denial beating him down into submission.

 _"W-what happened then...it didn't happen it didn't happen...it didn't...actually...it didn't..."_ , he repeated in his head, like a mantra.  
Like an ancient magic formula to shoo the pain away.  
Something he remembered doing frequently in his younger days.

«In my childhood I don't...I don't remember...I don't remember something b-bad had ever...ever happened to me.»

He began shaking his head, feeling extremely displeased with himself for giving in to such weakness.

« _Disgusting_...it's sick..I'm so _fucking disgusting_...its sick so s-sick...I...I am...», his voice cracked, that keen of shame and desperation voiced by two entities at the same time. One of them was Haise...and the other was not.

Snot began dripping down their nose, and the memory of being scolded for ruining their clothes in their childhood rushed through their thoughts like a river down a waterfall.

Multiple, recurring images of being shamed for showing their feelings by someone important to him...  
...by that very person who should have loved them no matter what.

A slap in the face, to force them out of a childish crying fit.  
A knocking of knuckles on their head to remind them how brainless they were.  
A sharp voice ringing in their ears anytime _that_ woman was shouting.

And after being invested by so many physical sensations at once...Haise was now a sobbing mess, crouched down with his head hitting the knees, dangerously close to the desk. His left hand digging and pulling and scratching in search of something...looking for what was hidden inside that rotten skull of his.

That cage he had always feel trapped in...where _the lot of them_ had been locked within ever since the beginning of that torture.

Then, footsteps could be heard, before he could be slowly pulled away from the desk to face his savior.  
Gentle hands began running their fingers through his hair, bringing him back to reality in the most tender way possible...and Haise felt strong arms pulling him closer and closer, until he could rest his forehead on the crook of his psychiatrist's neck. His pulse soothing and calm under the young man's skin.

Those hands didn't stop petting his head, caressing again and again the scars Haise had inflicted upon himself, now covered by his black hair.

A warming sensation spread through his entire body...but it was too hot for him to handle.  
He had longed for so long for such tenderness, such caring touches...that he had no idea how to welcome them. And they disgusted him at the same time, because he could still feel it... _that pang_ , that sharp spark coming from his groin, reducing that sweet and innocent physical contact to something else. 

His body had been starving for affection to the point where he couldn't stop himself from feeling aroused by such a delicate action.  
Like a newborn baby getting excited over being fed, a natural reaction that seemed filthy and horrendous for some strange reason.

 _Disgusting_ , said the voice inside his brain.

Tears rolled down his cheeks once again, and he clutched at Arima's back with his left hand even if he didn't want to be touched anymore.

 _Sick...you're so sick_ , insisted the voice, snarling and curling and hissing its way through his eyes, making Haise flinch as if he had been threatened to be blinded by a sharp object.

«Don't listen to the voices.», Arima told him, slowly making him sway on the seat by gently rocking him left and right, «Stay here with me, there's nothing to fear...you're safe now. You're safe, here, with me...no one can hurt you anymore. You are not alone, Sasaki. You're not alone.»

_Yes you are._

«You're safe now.»

_No you're not._

«You can cry as much as you want, no one will judge you here.»

_You can't! No one will love you if you...!_

_"Shut it."_ , was all Haise could think about, silencing the voice once and for all, draining himself to the point of having no energy left. He simply found himself with a numb expression on his face, with his wet cheek pressed on Arima's left shoulder...his tears and snot left to dry while no thoughts could cross his mind.

He was left emptied of any logical ability to process what was happening to him.  
No perception of space or time a part from his senses, no memory of the past, no bond with the future.  
Like a child left to wait at the door, he...she...they... _the lot of them_ could only experience the Present at its finest.

 _They_ became their shared sensations, without judgement or social repercussions, with no sense of who _they_ were or what _they_ had been through.  
_They_ could only hear a low voice talking to _them_.  
Slowly dragging _them_ back to reality.

«After multiple or recurring traumas, it can happen for the "self" to use dissociation as a coping mechanism whenever the person is in a state of fear, anxiety, panic, or distress. By dissociating again and again and again, the "self" finds it useful to just "detach" itself from reality when something seems off.»

Completely at his mercy, _they_ couldn't even understand what was being told to _them_...at least in the beginning.

«But, something has to take control over the movements and so on, right? Usually, that part that tries to do so is "the apparently normal" one, _you_... _Haise_.», that man explained, stroking their hair in a comforting rhythm, «But when this "part" doesn't have the energy to do so, other "parts" talk to the apparently-normal-one. Each "part" is the result of a traumatic experience or something that has been interpreted as a trauma by the "self" as a whole.»

A beating heart could be sensed from under the fabric of the man's shirt.  
_Their_ breathing became less and less erratic in response to such proximity.

«You told me about Sasako, and her charming personality, her ability to distinguish between dangerous and trustworthy people while she was having fun at night. But Yami...Yami was a different one, weren't they? They didn't have to make distinctions, they would make up the rules as they would.»

Something stirred inside of _them_ , coiling behind _their_ eyeballs and spreading through _their_ viscera like an exploding clot of blood.  
One of _them_ was unhappy, and their displeasure was showing up at that very moment.

«And if Yami was able to have sex without having to bond with their partners, you wouldn't have to feel abandoned or rejected anymore if you were able to copy their behaviour.», the man...the older man continued to explain, his voice gentle and fresh to the ears, «Then, you have probably begun associating this sexual entitlement with being two genders at a time...and it escalated into a fight within yourself in order to not feel shameful for your own desires.»

That small part within _themselves_ started to shake him from the core, begging the other man to stop...  
...to stop humiliating them so much.

«But, if it wasn't "Haise" the one to be ashamed of something that only "Yami" had done...then no damage was actually done.»

That small part within _their_ shared mind was on the verge of lashing out in anger and despair at that point...  
...when _their_ body was squeezed ever so tightly by those strong arms.  
Protecting _them_ from _themselves_ just by cuddling _their_ aching bones.

«You have compartmentalized your life so much it actually cracked your perception of reality itself...Yami and Sasako are born from those cracks, manifesting themselves from your imagination into two very different and very real people...but it's all within you, at the end of the day.»

His voice was so soft and comforting, just like his beating heart.  
It made _them_ almost immediately calm down after being embraced so lovingly.  
It made _them_ feel safe and at ease with _themselves_ for the time being.

«You've been probably dissociating since your childhood, to the point where you learned to use this detachment as a way to escape reality.», the man insisted, stroking _their_ hair like he wanted to make the pain disappear once and for all, «I don't know what happened until your incident and the consequent memory loss...but I can see how an initial case of Depersonalizion Disorder or maybe a Fantasy Prone Personality could have morphed into something different after the incident.»

Difficult words without an actual meaning, sure.  
But oh so lovely, because they came from those soft-looking lips.

«You always told me that Sasako and Yami were only masks...personas you were using to achieve something. Sasako is confident, unlike you. And Yami is self-absorbed, the opposite of you. In my opinion they used to be imaginary friends of a lonely child...a little kid scared and in need of company. So much that you created friends of your own...switching their personal traits with yours to overcome your insecurities, like an actor interpreting a part on a stage.»

Those words made _him_ realize how frequently he had hidden from peril and fear behind fake smiles and arrogant glares.

Like the time when he had felt more like a girl, and had decided to escape Akira's control by wearing one of her old dresses to go clubbing. That day he... _she_ had had sex for the first time with a lovely girl who didn't find her body disgusting just for having a penis.

Or like the first time he had met Nimura, right after said man had just left a courtroom after his trial for indecent exposure. When Haise had left Furuta ravish him in a restroom before Matsuri could find him and scold him for being late for their consultation with the judge.  
That had been the first time the young man had felt shameful for giving in to such pleasure outside of Sasako's clothes and identity.

All the dresses he had purchased fearing Akira would discover them.  
All the times he had unprotected sex just to end up relieved and guilty after testing himself the following day.  
All the money he had spent on prosthetic breasts and body shaping clothing in order to embrace a new level of femininity.  
All the effort he put into faking being aroused just to be fucked senseless by multiple strangers again and again.

Had those been mere acting roles...or real living entities instead?

And how valid was his gender identity then, if it had been induced by trauma and pain alone?

But Haise had to stop himself from thinking too hard on the matter at hand...for he didn't want to cry yet another time in front of Arima.

Because the person who was bringing him back to his senses...he could recognize him now.  
Arima.  
Arima.  
Arima Kishou.  
Both the beginning and the end of that scary world of his.

«...and years later that kid had found himself on an hospital bed: his memory wiped clean, a part from some clues on his past.», Arima continued, turning his face slightly to the left, his lips lightly brushing Haise's forehead in the process, «Alone once again, and now an adult...forced by society to take care of himself to be considered worthy by others.»

He...he remembered how lonely he had felt in that hospital room.  
Watching the wall in front of him for hours to no end.  
With paperwork for his discharge from the hospital on his knees, nurses looking at him like they didn't want him there any longer.

«And you did just that...using what your subconscious had in its baggage since your long forgotten childhood. Using those tools you had already leaned on in the past, masks behind which you could hide...different identities you could use in order to survive.», Arima insisted, trying to find Haise's eyes under that mop of hair of his, tilting his head in order to search for the young man's gaze.

«Maybe in your childhood Sasako didn't have that name, and Yami wasn't that aggressive towards others. Maybe they used to be scared and little and alone just like you...only because they were different parts of you.»

Haise couldn't even dare to look at Arima then, ashamed and embarrassed and sad and overwhelmed by all those sensations prickling throughout his body at once. Like a flower too sensitive for surviving in the cold, but too weak and tiny to push itself up to the sky in order to reach for the sun.

Arima's forehead was gently resting on his head while each of the older man's breaths filled Haise's lungs with every shaky inhale from the young man's part.

«And maybe...maybe Sasako and Yami are still just small kids, acting the part of two adults...feigning ignorance of your condition.», his psychiatrist explained, keeping his voice low and quiet, as if he didn't want to startle him, «The condition shared by _all of you_ , trapped within a single body...and maybe there are other parts in there too, too small to be visible, but damaged maybe even more than the others.»

 _The lot of them_ rose their head, mesmerized by the sound of that deep and reassuring voice.  
_The lot of them_ finally looked into those deep blue eyes in search of hope and affection...  
... _the lot of them_ could find nothing but what could be interpreted as a thin layer of obsession.

It was just as Koori had revealed to him.

If Arima wanted to heal someone, nothing could have ever been said or done to stop him from doing just that.

And Haise didn't want to be someone else's project.  
He was nobody's experiment indeed.

«But...we can do it. The dissociating episodes, your depressive phases and manic ones, your social anxiety...we can work on these issues and get you on your feet once again. What happened to you during the abduction, and even those memories you think are fake...we'll make it so that you'll be able to reconcile the different parts of you.», Arima reassured him, cradling his face with both hands, watching him with compassion and sorrow above anything else.  
And maybe even pitying him, but not to the point of being insulting.

«And you'll be born anew. Forged by pain and suffering...sure, but finally free from that baggage you've held on your heart for so long.»

Those last words were able to get Haise back to his senses in the end.

But nothing could have forced him to share his psychiatrist's positive attitude on the matter. Not even the undying love the young man felt for him, not even his desire to be protected and cradled like that by such a wonderful person.  
And so, he pushed him away.  
Slowly, deliberately.

He put his left hand on Arima's right shoulder and pushed him away, not to the point of being rude but certainly giving the impression of being in need of some space.

Immediately, and a bit too soon for Haise's liking, the older man stood up from the ground and stepped back from the chair, seemingly eager to give him as much space as possible...as if Arima was happy to see him reacting in the first place after minutes upon minutes of numbness.

Haise himself ended up rising from the chair, balancing himself on shaky legs but unwilling to let the other man help him.

For some reason, his thoughts seemed sadder than ever.  
Like something anguishing inside of him was taking over his soul and experience life in his stead.  
But it didn't matter at all...since Haise agreed with everything that was going to happen in the next few minutes.  
There was no going back now.  
And he, once again, was fine with it.  
He was fine indeed.

«And...will you love me afterwards?», Haise quietly asked, for he was so done with feeling like shit for no reason.  
Because he couldn't go on like that forever, letting that man trying with all his might to heal him.  
Because he couldn't see Arima so guilty and desperate for him to recover.

«Will you love me after all of that... _changing_ and _improving_ and... _polishing_?», he asked after a while, faking a snarl, forcing his body to show incredulity and disgust instead of compassion and love, «Do I look like a block of marble to you, or maybe a piece of clay to morph into something different?»

He had to do it.  
He had to scream and shout.  
He hat to detach himself from the man in the most horrible way.

Or he would have never been able to forget about Arima and let him free of that burden.

Poison was pouring out of his mouth, and flaming eyes threw daggers in the older man's direction. Haise glared at Arima with every ounce of hate he could muster, even if that hateful and violent intent wasn't exactly directed at the psychiatrist...  
...but at himself instead.

«And you'll never love me in the end...because there will be no " _me_ " to love. By forcing your...your plan on me, you'll end up destroying me. And even if you get to make all of my...all of those personalities or whatever they are...if you manage to make them merge into one, I will disappear as the person you're looking at right now. I will no longer be the person I learned to be, the person I accepted to be.»

And it was like he was holding a knife in his hands...but he could only push it further and further into his own chest to protect someone else.  
Each word, a stab. Each glare, a twist. Each step, a broken rib.

He had to do it.  
Because he couldn't go on living like that.  
Nor could he condemn Arima to such a life either.  
Trapped in that Doctor/Patient relationship, the both of them would have ended up much lonelier and disillusioned than before.  
Tired above all, destroying one another in the attempt to fix what could have easily been broken since the very beginning.

Each word, a knife. Each glare, a shiver. Each step, a drop of blood filling his lungs.  
He had to do it.  
And so, he did.

«I love you.», he declared, his voice crisp and distinct like a thunder in the night, «And this is why I'll never trust you...why I'll never entrust my mind to you. My brain is filled with your voice, and now I can't distinguish between true and false, or right and wrong. You've poisoned my existence because I couldn't even control myself from falling in love with you.»

No reaction from Arima's part.  
No words of understanding came from him.  
Only a name...but not his first.

«Sasaki...», the older man tried to say, in a conciliatory voice instead of a patronizing one.  
Still too distant for Haise to appreciate though...so distant, indeed, that it made him cringe.

Detachment from a loved one had never been so ugly, even more so because the young man wasn't reciprocated in his feelings.  
And, at the end of the day, he had never been.

«I ruined everything even before it started.», the young man stated, now close enough to Arima to see his eyes clearly.  
Even though pain and suffering, even while crumbling from the inside out in front of the man...Haise could see it.  
It was then that he had confirmation of what he had previously thought.  
Arima wasn't made out of stone.  
For his blue eyes were filled with sorrow.  
Not concern, or pity...but pain at the thought of letting him go.  
And this was enough for Haise.  
Enough after all.

«I don't want you to be my psychiatrist anymore, Arima. I don't want you to be anything for me at all.»

«Sasaki...please, you need help.»

«But not from you.»

«Then we can find someone better than me to...!»

A loud crash! echoed through the room, a swing of motion had caused it, putting an end to the discussion.  
Haise hadn't moved that hand.  
He didn't even notice to have grabbed Arima by the collar in the first place.

But now every fiber of his body was on fire, and his right arm hurt like it was pierced by thousands needles. It reminded him of the first time he had worn high heels as Sasako, or when he had punched someone in a dark alley at night as Yami. A rush of energy had sprung out of him, urging him to stop Arima from approaching, to shove the older man away from him.

But now...here he was.  
Staring at the mess he had done.

The small side table next to Haise's usual armchair had broken, and multiple books had fallen from the shelves behind said chair.  
Watching with fear and anger his psychiatrist sitting uncomfortably on the floor, with his glasses askew and a hand over the back of his head.

Haise got a glimpse of red staining Arima's palm when he looked at his hand in pain.

The young man had just hurt the most important person in his life...because he didn't even have control over his body anymore.  
And so he run from there.

Turning away from Arima, he pushed open the door of the office and run over the entrance, ignoring Shimoguchi's protests by stepping out of the house.  
Putting meters upon meters between himself and the park, shivering from head to toe at any step along the way, he kept going until his heart hurt.

He fell a couple of times, but didn't stop.  
He hit himself once, but couldn't slow down.  
He rushed so fast and so hard to the train station, that his head was spinning like crazy as soon as he sat down in the wagon.

And when the train began to move, he couldn't take it anymore.

Haise screamed on top of his lungs, muffling his voice by pressing the right palm on the mouth. Tears streaming uncontrollably down his face, snot covering his chin and hands, people watching him and judging him and questioning his sanity with their comments and yelps and fucking cries for help.  
He was so far gone into his own mind, that he didn't even notice how Shimoguchi had followed him, chasing him around the train to that point.  
But the detective didn't scold him, nor did he try to shake him out of his pain.

The man let him cry his heart out.  
All the way back home.

*

If that issue with the Dissociative Identity Disorder was true, then he had a serious problem.  
But it was only the following Saturday that he understood it clearly.

He was looking at Mucchan's calendar on the fridge: it was marked until the 17th of September.

Four days had passed.  
But he remembered none.

Not a single one of them.

*

Touka was telling him something to distract him, but he was detaching from reality so hard it was difficult for him to understand her.

His logical thought process was all messed up and he couldn't even focus on the sound of the young woman's voice to make sense of what was happening.

He rose his gaze to the heavens, looking around to find clues.  
But there was no sky over him, only light blue and clouds.

He couldn't even recognize those as a sky in itself.

*

One. Two. Ten. Fifteen. Three. Twenty. Six...

He couldn't even count.

He didn't know how many of his prescribed pills he had taken before going to sleep.

He didn't care.

*

Nights spent in front of German books they couldn't read, lines of words they couldn't put into focus.

A make-pretend family behind their back, where a white haired boy was playing with a young woman, and a person dressed in all black.

They kept looking at the pages in front of them while sitting on the floor, trying hard to understand what those blurred words were telling them.

They didn't even remember who they were in the first place.

The family behind their back called their name, but they didn't respond.

*

She found herself with a pair of scissors in hand, but didn't remember how she had got them.

Sitting with her legs crossed, she was surrounded by pieces of clothing...shredded dresses and skirts and cute button-downs scattered all around the room.

One of her kids was crying at the sight, but when she rose her gaze she couldn't recognize them.

The one with dark skin...that was the one crying, covering their mouth with both hands while another one, the shortest one, was holding them by the waist.  
The tallest one had a phone to their ear, talking about her apparently, shouting to the device something she couldn't comprehend.  
The one with the moles under their left eye, instead, was crouching down to her level and then they pried the scissors away from her numb hands.

«It's okay dad...we got you.», the kid said with tears in their eyes, biting down on their lower lip to stop it from quivering.

She would have liked to ask the lot of them who they were.

But she refrained from hurting them that much.

*

Awakening came in form of a visit.

That was the last person on Earth Haise expected to see at his door.  
Not that he could easily recognise who that person was...but the young man knew that such guest was bad news.  
Even though he had no clue over how he had come to that conclusion at all.

He mindlessly asked himself where his sorry excuse of a protective detail was, or where the usual minivan had disappeared since he could not see it behind that man's shoulders.

«May I come inside?», the man asked, tilting his head to the side in an innocent way...stepping past Haise without waiting for his response, barely taking off his muddy shoes.

The young man could only tiredly look over his shoulder, vaguely reminded of how he was supposed to be in charge of the situation. His guest was dressed in dark, with that splash of color that was his necktie...although, Haise could not even identify the color in the first place.  
It was bright, and annoying to the eyes.

His voice too was bright and annoying, like a wind bell ringing for too long to be pleasurable.

«I was walking nearby and then I saw you from the window, so I thought to check on you.», the man said, before reaching the living room and whistling at the sight, «But...you're rich enough to be perfectly fine, I guess. Silly me for worrying over you...after six months since last time I saw your sorry face.»

His words stung for some reason, like someone had just smashed their palms on the highest notes on a keyboard. His expression as well...it hurt to look at that person's face all of a sudden.

His guest turned away from him, shrugging off whatever resentment he might have felt towards Haise. And so he kept walking around the house, with his host still petrified by the end of the entrance hall.  
He moved like a feline, slow and deliberate and yet...perfectly at ease in someone else's home. 

«You've stopped coming to Itori's club all of a sudden...but I guess you found yourself a rich daddy to keep you warm and well fed. No need for me anymore, am I right?», he mindlessly added, reaching the kitchen and inspecting Mucchan's calendar with a bored expression on his face.

«Anyway...what are you up to these days?», the man asked, combining his hair back with a gloved hand...just as bright as the color of his necktie, «Still enjoying those pills I gave you or did you quit?»

Haise tried very hard to focus on what those words could mean, unable to concentrate for the most part of the conversation. He only knew that he didn't want that person around him anymore...but in order to get him out of there, the young man would have had to speak out loud.  
But forming words had become difficult those days.  
Too much for him to voice his fears as he was supposed to.

His guest walked in his direction, bowing down to Haise's head level once he reached him for good. He looked him over, from head to top, but Haise couldn't stand those black eyes watching him so closely...and so he closed his own.

When a loud noise came from the entrance hall, Haise could only guess someone had come back to the house...but when he opened his eyes once again and looked around he saw no one next to him. The guest had left, awakening Haise from his isolation by loudly closing the entrance door behind him.

The young man looked around once more, noticing something trapped in his right hand...a container of some sort, filled with red pills. It wasn't there before...or was it?

He mechanically uncapped the small bottle and let some of those little things sit up neatly on his left palm. By trying to understand what had just happened, Haise felt the need to forget about it, sensing it more than "wanting" it. 

And yet...something didn't add up.

That man had said he had seen him through one of the windows...but Haise had been sitting in his bathroom for the majority of the day.  
That was the only insignificant detail he could focus on before taking a bunch of pills and stuffing his mouth with them, going to sleep fully dressed at sunset.

*

The following day he remembered little to nothing about his guest, and even less about the previous days as a mere souless being wandering in his own home.

He woke up in his bed, made breakfast for the kids, and got ready to work.  
Like nothing had ever happened in the first place.

And life came back to its original state, like it had all been nothing but a weird dream. He easily took care of his own the the kids' routine so efficiently that everyone involved was scared and disoriented by it.

And while everybody around him were able to remember, he had forgotten.  
He had really forgotten all about his days as a ghost.

*

Monday the 26th of September, Haise found himself grateful to have spent the night at Matsuri's place.

That previous day he had contacted Fura and accepted to receive counseling from him during a different session from the weekly appointment they had settled for the kids. The decision in itself had been so tiring for him to make, that the young man had felt the need to get away from his thoughts, seeking pleasure and pain from Matsuri alone. 

So the previous night, unprompted and unexpected, he had been welcomed inside by his supervisor even though the next day they would have been forced to wake up early for work.

And he was now drying his face with a towel, looking at Matsuri on the bed...hugging a pillow while sleeping on his stomach. Memories of the previous night still alive and hot in the back it the young man's mind, his aching bones reminded exactly how much stamina Matsuri had been gifted with.

However, for as quiet and peaceful the older man appeared to be then, laying in bed sporting several bite marks on his lower back...all Haise could see was someone else entirely. Pale skin instead of lightly tanned one, white hair instead of jet black on top of a sleeping figure...  
...suddenly, it became all too much for him to handle.

And he left the bedroom with a limp, only Matsuri's loose sweatpants to cover him from sight. His eyes too hazy to focus on anything but the kitchen island, his current destination.  
He sat on a stool, silently cringing at the contact with the chair, already cursing himself for being the one who had insisted to not use lube this time around.

Then, with the corner of his eyes he noticed someone sitting on a stool next to him.

And he almost fell from his seat as soon as he recognized the man reading a newspaper less than a meter away from him.

Yoshitoki Washuu was there.  
_The_ Yoshitoki Washuu.  
Matsuri's father, and Vice-president of the CCGS Asian branch.

«You finally noticed me, Sasaki Haise.», was all his boss had to say on the matter, looking annoyed but not to the point of being argumentative about it.

Haise tried to stand in order to...to...to bow or something, already steaming up at the thought of having to explain his presence in the penthouse and...

«Easy there, it's okay you don't need to stand up.», interrupted the man, barely looking up from the folded newspaper in his right hand while he stirred his coffee with the other, «Do you want anything? My son's fridge is pretty empty, but I can make you an omelette from scratch if you're hungry.», he continued, reaching the end of the article he was reading before meeting Haise's gaze.

The mere idea of Yoshitoki Washuu preparing him breakfast was so horrifying that the young man paled in front of the man. And he seemed so at ease in someone else's house on top of that...it reminded Haise of someone but he wasn't sure what to think of it.

«You're surprised to see me here, I guess.», Vice-president Washuu pondered, rising from his stool in order to open the fridge, «But you shouldn't be, since I'm the one paying for this penthouse in the first place...along with my son's allowance, that is.»

Watching said man trying to find ingredients for breakfast like a scavenger in a dumpster was somewhat endearing to look at, but troublesome nonetheless given how... _expensive_ his suit looked and how busy the man had to be.

How in the world was that happening to Haise again...?

«You thought I wouldn't notice that he was spending more and more for your expensive gifts and..."aftercare cash in hand"?», he humored him, not quite snarling but sickeningly kind nonetheless...uncomfortable either way, if Haise had to be honest with himself.

«I would also let you know that from next month at best you will not be under protection of the police either, since we cannot bear to pay them to that extent for a single family without causing a scandal of some sorts.», he explained, confirming Haise's worries on the matter.

It would have been unreasonable for Matsuri to keep on paying for the Sasaki Household protection, but he was taken aback by the sudden change nonetheless.  
Wasn't he a threatened citizens? Weren't his kids also a possible target?

But yet again, they were mere social experiments of the CCGS.  
They didn't have actual value if not as achievements for the Washuu's to brag about.

«If you're after my son's money...I thought it would have been responsible of me to warn you about the truth.», the man continued, cracking one egg in a bowl like he was used to such domesticity and plebeian tasks, «And that consists mainly in the fact that Matsuri will be considered worthy of independence only after the arrival of his firstborn male child: these are President Washuu's dispositions on the matter. Until then...everything he had ever given or promised to you must be considered as a loan and nothing but.»

That was...unexpected.  
Matsuri had never told him something like that, nor did they have a conversation regarding any child at all up to that point.

Haise didn't even know how to take that news, barely able to listen carefully to that conversation as he was.  
It sounded...wrong, out of place.  
Like a bad choice.

«I made sure Iyo, out of every other candidate, was married off to my son in hope they could find comfort in one another. However...it seems that truly the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, after all.», he explained while whisking up the eggs with mechanical but neat movements, looking somewhat sadder and more tired that what his usual self seemed to be.

The echo of those words lingered for a while in the room, leaving Haise the time to make assumptions and speculations.  
But the young man had no interest in understanding his boss...a person who was clearly trying to force his way onto him.  
Just like Matsuri had done in the past. Just like Iyo had tried to do a little over a month before.

And it was tiring to know that the Washuu were bound to get what they wanted...  
...no matter what other people had to say on that particular matter in the first place.

When he understood the situation for what it really was, Haise felt no shame or fear or other mortifying emotion towards the man...if not suspicion.  
A great deal of it, as a matter of fact.

«I myself have divorced from my wife as soon as Matsuri was born, but my father never let me have the life I wanted...giving me a new name instead, burying the ashes of his firstborn son under a new identity, new duties, new responsibilities. And, consequently, less time for the people I cared about.»

Haise really had no idea why the man was telling him all of those things in the first place.  
Vice-president Washuu looked unsettlingly comfortable in sharing his personal circumstances and past experiences, just as much as Iyo had been. The both of them had something in common, as Haise mindlessly observed in that particular moment: the both of them had the ability to make him shrink under the pressure of their words.

Not even Matsuri possessed that power over him, not even...not even Arima, to be completely honest.  
For he felt alive and kicking with both of them just by disagreeing with Matsuri or disapproving Arima's cold attitude towards him.

But...Yoshitoki Washuu?  
He was one hell of a lawyer, and not one who liked to be interrupted during an opening statement for sure.

«At the beginning of this month, the board had chosen you to be the European branch new vice-president's assistant starting from next January.», the man continued, talking quietly over the noise of the eggs sizzling in the pan, «It's still to be decided if Matsuri could be considered suitable as vice-president himself...that is probably why he hadn't told you anything up to this point.»

For some reason, none of the things that had been revealed to him up until that moment seemed to affect him, not even the promotion in itself.  
He had been probably chosen out of pity for his most recent "incident", or perhaps out of disdain towards the exact circumstances of his abduction.  
They wanted to be free of a shameful being like him...and maybe the same could be said for Matsuri as well.

«Also, apparently Iyo herself had made sure to convince the board to renew the contract surrounding the program for peculiar children. Many founds had...somewhat "spontaneously" appeared to be available for the project, seemingly after many members of the board had been threatened and blackmailed by unknown malicious parties throughout the summer.», he explained, reminding Haise of the power Matsuri's wife had gained just by entering the Washuu family.  
That woman was scary, to say the least.

«So...whatever my son had told you in order to force you in this situation has lost any value since the beginning of September. And I want to know if you'll be able to live with Matsuri even after knowing that he had deceived you for an entire month.»

For some reason, not even hearing the truth from the man himself was able to shock Haise in the slightest.

Deep down he had always known how powerful and convincing Matsuri could be when he put his mind to something. And he remembered just how much Iyo had seemed focused and driven to force the young man to follow her plan. But after all that had just happened in the last couple of weeks...really, nothing would have been able to change his mind about his relationship with Matsuri.

Everything was bound to improve in Europe, far away from Japan and Matsuri's family in the first place.

_"Far away from everything I have ever known, it seems."_

He revealed his doubts then, with a voice so feeble and weak that it could have been mistaken for a whisper of the wind outside.  
Yoshitoki Washuu, however, appeared to understand him perfectly, and he finished to arrange breakfast on a plate before speaking.

«"Why"...you ask. I'm a concerned parent, that's all. And I want to make sure you know exactly how many resources had been used for your sake, Sasaki.»

Resources. Money. Reputation. Integrity.  
Many things were at stake because of Matsuri's interest in him.  
So many indeed, that even Vice-president Washuu had to intervene in order to remind Haise of his place in the CCGS.

«I would suggest to keep this conversation for yourself, if possible.», the man prompted, leaving the steaming plate in front of Haise before retrieving his belongings, «Matsuri wouldn't be happy knowing that I have a copy of his key all in order to steal his delicious coffee.», he cryptically declared, leaving Haise to his doubts by disappearing into the penthouse elevator. 

Nearly half an hour passed after that unexpected meeting with Vice-president Washuu before Matsuri could interrupt the young man's thoughts. His supervisor actually shuffled forward to the kitchen isle, with no glasses on and no desire to be reminded that it was Monday that day.

He asked Haise if he had made breakfast for them, probably after glancing over the plate that none other than his father had left for the young man to consume. But as soon as Matsuri noticed how lukewarm the omelette looked, he made a face at is lover, as if to say "you can't even do this right".

Although, surprisingly enough, the older man sat next to Haise and took the plate and the chopsticks, cutting the omelette in half before digging in.

«It's my fault, you waited for me to wake up...but if you're hungry just eat next time, okay?»

In response to that unsolicited act of kindness, however, Haise could do nothing but smile at him.

Even though he didn't even know what expression he was wearing in front of Matsuri at that very moment.

*

Thursday the 29th was Hairu's birthday, but they still hadn't got the chance to get in touch with her up to that day.

So, the entirety of the Sasaki Household (and a couple of Shimoguchi's officers backing them up as well) had decided to force their way into their friend apartment with tons of presents and gifts to cheer her up with. To do so, however, they had to actually purchase all of those things, hence the need to indulge in a "therapeutic shopping session" all together before barging into Hairu's home.

They hadn't been able to get her anything up to that point after all, the lot of them too busy to even plan a day out as a family, so they had to make their schedules work that day in order to get some actual work done in that quest for presents.

Since the Attorney Department at the CCGS was still waiting to know the date of the preliminary trial for the Tuskiyama case, Haise had been promised some time for himself by Matsuri...even though the man had insisted for him to hold the mandatory mock trial in his stead the following week. They had to prepare for the real deal and while the newbies had to find witnesses to take an eventual stand in court, Haise would have been required to attend the general rehearsal in Matsuri's place. If there was something that could bore his supervisor to no end, that was certainly wasting his precious time staging a trial.

Matsuri, in the meanwhile, would have provided various level of detailed informations and blackmailing material to survey for his favorite leisure activity: grilling the hell out of the witnesses chosen by the prosecutor attorney. 

He needed that day off.

Even more so because the mock trial had been scheduled for the following Monday and a busy weekend awaited for him. And Monday itself would have been erratic all on its own, given that there was the trial, and Haise had to welcome the newest members of the bullpen coming from the Academy, and there was Koori's birthday to think about, and he had a session with Arima in the eveni...  
...ah.

Righ.

No more sessions for him, not with Arima at least.

Doctor Fura had agreed to monitor him for a while after all, but he had his hands full with Haise's kids for now, especially with Mucchan and Urie...so the young man had to wait for his turn like anyone else. 

Tooru had asked to add another session to his weekly appointments to discuss his particular situation more thoughtfully. The kid seemed bothered by keeping so many secrets from his siblings and his boyfriend, and troubled by having to deal with his anxiety and obsessive tendencies on top of all.

Even though he had finally found a balance between his pills intake and hormones dosage, Tooru had recently noticed how moody he had become due to his meds and he needed some reassurance about the path he had chosen for his own good.

On the other hand, Urie was, indeed, in a good mood...that day in particular.

He had spent the morning jogging around town with a couple of officers tagging along, and the kid was particularly pleased with their ability to keep up with his stamina this time around. His desire for them to improve and step up their running game must have had something to do with his need to be in charge and in control of that stressful situation, but at least he was enjoying himself.

Both him and Tooru had been visibility anxious lately, even more so because Doctor Shiba had chosen the date for Urie's top mastectomy.  
Mucchan, on the other hand, had decided to wait for his boyfriend to recover completely before going under top surgery himself.

They wanted to be a support for each other after all, and it could have been difficult for them to do as they pleased if they were to be convalescing at the same time. And their determination was both inspirational and scary to look at, for they were so caring toward one another and in love.  
To the point of which none of them would have been able to survive the other in case something were to happen during the surgery.

And Haise desperately wanted them to return home safely after all they have been through.

«What are you thinking about?», asked Touka next to him, holding him by the left hand even though he could move the right one as well now, «I thought you would like to go shopping with the kids.», she added, keeping an eye on Saiko and Tooru nearby while checking the price of a dress in front of her.

Haise mindlessly brushed his fingers on said dress on the racks, admiring its vibrant navy color and marveling at the complex texture. He had always had a thing for touch, to the point where he had to refrain himself from touching other people's skin if they seemed particularly soft, or he had to stop from stroking scaly objects such as accessories made out of crocodile skin. That dress though...it was so soft and right to the touch, but light weighted nonetheless.  
Cashmere really was something else.

«Are you even listening to me, you huge baby?», Touka mocked him with a gentle laugh, pinching slightly his left cheek for good measure, «It's wonderful to see you back on your feet, but would you mind be aware of your surroundings for a moment?», she insisted, noticing how fixated he seemed over that dress.

«...the kids told me I cut all my dresses.», Haise revealed in a sigh, unable to remembered the exact circumstances of what had happened with those scissors in the first place, «I have spent a lot of time and money on those, you know...it's even worse than that time Urie had almost threw everything away in the garbage. At least I still have my wigs and prosthetic breasts at home.»

For as quiet as his words have been, the young man looked around in search of unforgiving stares and disgusted expressions...and only when he found none he took the time to focus on Touka instead. And he found himself marveling at her beautiful smile once again.

«Tooru!», she suddenly called the kid, who was checking some price tags behind Haise, «How much can we actually spend today?»

The kid stuttered at that, suspicious of Touka's recent interest in spending left and right, «It depends...what do you want to buy?»

«Haise wants this dress for himself.», she easily explained by pointing at the racks, enjoying the young man's dumbfounded expression a little too much in Haise's opinion, «It's a bit expensive...but it will look lovely on him nonetheless.»  
The scary part of having such a supportive family was that they were actually ready to spend in order to make him happy.   
And that was horrifyingly embarrassing for Haise to say the least.

«Teach, the price.»

«I-I really don't need this...really...»

«Teach. The. Price.»

«For real...I'm fine.»

«Urie. Get the tag.»

«Copy that.», suddenly responded Urie from behind Haise's back, snatching the dress from the young man's hands before throwing it at Tooru.

The kid inspected the price and made a face at that.  
«Uh...it's...it's a little too expensive, Touka...»

«It's not that much...it really depends on how much Sasaki has been paid recently.», Urie mischievously insinuated while looking at the tag from over Mucchan's shoulder, making

Haise shiver in response to such a difficult topic of discussion.  
The kid had been so against the idea of some sort of relationship between his mentor and Matsuri, given that said circumstance had been the cause of their family fight not so long before. But Haise had no time to approach the subject that Touka spoke once again before taking the dress from Tooru's hands.

«Come on Mucchan...I will let you unlock and keep my special bracelet if you let me buy this dress for Haise.», she eagerly said, shaking her wrist a little to signal the presence of the single handcuff, still covered by a colorful bandana.

«Why in the world would Tooru...?», began Urie, before shutting up and reddening up to the ears while looking at Mucchan with an incredulous expression, «I thought you were kidding about the...the thing.»

Tooru, not at all embarrassed by the unexpected turn their conversation had taken, smiled innocently at his boyfriend and fluttered his long eyelashes for everyone to see how much a manipulative little shit he really was.  
«Honey, it's my birthday soon.»

«It's fucking September man...»

«Regardless, December it's around the corner.»

«I'm not playing that...that kind of games with you!», the boy said, almost barking at his boyfriend even if lowering his voice out of shame, «What next? You're gonna buy me a collar? I'm not a dog, you kinky bastard...»

«Aaah, don't play the victim...or I will have to call you the underdog.»

The small person shopping not far from them sneered in response to such a prompt, and both Haise and Touka reddened in embarrassment.

Haise had much preferred not listening to his kids dirty-talking the hell out of each other in the middle of their shopping session, and he was already looking for Saiko and Ginshi to make sure they hadn't heard a single thing of what had just been said by their siblings...  
...when someone called Tooru from behind the kid's shoulder, catching his attention.

«Mutsuki, is that you?», called a young man slowly approaching them with a concerned smile on his face, «Man, we haven't seen you in ages at the park. Have you ditched cross-country for real this time?», he continued, widening his smile as soon as Tooru and Urie recognized him.

«Ayato! How have you been?», the kids both greeted him, surprised by meeting him there.

Right then, however, Touka became very tense next to Haise, lowering her gaze ever so slightly as if to hide behind Urie's impressive build. Haise tried to understand what exactly was happening to his friend, when he got a better glimpse of the kid in the first place.

He...he had seen him before. The jet black hair, a tattoo covered in part by a stretchy arm sleeve...he had seen him a couple of times on the train and even before then...he was sure of it. They first time he had left Touka's apartment, when a couple of kids had accidentally dropped some bottles at his feet.

But as soon as Tooru and Urie's acquaintance locked eyes with Touka, the atmosphere around them became cold and static with unspoken words.  
And it was like watching a foreign movie without subtitles, for the both of them were actually having a conversation no one else could hear.

«Sis.», stiffly greeted the stranger, to the shock of his friends.

«A-Ayato.», the young woman responded, keeping her chin high even when her nervousness was palpable and vibrant like a lightning in the night, «How...how's Hina?», she finally asked, quietly reaching for Haise's hand in the meantime.

«Calm down, sis...I almost believed you're capable of caring.», Touka's brother snarled, but not in a childish way.  
It was more like...like a warning.  
Voiced by someone who seemed tired of keeping their hopes up for no reason.

Haise had to stop his train of thoughts, however, the moment Touka's brother stepped in between Urie and Tooru to...well...to inspect him. Watching him closely like Haise was nothing but a miserable excuse for a human being...someone to be judged with pity instead of mocking words.

«So here we are...you should be the new one, aren't you?», he mindlessly considered, his face stoic on the surface, his tone dripping with sarcasm, «You're the one who makes her play around instead of letting her work her ass off in the weekends.»

Touka held his right hand a little tighter this time, closing the distance between them before her brother could face Haise and look at him from above.

In that moment, no matter the circumstances, Haise could recognize Renji's traits on the kid's built...and Touka's purple gaze in Ayato's angry eyes.

«What happened to that blond, sis? Did he bored you to death in the end?», that kid humored, seemingly forgotten about his friends' presence nearby, «...and who had it been before him...ah! Sure, that one who cheated on his girlfriend with you, that Nishiki. But, then again, you ended up fucking his girlfriend too, right?», he continued, relentless in his disdain for his sister, «And what about poor Yoriko? Was she not enough for you?»

Touka actually flinched at that, lowering her head and gripping at Haise's hand before he could protest or even open his mouth in shock.

He had no idea who this Yoriko might have been, but that day Haise learned that it would never have been an easy topic for Touka.  
And he wasn't certainly gonna bring that up anytime soon if that meant hurting Touka even more.

«You'll end up dropping this one too, Sis.», Ayato considered, drilling holes into Haise's head, no matter how the young man tried to be perfectly still in front of the other kid. No matter how much the young man was pretending to not have been hurt by Ayato's choice of words.

"Dropping"...like a bad habit or a not-so-enjoyable hobby.  
Like something to be soon forgotten, or perpetually damned in its negative influence on others.

Haise endured all of this, siding up with Touka to fight her brother's animosity and hurtful behavior. And they watched silently as the kid persisted in his quest for pain, the both of them unable to prevent him from hurting Touka even more.

«And why in the world you people spend your time with my sister?», Ayato asked, talking to Urie and Tooru even though he hadn't stopped looking at Touka for the whole time. «Should I be worried?», he questioned, rising an eyebrow while hiding his fists in the pockets of his trousers.

But before he could leave, Ayato stepped a little closer to his sister, whispering poisonous words at her.  
Like a spell to make her disappear.

«You know what's funny, sis? I trust my friends more than you.»

And with that...he was gone, anxiously followed closely by Mucchan, who probably wanted to calm his friend down before they could part ways.

But it was only when she saw her brother walking away from her, that Touka seemed to awake from her stupor.  
«Urie!», she anxiously called after the kid, catching his attention before he could follow Tooru suit, «Don't tell him about my night job.»

Urie needed no more words to understand the situation perfectly, and he nodded in return to reassure Touka before parting ways with the both of them.

After that, Touka looked positively heartbroken, clutching the dress they wanted to purchase at her chest with an empty expression. But before she could cry in front of someone else, she made some excuses about wanting to pay for Haise's dress and left in a rush. Saiko, visibly shaken by what had just happened followed her in the attempt to cheer her up, and Ginshi followed suit, worried that Touka would actually empty her wallet out just to leave from there as quickly as possible. 

They were so quick, in fact, that the young man lost track of them in a blink of an eye.  
Haise was sure Touka would have much preferred to be left alone, and even though he was feeling nauseous at the idea of let her go and cry all by herself, he respected her needs. And so he proceeded to text Ginshi in order to stop the two kids from following Touka afterwards...before a voice could bring him back to reality.

«Families sure are something scary.», said the little woman next to him, talking her mind unprompted while munching on a bubblegum, «I have two of them...and they're not easy to handle, let me tell you.», she continued, checking a tag from a dress right next to Haise.

The young man had just the time to notice how small she was no matter how tall her high heels platforms were, when the woman presented to him a tiny piece of paper right before he could walk away with his dress in hand.

«Wanna know about your family instead?», she asked with a bored look on her face, popping the green bubblegum before speaking once again, «A certain man would be happy to have a chat with you on the matter.»

Haise picked up the card almost instinctively, not sure about what kind of scam that woman was trying to pull...but before he could ask her to reveal her intentions, she had already left.  
A bit taken aback from that weird occurrence, Haise sighted and checked the card in his hand.

But as soon as he read what was written on it, he stopped breathing out of surprise.  
Ginshi texted him back, but he didn't have time to even glance at it.

He had to run.  
He had to run as fast as possible.

*

He had recognized the street, the address, the place.

He knew where that woman had instructed him to go, and it didn't matter if it would have all been a scam at the end of the day.

It was that bookstore, where his life had finally began again the previous spring.  
And Haise could barely refrain himself from running to catch the metro, asking himself over and over again why was he in such an hurry to go there.

He had no answer to his doubts, but there was a lingering sensation on hope guiding his steps toward his destination.A feeble, horrible, alluring light leading him to the end of the nightmare.  
A ray of sunshine after the storm.

*

The air around him was sparkling silver due to the cold. Sharp and clear as if it was made of shards of ice instead of light and wind.

He instinctively knew where he was going but it was only when he began walking toward the CCGS building that he had confirmation of his own suspects. And he stopped in front of the bookstore where he had met Arima for the first time, admiring the interior from outside while inspecting his reflection on the window. Haise had had to fake an urgent meeting with Matsuri in order to get there, reassuring over and over Touka and the kids of his wellbeing, texting Ginshi while running like a mad man, leaving them to believe whatever they wanted about the true nature of his encounter with the man.

But in reality he was there...looking from outside at the maze of shelves where he had first met Arima Kishou.

He could feel the people surrounding him on the street watching him with wary eyes and a troubled expression on their faces. He had stopped in front of the entrance without making a single step inside after all, it would have been natural for anyone to question his sanity in such circumstances.

But he was not sorry for being afraid of stepping over the door.  
That was the place where everything had begun.  
And he wasn't sure if he would have ever been ready to end it in the first place.

Haise shoved his right hand inside his coat pocket, holding onto the little container of pills that he had recently been carrying around wherever he went. He inhaled deeply and pushed the door open, relieved to hear the sound of the bell echoing in the hall at his arrival.  
It was not a dream he had entered after all.

Out of breath, feeling like an old man reaching the final blow from an unforgiving life, Haise roamed freely around the shelves like a ghost. Tiny and careful steps led him to retrace once again the path that had guided him in April. The tall ceiling partially blinded from sight by the shelves, books piled up on tables and chairs, the smell of ancient pages mixed with the powerful aroma of coffee coming from upstairs...it was such a strange and wonderful experience for him to enjoy, that he felt dizzy right before approaching the exact place where he had met Arima so many months before.

And he should have noticed the strange look that one of the clerks was giving him from behind his glasses and red bangs.  
And he should have been aware about the other two clerks looking at him suspiciously when he rushed to the left side of the shop.  
And he should have known better than to set aside all of his responsibilities for that single moment of hope.

He made his way through the shelves and books, piled up everywhere...ready to lose himself in that absurd presentiment of his.  
However, right before turning that last corner, his ribs seemed to clench painfully around his lungs, preventing him from breathing normally.  
Haise had to stand still and lay his head on one of the shelves, trying to peek through the books in order to see the poetry section on the other side...but all to no avail, for the pain was still too much for him to handle.

What was he thinking...that Arima would be in such a place? 

Deep down inside of him, Haise had thought about it, chasing a spectre that had existed in his mind alone, the projection of something that had never been.

And the only reason he had followed that woman's instructions had been to live once again that moment of awe...to experience all over again that instant of hope and wonder he had felt in front of Arima the first time they had met. 

But he was too afraid to see if Arima was actually around that corner, and too disinterested to look for whoever else might have wanted to talk about unspeakable secrets.  
Peeking through the shelves, he took a long time to decide what to do before stepping out of his hiding spot.

A tall man was standing there indeed, but Haise couldn't even dare to raise his head to check if it was Arima.  
He stepped closer, fisting his hands by his sides, shaking visibly from the utter desperation...the horror to be so close to that man.

Slowly raising his eyes, for a single instant the young man was blinded by the sight of the light coming through the window pane to his left. A light so bright pointing at that man in front of him, making his short hair look silver and ethereal. Polished shoes at his feet, pristine button down tucked neatly into his trousers, slim waist...the light was still so bright...too bright for Haise to see clearly and yet...and yet...!

The man turned to him, startled and visibly shaken.

It was not him, Haise realized as he inspected the man with teary eyes.  
It was not him, with those dyed gray hair and those colorful clothes hugging his body in all the right, yet wrong ways.  
It was not him, looking at the young man like he was some sort of ghost ready to haunt his nightmares and daydreams.

And Haise, hurting like never before, closed his eyes for a moment before forcing a smile on his lips and opening his eyelids once again.  
Right then he hated himself for daring to hope, heartbroken and destroyed he gritted his teeth.

With a smile on his face, he shook Arima's face away from his thoughts and spoke.  
«I'm sorry I...I mistook you for someone else, my bad.», he said to the man, who might have been one or two years older than him.

And he was ready to depart from there, when said stranger smiled at him with his perfect teeth and put back the book he had been held for all that time.

«That's exactly what I was going to say...if I have to be honest with you.», the man said easily enough, showing a completely different attitude from before.

Flirty, confident, charming...everything in him screamed "such a pleasure to meet you" when he said: «My name is Tsukino Shuu, and you are...?»

«Sasaki...Sasaki Haise.», he answered, surprised by his own willingness to chat, more intrigued by that man's change in behavior than wary of his intentions.

The other man smiled at him and extended his hand, greeting him with a playful but respectful tone.

«You might not be the person I was waiting for...but this doesn't make me less interested in you.», the man said, leaning back on the shelf with a knowing expression.  
Like he was perfectly in charge of the situation.

He was different from Arima, even more than what Matsuri could have ever been.

 _"It will do"_ , was all poor sad Haise could think when he shook that man's hand.  
_"He will do for now."_

**Author's Note:**

> The title and the captions at the beginning of every chapter are from Edna St. Vincent Millay's _Love is not all._
> 
> Chapters' titles are from my own twisted mind.
> 
> Attn: I know being genderfluid is not something that can be represented as I did in regard of Haise's shifting mindsets, but remember that this story is filtered by Haise's POV and that he is not a reliable narrator. I promise everything is going to come up nicely enough (if I will be able to write as I had intended to).
> 
> Ps: various grades of OOCness are due to AU's reasons, you know...different background from canon, slightly different traumas and so on. Also, I will add tags in the future, but for now I don't want to spoil too much.
> 
> Have a nice day.
> 
> [my blog](http://you-are-not-a-drone.tumblr.com)


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